I need your honest advice.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by LifeTraveller, Jun 7, 2019.

  1. LifeTraveller

    LifeTraveller New Fapstronaut

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    Hello guys, I'm having a hard time in my personal life and I feel like it will help me a lot if some of you could just give me some of your time to read my story, thank you :)

    I'm in a relationship since 3 years ago, even thou we're happy together and we love each other I've been feeling my personal problems have overtaken my life with my girlfriend.

    I always had a porn addicion since little, which ended up prefering that instead of having to interact with females because of feeling ashamed of myself. My main problem is I feel evaluated for everything, which means I can't feel 100% comfortable with anyone.

    Because of having explored too much porn and also, having tried the experience of escots (before relationship) multiple times, I ended up with this feeling that my personality (affectuous and caring) doesn't match with my sexual urges, which include a lot of disrespectful and kinky shit towards women.

    I feel I like stuff I wouldn't even think about doing to my gf because of how objectifying it is. This led me to a point where I started geting on online chats just to be able to masturbate thinking of those kinks without feeling my emotions involved in the process.

    I just want to experience normal sex, affective sex, with my girlfriend, without feeling incredibly bad for having certain thoughts cross my mind.

    I tend to let my thoughts define who I am, and I hate myself because of that. I put so much effort in being my best version on one side but, on the other side, feeling such a bad person becausd of certain thoughts makes me actually want to hurt myself emmotionally and be what I hate the most.

    The problem now is, sometimes, some bad times, I feel so terribly engaged in this thought of "I need to do all this bad things to unknown women" that I felt so bad I ended up causing this situation I went to an escort a couple days ago, being in a relationship with my girlfriend.

    It felt awful and actually didn't make any change in any of my urges, but of course, now I feel I'm a betrayer. A double betrayer actually because, a year ago, I alread confessed going into chats to my GF and she was very understanding.
    I could fix it for some months but, as soon as I felt insecure again, I felt worse and worse and started chating again, deeper and deeper.

    I don't want this behaviour to repeat, I feel I crossed a line, and the only thing I want is to let my gf know how much I love her, every day, in the smallest details.

    Should I tell her? I feel I should, but also, I think it would only damage her. I know it can sound really bad but, I feel I won't have the opportunity to prove her I want to make a change in me if I confess now.

    I just don't understand how can I love so much someone and yet do this.
    I feel like a bastard who doesn't deserve anything.

    I'd really appreciate your opinion. Sorry for the long post.
     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2019
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  2. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    I’m the SO of a porn addict. I commend you on your ability to see how your actions affect another, also your girlfriend sounds like a treasure. You also seem to be aware that you have an issue with conflicted thinking/actions. Porn use , I don’t feel is about sex, but rather about attachment/connection.
    Your therapist will help you greatly. Have you thought a about 12 steps program as well. Breaking the porn habit is a journey of self discovery. You see the cycle of addiction...so you’re already one step ahead.
    My advise would be to include your partner in learning as much as possible about sex/porn addiction. Be open and honest with your GF. Be available , no secrets, double messages, secret chat lines...etc.
    I wish you success and freedom. It can be achieved ... you can have it if YOU want it...FREEDOM.
    Safe journey
     
  3. LifeTraveller

    LifeTraveller New Fapstronaut

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    What I'm affraid of is, this is not the first time something other than porn happens (online random chat webcaming) since we're together. And this second time, we're talking about something worse, an escort. I think it was a miracle the first time that she was so supportive but hell, she got hurt. I think this time, releasing the truth would kill any chance of changing things...

    I need to be able to prove I don't want this any more, I'm commited to break it.

    On the other hand, I feel this urge of doing "the right thing" and telling her, which would hurt her so much...
     
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  4. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Ya I understand, it’s all fear based. Sounds like your acting out is escalating. I can’t tell you what to do. I do believe you know what that is. Like any addict , you have to want to grow and evolve...that’s your life journey. Rise to the challenge..or stay defeated.

    It’s not going to be easy, but it’s going to be worth it.
     
