I swllowed everything and became honest

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by BrendonP20, Nov 3, 2018.

  1. BrendonP20

    BrendonP20 Fapstronaut

    So I just admitted everything to her.

    I knew this was needed for me to be free from all this and I'm very ready to spend my whole life regaining her trust again.

    I want to take her here so she'll have a community but she's too closed off right now.

    I'm not okay. But I guess this is just the beginning. I'm a toxic person and I just hate myself sometimes. I'm disgusted with myself and I don't want to be anymore. I just want to make it all better. I love my babygirl so much and I hate myself for putting her through all this.

    :------(

    Idk what to feel. What to expect etc.
     
  2. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    I’m an SO. When I realized what was going on, on a level I was relieved because our none existent sex life wasn’t because he didn’t love me anymore. Once I looked into it I was terrified. I realized how unlikely it would be that he’d recover without relapse. The relapses and not telling me about them, and his refusal to seek help caused a lot of pain. Then it made my betray trauma from past lying in other relationships come up. It’s been pretty devastating overall.

    I have no advice besides do everything in your power to get help and be honest with her if you are having trouble. Answer her questions. Realize this is very hard for SOs.
     
  3. BrendonP20

    BrendonP20 Fapstronaut

    Im planning to see a professional this week and maybe we'll take a bit time apart. I want to fix myself up for her. Or maybe for myself alone. But that's the plan. And I hope I can stick to that.
     
  4. BrendonP20

    BrendonP20 Fapstronaut

    Thanks.
    But to be honest this is also hard for me.

    I know I've hurt her. Lied to her. Betrayed her.

    And I know it's really fresh right now. I just don't know how to hold myself together. Im afraid of tomorrows. Im afraid of my thoughts. Im afraid of the pain. I might be selfish but I'm just really afraid to be alone even if I need to.

    I know I have to let her go for now (or for good :() but it's just too frightening at the moment. I'm not sure how to be strong and how to cope.
     
  5. BrendonP20

    BrendonP20 Fapstronaut

    Not to mention the things I have to deal with after. The lease contract. My stuff to bring home. Etc. But I guess I can manage. Writing it down does really help.
     
  6. BrendonP20

    BrendonP20 Fapstronaut

    I told her everything. She was disgusted. As I am with myself. Thanks for the resource.
     
  7. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    Good work, as hard as it seems.

    Once lived with a fiancé 30 years ago for just under a year with my unresolved PA.
    I thought it was her new sobriety in AA that was my problem.

    Porn is normal right? (yes, maybe; but not for me and most)

    Even a Catholic Engaged Encounter weekend
    had an instructor who suggested P to spice things up.
    I'm guessing it was not on the main curricula.
    Was a really bad idea and normalized it even more.

    Life's directions and social norms change over the years;
    some of us get caught up and drive down the wrong road
    that seems OK at the time.

    That is our road and our job to understand ourselves
    each time we get off course.

    We are stronger for the correction and subsequent recovery,
    if we are diligent in our lessons.

    Let us know how things go and you grow.

    @GhostWriter had some great suggestions above.
    Carnes' book is so well written,
    easy to read with a tough subject.
     
  8. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

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    Transparency, integrity and honestly is what she needs from you every second of the day from here on out. The mass majority of us SOs feel like it is or fault, that we're not attractive enough, or adventurous enough. Our self esteem takes a HUGE hit and we question the entire relationship. As it had been essentially built on lies. Omission is betrayal after all. Never say things that even sound like you're trying to justify it, or normalize it. She will likely struggle A LOT with nudity in general at this point. Choose movies wisely. A lot of us, myself especially, get hit hard with betrayal trauma even being in the same room with the PA viewing any sort of nudity. You have to work on yourself most importantly, but if you want your relationship to work you have to ACTIVELY support her. She's really hurting right now, don't forget that, and don't forget to check in with her regarding her healing process, and ask her if there's anything you can do/change/implement to make this easier on her.
    Best of luck. And I'm so happy you're here!
     
  9. BrendonP20

    BrendonP20 Fapstronaut

    Thank you all. Doing my best
     
  10. BrendonP20

    BrendonP20 Fapstronaut

    Does anyone know an accountability app for android? I know there are some which are paid. Struggling to find a free one.
     
  11. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    @BrendonP20 I don't think there are free ones, and the thing is if you're really committed you'll pay the $7 a month to keep your phone accountable/clean. My husband uses Ever accountable and Mobilefence on his phone and package disabler pro on his phone to keep it clean and have me feel like he is being responsible and respectful of the damage he caused. EA is 6.99$ per month and he uses it on his phone and the home computer he has. Mobilefence is on his phone and the tablet we share. Mobilefence costs for us $36/year ...

    As @Kenzi would say, you do what's important to you (or you spend money on what's important)... so hopefully, you can find $7 -$10 in your monthly budget if you're looking for an accountability software . Also is this because you want the accountability or filters, or has your SO requested it to feel safe?
     
