I really need help...

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Borntoshine33, Aug 4, 2019.

  1. Borntoshine33

    Borntoshine33 Fapstronaut

    I really need help right now .
    So basically i have heard and learned that our nofap journey is a lot easier if we go stress and anxiety free...
    I am 164 day MO free ...i don't struggle with P
    But even after so many days i still struggle with acute stress disorder and post traumatic stress disorder ...
    And stress is main emotional trigger for MO..
    So i have to battle against myself harder than it is supposed to be.
    I never listened to music but due to extreme stress and overcoming MO cravings i listened to music again...then I felt bad as this was not something I used to do and i left it completely half a month ago..
    But the problem is that i cannot let go of the stress... It attacks me everyday.. And i have hard time controlling my MO behavior or music addiction coz of it....also stress hampers my studies as well...i cant study productively and then on exam days I have to cram everything night before and that adds additional stress to my already existing stress.... So just imagine the mo cravings i have on exam days...
    I always fight and for me quiting MO is my topmost priority but stress makes it so harder

    My reason for stress /stress disorders
    Last year in my uni i kinda really liked my classmates I never really talked to him as i do not like relationships.. So in November 2018 my friend told me he likes me too .. After that i started loving him so although I never talked to him about that but in my mind i planned to marry this guy etc etc... I really loved him..
    One months later i found a photo of his friends on IG smoking weed... I thought to myself it is just his friend and not him... But i kept searching for more and more and I came to know that he was involved in lot of bad stuff... He and his friends used to hookup with girls by luring them into love etc..
    So i understood everything and thanked god for saving me... But this was the man I loved and wanted to marry .. What he turned out in the end left a kind of scar on my mind... Like the one you have when you escaped an assault or fatal car accident . As a result i keep thinking about it every other day... This trauma is too much to take... I can't get his thoughts, fear, anxiety out of my head...


    I would really appreciate your advices
     
    A leaf likes this.
  2. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    Ruminating brain / over analyzing / excessive worrying / overly concerned / resistance / anxiety / tension = "I want to hang on to my beliefs and world view because it is comfortable and familiar. Reality has no guarantees and I don't think I can handle if things doesn't go my way. Maybe if I think about it enough I can erase any possibilities of pain / problems / negative experiences / discomfort / uncertainty / difficulty, but deep down I believe that things will go wrong... so I will prepare myself emotionally by mentally predicting all the ways in which things can go wrong."

    Fear / anxiety / stress is really just a negative expectation. Excitement / joy / relief is a positive expectation.

    Overthinking is an ineffective method to maintain control in a world where there's no guarantees. It usually leads to even more loss of control and poor performance. It's illogical to believe that if you think and worry about something enough that you'll be able to control the situation so that you can erase any possibility of a negative experience.

    It's a habit that you've reinforced. You experienced something negative in the past which caused you to become overly careful in life. Your mind thinks if it can hold on to the pain / anger / fear long enough then it can make that past hurt unhappen and to make sure that you avoid any possibly pain in the future.

    So instead of allowing yourself to perform your best by having a positive expectation and learning to deal with whatever the outcome is (positive or negative), you're being super careful and end up self sabotaging your performance which leads to a self fulfilling prophecy of your negative expectation becoming true and you go into this downwards spiral of over thinking / negative expectations / stress / anxiety / fear deeper and deeper reinforcing this habit / identity all in the name of trying to control reality that has no guarantees.

    You have to let go of trying to control something that hasn't happened yet. You have to learn how to handle different outcomes by doing things and accepting that things might not work in your favor. You have to let go of the past story that you're holding on to in the hopes that its pain will unhappen (it stops when you let go of it and allow yourself to step into a better future... not if you keep holding on to it out of fear).
     
    Zenstate and Borntoshine33 like this.
  3. Borntoshine33

    Borntoshine33 Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much ..
    Seems like you have perfectly understood everything that is going in my life or had happened ..
    Yes i had a past experience that caused me to b vigilant and on my guard but I have to believe future is uncertain and no matter how much we worry about it we cannot change it... And we should not have a negative perception about our future ... Future is uncertain and no matter how much we worry or stress about it it is destined what is to come and our destiny is not gonna change and destiny is not always bad...I believe there is something good written for me...
    Thank you for your valuable message... Much appreciated :)
     
    elevate likes this.
  4. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    Learn to handle negative experiences and outcomes not working in your favor. Mental and emotional intelligence are muscles that need to be conditioned if you want a better life.

    Avoiding and preparing for it via stress / worry / fear / being a control freak just makes you weaker and unable to handle future experiences.

    You think that if you hold on tight enough you'll be able to stay safe (which is just a comfortable story that you tell yourself), but there's really nothing to hold on to and life is never safe. There will always be pain / problems / negative experiences along with pleasure / solutions / positive experiences. That's reality. When people try to escape the negative and have only the positive via something like porn, then you devoid life of all of its fulfillment. Trying to avoid the negative by being very careful in life is pretty much seeking death. Death is the ultimate form of comfort / peace / escapism. People who spend most of their life escaping reality isn't really living at all. They just want to stay as comfortable as possible until everything ends. That's not a good way to live your life.

    So let go. There's nothing to hold on to. There's no guarantees. There's no safety. Do your best by trusting yourself to handle each experience as it comes. Become someone that's stronger to handle negative experiences and you'll be able to increase the higher quality positive experiences in your life.
     
    Borntoshine33 likes this.
  5. Borntoshine33

    Borntoshine33 Fapstronaut

    Surely will do
    Thanks a lot for your valuable advice...i copied on my personal notepad as well as my journal ...
    Helped me a lot
     
  6. TrueSaiyan

    TrueSaiyan Fapstronaut

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    You're not alone I would just like to say. Main reason why I watch or Masturbate is because of the struggle with life and that we all seem to go threw either if it's High School or Adulthood. I'm doing it out of loneliness pretty much and the loss of friendships that I've had in the past. Try always being the friend that is keeping up the friendship when they don't ever initiate a conversation or anything. Then you realize that its not even worth the time anymore to keep up with it. That is pretty much what gets my stress going along with working all the time. Loneliness is a big factor and it sucks.

    I pray for you to have success though and to not be a fallen (giving up on nofap.).. Over time we realize who people truly are. They might have a different mask on you first meet them, but there is always another mask they put on or a hidden mask that doesn't show. For me I am now seeing masks of selfishness. It just sucks I don't see the same people I once saw.
     

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