"I still need something to believe in"

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Queen_Of_Hearts_13, Jan 2, 2018.

  1. mcgrim

    mcgrim Fapstronaut

    That's probably not going to be an easy decision to make. I don't think I could do it, and I know for sure my SO wouldn't where she is so very private even with me.

    Good luck and here's hoping everything works out for the best no matter what decision both of you make.
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 likes this.
  2. Yeah, the timing is strange... and idk if they even for sure want us I am sure they want to talk, see if things have changed, if we can fly out, etc. But... it does seem like too good of an opportunity to pass up.... I have to think about this.... and obviously talk to Jak.... like... what are the freaking odds. I wrote my submission while tipsy drunk with the help of a friend to make sure I spelled things correctly.... but like... me? my story? is it that bad?! hahaha

    Yeah, definitely a hard decision. I am also private... and I do hesitate because of the public factor... I remember him with another couple and porn and that's why I chose to write in ...

  3. So I know the decision is already a no. I know it's a no. For me... I am too scared to go on TV and ... again privacy and all... idk.

    Too many potential negatives...

    I am not a risk taker, never have been. I am cautious. Too many unknowns...too many potential triggers... too much risk of Jak and I fighting... I know he wouldn't want to do it.... and I am just .... not wanting to argue about it, not that it necessarily will be an argument...

    But if it's a no... I don't want anyone to say I didn't do everything to keep this marriage... I have tried everything... and continue to try... so if I don't do this... and if Jak and I weren't to work out... I don't want him to tell me we didn't try everything because we passed this opportunity... IDK. just processing.....

    It's a no for many reasons...

    1. california is full of triggers
    2. i haven't lost all baby weight and will not be seen on tv as anything less than perfect (yes ED has a number in mind)
    3. Too many unknowns...
    4. I wouldn't want Jak to be made out to be the bad guy... I simply just want him to fight for the marriage...
    5. Jak can't fly, he is too scared and can't travel... hence why we never travel, he has panic attacks.
    6. Jak would be too scared and probably felt put on the spot, maybe he'd get defensive, or revert to "idk" and... I just wonder if it would even help Jak
    7. Jak wouldn't be able to take time off work probably ... not like he would, he can barely skip work to stay home with me on bad days so I don't think he would take off work a couple days to try to save our marriage like that
    8. my school and intern schedule... I wouldn't be able to take time off either or... idk... it would be too complicated....

    I feel like this is one of those fork in the road moments where the decision will have lasting impacts.

    Jak doesn't feel he is doing therapy right and idk what he is doing in therapy. I am seeing my therapist whenever I can with my schedule and it's... idk it's not... idk maybe I've seen her for too many years and now ... idk.... and we don't have a couples therapist because Jak hasn't ever been ready for couples....

    I just fear that Jak will revert... and he won't get it....

    Like it's not like I just up and said "Hey it would be cool to be on Dr.Phil's show" .... no it was me breaking down crying, drunk, in the shower, about to give up, divorce/separate.... and wanting any way to save the marriage..... and if Dr. Phil's people reached out ... either they think our story makes good ratings or thinks we are in severe need of help....

    But... anyways... it's a no, but I'll talk about it with Jak when he gets home... and when Baby A turns two (which would be Nov 28th, 2019) we will see if our marriage is ending or continuing... Though I am sure I'll know much sooner than that.

    Also we are sleeping in the same bed unless Jak hasn't done any recovery work or if we are just not good. And I am not going up to the guest room as Jak has been good even with the miscommunication mishaps....but if things go down hill again, then I'll be up in the guest room... and idk.....

    Everything is so unknown.... I can only control myself... which means I can continue putting effort into area's that are certain like school, intern, mag, Baby A... and hope that Jak doesn't go down hill....

    Idk... just scared. Scared because Jaks been here since last sunday (for the most part) and he has tried... I've seen it this week.... but in the past he would usually disappear if he even made it a week.... so I am anxious... is Jak going to stay or go.... I guess I will find out sunday/monday....

    Anxiety sucks.
  4. mcgrim

    mcgrim Fapstronaut

    Yes it does suck. I have experienced it myself (not knowing what it was at the time) and I can see it in my SO with all the challenges she is dealing with everyday.

    Anxiety hurts and it can harm you physically. I wish I could provide you with words of wisdom but I don't have anything. All I can say is find things you enjoy and focus on them when you can to give yourself some relief.
  5. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    Call them back and see what they have to say. You are finding every reason to say no, reasons you would tells others are just excuses. From what I read, Dr. Phil and his team are very accommodating to his guests so travel will more than likely not be an issue.

