I lost myself and my virginity to an escort experience, now my heart is broken

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Sabishii, Jul 22, 2018.

  1. Sabishii

    Sabishii Fapstronaut

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    Hi NoFap community,

    to start things up: This is my first post in this forum. Also, I'm not a native english speaker, so please excuse grammar errors that could follow.

    I'm 27 years old and until last monday, I was a virgin. I'm at the end of studying, I just completed my master thesis a few weeks ago. Though, this might sound like a great achievement, behind the curtain I'm a broken, lonely, shy and depressed human being.
    Til today I'm living home with my parents, while my two younger siblings went outside already. I have literally no single friend in my life, over the past years I retired completely from any social life or activities. Why? Well, to make it short: In the past I was a victim of mobbing, social isolation and rejection several times. In school, in my football team, even while studying. Also, there never was any kind of relationship with or even interest of a woman. Until last monday, I've never been kissing or embrace a woman in an intimate fashion.

    Over the years the pressure and desperation has strengthened. My siblings had/have partners, all of my family members are in relationships except for me. And as I'm sure many other virgins in this forum will agree, there is an ever growing pressure the older you get to finally experience (sexual) love. To make things worse, we're living in a time of instant gratification, accessibilty and active/passive consumption of media in our everyday's life. So, of course, during the past years and due to my social isolation I PMO'ed. During the past months I somehow got hooked to the world and possibilites of escort services. I started to weigh the potential of doing it, because in my head there were quite a few arguments for "now or never":

    - I had an road accident a year ago. I wasn't guilty, but my face was distorted (open top lip, two knocked out incisors, broken nose, several cuts) and you can still see scars from it til this day. Even today I have to go to doctors for threatment. The thing is, I've got quite a bit of money compensation out of it. To be specific, I would have around 1.000,- left on my account for free charge. More than I ever had before (keep in mind I'm just a student).
    - My parents would be on holidays for one week, so they wouldn't notice it. Even my siblings wouldn't be at home during this week. I would be on my own, in privacy.
    - I've already been in therapy. Mainly due to panic attacks, depression and anxiety that build up during the years of studying. But I talked with my therapist about my plan to visit an escort before. And he actually said that it might be a good idea to break my social isolation, to be courageous to myself.
    - And finally, oh boy, the imagination of finally experience the close proximity of a woman was so appealing to me. I sincerely thought it could help me to regain a bit of self-esteem, to prove myself of the ability to "do things" and to drain all the pressure I build up upon all these years.

    I didn't want to go to a brothel or a "cheap" prostitute. I wanted to meet a woman who does it voluntarily, takes her time for me and delivers a more intimate and intelligent experience. Here in Germany, this kind of service costs quite a bit of money. And due to my personal preferences I chose a high-class escort service. And for three hours, travel costs and the hotel I paid around 1.000,-.

    So, to cut to the chase: Was it worth it?

    I loved every second of the time I had with the woman. She was utterly beautiful. Her body, her face, her lips, her brown and smooth skin. Just perfection. It was like a living dream I could explore and sink in. We kissed, hugged, stroked. We had (safer) sex, she worked on my little friend as well, but I couldn't finish it at the very end. We were laying in bed, just touching each other and talking.

    But: Right after she left I felt strange. Not happy, not facilitated. More like inner sadness. First I thought that my body and brain simply are overwhelmed by the impressions I just experienced.
    But the next day I completely collapsed in utter tears and I couldn't explain it. I hadn't cry this much for years. I screamed in desperation and in pain. This inner pain may possibly be the most painful one I've ever experienced. I was and I'm still broken and empty inside.
    Of course, I had the feeling of lovesickness in the past. And right now, I suffer from all symptons regarding lovesickness (appetiteless, confused, anxiety, panic). But in those cases I never got the so much wanted love in the first place. So it was more disappointment than pure sadness. This time, though, I had for a glimpse of time everything I've ever wanted. And yes, I "know" that escort is a business, that those women are experts in building up an illusion, that I basically just bought intimacy for money. But right now, my rational mind has no power over my feelings and emotions.

    After years of loneliness and depression, it's like holding felicity in your hands for a short amount of time. And against my hope to take a bit of this felicity out of the experience, it got wrested from me again.
    I'm feeling worse than before. Not because I'm regretting the moments I had with the escort woman. It's the exact opposite: It was so wonderful, because I felt so secure, free and loved, that I cannot accept the fact that it's gone again. My heart is broken to be lonely again. Every part of my body wants to get back to this woman. The woman, who would cost another 1.000,-, the woman, who is just an illusion, but has become the personification of all of my inner needs.

