"I still need something to believe in"

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Queen_Of_Hearts_13, Jan 2, 2018.

  1. I am posting a new journal for the New Year. I want this year to be better, more positive, more progress.

    My old journal is "Is there a right way for being strong? Feels like I'm doing things all wrong"

    My story with my husband is This

    My husband's journal is here

    Song that inspired the title of my journal

    I am going to be formatting my journal differently this time. I am going to format it as a friend once told me to do long ago.

    January 2, 2018

    • One thing I am thankful for: Baby A
    • One thing I love about myself: I love my intelligence and self-awareness
    • One thing I want to improve: I want to be more confident

    Positives from BD today:
    • BD complimented me
    • BD surprised me with a strawberry smoothie and cappuccino
    • BD set up an individual therapy session for Saturday
    • BD went on NoFap and read some threads

    What I want to work on:
    • confidence
    • self-acceptance
    • patience
    • knowing my happiness does not depend on my marriage

    The obgyn called this morning before BD left for work, and they had an opening at 11 with the head of the practice and BD said I should take the slot, so ok. I am hoping that she says I am healed and ready to exercise. I want to be able to exercise safely (given I abused exercising in my anorexia), and get on a good meal plan, and really take my anorexia recovery seriously. BDs PA has pretty much affected my anorexia in the most negative way. Yes, I am not underweight because I just had a baby but my mind is filled with ED thoughts. I want to try changing my thought patterns. On January 4th, that marks the first complete year of not being in a treatment center since 2013. I will have made it one year without relapsing to the point of needing treatment, I never thought I could do that.
    Last edited: May 1, 2019
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Congratulations on not relapsing :)
  3. So the Obgyn apt went well. I am cleared for exercise, but the doctor repeated to me to take things slowly and that healing bodies after pregnancy can take a year and to not rush it. BD was there and the rules in our house are that I can't exercise without supervision. Sex, well I still have to wait 2 weeks, but I am fine with that. I am honestly really scared to have sex again.

    A big part of my anorexia was overexercising the end of summer before sophomore year of high school. A two week period of eating a banana for breakfast, half hour running on treadmill, half our of weights, and half hour of crunches, then lunch, which was another banana, then repeat the exercise routine and then dinner. I did that every summer until I graduated high school and have been very cautious about exercising since.

    I wanted to be in the FBI before meeting BD, and I knew the only way I would achieve that was if I conquered ED, so I was exercising for the first time since high school on a treadmill when I met BD, and I remember he came home one day early on when we were dating and I think he was moved in at that point and he caught me pushing myself way too hard on the treadmill, so since then the rule is I can't go on the treadmill unless BD is supervising.

    So my plan is to walk on the treadmill 3x per week to start and BD will help me figure out weights and what to do. Once I get used to that, then the goal is to walk for 30 min 5x per week with whatever next weight thing that BD will figure out for me. Once I am used to that, then jogging 3x per week and 2x of walking 30 min. etc. So I am going to slowly and safely attempt the exercising.

    Also @Kenzi has helped me with a meal plan, so huge thanks!

    BD is heading home and grabbing me honey for my tea since we ran out. And Baby A is asleep still, which shocks me, but then again he did have 6oz!

    Also BD scheduled an indiviudal session with a new therapist for this Saturday so I am very happy with that!

    Also! I had no idea that husbands don't take night shifts when there is a newborn. The obgyn was so shocked that BD took night shifts since I do the day, and she told me not to tell any other new moms that or there would be mutiny in their households. I just figured that most men would offer to do nightshift while the woman is healing after birth, it didn't even occur to me that they didn't. So I am very appreciative of BD doing that.