    You wrote to him for a reason. You've mentioned it here before. I know you really want his help. Don't throw this opportunity away without fully exploring it. Call them back. Calling them back isn't a yes, it's saying you want more information.
    hope4healing and Archangel 77 like this.
  6. @EyesWideOpen It's not an option as Jak can't even get on a plane, nor drive for 40 minutes without having a panic attack. But, thanks. I just... idk. I wouldn't want to be on TV...
  7. So it's almost 6 pm... and today has been... not great. In fact I had a total BT/PTSD attack break down. Jak still doesn't get things... I don't know what it will take for him to get things... yes he has been better but he still acts as if I trust him and that is what triggers me and scares me at times.

    Also no recovery work done.... and idk when he actually has done any recovery work... like... he doesn't talk to me about it... or talk to me about much at all.... is it just the lack of time or is it the lack of effort?

    IDK.. i need to take a bath with epsom salts tonight after I go on a business/mastermind call for my mag and stuff... I just... idk.....

    I know I just have to sit back and watch and wait... but my god does the waiting suck.
  8. Jak and I are absolute shit. Why doesnt he try... why doesnt he want to repair this... I'd he doesnt then that's fine, just fucking leave and be gone
  9. I have my business/mastermind call/video in 30 minutes... I am trying to be calm... I have a drink to get me to relax... I need to focus on my business.

    My magazine, school, internship... those are all Predictable, Stable, and Safe things in my life....

    I need to keep myself together and push through....

    I need to be on my game all the time. I can't lose it. I have to be strong. I will be strong. I will make it through this business call. I will make it through the call and I'll take my epsom salt bath like I've wanted to all week.... I will take care of myself...I will be strong. I am strong.
    mcgrim likes this.
  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    You can't expect romantic moments every day.
    Then it's not romantic
  11. It's not the romance... it's the Not Trying...

    Not reading books with me

    Not talking to me

    Not doing the exercises you so generously gave us for free...

    It's not remembering you even gave us exercises....

    It's him not remembering, not trying, not talking to me, annnndddd assuming I trust him and then him doing all these things that trigger me.... It's.... how are we still here?
  12. Business meeting went well (even though I was searching up feeling the urge to cut/suicidal feelings prior to the meeting)! I don't relate to the two women in the group, but I definitely relate to the guy. He wants to start his life coaching and so he was talking about psych a lot and made a funny psych joke, and I could totally see how his practice would work and it was easy to follow. The two women were more into the spiritual stuff/transitional life period... and for me it was harder to grasp/understand. I am not religious and all that so I didn't have much feedback.

    Jak and I ended up going up to the bath and he brought a book, I was having my drink. It started off well.. but somehow didn't end up working. I think I asked him a question and he refused or deflected or idk... I don't know how we went from sharing to.... distance... he was reading a book by Dr. Sue Johnson, Love Sense, and I was happy that he brought the book with him. I saw him reading the book earlier after our fight... so he was reading it and we talked about some points... but ....

    Jak... idk... something shifted.

    Jak got out of the bath cuz he was tired from the Epsom salt bath, and then he was opening up and talking about his inner world, his thoughts, being aware, it's like being in a foreign country and not knowing the language. He was tearing up/not exactly crying.... he was frustrated clearly. He was depressed... and I was doing my best to be empathetic but all I could hear was excuses and pity mode talking about how hard it was and is... and how I don't know how hard it is (yet... I am the one who has been suicidal and close to attempting, but no, I don't get depression and how bad it can get...please.).

    I basically sat there listening and having the marriage confirmed as doomed. I know that's not what Jak was basically trying to say.... but him being all pity mode, telling me I don't get it, being all victim-y, and saying essentially that he can't do it.

    He can't talk to me (it's too hard, he can only think, "I should talk to her about the addiction" and that's as far as it ever goes in his head). He told me he can't do it... remember, it's a foreign language in his head, and he can't figure out what to say and he can think about "I am sorry my addiction hurt you" in the most monotone voice... and that's it....

    Meanwhile the entire time I was making the conscious decision to cut. I was literally figuring it all out, being all... "me" with it (aka structure, thoughtful, ritual). So I know where there would be safety pins - in my moms closet with the sowing box... but I wasnt 100% sure it was going to be there, but there was a high chance, so that was worked out. The only thing I didn't know how to do was... do it, without Jak interrupting me. I also knew I needed long sleeves to cover it up....