    Right now I'm sitting here, alone at home, and don't know what to do. I'm feeling addicted to this specific escort woman and I'm in fear of losing control over it by asking to meet her again. At the same time I'm kind of love sick, I guess, by not being able to accept the fact, that she and the living dream I had with her is gone for now. And on top of all that this downward spiral feeds my low self-esteem and depression thoughts. Yes, there have been thoughts about suicide over the past few days. My inner conflict is destroying me.
    And the worst is yet to come: Today, my parents are finally coming back home. I don't know how to explain them anything. Or if I even should. What's your take on this?

    So, again: Was it worth it? Anyways, thanks for reading.
     
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2018
  2. Roady

    Roady Fapstronaut

    Hi @Sabishii
    First I want you to welcome here on the forums.
    It's amazing brave that you share your story. I know how difficult that can be.
    I feel really sorry for the bad experience you have with that escort girl, and feel sorry for your overall situation.
    It's sad that you have learned the lesson that real love and intimicy aren't based on money but on trust and free choice.

    I don't think it was worth it the money, if I am honest.
    You have created another addicting factor to your life, and I don't think that's wise to do.
    We want to get rid of our addiction instead.

    I think you have hit rock bottom in a certain way.
    I think it's really time to sit down and think what you really need.
    I think it's time to get some serious help in your life. Isn't the help of your therapist helping you much?

    I really hope that your subscription to nofap will be a great help for you.
    There is a lot to read and learn, if you want you can start your own personal thread (your journal) to write of your chest.
    Other people can encourage you and help you, but you have to do the work.

    Addiction is a tough thing, and actually we have to deal with underlaying issues.
    May God help you in your life!
     
  3. AngelofDarkness

    AngelofDarkness Fapstronaut

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    I'm not sure why, but I think you are confusing physical intimacy with emotional, romantic intimacy. Maybe it's because of your long-running social isolation, that makes you both physically and emotionally isolated from people, so you somehow want to feel close to someone even if it's just physical. But you should try to rationalize that you had a temporary physical relationship with another woman based on your sexual attraction and need for sexual release. It's like porn just that you got to touch and physically interact with the woman you sexually desire. But I doubt that you talked about deep, personal things with each other and built some kind of personal connection and sympathy for each other. Just try to ask yourself, why do you care and think so much about a woman that only gave you her body, not her heart and trust? Maybe you really feel like it fills in the physical void of your social isolation, but again, you should try to rationalize (and I'm sure that's easier said than done) that a relationship only based on sex is meaningless if you don't care for the person behind the body and vice versa. Maybe you could explore these issues with your therapist, I'm sure he could help you. I wish you all the best, please remember that there is always hope.
     
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  4. Sabishii

    Sabishii Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your replies.

    It's not really the experience with the escort itself, which bothers me, because as I wrote I absolutely loved every second with her together. It's the experience I'm going through afterwards and with my inner self, which is unbereable. Because the experience with the escort was so great, I'm in a miserable situation now. As you rightfully say, it feels like an addiction. It's not about to have sex in the first place, but to gain back the warmth, freedom and intimacy I'm missing in my everyday life. So...

    ...you may have a point here, definitely. I'm not sure about it either. Maybe it's a mix of both? The enjoyment of physical intimacy because of the long years of being a virgin and the immense sexual attraction the specific escort woman represented. And the emotional intimacy due to my social isolation, bad experiences in the past and general loneliness, which cumulates in a desire for personal proximity, comfort and safety. By the way, I didn't PMO after the escort experience and I still don't have any motivation or pressure to do it. Similar to my current lack of appetite my body/brain just doesn't have the motivation to "do" it. I'm in complete paralysis, as my body/brain cannot work any longer until the drug of intimacy is gained back.

    So, despite of her being an escort and despite of having only random smalltalk with her (I guess, as I'm completely unexperienced in this kind of interaction and cannot really see the line between blatant smalltalk and deeper talk: I provided her quite a bit about myself, she in return only talked about what she's studying and even about other of her clients and her principles as an escort), she gave me "more" than anybody else in my life (family excluded).

    And yes, I should rationalize. My rational mind is constantly trying to resist the addictive thoughts about the woman and the painful inner reactions/symptoms my body is signalising to get back to her and the experience I had on monday. That's the inner conflict I'm struggling with, in a way I cannot hide it from others. In a few hours my parents are back and I'm getting anxious about how to raise a facade around my situation.
     
