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I need help!! Quit PMO but I have a brand new problem.

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by EffingA, Feb 12, 2017.

  1. EffingA

    EffingA Fapstronaut

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    Okay, here's my story, in brief. I'm a straight guy, but when I get super horny there's like a switch that flips and I get this attraction to men. Not even men, really, but more the idea of gay sex. It turns me on somehow, and there were times before nofap that I'd watch gay porn to get off. It never bothered me because I was certain that I was attracted to girls and this was just some sort of perversion. Once I fapped, I'd always be back to normal (and I've never been attracted to real life guys).

    Cut to a few months off PMO. Same deal, but this time with no ability to fap and get over it the desire just floats around, and I sit there fantasizing all day long. It's like an obsession. I've even gone back to watching gay porn (no fapping though).

    Here's the thing. I wouldn't be against experimenting with a guy. I've done it before, and it felt fine. Weirdly, I was not turned on at all by it, which I thought might stop the fantasies. But I end up spending all this time on (sigh) grindr and other apps looking for a dude to bang. Hours of my free time, wasted on a pointless sexual obsession.

    I don't ever plan to date a guy (I'm certain I could never develop romantic feelings for a man), so it's just a way to get off.

    Should I ignore it? I think that's what I should do. It's not healthy to spend hours attending to my sexual desires. What do you think?
     
    acosme and Alisa like this.
  2. EffingA

    EffingA Fapstronaut

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    Just to be clear:

    I DON'T have any issues/confusion/problems with my sexuality. The problem is how I'm acting on my desires and how it's undermining my PMO-free goals. I'm trying to become independent of my sexual desires, but I'm more of a slave to them than before.
     
  3. Mateo89

    Mateo89 Fapstronaut

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    Effing a
    It's very common for rebooters to experience strange homosexual urges. It's basically your brain over compensating for the lack of pornogeaphic stimuli. You are probably not gay but seeing a mans penis sparks a trigger in your brain as pleasure. From watching dicks all day in porn you've habituated your brain to associate it with pleasure.

    3 months is nothing ur still very much rewiring. Keep at it 6 months min. Then reassess.

    Best
    Mateo
     
    King.Ben17 and acosme like this.
  4. Christopher123

    Christopher123 Fapstronaut

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    I feel the same way but I haven't experimented
     
  5. I would cut out all porn, dating apps, personal ads, anything remotely similar.

    I had an 87-day streak which did me a lot of good but I "peeked" at things during it. And chat rooms are a problem for me.

    After relapsing several times I got angry and decided I can't look at any of that crap any more. Zero tolerance. Even seemingly innocent stuff like a depression chat room I used to sometimes use - I won't use that again.
     
  6. diddykong

    diddykong Fapstronaut

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    Personally, I really wouldn't say that you've quit PMO if you're watching gay porn. It's up to you but by your own admission you've "quit PMO" but you've "gone back to gay porn" which doesn't make any sense to me.

    You've wired your sexual pathways to gay porn. Even though it's not porn, you are using dating apps as a porn substitute which keeps those neural pathways alive. When you watch porn, your brain thinks that you're going to have sex. Your brain thinks the same if you're looking at a provocative picture on a dating app/Facebook etc. Using dating apps, watching porn, it all does the same things to your brain and your brain keeps craving dopamine.

    The only way you can get through this is to completely cut them out - stop using dating apps, cut the fantasies off and please stop using gay porn. If this is all porn induced then cutting out all things that activate your porn pathways will eventually extinct them and you'll know what your underlying natural desires are then.
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2017
    acosme likes this.
  7. Ericinomaha

    Ericinomaha Fapstronaut

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    I found that I needed more and more perversion to get off. I went from using naked girls to sex to all types, gay porn included. I'm hoping that by quitting porn, the need for fetish stuff will pass.
     
  8. TheLoneDanger

    TheLoneDanger Fapstronaut

    I'll just echo what others have said. You can't get rid of the extreme porn tastes until you stop watching porn altogether. Watching but not fapping is just as bad because it keeps the dopamine levels up and the neural pathways strong. Even fantasizing will keep those pathways receptive to gay sex as a preference. It's not easy by any means. But you need to stay away from all of it if you want your brain to enjoy your natural sexuality again.
     
  9. user---21

    user---21 Fapstronaut

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    Picture this.
    When you were 10-14 years old, did you watch porn?
    Yes, ok, then rewind further till you reach a point where you were younger and you did not watch porn.
    Now, back then, were you carefree, playing games, enjoying learning, developing hobbies/your passions - in short, living life to the fullest? Chances are, yes.

    Now, envision that child within you. Yes, you have an adult body, an adult life and mature responsibilities but at its core you are the same kid who loves living and exploring :)

    So you see - sex goes out of the picture. Gay porn/whatever porn, it goes totally out of the window.
    So relax, don't be so hard on yourself. Let the urges pass.
    And it's okay if you feel something about them but at the end of the day, honor that kid inside you and not the genitals in your mind.
    Replace the bad with the good and just forgive and forget the past. Your past won't define you, your thoughts (negative ones) won't define you.