    Anyways, I hope BD and I have a good evening!
    Last edited: May 1, 2019
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  4. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    No problem! :)
    M.S.H. and Queen_Of_Hearts_13 like this.
  5. January 3, 2018

    • One thing I am thankful for: My family
    • One thing I love about myself: I love my hair
    • One thing I want to improve: I want to be more trusting and less skeptical

    Positives from BD today:
    • BD made me a strawberry smoothie because he took my money to get himself breakfast
    • Wrote an article on Dating, Technology, and Disconnection for CTM and needed help with an ending and BD wrote a beautiful finishing paragraph for the article since I was having writer's block/anxiety
    • BD and I read part of a chapter in one of the recovery books

    What I want to work on:
    • confidence
    • self-acceptance
    • patience
    • knowing my happiness does not depend on my marriage

    Accountability with my eating
    I really want to not restrict and eat healthier so I will be posting what I eat every day (mainly for myself), and editing this post as the day goes on.

    - Strawberry smoothie (low-fat vanilla yogurt, frozen strawberries, coconut water, and 1/3 banana)

    Morning Snack
    - Peppermint tea (with some honey)
    -String cheese

    - Caesar salad (romaine, 2 tb lite caesar dressing, parmesean cheese)
    - Matcha green tea (with some honey)

    Afternoon Snack
    - Motts applesauce
    - Yoplait light very vanilla
    - Some smartfood

    - Fried rice (rice, broccoli, and chicken)
    Last edited: May 1, 2019
  6. BD and I were talking this morning about his schedule once his new job starts(the 8th), along with school(the 17th). On Tuesday/Thursdays he will be out of the house at 6:30 am and not home until 9:30-10 pm. I can tell you that I will be hating those days. Not because I'll be taking care of Baby A longer, but because I won't be seeing him all day, and basically I'll maybe see him in the morning before he leaves and we will go to sleep together. It's sad to think about, but at the same time I'm proud of BD for getting the BMW job.

    I know he has 3 hours between his classes those days, so hopefully, if he gets his homework done, then he would do recovery work...

    I guess I hope that between his job and school, and my job, blog, and school, and Baby A, we will still have time for each other. I guess I fear that we will both be so exhausted or have homework to do that we won't have time to talk, do recovery work, just be connected. I fear the disconnection. I also fear that the stress will affect him to act out either with P or cars.... and the worst fear is he won't tell me and I'll find out which means the end of the marriage. I am hoping BD gets that this is his last chance. Honesty is non-negotiable, and I hope his individual therapy will address the lying and why he lies, even though I've told him "you're honest I stay you lie I leave."

    Guess I am just nervous for the New Year...
    Last edited: May 1, 2019
    Kenzi likes this.
  7. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I get this so much. I hate this part of my life now, I have no control at all in how my life goes and it bothers me so much. It's all up to him, and as we know, he makes shitty choices (my husband, I mean).
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 likes this.
  8. Yes! It's the lack of control I have over my life that drives me crazy! It's like I just want to know one way or another, 100% know what is going to happen. Are we together or not, like jeez. But it's up to him, so it's like freaking make a decision, are you in or out? You can't be half in, it's 100% or nothing. (I know black and white thinking but you have to be in the relationship 100% if you want it to work)
    Jennica, TryingToHeal and Kenzi like this.
  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Yeah I want 100% also
    ... Buuuuutttt what does that look like
  10. True, @Kenzi what does that look like? Well, I for one think it looks like what we SO's have been doing. Being proactive, finding books and articles to read and educate ourselves, therapy, starting the hard conversations, opening up, journaling, interacting, having positive outlets, romancing your partner, surprising them, helping them, supporting them, making them feel like they are a priority and more importantly treating/showing them they are a priority. I'm sure I left things out but at least that's what 100% feels like to me.
  11. Going to the point of being 100% in the relationship/marriage and being respectful and listening to boundaries.