  5. AngelofDarkness

    AngelofDarkness Fapstronaut

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    I think I can understand that. I'm not a psychotherapist, but I would recommend that you try to start finding value in (real) emotional intimacy first, by getting to know people based on shared interests, shared hobbies, shared humor, shared opinions etc. Maybe then it will be easier for you to understand that physical intimacy might feel nice for the moment, but it's without any deeper meaning if you don't care for the person behind the body.

    As for your parents, I'm not sure what kind of relationship you have with them. I'm sure they are aware of your problems, at least on the surface. I think if you feel like you want to and are able to share such intimate feelings and experiences, then you should be open with them. If you feel more comfortable keeping it to yourself and dealing with it on your own terms, then you should do that too.
     
  6. I’ve thought about escorts and prostitutes myself but reading true life accounts like this one discourages me from doing it.

    I’m a loser that’s been living more and more like a hermit but I am starting to work on reversing that.

    I’ve been reading and watching videos and there are two themes that always come up:

    1. Have to get out and meet people if you’re ever going to meet a woman that wants to be with you.

    2. We WILL have a LOT of rejection before metting a woman that’s interested. So we need to toughen up and not let rejection knock us out of the search.

    Yesterday I went to a wall climbing class for the first time ever. Met a woman there in the class and tried to start a conversation. I failed to get past the small talk and afterwards thought of a lot better questions I could have asked. But clearly this woman was not interested in me.

    Before I would have let that get me down and I wouldn’t try again for a very long time. But now I’m feeling like trying another class for some other activity and try to meet other women.

    So what I’m saying is get out and do something you enjoy that will have women around. Have to start somewhere. You will have dozens of rejections before you meet someone but you’ll never meet anyone if you don’t try.

    And don’t let your physical appearance stop you. Reality is you might have more rejection but you just need to get out and keep trying.
     
  7. Abysmal habit

    Abysmal habit Fapstronaut

    The feelings you expressed touched me deeply , i definitely can relate to it ; It always happened after i masturbated , i would go on and day dream about having relationships with those women and just keep on dreaming sometimes for hours , And only after i hit rock-bottom with my addiction did i realize it was time to change . And i believe you should recognize that and fight tooth and nail to get out of it , as for the physical appearance aspect do not let it discourage you , I can tell you by experience that the aura that you project Has a tyrannical effect on people , your physical appearance plays only a small part of it! I would suggest that you isolate yourself for a week with some self-improvement books and no internet connection , And about your parents if you want to tell them it could be good ; But it is not necessary you can Fight and struggle and let them see the result of your blossoming , Go on and fight brother YOU, CAN, DO, IT!
     
  8. Jason_Tesla_19

    Jason_Tesla_19 Fapstronaut

    You might want to take a period of hard mode, and process with your therapist. Gain some self-confidence from exercising self-control, and then try to go out and meet real people and build friendships.
     
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  9. Sabishii

    Sabishii Fapstronaut

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    To give you all a short update: Within minutes they've recognized the fact, that there's something wrong with me. During the evening I could roughly explain them how I feel and that I'm struggling with immense inner conflicts, but I couldn't overcome my shame and emotional risk to explain them why. They somehow know it's about lovesickness and loneliness, but they don't know the whole story. They're respecting my condition right now, but I'm feeling observed and guilty.

    At the same time, though, and even with my parents at home, my body/brain is still overwhelming me with the addicitve and vital feeling of getting back the escort woman. It's like I became addictive to drugs immediately after my first taste. It's like my body shifts into survival mode, fading everything other than the vital need of everything the escort woman personificates (intimacy, love, sex, attraction, safety) in the background.

    Thanks, buddy. I guess it's somehow positive, that I'm realizing my desperation und addiction already. Like, right after my first escort experience. And maybe it's helpful for others out there with similar feelings to know, that as a virgin living in social isolation and with depression, meeting an escort can be a sensational living dream, but in such a addictive and way too positive way, that you're feeling even worse in the long run, when getting back into your so much hated und lonely real life. In my case, it's a mix of lovesickness, sex/love addiction and utter sadness of having lost something so special and fulfilling after holding it in my hands, even if only for a short period of time and beneath the illusion of money.

