I want something real with my partner...

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by dilligaf, Oct 22, 2018.

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  1. dilligaf

    dilligaf Fapstronaut

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    Hi all

    This is going to be abit long. I had an eating disorder from the age of 10 to 23 and had ZERO sex drive. I thought I was asexual and that was awesome as I didn't need a man. Turns out I just had an eating disorder. When I joined Overeaters Anonymous and was abstinent from binging for about 18months, the sex drive came roaring back. Only started M regularly and finally got myself a boyfriend and we were having sex regularlyish. Then went on anti-depressants which caused painful sex and vaginal dryness (vaginismus). The partner and I stopped having sex about 2-3 years ago when I cried after sex.

    My partner has his own issues in the last couple of years, having developed a gambling addiction that he is just coming out of (probably clean for around 6 months and he goes to GA, on and off). So he is not keen on PIV and feeling overwhelmed with recovery (such as going to work and getting back into society in general.)

    These days we just cuddle, and when I get turned on I would M with P and O (and he is more than fine with it). With the vaginismus, I find I am scared of PIV and it seems to encourage the M. I do have dilator kit to stretch the muscles in the vag but about 50% of the time I end up using it to fap with porn because its uncomfortable and I want to distract myself from the pain of stretching down there. My taste in porn is definitely fucking my head up as I like watching violent stuff and then it replays in my head. Which I am starting to find disturbing. That and I am constantly worried if I am a lesbian because I find PIV scary.

    Any ladies with vaginismus want to share and be my AP? I have only found one thread (flying pizza) who said she has managed to do dilator exercises without M. I want to stop avoiding the issues with my vag with M, and sending out crap signals (no PIV please) to my partner.

    I want real intimacy, not hide and watch P. I also want to have kids and at the rate I am going, I am going to have to get myself a turkey baster. Which is fine, but I thought making babies was suppose to be fun....
     
  2. dilligaf

    dilligaf Fapstronaut

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    One week

    Anyway - today is about a week since I last watched P. I am getting flashes of images but just ignoring them. And making an effort to change my behaviors. Have signed up for pilates/barre every lunchtime this week (except Thursday) cause exercise is recommended. I am also making an effort to work on my hobbies which are singing and music (am constantly googling a nord stage 3 at $5000!). I will write out a journal of what I want my life to look like without P, on the weekend. Am doing lots of reading on nofap on reddit on my phone whenever I am bored. I totally get what people mean by the Blue Petals but its ok, its probably just my body waking up. Still trying to work out if I'd be strong enough to dilate without M, but maybe I will wait till after my period and get 3 weeks up first. What is it that they say about 21 days to develop a habit? Yeah that....

    Note to self: I really need to delete 9gag from my phone. I have lost count of how many P memes they posted which sent me directly to the source. But I really don't want to. Ugh...this is going to be harder than I thought.
     
  3. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    I was gonna suggest you talk to @FlyingPizza. She has experienced all of this first hand and is doing remarkably well. Reach out to her.
     
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  4. Jen@8675309

    [email protected] NoFap Moderator
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    You're right, it's definitely not easy but you're on the road to success as long as you keep that will to fight alive. I can relate to you not wanting to delete your sources either. I got rid of mine but I still miss them. This will go easier for you if you remove yourself from those temptations that you have control over, and come up with a plan to deal with the ones that you can't avoid. You got this!
     
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  5. dilligaf

    dilligaf Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I will. I wasn't really sure about the etiquette of contacting people on the site and not seeming like a creep. But I will reach out to her. Nothing ventured nothing gained right?
     
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  6. dilligaf

    dilligaf Fapstronaut

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    Question - so if I can still read 9gag and funny reddit memes and not get triggered, and just scroll through, I can keep em right?
     
  7. dilligaf

    dilligaf Fapstronaut

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    Today is Day 8. And I am getting close to my period (10 days to go!) I can feel electricity charging through the lower half of my legs and I am just ignoring it. And exercising through it. Tomorrow is going to be my first cardio session for a while (Barre).

    I am feeling extremely irritable and angry at everybody and everyone, and I feel like I am in the middle of a friends stocktake and getting rid of people who are no longer helpful to my life. I have defriended somebody on FB and haven't returned a message from another when she asked me if I wanted to catch up. Since I am cleaning out my habits, I am going to clean out other crap as well, including hanging out with people who eats badly around me (and encourages the eating disorder) and those who are not helpful to me being a better person.

    I have been trawling through a keyboard on gumtree and its looking like I am getting myself a nord piano 2 for $2300. I'd rather get good at singing and piano on my own, then waste my time with P, M and people I don't like.
     
  8. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    I actually have her permission to do this. So please, by all means, reach out to her.
     
  9. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Have any of these EVER contributed to your PMO regiment?
     
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  10. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    I'm not altogether sure what you mean by "...helpful...". I prefer the term "enrich", because I don't necessarily need to have them be helpful, but enriching if that makes sense. You want them to enrich your life and bring value to your life in the form of happiness.
     