    I was all strategic about this. So Jak mentioned he needed to get his water bottle from his car, and I took my opportunity to go find a safety pin. I ran up the two flights of stairs, had my phone flashlight on, got in my moms closet and started searching, desperately, for the box. It wasn't there. I was almost crying over the desperateness of this. I felt guilty, shitty, but it was my choice. I heard Jak coming up the stairs and cursed in my head and tried to get the flashlight on the phone off but it was too late. Jak opened the door. I was cred-handed handed"

    Jak asked, I laughed and tried to play up the "drunkness" but then just solemnly said, "yes" to the question was I looking for a safety pin. God. I feel horrible. I didn't even cut and I feel horrible.

    Anyways, I kept searching for things just because... I was desperate. I don't see a way out of this right now. I just don't. I don't see hope. I don't feel hope.

    Jak was about to blame himself, and I was like, "It's my choice, I literally was mentally planning it." but he was all, "I drove you to it" and I kept saying, "but it is my choice" and I don't remember where we left it. All I know is I fell asleep sad and hopeless and ashamed and guilty and feeling... hopeless.

    This morning Jaks fucking stupid race is on. It was like... idk. Just more... thoughtlessness I guess. Or carelessness. He clearly cares about his fucking car race more... Oh wait. This would be the perfect time to sneak away and cut- and if not cut at least burn, burning is quicker, cutting has an entire ritual and clean up... cutting takes 20-40 minutes, burning can take 5-15 minutes depending.... But I won't. I won't do it.

    I don't know what to do. I feel like we are done. Jaks cluelessness, selfishness, and pity/victim mode is just clearly.... sinking us. There is no hope if he keeps playing "poor me" cards... and using that as reasons as to why he hasn't nor will act.

    Oh, also my parents witnessed some of the blow out last night. My mom tried to help but she doesn't get it.

    Jak keeps saying he loves me... just more empty words... he repeated it last night over and over because he was mad that I said he didn't love me enough. Clearly Jak was enough for me to make a commitment to myself to not cut for 3 years. I knew how Jak felt about cutting (he found it scary) and so I made a real effort to work my recovery as hard as I probably should have the entire time. He gave me the motivation to commit to myself... why? I loved him enough.

    I feel like I have to give up, resign, submit, or leave because I deserve someone who will love me fully, and be able to just talk to me, own his decisions, be an adult, and not run away, and fucking live in Peter-Pan world where there are no consequences to actions.....

    Gods Help Me.
  13. Yes, this, this a million times over!
    Moon Shot likes this.
  14. Moon Shot

    Moon Shot Fapstronaut

    I would just like to say this, Anna: You deserve someone who will love you fully, accept the responsibility of his choices, work hard to earn your trust back, and much more than that. Time does not heal all wounds. Jak needs to accept responsibility. I am sending strength vibes to both of you.
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 likes this.
  15. I'm upstairs in my bath listening to my break up playlist I made a couple days... been looking up the paperwork for divorce and costs. There are some things that might... be challenging to figure out depending on schedules...

    But if Jak is more concerned with his F1 race than me after last night that says it all. Again.... Cars 1 Anna 0
  16. mcgrim

    mcgrim Fapstronaut

    I wonder if they'd come to you? Just a thought that came to mind.
  17. So yesterday Jak finally like felt... he cried and apologized... and it was amazing to see the actual regret for his actions... and I told him I was proud of him but that if his actions revert then I will feel like they were crocodile tears and will be skeptical at the genuineness... and he got that.

    And today... like what the derp has gotten into him... I'm so confused... he has been nice, and messaging me sweet things and he brought me lunch... cuz I forgot mine and he works 40 min away from where I am.... and he... I was floored....

    I told Jak exactly what I desired tonight which was to relax with him in an Epsom salt bath while sharing some stuff in the intimacy book I read and talk about my coaching practice and talk about his day.... that is what I think would be an amazing evening... and he wants that too... so I am excited to get home and put on the coffee and for us to hang out.... I actually hope that we do talk... cuz I want to... and I want to feel close...
    Moon Shot likes this.
  18. Something shifted. Idk. I had realizations and Jak was... yesterday was the definition of a perfect day.