    Well, that's the way to go, sure. Though, my current therapy is about to end. Either way, change in my life is coming, because of the fact I'm done with studying and the inevitable path of autonomy (finding a job, leaving home, ...) is ahead of me. Either, considering my current circumstances, I don't know how to walk this path nor how to find any motivation to do it and how to fight the resistance of my body/brain, that now has embraced me because of the escort experience.
     
  10. DorkBird

    DorkBird Fapstronaut

    Thank you for sharing your experience. It almost seems as if the escort is the PMO experience personified. All of the feelings of awfulness, resembles what I feel after I relapse, only much more intense.

    I think one thing to be wary of is the value that society places on sexuality and losing virginity. I think this is part of a larger societal addiction that really only came into full force in the last 30-40 years. I think part of breaking the addiction is breaking our hard wired attitude that even an iota of our self worth is dependent on our sexuality.

    I was thinking the other day, that imagine if Genghis Khan were celibate? This really crazy violent guy who for some reason were to be celibate. I think I would have more respect for such a person because in spite of being able to get any woman he wants, he rejected it for something higher, and that requires immense degree of self control. Of course, the opposite was true for him, but I think that hypothetical question was interesting to think about
     
  11. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

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    Did you fall in love with the escort?
     
  12. jukebbox

    jukebbox Fapstronaut

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    Dude i use to name these very symptoms that you described as female presence. For guys like us (PMOers addicts) something that is utterly natural like love, sex and relationships for most people costs blood and tears to us. By never or hard having intimacy moments with a woman the few times that we experience this we tend to get attached to those wonderful moments and then we become vulnerable. That is the main reason for the so called friend zone. I lost my virginity with a prostitute too and most of my sexual experiences i have had with escorts. The real girls which i shared intimacy moments never progressed to real love and that kills me too. It is not the way that i wanted, i mean buying momentaneous love but at least for me it is better than struggling without a woman and being on massive porn and masturbation.
     
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  13. Jason_Tesla_19

    Jason_Tesla_19 Fapstronaut

    I don't really like the term "fall in love". You don't fall into real deep lasting love. You fall into lust or infatuation. OP may well be infatuated with the escort.
     
  14. Sharksvv

    Sharksvv Fapstronaut

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    The reason you collapsed in tears and couldn't explain it because you imagined it being different, you imagined losing it to a woman who actually loved you back..which that woman did not. You say you felt loved but you’re right about it just being an illusion.

    It’s okay and normal that you felt that. I’m currently full healed but at my worst points I would see escorts for sex (often unsuccessful) and fetish related things. It would feel amazing during it all but once I walked out that door it was very much a walk of shame and regret.

    But just because you lost your virginity to an escort it doesn’t mean you still can’t experience sex for the first time with someone who you love and who loves you back. I know this because it’s my story. So what you had meaningless sex with an escort, that moment of real loving sex and general intimacy is still in your future.

    Don’t waste another 1,000 on this woman again you’ll only end up feeling the same thing but worse when you walk out that door again.
     
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2018
  15. Sabishii

    Sabishii Fapstronaut

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    Today, after a stressful night full of thoughts about the escort woman, I had my first kind of "relapse". No chaser effect or PMO. Instead, I wrote a new message to the escort agency, asking if there would be the possibility of meeting the woman again. For now, just theoretically, without any agreement or specific date.
    I'm feeling great and horrible about this action at the same time. Great, because it's soothing my body/brain in relation to the addictive feelings and because it's somehow building up a construct of hope, that there "could" be another night with the woman in the future - theoretically. Horrible, because I'm obviously going into the wrong direction with this action and my rational mind is trying to warn me.

    Later today I got a response from the agency, telling me, that the woman would be glad and happy to see me again, that she enjoyed her time with me and that she sends greetings to me. Again, I'm struggling. My rational mind is aware of the fact, that this kind of response is calculated to get me back in and to make me a profitable costumer. But at the same time, I'm feeling irrational excitement and desire to just do it again, despite all the problems that would come with it (financial problems, organizing everything, create excuses and lies in front of my parents - and, of course, addiction and despair).

    Right now, I'm in fear of myself. Inside my head, I'm starting to create plans and financial solutions, again. "Thanks" to my accident I've written about in the OP, I'm about to get at least another 1.000,- from the opposing insurance in the upcoming weeks. That's fresh money coming out of nowhere, and it makes the current thought of visiting her again so damn attractive. It's bait.

    Yes, infatuation, as I understand it, comes closer to my current condition. As I've tried to explain, I was enthralled by her, she personificated the intimacy, warmth and safety I desired. Though, I won't deny lust, which is definetely involved and hard to ignore due to her physical attraction being a high class escort model.