  5. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

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    Life traveler.
    You absolutely need to tell her everything. Literally everything that you have done. In talking about literally every big giant golden nugget (online chats , escorts ) and then every single flake of gold.
    You have been trying to control and manage, and manipulate everything in your life . You not wanting to tell her because it's going to hurt her is again controlling and manipulating a situation that you have no control over. Yes, she may actually leave you , this guaranteed will devastate her . And this will change your life course as you and her knew it . But this isn't your choice and decision to make . This is hers. You know that awful feeling you feel when you know you're lying to her , and lying go yourself , and have to pretend like everything is ok? This feeling will make you crumble and probably make you feel so shameful that you will again go back to an escort or something else. You can not , I repeat cannot beat this , and change your life until you are 125% honest with her . You can't tell her just a few things. That shame gut feeling that you know you are still lying will still be there. But most importantly you need to be 125% honest with yourself . Maybe for the first time in your life .
    Do me a favor , look in the mirror , stare at yourself and say " today I was honest " and let me know how bad that gut feeling feels when you know what you're saying is so wrong . I promise , if you tell her everything which may be the hardest thing you may ever have to do . The next time you go to the mirror and say " I was honest " you're gonna feel so something you haven't felt in so very long .....peace.
    Again , you have to tell her , and you have to allow her to decide what she wants to do. Because at the end of the day, you just have to stop trying to control .
     
  6. Castielle

    Castielle Fapstronaut

    I would say you should tell her. I can't say it will be easy, and I can't guarantee she will understand or even stay with you. But it's the right thing to do. I think part of you cares about hurting her, but I think probably a bigger part of you is just afraid of having to own up to your actions and afraid that she will leave you. Because honestly, if you are completely putting her needs first, there isn't much question of whether or not you should tell her. She deserves to know what she's getting herself into by being with you, and she also deserves to have the opportunity to leave if she thinks she deserves better.

    I'm sorry if that's harsh. I hope that she doesn't choose to leave, but I think she should have the choice and be fully informed. Anything less than that is not fair.

    I also would echo the advice above about getting into a 12 step program for sex addiction, because this is serious stuff if it's causing you to actually act out by seeing an escort. That's very serious, and you probably need more help to be able to tackle this. Don't lose hope. You can overcome this, but you can't do it on your own, and people online might not be enough. I wish you all the best in overcoming this addiction.
     
  7. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Lies are like credit cards. the longer you leave the balance on the card, the more interest it accumulates. You will most assuredly have to pay for it someday.
     
  8. JPDrive

    JPDrive Fapstronaut

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    Stupid question:

    Has anyone here been 125% honest with their partner, completed their reboot, and NOT have their relationship completely destroyed in the process?

    I get the 100% honesty policy, but from what I am seeing the track record is just not there.

    From what I’ve read and gathered from chats with others, this falls under the category of “what is dead may never die”. In other words, the relationship is already dead, you just don’t know it yet.

    IMHO, getting the SO as an AP (the role your honesty has now forced them into) shifts the power dynamic in the relationship from a partnership to a persecutor/victim one and effectively nukes the whole thing.

    I have thought many times since starting my reboot about coming clean with my wife. Every time, all I see is destruction in the wake of PMO and reboots. Right now, I am leaning on the side of get clean of PMO first, then decide whether/what to tell the SO. For me rebooting is stressful enough. Having my wife involved... recipe for disaster for the reboot and the marriage.

    Is this a sign that I may be with the wrong person if I don’t think she can help me through the reboot? Maybe. But that would be a topic for a different thread.
     
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  9. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