    Jak cleaned the house cuz he stayed home with Baby A while I went to school.... he did homework, he also read some recovery book, and he was doing well to check in and yes little mistakes here and there but they were mistakes, and mistakes happen. Then on the train home I was looking at pics/vids of Baby A and Jak... and idk.... something shifted in me. Maybe those pics and vids reminded me of why I am fighting so hard for us.

    Anyways we got home and the place was amazingly clean and Jak got a cute halloween table cover and I love it, super sweet surprise! Then... Idk I was vulnerable and told Jak that I had feelings for him... like romantic feelings were coming back.... and like you know... it felt like I had the man I fell in love with (the good sweet romantic guy). Jak teared up and was overwhelmed to hear my confession of feelings.... I was happy he was so happy but also scared because I was super vulnerable.

    We ended up having sex because of our close connection... and then after.... JAK STARTED A CONVERSATION ABOUT HIS ADDICTION!!! HISTORY HAS BEEN MADE!!! Seriously though.... Jak talked about his addiction... and we talked calmly, and logically, and it was a great conversation with some little insights being made... and then we watched Walking Dead and cuddled and went to bed.


    Seriously.... hopeful....

    And Jak pointed out something interesting about attachment styles since that is part of what he is reading in his recovery book. It was actually really cute because I know a lot about attachment styles nad to see Jak all worked up and excited about knowing stuff about attachment styles was adorable but he did make a great point that I have either wanted to not admit or wasn't fully aware of....

    He is anxious/ambivalent attachment style (no duh!) and I thought I had an anxious/ambivalentt attachment style when I met him (but was working on getting to a secure attachment style because I've been working on it for a while).... and Jak said to me last night after I was vulnerable and told him my feelings, "Anna, you are a complete avoidant attachment style" and I was kinda like what? for a moment... but then I thought about it. It made sense. I detached back in january and felt hopeless about our marriage and have been working hard and doing anything and everything else to avoid Jak... and by that I mean, when he doesn't do anything it hurts so I go and do something productive to alleviate some of the pain.

    I am going to be re-reading stuff on attachment styles (love John Bowlby!) and try to figure out how to work my way back up to Secure attachment. I remember thinking about Avoidant attachment people and wondering how in the world they ever could be in a relationship... and now I am looking at myself and thinking well maybe this is how but it's miserable.

    So my goals:
    -Take a vulnerability risk at least 1-3 times per week depending on how safe I feel
    - Keep journaling (whether on nofap or in hard journal)
    - Keep reading books and gaining more knowledge
    - Don't isolate
    - Keep doing those daily check-in sheets with Jak (they have helped us SOOOO MUCH with communication)
    - Try not to dissociate/disconnect when it seems Jak is either unaware/slacking/avoiding, etc. Do your best to stay present and Let Jak Know that I am detaching because I fear he is detaching.

    Okay. Goals. Moving Forward. I feel hopeful (hesitantly hopeful). Jak has been here for the most part for the past 2 weeks... with little blips of him going away but he comes right back once he realizes.... and so... we have made progress. This journey is worth it. It's hard, it's painful, it's hell... but it's worth it.
    mcgrim, HonestyMatters and Moon Shot like this.
  19. So I am still feeling those feelings... those beginning i love you feelings... and I told that to Jak yesterday.

    Also with the Dismissive Avoidant attachment style realization, I have truly been noticing just how uncomfortable adn hard it is for me to relax and be around Jak at times when he wants to be close now.

    I am working on it... I am actively letting Jak know my feelings of uncomfortableness/dissociation and I am letting Jak try to be close and "reel me in" so to speak... and well, I let him yesterday and we ended up being close... it was... nice.

    In regards to my Mag and Coaching, I applied for an LLC which was nerve-wracking but it was time to do it. I got organized with records and did the business homework and did research marketing. I got 10 results for my survey, which pretty much confirmed what I figured I'd be working on with clients.


    Those are what I will be specifically addressing with my coaching practice. The next module in the business course comes out in a week and we will be developing packages and working on copywriting and such. I already halfway have an idea for coaching packages and stuff, so I am excited. This business course has honestly been... amazing, I feel so much more clear on what I want to work on specifically in the coaching, who the ideal clients are, and more!

    Anyways... Overall things are good. Like, school, intern, mag and coaching, and my marriage....

    I hope Jak and I have a good rest of the day today, maybe something a little more recovery oriented as the past couple days we were marathoning The Walking Dead to catch up for the premiere tonight!
  20. Moon Shot likes this.

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