    An ex snapped me, I refer to him as Ethan. I was shocked since he barely contacts me, and I instantly remembered that he is on the boundaries list of people to not contact. So I immediately texted BD, informing him of the snap and asking what he wanted me to do. BD replied "Look at it? I don't know. What did he snap you?" I opened it and let him know that the snap was a video of it snowing in Savannah,GA and of his Game of Thrones T-shirt. BD replied, "Ewwwww, tell him he supports rape x2 now" (referring to Ethan not believing me and questioning whether his friend, my bf, of the time raped me).

    I write this to point out that my instincts are to respect boundaries, and be considerate of them. Even though to me Ethan is not a threat, I have no interest in him, if BD isn't fond of me having contact with him, I respect that because I respect BD.

    So that made me think about why PA's struggle with the boundaries or showing respect? If the SO wants a filter on all devices, why can't the PA be like, "Okay, which filter do you want me to put on?" rather than fight the SO? Is it just because of the addict brain, the lack of empathy? I wonder...
    Last edited: May 1, 2019
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  12. Derpy BD and I fought. I mean, I think we will be ok when he gets back so we can finish talking about it.

    I was washing Baby A's bottles, and so he was talking about how since there is a big snow thing coming he would, after feeding Baby A each time throughout the night go and get the snow off his car, and he also mentioned possibly shoveling some of the driveway. I was shocked that he would put himself in such an uncomfortable environment, but remembered it was about cars. This is all after he used the $50 amazon gift card from christmas to buy his new headlights for the beetle, which I guess the ones he bought are better for safety. Still I figured we would use the amazing giftcards my parents got us on Baby A stuff... I was just thinking his first instinct is to buy for him, for his car. Not thinking of the family? Meh. Whatever. It's safer, so I gues that gets him off the hook, right?

    I was just thinking that BD hates discomfort, like fuck he is so spoiled when it comes to being comfortable. He won't get out of bed if it too cold, so he has to put clothes on, or he has to turn on the heat, or turn off the heat if he doesn't like the temp, and don't even get me started about food. When BD is hungry, he has to eat, or it's like the end of the world.

    For instance this morning he was running late, is out of money, I have cash, he asks, I give in and let him have it, just so he can stop to get food before going to work, for which is is already late for (thank god is still works at my parents, he can't pull this off at BMW). I am sorry but maybe it's my anorexia but for fucks sake you're not going to die if you don't eat a meal, like god. That always pisses me off.

    And now, in our place, it's freezing, but do I change the temp? No, it's not the end of the world if it's a bit cold. I guess I get frustrated because I easily live in discomfort, if I am comfortable I honestly don't like it (which I think goes back to my own self-worth stuff).

    But anyways, so I told BD it's funny how he will put himself in such discomfort for his car, yet its been over a year and a half and he still can't start a conversation about his addiction with me because it's too uncomfortable. Thank you for making sure I knew your car was worth more than me and our relationship, again. Seriously, if you're going to make yourself uncomfortable, you would do it for your car, not us??? *sigh*

    I know, whatever. We will talk about it when BD gets back from picking up checks from his dad for the car stuff he got.
    Last edited: May 1, 2019
  13. January 4, 2018

    • One thing I am thankful for: My education
    • One thing I love about myself: I love that I know so much about psychology
    • One thing I want to improve: I want to be more patient

    Positives from BD today:
    • BD made us breakfast
    • BD did a journal prompt
    • BD was empathetic instead of defensive when i got triggered

    What I want to work on:
    • confidence
    • self-acceptance
    • patience
    • knowing my happiness does not depend on my marriage

    Accountability with my eating

    - One waffle square (with slice of butter and some maple syrup)
    - couple sips of coffee (with half n half)

    Morning Snack
    - Yoplait light vanilla yogurt

    - Chicken Noodle Soup
    - Cup of hot chocolate

    Afternoon Snack

    - chicken parm with pasta
    - had aprox 16 French fries
    - vodka gingerale (less than ounce of vodka)

    -some smartfood
    Last edited: May 1, 2019
  14. So BD is home today since it's a snowstorm over here. hence how he made breakfast this morning. BD also didn't do the snow thing at night but this morning he did get up to try to shovel the driveway for my dad. I am hoping that we will have a good day.