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    As of now. I have told my fiance literally everything. 2 escorts , with drugs involved as well as three rub and tugs . The first one when she was 4 months pregnant with our son.
    At first she found out only about one escort in which I spent 3200$ of our money on .when I was visiting the US. For a month she kept asking me . Is that all? Is there Nothing else you need to tell me ? I kept saying that's it. Everytime I said that. I knew I was still lying to her.
    I realized that if it was anything that I felt wouldn't affect her decision to stay with me or not. I would tell the truth, anything she asked that I felt would of affected her decision I lied. I was trying to control the situation .
    And I found I was lying about little things ... I realized it was because I was still lying to her about big things.
    There was a rough day I was having 30 days into my recovery and she asked if there was anything else I needed to tell her. I couldn't hold onto that gut feeling anymore. I told her everything .... Which was more serious than the original thing I told her.
    All the progress she had in that month was completely wiped away , and she was back to where she started.
    But I can't tell you how good it felt to just literally tell her everything .
    I use this analogy my life and our relationship has been like a swamp. All this muck that wasn't a very good solid foundation. I had to scoop out all of muck to get to solid ground . You have to get every single little bit muck out of there . And then once it's out. You have to make sure you mantain that solid foundation. If you feel like you lied to her about something small . You have to tell her you lied , retract and tell the truth. We are trained to lie all the time. We've been doing for so long so for us , it's natural to lie. We have to swim up current and tell the truth.
    Right now. I'm on day 51. My fiance and her family know everything about me. Every little secret. And it's not 100% that we are staying together. But she has accepted that if she does decide to stick with me . This is something that will be apart of her entire life . As is my addiction . But she says as long as she sees progress, and I keep trying hard. And keep being 100% honest that she thinks she can regain trust little by little.
    I can't guarantee that we will end up staying together. But I'm extremely optimistic as is she. We feel we both of have never felt so close and real to anyone else until now . It's unfortunate that it had to come to this to feel that. But I've never been in a healthy relationship ( started my addiction around 10yr) but I'm starting to feel different , more aware. More emotional ( which is good and natural ) holding her hand feels like fireworks. And I know she feels the same way.
     
  10. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Chefb87...you are correct. Every time a little bit more of the truth comes out..it decays what may have been built. If at all possible tell the whole truth, the entire truth and don’t hold anything back. It seriously sucks for the SO. the trickle truth stuff.

    And you are correct, if you’ll lie on little things, you’ll lie on big things. I’m happy you did the right thing. It took great courage and bravery. Good job.

    Wishing you and your GF happiness and success
     
  11. Box_of_tissues

    Box_of_tissues Fapstronaut

    Honesty is really the key to everything, both in managing your relationships, but also in your own personal struggles. At the base of it all, secrecy is what fosters darker desires and makes us think we can get away with things we know are bad. If we didn't think that what we're doing is bad, we wouldn't try to hide it.

    This is what I'm learning right now, as I'm going through therapy for cheating on my wife (1 emotional affair, and 1 emotional and physical affair in the last 5 years), as well as a lifelong porn and masturbation addiction. I realize now that keeping these things secret all these years has not only affected my relationship with my wife, but also made me think I could do it again. Looking back, I wish I had told her up front of my porn addiction, and I wish I would have told her right away when I started fancying one of our friends; there's a chance things would have never gotten so dire between us if I had been honest from the get to.

    Now my wife is realizing she doesn't know me as well as she thought; she sees a stranger. We're still working things together, but there are no guarantees that she will decide to stay with me. But if I want to be a good person, I need to stay honest and tell her about my urges, and my bad life decisions. She has actually been far more receptive than I thought she would be honestly; I thought she would see me as a monster, but she does understand my struggles. As I mentioned though, there's no guarantees she will stay; this honesty and efforts in working out my issues becomes about me, and wanting to live a better life.

    So yes, I recommend being honest with your SO.
     
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  12. Castielle

    Castielle Fapstronaut

    I'm proud of you, dude! I can't imagine how hard that would be. But as a woman whose husband has lied to her many times, only to come forward later and tell me everything, I can say we are 100% better off now that everything I'd out in the open. There's a reason for the statement "the truth will set you free." I knew something was wrong, even if I didn't know why, when he was lying to me about stuff. I don't have that feeling anymore, because I know he had told me everything. It's so much better this way.
     
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  13. JKnight

    JKnight Fapstronaut

    I agree with a lot of things here. Actually, the 12-step program doesn't advise disclosure until later on. First requiring an inner 'spiritual' revolution to manifest before starting to make amends for past misdeeds.

    Disclosing and non-disclosure are both double-edged swords.
    disclosing, not only basically kills your relationship with your SO. it shifts the power to them, and from what I gather reading tonnes of their comments here from SOs, they never really trust you again, and it's really something else that's keeping them from leaving. But it also helps you feel more accountable because you told your SO the truth and it also stops them worrying about that you might be doing worse.

    Depending on the calibre of woman that she is, having her support you might be a really good way to ensure that you recover properly.

