I need your help. I‘m frustrated

5 days ago, I relapsed again. And you can believe or not: I never felt worse before in my entire life.

On 26th April, I swore to me that I will never never never do it again, because now I know exactly that masturbation not my world (Note: I‘m asexual).

It went all well, but 35 days later, I got a big erection.
I was afraid and tried to distract me but it didn‘t want to go away.

6 days later, it was still there and I got mad. Then I thought, if I relapse it wouldn’t be so bad, so I did that.

But I felt so horrible. I felt like an idiot.

Today, I‘m still struggling with these thoughts. I try the whole time to encourage me and I say things to me like: It‘s all ok, You‘ve done the right thing, I could be worse etc. But nothing helps.

But here comes the worst thing:
I‘m that kind of guy who enjoys anime so much then nobody else. If I watch them, I feel like I‘m part of it.

In the last days, I watched so many anime and got so beautiful memories.

But after that relapse, I somehow have bad memories if I look back to these days.

It is such a horrible feeling, you can‘t imagine. Now I‘m afraid that these memories will forever stay in a bad way.

Can someone of you tell me, what I can do about this? I‘m really really frustrated.