    I've found this quote online: "Love is being in love with a person. Infatuation is being in love with love." I guess, I'm more addicted to her illusion of love she's giving/offering me rather than to her as a person (though, her physical and intellectual attraction has a point here, too).
     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2018
  16. Abysmal habit

    Abysmal habit Fapstronaut

    Quick fix , The moment you get the money , Don't think much ! Directly go to someone you trust ( Preferably your parents and Tell them to keep them away from you for a X time) Let's say 2 Months and to not give it back no matter what until the time limit is off , Keep some money just to survive but not enough to get the escort, By the time the 2 months pass I have a feeling that you'll have somehow taken control of your urges ! Best Of Luck !
     
  17. I have a suggestion. Think about the number of times she’s contacted you to sincerely check on your welfare since you last saw her? And if she did contact you was it more than as a customer?

    She doesn’t care about you apart from the money.

    And I know this next thing is harsh but if you were to die today she would not care at all. She wouldn’t shed a tear.

    I write these things in hopes of shaking you out of the illusion of intimacy with this woman. She’s playing a game to get money out of you.

    Once again I’m not saying this in judgement. Prostitutes are women I’m tempted to use and it’s only the fear of consequences that keeps me from doing it.

    I’m the biggest loser on the planet, I’ll most likely never have a girlfriend, and I still have sexual urges like anyone else. But I think I’m still viewing prostitution in it’s correct light: A path that leads to nowhere except pain and sorrow.

    So please write out a prevention game plan before you get that money and stick to it.

    I’m writing this because I’m rooting for you as a brother who has the same temptations.
     
  18. Sabishii

    Sabishii Fapstronaut

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    Problem is, that in this case I would need to tell my parents, why I want to get the money taken away from me. I couldn't tell and confess them the whole story when they were coming back from holidays, and I still don't think I can. I get your point of keeping myself away from potential money sources, though.

    I've never had any contact with the woman outside of our first meeting. So, neither did she contacted me personally nor could I, because I don't have any of her personal contact information (and I didn't ask for it during our meeting). The whole communication process towards and after a meeting is led by the agency the woman works for. This fact may increase my feelings of isolation and helplessness even further, as well as the desire to meet her again in person.

    And let me encourage you by noticing, that as a sincere person, who is acknowledging my problems and is trying to help me, you're anything but a loser. So, thanks for standing by, buddy.
     
  19. Alijay

    Alijay Fapstronaut

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    Dont do it. I have seen many escorts in recent years and it is a soul killer. PMO is even much better. Yes you can sleep with an attractive young woman but she doesnt give a damn about you. If she sees you walking on the street the next day, she wouldn't even recognize you. She just pretends to love you until the time is up.You will feel like you are living in the dark. You will feel lonley and worse of all, a no body.
    I didn't use escorts for more than 6 months but last night i was so close. I felt the darkness coming back and all the previous months progress almost gone. I PMOed instead to kill the pressure. You are strong and smart so you can do a better job and please dont make mistakes I made. God bless
     
  20. Sabishii

    Sabishii Fapstronaut

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    My heart and brain is constantly trying to trick me. You and others have written, that you have seen "many" escorts, not just one. As for me, who only have seen her once, I'm starting to think, that I just need "one more" meetup with her to become clear of my mind. So that I only need her presence "one last time", to finally be able to eliminate my irritations. And to speak of addictions, in my head there is still the irrational and absurd concept of falling in infatuation/love with each other. What if I would confess my feelings during a second meetup? Most likely she would reject me and this could help me to take one step back from her, despite the pain of rejection.

    I'm just writing down my thoughts to give you an idea, about how my lonely heart is working on me non stop. It's like a virus, that's trying to reprogram any of my rational mind and resistance. It's shaping every possibility and even arguments to lead me back to actually seeing the escort woman again.

    Also, I had another "relapse" last night. I did MO. I couldn't sleep due to the current heat wave and underwent the whole experience I had with the escort woman in my head.
    Today, I also stumbled over the movie "The Escort" (2015) on Youtube, which got me hooked immediately. Finished it and can say now: It's making things even worse, because in this movie
    the guy, who's a sex addict, and the escort woman are actually becoming a couple at the very end.

    Instead of walking into those traps, I should think about my personal future. I should start looking out for a job. I should go out, doing something. Anything. But I'm sitting here, lonely as ever, without any motivation, with my heart, body and brain being out of control.

    Fuck that.
     

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