    Though I really need him to take our finances seriously, and also me being accountable with eating. He seems to think I can just eat whatever he eats (which is crap - candy, chips, junk food, soda, etc.). I don't want to eat that. Honestly, the only snack food I really enjoy is smartfood, which I have on occasion. He wants to watch How To Train Your Dragon with hot chocolate, but got sad when I said I'd have Matcha Green Tea. Hot chocolate wasn't on my thing so I wasn't sure what to do about that.

    But seriously, finances. I can keep to the budgets, the real question is can he? If he spends too much in one area, then well I won't be able to spend in a certain category. The main issue is food. He loves food, and has to be eating constantly (ironic since I struggle with anorexia). Seriously, if he is hungry and someone says he can't eat he will be pissed and throw an adult tantrum or just get take out or something.

    I didn't put a take our category in our finances. I put a hefty amount towards groceries. But he keeps talking about going out to restaurants. He was like, "Can we go to Chips?" I was thinking that it's a snowstorm and we don't have money for Chips (a family restaurant we go to quite often). He didn't really get it, I don't think.

    I know that between us both right now, I have a good amount I have to put in the bank, and he got the checks from his dad, which he is putting directly into our joint savings since he took out of our joint savings for the BMW thing.

    I also made a plan to save for a house and save for grad school for me. My parents agreed they would pay the first year and I would have to figure out the second year. Fair, generous. So I am working on trying to build my own individual savings so I can afford grad school. I don't really think BD gets finances and real life.

    He is a community college guy. His tuition costs him per semester for 2 auto classes $1350. I laugh at that price. My tuition for 2 online classes is about $3660 and that is undergrad. The grad school I want to go to, and have to get into, is $750 per credit, and classes are 3 credits each, and the internship class is 6 credits.

    We then got into our old argument about education. He is lucky that he can go to community college and get a job and blah blah blah. Me? To be a Counselor I have to get my Masters. So I can't just go to a community college, I actually need to be at a good ranking school that is accredited. Like, hello, not everyone can go to community college and end their education there. I just asked him to agree to disagree, but he was like, "Oh, because I'm right," and I just sighed. He is not correct in this. He just isn't. It's ignorant to think you can get by on just community college if you aren't in the auto field or nursing field (which I know they go on to continue their education). So anyways, just annoyed at that.

    I feel like because of BD being so comfortable and spoiled, in my opinion, he is not going to adjust to changes and act like a child and complain and stomp his feet, etc. Like holy hell, grow up. Realize we need ot budget, and actually put money away in savings. Because if we want to get a house, have me in grad school, and be taking care of Baby A, we need to be wise with our money. We can't just drop money on take out every other night, or him buying his levi jeans and tons of clothes. Dude! He has more clothes and shoes than I do!!!! I shop twice a year for my clothes (aside from this pregnancy shit) and spend a couple hundred a year on clothes. BD goes shopping for clothes every couple months and spends around $150 at times.

    I just hope BD gets the memo that we are adults with responsibilites and can't just go out every weekend and buy things. Like no.

    Sorry rant over. I'm not mad at BD right now, more just frustrated with how this will all play out.
    Last edited: May 1, 2019
    Kenzi likes this.
  15. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I had This Exact problem with Rock_Star years ago.
    Time to put kids. First.
    It took a while.
    And he had to surrender all the money.
    We started to not survive.
    At all.
    In fact.... We started debt and to starve.
    He wanted a allowance.
    He was not My child...
    So he finally opted for nothing.
    We finally have savings and things, I buy him lots of nice things but it took a long time to get here.
    We crashed and burned once or twice.
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 likes this.
  16. January 5, 2018

    • One thing I am thankful for: My friends
    • One thing I love about myself: I love my dark sense of humor
    • One thing I want to improve: I want to be more financially savvy