    Nugget9 likes this.
  12. You did the right thing. Of course you feel terrible right now but you will heal and so will she, no matter what happens.
    It is no longer hiding in the dark and now you can both see it and deal with and heal in your own way and hopefully grow together again.
    If you had not, there was no chance for this.
     
  13. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    Recovery begins when we stop thinking about ourselves. As addicts, we are selfish. It is only when we become selfless and live for others that we can see what life really has to offer. I explain to my 12-step group that for the first time in my life, I am an adult. This is echoed in Doug Weiss’ DVD, “Helping Her Heal”. It’s a great resource for someone just starting. He explains that being a man is not about being macho and all that. But growing the hell up and taking responsibility for your actions.

    Yes. This sucks. But these are the natural consequences of our actions.

    @GhostWriter hit the nail on the head. He is a wonderful source of knowledge on the forum. And Patrick Carnes is THE person to go to for sex and porn addiction. “Out of the Shadows” is a must.

    @AnonymousAnnaXOXO said it too. If you’re not willing to pay $7 a month to make your partner feel safe...
    It’s one of the easiest things you can do. The point of all of this is to make her feel secure. Not for her to control you, but for you to show her that you can be trusted. And you need to be sure you are taking EVERY possible action you can to prove yourself. That’s work without being asked. And ACTIONS not words, are the only way to build security. Validate her pain with words. Prove you’re trustworthy with actions.
    It’s not going to be easy. But you can do it if you try.
     
  14. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    That is what I desire, as a betrayed spouse.
    I have no interest in how "manly" my husband is. Him being macho is the sex addict I married; "hey baby, look how much I make, I'm macho. Hey baby, look at how I washed those dishes; macho macho man".
    I'd prefer honest, non-macho behavior. GENUINE emotions & character. Not some hard-mode robot that thinks being macho will solve the problems.

    Thanks Lion :)
    It really is as simple as growing the hell up.
     
  15. BrendonP20

    BrendonP20 Fapstronaut

    Thanks for all the feedback everyone

    I already bought Ever Accountable the day I asked. I also added my mom to it lol.

    I just finished my initial diagnosis.
    Turned out I have Major Depressive Disorder and Sexual Disorder. (Tho its hard to read every doctors' handwriting. Not sure if it's just in our country). The good thing is I have a low risk of suicide too.

    Yep, I've been in those times when I felt like ending it and telling everything to a professional felt good. It felt like I'm receiving help and I'm actually worth it.

    I'll go to the next appointments and schedules. Planning not to miss a single one. I was referred to the counseling for the addiction and psychiatry for the depression. I was also asked for lab tests and ECG which may be required if I'll be given meds. Not sure how I feel about those yet. But I'll manage.

    I also heard some preaching from a religious man because he became interested in preaching to me when he was planning my next visit. Nothing against him but I have my own spiritual life which I'll also work on.

    About me and my girlfriend, we are okay, I guess. I'm just happy she's not leaving. I'm just happy she's still here.

    There's still a lot of work to do. And manning up to do all these is my goal.

    I know I can be better and if we end up, by any little teeny tiny chance, together, I know I'll be able to love her more.
     
  16. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    That is excellent! I'm very glad you've made those decisions. Adding your mom is actually an incredibly good thing to do. Keeping yourself accountable to more than one person makes it a lot harder for you to act out. Imagine every single time you look at P, you need to go to your parents and say "sorry guys, I just jerked off". Crazy embarrassing.
    Spirituality really does help in recovery. Whatever your religion/spiritual beliefs are, make sure you feed them. We cannot get through these human desires with our human powers alone.
     
  17. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    I have to mentally tell myself a lot of times, 'Cake, stop fighting with a toddler. Stop it, Cake; you are arguing with a man-child. Do not go to that level.'......
    I live in a house full of toddlers. Momma needs a break :emoji_rolling_eyes:
     
    Katrina Rose and CowardlyLion like this.
  18. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    You forgot to throw in there that it's my fault he's a man-child.

    "YOU DIDN'T DO MY LAUNDRY 7 YEARS AGO, YOU BETTER START MAKING AMMENDS FOR THAT!"
     
    AngelofDarkness and CowardlyLion like this.
  19. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    I’m completely cracking up over here with these last few posts!
     
  20. BrendonP20

    BrendonP20 Fapstronaut

    Just got 110% honest with my girl again. Felt good. I know I'm hurting her. And I'm sorry for her but I guess this is all part of my recovery. And I'm sorry shr has to suffer because of me.
    Just told her the specifics about everything. And told her my future plans. I know action speaks louder than words but I want to be held accountable with everything.

    I'm also updating my counter to track and abstain from PMO. Rather than tracking the streaks without Omegle and shits.
     
    Jennica likes this.

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