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  11. dilligaf

    dilligaf Fapstronaut

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    I am not sure. This is really new to me and I think I am going to need to have a think about it. The nofap reddit thinks it might be ok to just scroll through to test our resolve. While it did cause me to M pre nofap, I think if I do things with intention then it shouldn't cause a problem. I used to be in 12 steps for food issues (overeaters anonymous) and at the beginning of the program, I didn't go to buffets. But I still went to restaurants. I also had red, yellow and green foods (red foods are a no go because it'd trigger me into binging, yellow is an occasional treat when out with people, and green is ok). So I'd imagine I could apply the same principals and work out what my red, yellow and green...things are.
     
  12. dilligaf

    dilligaf Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the clarification. Enrich is a good word. I also think that if I am spending time with another and I am not having a good time (and they are), then I am going to need an assessment of why I am there and if I have something better to do....
     
  13. dilligaf

    dilligaf Fapstronaut

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    Today is day 12! Wow. This is harder than I thought. I have been feeling really anxious and not P, M and O when the boyfriend is not home feels like it has left a large hole in my life. My default is PMO when he is out of the house because I a like - well fk you for abandoning me, I am gonna fap.

    ANYWAY since that hasn't got me anywhere, I started NoFap. For me. To see what life and relationships will be like without it. I have been replacing the PMO with life stuff, as suggested:

    1. Yoga at work today, and gym every day this week (except Thurs)
    2. Arrange to buy a Nord keyboard from gumtree, schedule for testing and pick up on Sunday. WOOHOOO! Music is my passion and I want to get good enough to do this:
    So I am buying the same keyboard she is using.
    3. The electricity bill for the quarter turned up for $1600 for 3 months. That spun me into massive anxiety and long story short, the house is too big and I have decided to sell up and move. That and they are proposing to make my backyard a dumping ground for a proposed tunnel for the next 6-7 years. So today, looked up agent's commission rates and got in touch with a couple of them. Tomorrow start to line up houses for inspection.

    A friend of mine asked if I am just being abit bipolar an trying to do everything at once. I don't think so. I feel clear and like I am waking up from a stupor.

    Next step is to make it to 21 days and start dilation exercises. But as they say in the 12 steps, one day at a time. So just for today,I am going to bed, and I have a to do list for tomorrow. And I am going to smash that to do list tomorrow.
     
  14. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Well, I never thought about it in terms of food, so there ya go. Yeah, red, yellow and green behaviors for PMO. Good catch.
    This too is a good call.
    HOLY SHIT! I would have flipped!
     
  15. dilligaf

    dilligaf Fapstronaut

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    OK. So. These 14 days has been a bit of a rollercoaster ride. I figured what was wrong with the electricity....I pushed a button and left the outdoor heater on....for the last 4 months (FFFF*****KKKKK). And didn't notice it because I don't go outside to the garden much. This plus they are proposing build a tunnel in my backyard and use the nearby bushland as a dumping ground for the tunnel meant that I finally lost it after 4 years and decided to put my house up for sale.

    I am slightly worried that I am in some sort of bipolar II high, as I have been diagnosed with bipolar before. These are the things that has happened since I started nofap:

    1. Bought a nord 2 keyboard for $2500.
    2. Started putting my house up for sale
    3. Cut off 2 friends from my life, one for taking the piss out of alternative treatment on FB, and one for never listening to a thing that I say.
    4. And I need to sleep what seems like alot less. I used to be 11pm to 7:15am, and now its more like midnight to 6:30am, and I dont even need a second coffee.
    5. Go to gym and do cardio once a week. And pilates or yoga 2-3 times a week.

    When I write this down it doesn't seem too excessive so I hope its not some sorta high. I do feel pretty anxious alot of the time though, but I am assuming this is part of the withdrawal process and my brain will get to equilibrium somehow.

    On the top of red, yellow and green websites, I've decided 9gag and memes are like a yellow website. I can read them but I better flick through the ones that I know will led me to porn.

    Its getting REALLY close to my period too and so the anxiety could be part of the PMS? My boobs are HUGE and my nipples are constantly erect. Which I thought was hilarious in Barre today when she made us do squat jumps :(
     
  16. dilligaf

    dilligaf Fapstronaut

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    Hey! Its Day 29 and how time flies. This no porn thing feels really easy at this stage and I feel like my brain is getting rebooted. I saw my partner naked yesterday (penis and all) and it almost looks like a friendly penis, not one of them aggressive ones that you see in porn. That's a big thing for me. Watching all that aggressive porn probably made me associate the penis with aggression and would not help with the vaginisimus.

    A couple of days ago I felt confident enough to start dilation again without wanting to access porn. So I started dilation again with the aim of just doing it as a physical therapy thing, without masturbating because it is uncomfortable. It does hurt so I am putting the Lidocain in there (whereas before I'd just masturbate to "get over" it). Its been fine but I haven't been very consistent due to the stress and tiredness of trying to sell the house.

    I am also off my high. Have been seeing a kinesiolgist who did some energy work to bring me back down. Apparently when some people don't masturbate there could be too much energy washing around in the body and that needs to be managed.

    So, its been almost a month and its getting easier. Woohooo! Hang in there you all!
     

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