    Positives from BD today:
    • BD came home to help me get Baby A to the doc apt

    What I want to work on:
    • confidence
    • self-acceptance
    • patience
    • knowing my happiness does not depend on my marriage

    Accountability with my eating

    - Oatmeal

    Morning Snack
    - yoplait vanilla yogurt
    - some smart food

    - Fried rice (rice, broccoli, and chicken)
    - Glass of water
    -Matcha green tea (with honey)

    Afternoon Snack
    - Applesauce
    - String cheese

    - Chicken Katsu (teryaki sauce on side) with white rice and miso soup
    Last edited: May 1, 2019
  17. Yesterday evening I was showering, BD was reading one of the recovery books, there were triggers. I was highly triggered, we were fighting kinda, and there was a point where BD just stopped and said something along the lines of, "This must really be hard for you" or "You must really be hurting right now" and that changed the entire night.

    I was confused by that reaction from him, I am used to having to fight him, defend myself, try to have him show my empathy. This was new.

    BD reached out his hand and said, "I'm here" and took my hand and I was trying not to cry but did, and he pulled me to him to hug him (which I was shocked he was dressed and doesn't like getting wet if he is hanging out in the bathroom with me while I shower). I was actually letting myself cry and feel and he said, "you're safe" and I went numb and all feelings were gone. I noticed it though, I noticed right where and why I repressed or went numb. I told BD that. He said he wished he was that good at identifying the moment he represses.

    We also talked about why BD gets angry and defensive when I get triggered. To him if he shows anger towards me he knows I'll shrink, won't tell him my pain, will hide it, break down when he is not around, and so he figured (on a subconscious level) he would get angry at me to shut me down so he wouldn't have to face my pain and then feel it. But what he did the "You must really be hurting" allowed him to feel my pain, to empathize. He was so close to crying, I saw it, though I wasn't sure but BD confirmed he was feeling feelings.

    We also discussed his anger and how when he gets frustrated he starts hitting his head against things (whether it's a wall, a head board, the book he is holding, whatever). I always get so worried when he does that, and a bit frightened because I don't know what to do. In the past I've tried stopping him but that doesn't end up well. His dad told him that when he was a little kid, if BD got too upset and angry he would lay on the floor and start hitting his head on the floor. When BD brought that up, I said, "Oh, connection, think, keep talking" trying to get BD to notice that this was a coping mechanism he has done since he was a little kid. He bangs his head when he gets frustrated he said.

    The rest of the night was nice, almost eerily normal. Like we were a normal healthy married couple. I started tearing up because I haven't felt that for a while now.

    Today we cuddled in the morning before BD got up. I still felt positive towards BD this morning. And by positive, I mean, I felt the love for him, even the romantic love which I was feeling detached from. He is coming home later today to help me get Baby A to the docs. So I am excited to see him.

    We also have to go to the DMV tomorrow morning (yuck!) and then he has an individual therapy session with a new therapist, so I am hoping that goes well!
    Last edited: May 1, 2019
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  18. So the doc apt went well, Baby A was weighed and measured for height. He is 11.3 lbs (83%) and 23.75 in (97%) tall.

    The doc asked me how I was feeling. I was honest, I told her that the only thing that has been affecting me negatively is the really low body image from the anorexia. She said I looked really good for just 5-6 weeks post pregnancy and reminded me it took 9 months to make Baby A so it will take time to get my body back.

    Time. I think that most people with eating disorders don't get the time thing, or maybe it's just me. But I just want the changes to happen quickly, which is stupid because I know bodies change over time. But then again, that's probably part of the irrational thinking. For instance, if I eat french fries, maybe 5, I would suddenly feel like I was fat, when in reality nothing changed. So I don't know but it's like when it comes to the anorexia I don't have a sense of time or how things work with food and body.

