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I need answers!

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by djdcgc4, May 4, 2019.

  1. djdcgc4

    djdcgc4 Fapstronaut

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    I am trying to find some answers from the PA side. I’m an SO who recently discovers this was the barrier in our relationship. I understand 100% that his addiction has nothing to do with me as it started 10+ years before we met.

    We are working hard to talk through how to make changes on both ends to meet each others needs and expectations and it really is going well. We are taking things slow with communication so neither of us feels overwhelmed but I have so many questions!

    I know this man will be my husband someday and I want create a safety net for him and try to help him overcome the guilt and any other negative feelings he is harboring. Please if any of you have insight I would love to hear your responses to my questions below.

    1) How much of PA is related to self insecurities?

    2) Is the guilt and shame so Many of you speak of related to neglecting your SO due to the addiction?

    3) Do any of you struggle with huge fear that without the porn you might cheat?

    4) Do you have fear or crave acting out in real life some of the darker more satiates porn out there?

    5) have any of you tried to share fantasy with your partner to help meet your needs without turning to porn? Are you afraid of being judged? Or making your partner whom you love feel inadequate?

    6) What could you SO say or do to help you in moving past shame and guilt.

    7) If your SO asked questions and wanted to talk about it everyday would that cause more anxiety that the more SO finds out the bigger risk of loosing them?

    I have not asked him to abstain from porn usage. Instead I am trying to focus on healing the guilt and shame he is feeling, I’m trying to gain understanding of the level of this addiction and navigate what parts are normal sexual behavior that’s suppressed and what’s not acceptable, and working hard to help teach him that as a partner you can express needs and desires openly even if it’s something that’s not acceptable then you can take it off the table and continue learning?

    I appreciate any and all insight from those of you battling that truly love your partners.

    Thanks!
     
    Nugget9 likes this.
  2. It is really nice to see you there. A strong support from SO can give really impressive effects.

    Sometimes porn is a way to copying with emotions and internal problems, including self insecurities. I don't know how much self insecurities are related to your SO addiction, but I am pretty sure that if he have been using PMO for years, then he need to learn new ways to deal with emotions.

    Yes. You can encounter also fear of not being understood and being afraid that SO starts to see you differently or even break up.

    I don't think so. On the other hand, a llot of people are afraid that porn habit can led them to cheating.

    Sorry. I don't really understand the question. Could you rephrase it for me, please?


    Sometimes porn induces weird fantasies, because of the novelty seeking. Usually it is not a good idea to try scenes and fetishes from porn at home. Some people likes also aggresive, brutal porn and they are not able to treat their beloved ones in such way.

    Be with him, talk about daily struggles and so on. Make him sure that you accept him fully and avoid asking about past, but always listen when he want to talk about it.

    Yes. You should not make porn addiction the main subject of your conversations. Addicts usually need to have life, spend time in other way and so on.[/QUOTE]
     
  3. djdcgc4

    djdcgc4 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you very much this helpful! I haven’t at this point pointed out that his confessed “ struggle with porn” is addiction. I haven’t focused on that piece at all. I’m strictly focusing on our lack of intimacy and how to fix it because he is not aroused with out the porn. Our talks have how to bring natural arousal and gratification in real life. So I talk to him about it everyday. How he is feeling about our discussions, how he is relating, and I keep the questions simple about what I can do to help. I was hoping talking about it and keeping focus to improve that area everyday and him being able to see Love and acceptance over and over again will help in the long run.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.

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