    Non-disclosure, might enable you to let your SO know that you had an addiction when you're fully recovered. This might make their anxiety levels go down, as this is not something is continuing anymore. It means that you can work on your relationship properly without the huge 'betrayal trauma' that they have while you are recovering. I don't view non-disclosure as lying, especially while you are in recovery, but your SO might. She might continue to mistrust you, just about something worse or she might know that you have a problem and is building up anger at why you haven't told her yet. You are also not accountable to anyone but yourself, so actually recovering, might be difficult. Especially going hard mode.

    What I would advise is to ignore what PAs or SOs write here on this forum about whether or not you should advise. If you choose to go the 12-step or other recovery program route, take their counsel about how and when to disclose and rely on it if you get into trouble. Otherwise, get yourself a therapist and seek their counsel about what to do. Either one of those have success with these kind of things and are qualified to advise
     
  14. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Honesty destroyed the relationship. ???

    What would be "shifted" would be your preferred power dynamic, ie the one where all the power is on your side. As long as you are keeping a secret like this, you don’t have a partnership. You have one person (you) holding all the cards and trying to control the behavior of another person (your SO) by depriving them of the information they need to make an informed decision.

    Bingo

    Also..
    Again, I'm confused. Disclosing “kills the relationship”? All this time I thought the relationships were killed by the lying, lack of communication, and by the addictive behaviors.

    These forums are filled with SOs taking hit after hit, struggling to stay with their PAs and to finally build a true relationship for the first time. You are afraid that honesty might result in the loss of your security. Instead, as a result of your dishonesty, you are depriving yourself of the true security that could come from knowing your SO made an informed decision to stay.
     
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2019
  15. JKnight

    JKnight Fapstronaut

    Of course. You think all honesty doesn't hurt like hell and make someone reconsider the relationship even unjustly?
    where the power is on both sides. the power shifts to the PA having to basically serve the SO and live without personal space and privacy just for the sake of rebuilding trust. That's not healthy. Personal space and privacy in a relationship is healthy. It's also allows the SO to unjustly use the addict card to redirect responsibility and to shift blame for things that aren't due to the addiction. It's essentially a get-out-of-jail free card and it's also a terrible horrifying secret that we don't want anyone else to know and now the SO knows it and there is no guarantee of them protecting that secret.

    Of course there is a partnership even with this secret, that's a bit grandstanding. Why are you depriving anyone of anything? the SO should judge based on behaviour and intent. If the PA's behaviour is hurtful to an extreme where the relationship cannot exist, and is being actively sabotaged, that's all the information that's required. They don't need a whole psychological evaluation to make a decision here.
    lack of communication can be remedied. the addictive behaviour whilst the root cause of what damages the relationship, it's more the addiction causing the addict to react strangely and withdraw from normal relationship activities with the partner. Disclosing brings on a world of hurt and 'betrayal trauma' and whatnot. This forum is filled with SOs talking about it and how they can never trust their PA again and they feel like killing themselves and how could they go on and stuff like that.
    mate, i disclosed to my SO. there was no dday or anything I chose of my own free will to disclose. There was no ominous foreshadowing of doom yet to come if I didn't. I chose to.

    Not disclosing is not being dishonest, it's just being secretive and not communicating an issue properly, it's just not being open and transparent.

    afraid losing my security? Did you read what I wrote? I said that both disclosing and not disclosing have pros and cons and that ultimately, no-one here is qualified to advise on the matter and they should seek qualified help before making a decision. I also mentioned that addiction programs like the 12 step program advise against disclosing until a certain level of recovery has been achieved.

    Maybe before marriage or just before having kids then it might be considered an informed decision to stay. Otherwise it's not an informed decision to stay it's a feeling of duty and obligation; of being trapped by external elements.
     
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  16. JPDrive

    JPDrive Fapstronaut

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    @Susannah @JKnight I appreciate both of your perspectives here.

    Thank you.

    I like the idea of reaching a certain level of recovery before disclosing. To have my wife come at me with venom for all the hurt would pretty much torpedo any recovery.

    I don’t think this is a black/white decision. My intentions are to recover and revitalize our relationship. I am making strides toward fixing the situation. Nuking the relationship and the recovery out of a sense of morality or fairness and expecting something good to come out of that is beyond my vision and feels idealistic to me.