    I have to say though that I am proud that I've made my food. I usually don't make food, because I get serious anxiety about making myself food. I can cook for others, but if I am making food for myself sometimes I just panic and can't do it. For instance, it took me a whole year of watching BD make me strawberry smoothies to be able to make them myself, and I still have days where the anxiety is too much. But I am working on it. I am proud to say I made myself that caesar salad the other day. I actually washed and cut up the romaine (which was the anxiety part of me making a salad).

    I am hoping this year that I can really learn how to cook, how to interact with food without the anxiety getting in the way for the most part, and be okay not skipping meals or snacks.

    I know I am only on day 3 but I probably haven't eaten this well in a long time. Even though I felt I didn't relapse during pregnancy there were times where I wasn't eating three meals a day. Honestly, I've been in treatment 4 times since 2013 and I wish they got us to interact with food. I wish they taught us how to cook, and how to feel okay around food. I think that is my challenge this year, to be comfortable in a kitchen and cooking things myself. I am sure BD will appreciate me learning. Although we have a joke in the house where if I even suggest I will cook that night BD laughs and I join in because we both know that me trying to cook, well it would end with it burnt, undercooked, or just not have much flavor. But I've been watching BD cook since we've been together and there have been rare times I've cut the chicken after it was partially cooked. I like helping BD during dinner because I get food exposure. So while he is cooking the

    BDs mom called and talked to me about how she has been in bed for two days and isn't going to be in work until Sunday. she asked about BD and his job and said she wants him to drop by and pick up the Christmas gifts and molten lava cakes (BDs favorite). she offered to watch Baby A on tuesdays andwednesdays since those are her days off this time of year. She also talked about how she and her boyfriend went gambling and he lost $600 in the first two hours. She also mentioned how she went out at 5 am this morning to shovel snow off her car because she heard it was going to be icy or something and because her boyfriend didn't offer, nor her brother, or the other guy that lives there. She was like "I live with three guys and none of them offered or could do this when they know I'm sick."

    She said she is going to text BD..... if anyone doesn't know, BD has issues with his mom. So this will be interesting in how he is affected... he just made great progress yesterday with actually trying to empathize with me. I fear his mom entering his life again is going to make him shut down.
    Last edited: May 1, 2019
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  19. @AnonymousAnnaXOXO: I am still catching up on on threads....I read a few days ago that you were talking about exercising. In June, after my almost-total-crash, I was able to stabilize and I was looking for a at-home exercise routine. I Google'd "workout at home beginner" --- I looked over at least 25 different websites, and I ended up finding this:

    If you scroll down like 3 times .. you will see a 30-day calendar ... each day, there is a link to a YouTube video...it's mostly 10 minute / 20 minute / 30 minute little routines. I really liked how they change things up a bit: one day it's a low-impact working; then "Lose Belly Fat"; then Kickboxing (this one is always awesome!); etc.

    They sprinkle in a couple off-days per week. The exercises are all easy to do, at-home. I did this for 30 days and loved it. At the bottom, they have a link to a 90-day version, which is the same basic stuff....a little more challenging maybe.

    And it's all free! The videos are pretty well made....do it all at home with just a couple small hand weights (even water bottles or cans work) I did this, and have continued to do it --- and I've lost 30 pounds since the end of June. (I've also watched what I was eating...they have some general guidelines for eating--not a strict diet or anything)

    ANYWAY .. if you are still looking for an exercise routine .. give this one a look.
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 likes this.
  20. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Let me know if you need anything help with the food stuffs.
    I know how hard it is.
    And the time concept is remarkably difficult to grasp... It seems like the weight poofs on but never poofs off and it is never "equal"
    But getting into the kitchen and learning about food is a good thing to the evil Demons :)
    And good luck to Jak and his mom.
    Family is especially stressful.
    I have been thinking about making rules for Rock_Star sister actually because she is such a cause of stress... But can boundaries apply on other families members? With consequences?
    Hmmm "food for thought"
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 likes this.

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