    Only you can define yourself and your positive thoughts, the ones that make you warm, tingly on the inside and the ones that make you take action and give a pat on the back when you succeed and a double pat of encouragement when you fail, fail, fail and try again and get there - those are what counts the most.
    Embrace failure, embrace your imperfections, embrace your design as a human. Work with it. And appreciate your unique traits and what you can do. Don't belittle yourself and never compare. Everyone's different.
    Just relax and move on with your life. Keep doing the things you love and keep moving forward.You'll feel super happy about it :)


    And remember, your problems are your blessings. Appreciate them. Really, your problem led you to NoFap. So just smile when the urges come and feel happy because deep down, you are receiving encouragement. :)
     
  10. EffingA

    EffingA Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys, thanks a million for the advice/reassurances.

    You're right. Just cutting out MO isn't enough. I gotta totally kill the P. I won't consider this a relapse, as it's really the fapping that I'm counting, but it's true that P is still screwing with my reward pathways.

    I've taken the advice and I've stopped even the p-subs (for the past few days, so far). I feel pretty good about it.

    I made a decision to not get discouraged about it, and see the slip as part of the process or recovery. I had a moment where I almost thought "fuck, I keep fucking up, and I'm gonna do it again," but I very quickly said to myself "No, fuck that, man. This could be the last time. And if it's not, you'll try again." I sincerely think I've learned from it.
     
  11. EffingA

    EffingA Fapstronaut

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    That's great practical advice, m_brando. I think I may start meditating and really trying to do that self-analysis you describe.
     
  12. jest

    jest Fapstronaut

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    Haha wow these are some really wise words and a total eye opener. EffingA you should listen to this guy, you know very well PMO ruins you otherwise you wouldn't be here! Do what makes the most sense to you and cut off all bad habits, don't waste time circling around the issues, face them head on.
     
  13. Alisa

    Alisa Fapstronaut

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    What you have described is the typical escalation that occurs with addiction. The person keeps pushing the envelope to get that familiar high, only to find that they have become desensitized. And the very thing that gave them such an amazing high just days ago, has already started to lose its effectiveness.

    It's a pattern. You push the envelope. Become desensitized. Push the envelop. Become desensitized. And, so on, until you find that you no longer recognize yourself.

    And pushing the envelope plays out differently for each person, because each person has their own personal limits. So, the important thing (in some regard) is not the details of the addictive behavior. What is important is that you realize that you are addicted. When you acknowledge addiction, you can make choices about how to change your behavior. But notice that I did not say to "judge yourself." The very last thing you want to do is judge yourself.

    But, you DO want to acknowledge your addiction, and get to the bottom of what is driving it. Because porn addiction normally starts so early in life, long before the individual has developed emotional maturity, it can be difficult to get a handle on what is wrong, what is missing, what you're running from, etc.

    I'm new to this site, but the guys here are fantastic. If you pay attention to the responses, I'm sure you will find a light at the end of the tunnel.

    Best of luck to you.
     
    shdwbxr and vibemaker like this.
  14. Kristen

    Kristen Guest

    Was that blah therapy? That depression chat room
     
  15. Not entirely sure what blah therapy is, but not really. It was a moderated chat room. The moderators would steer the chat towards depression-related things. You could private message people. Nothing too out of the ordinary really.
     
  16. Kristen

    Kristen Guest

    Oh ok.
    Ya those private messages are not so good for addicts I think.
    Least not for me
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  17. EffingA

    EffingA Fapstronaut

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    Well, several months later, had the exact same problem again. Still did nothing extreme, but it's annoying that this keeps becoming an issue for me.

    It's strange how I'll be sexually dormant for weeks (like feeling no desire, virtually no response to sexual imagery, etc), and then suddenly get horny as hell out of nowhere and start chasing this desire.

    The thing I have to remind myself is this: My life goal is to marry a woman, have a family, have loving sex often to occasionally and not feel like I NEED it all the time. Finding a dude online is really no different than jerking off. It gets me nowhere near that goal, and it satisfies a temporary sexual urge.

    Any tips for what to do when I get this horny? I've hold a cold shower will do it, but that sounds horribly unpleasant.
     
  18. Fap_Doc

    Fap_Doc Guest

    Yeaah. You're not gay at all.
     
  19. EffingA

    EffingA Fapstronaut

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    As unhelpful as that response is, it doesn't bother me in the least. All my life I've developed passionate, affectionate, romantic and sexual attractions to girls. The homosexual fantasies are purely sexual, and mostly stem from the fact that I know sex with men is easily attainable, and sex with women is not.

    I'm not interested in worrying if I'm "gay" or not. Bisexual tendencies? Sure, if you insist. But I am very confident in my sexuality.
     
  20. Fap_Doc

    Fap_Doc Guest

    That last part is the first sincere thing you said and perhaps you should begin there. Gay, Bi, straight, makes absolutely no difference to me. But this whole thread would be rendered redundant had you embraced who/what you are from the beginning instead of calling it "a pointless obsession". Identify what you are. Move on with your life. [end]
     

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