This is an odd story, but man, I don't even know how to start off something like this. It's moments like these that make me realise just how unaware and poor of a person I've become because of porn. This is a very sensitive topic, that even within the realm of NoFap, is something I assume is extreme and understandably looked down upon. I suppose you can all suspect what It is, but I'm not opposed to people thinking ill of me because of It. I'm not trying to justify what I've possibly done, nor am I trying to blame anyone for my actions (I'm entirely responsible). If I get hate for this, so be it. Actions have consequences and I accept that. It's been over a month now of me having on and off relapses, and the main thing that triggered my urges has been a lifestyle led by killing time on the day to day opposed to finding meaningful tasks to do and sticking by them. Being in bed would then trigger the urges as my mind would ruminate on sexual fantasies. Before I knew It, I would reset the timer on my phone, go through the cycle of realisation, depression, acceptance and motivation then repeat it a few hours or days later. That same situation played out just almost an hour ago, and instead of going to any Porn site, I searched up the material I was fantasising over on reddit. It should have been obvious, but after relapsing, It slowly dawned on me that I might have visited a subreddit that was run without moderating and might have showcased illegal content. The thought of this is slowly overriding my mind and so I did something that is rather unconventional and went back to look at the user to confirm the persons age - they were over their 30's. But If you've likely used reddit, the content is arranged in a tabular format and so I wasn't only looking at a single picture, but over multiple. Trying to look at every image and confirm the user risks me coming across content that Is indeed illegal. Even without being certain, the uncertainty has me anxious and I really don't know what to think of myself. I've had relapses before, but I don't think I've ever felt this way about my progress and It's rather evident that I need more help now than ever before. Around January I had unwavering confidence in myself and held myself to such a standard until last month. Now, I really don't know what to think of my discipline or control. Sobriety doesn't seem impossible, but far greater than before, the fantasies and urges feel heightened, even though I know how depressing and underwhelming a relapse is. The fantasy always plays out In a far better way In my mind, but even that knowledge still has me ending up in a place like this. Admittedly, I've always thought that It would be remarkably difficult for me to click my way into something like this, but hopefully this can serve as a cautionary tale for some.