    I believe my wife and I have something worth saving. We can get there from here. Killing it to save it seems the high risk route. I’ve been walking a tightrope too long.

    If I chose to disclose in the future I want to be very certain I am clean and can stay clean. Once she is looking for me to screw up, she will be locked and loaded.

    It isn’t a me vs. my wife thing. It is how do we move forward in a way that will allow us to grow our relationship together. Tearing through the pain of the past is just not going to help anyone or anything.

    I just want to put this behind us and watch our relationship blossom. Torpedoing the marriage so we can have a fair and fresh start is not fair to her and not fair to me.
     
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  17. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    It is not possible for you to move forward and grow your relationship if you are lying to her. Not telling her something is still lying no matter how you try to spin it.

    You are selfishly making decisions for her, to protect yourself and your addiction, because you are scared. You are taking away all of her choices, essentially holding her prisoner under a web of lies. She does not have free will in your marriage when you lie to her. You have removed her choice to either support you or leave the marriage. You have removed from her the ability to find support for herself, you are traumatizing her with your betrayal everyday. Everything she believes about you is untrue and you are choosing to lead her around blindly.

    Except she is probably not quite as blind as you think. Ask any SO here, we all knew. We might not have known what it was exactly, or at least to the full extent, but we knew there was something going on. You also need to know that regardless of when you tell her, it will get worse before it gets better. You have betrayed your vows, her trust, her emotions, and her sexuality. You can't possibly think that if you get a little farther along in your recovery that she will just jump for joy and shower praise on you. She will have her own trauma to recover from, trauma that you caused. What will make it even worse is if she finds out the truth before you tell her. Then whatever trust you might have had will be gone. Your attempts at recovery will then be looked at as "because you got caught" not because "this is something that you want."

    You are lying to yourself if you think this will go any other way.
     
  18. JKnight

    JKnight Fapstronaut

    That's a little over-dramatic.

    @JPDrive instead of taking advice from either an SO or a PA here, go speak to a counselor or join an addiction-therapy program and follow that program. That's the most rationale thing to do. Definitely more than an emotional appeal from SOs who may or may not have a completely different experience, situation and dynamic than you and your partner or what they will dub as the 'brain fog' or fear of PAs.
     
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  19. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Actually, it's less dramatic than how it really is. And it's not an emotional appeal, that's what a porn addiction does to the partner of the addict. You dont have to like it or even believe it yourself for it to be true. I do, however, agree with you that he should seek out help from a 12 step program and/or a CSAT. Those will only aid in his recovery.

    I'm sorry that you do not have the greatest relationship with your wife. You've mentioned it a few times. However, projecting your personal issues onto everyone else does no one any good.
     
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2019
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  20. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    You sound like you could be a SA?

    Check out dr.weiss sex therapist and expert in sex addictions and their SO betrayal trauma has lots videos on YouTube. He doesn’t advocate disclosure in several situations...plus disclosing before having a support system is going to just plunge you back into coping mode.

    I was actually amazed to hear dr.weiss describe this process; unfortunately not many SO’s tell you that. Get informed.


    Addictions form because of a void. You need to assume you have a cavity in your personality. Hiding it won’t heal it. Show and telling will make you feel better but it doesn’t heal it either.

    Stealing GMC’s tagline: you need to get professional-grade; read books from them, listen to them, watch them. Plan to get dirty in order to dig to get the root of your problem. Reboot without the root is a relapse.

    Talking helps. Lots of talking. Doesn’t have to be your SO, but you need to share. Once problem roots are exposed and extracted (discussed or journaled extensively) you can start healing with new coping mechanisms.

    1). Read or listen to information about addicts and treatment. Get your cerebral cortex humming by reading as much as you can tolerate. I’d say share 100% all the dirt with a therapist. You DO need to come clean.

    2). Remind your partner your need for recovery is bigger than your relationship; it likely predates it and none of it is their fault/responsibility. You are discovering that you need to fill your emotional voids with healthy activities; you need to plan your day and be accountable to a support person.

    3). Most Addicts after years of learned coping behaviors as addicts do not overcome in a straight-line progression. Be prepared for the see-saw effect.

    4). I would recommend journaling and be totally honest there to reconnect your left and right side hemispheres of your brain.

    As an SA and PA, I am here for you.
     
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