Hi NoFap community, to start things up: This is my first post in this forum. Also, I'm not a native english speaker, so please excuse grammar errors that could follow. I'm 27 years old and until last monday, I was a virgin. I'm at the end of studying, I just completed my master thesis a few weeks ago. Though, this might sound like a great achievement, behind the curtain I'm a broken, lonely, shy and depressed human being. Til today I'm living home with my parents, while my two younger siblings went outside already. I have literally no single friend in my life, over the past years I retired completely from any social life or activities. Why? Well, to make it short: In the past I was a victim of mobbing, social isolation and rejection several times. In school, in my football team, even while studying. Also, there never was any kind of relationship with or even interest of a woman. Until last monday, I've never been kissing or embrace a woman in an intimate fashion. Over the years the pressure and desperation has strengthened. My siblings had/have partners, all of my family members are in relationships except for me. And as I'm sure many other virgins in this forum will agree, there is an ever growing pressure the older you get to finally experience (sexual) love. To make things worse, we're living in a time of instant gratification, accessibilty and active/passive consumption of media in our everyday's life. So, of course, during the past years and due to my social isolation I PMO'ed. During the past months I somehow got hooked to the world and possibilites of escort services. I started to weigh the potential of doing it, because in my head there were quite a few arguments for "now or never": - I had an road accident a year ago. I wasn't guilty, but my face was distorted (open top lip, two knocked out incisors, broken nose, several cuts) and you can still see scars from it til this day. Even today I have to go to doctors for threatment. The thing is, I've got quite a bit of money compensation out of it. To be specific, I would have around 1.000,- left on my account for free charge. More than I ever had before (keep in mind I'm just a student). - My parents would be on holidays for one week, so they wouldn't notice it. Even my siblings wouldn't be at home during this week. I would be on my own, in privacy. - I've already been in therapy. Mainly due to panic attacks, depression and anxiety that build up during the years of studying. But I talked with my therapist about my plan to visit an escort before. And he actually said that it might be a good idea to break my social isolation, to be courageous to myself. - And finally, oh boy, the imagination of finally experience the close proximity of a woman was so appealing to me. I sincerely thought it could help me to regain a bit of self-esteem, to prove myself of the ability to "do things" and to drain all the pressure I build up upon all these years. I didn't want to go to a brothel or a "cheap" prostitute. I wanted to meet a woman who does it voluntarily, takes her time for me and delivers a more intimate and intelligent experience. Here in Germany, this kind of service costs quite a bit of money. And due to my personal preferences I chose a high-class escort service. And for three hours, travel costs and the hotel I paid around 1.000,-. So, to cut to the chase: Was it worth it? I loved every second of the time I had with the woman. She was utterly beautiful. Her body, her face, her lips, her brown and smooth skin. Just perfection. It was like a living dream I could explore and sink in. We kissed, hugged, stroked. We had (safer) sex, she worked on my little friend as well, but I couldn't finish it at the very end. We were laying in bed, just touching each other and talking. But: Right after she left I felt strange. Not happy, not facilitated. More like inner sadness. First I thought that my body and brain simply are overwhelmed by the impressions I just experienced. But the next day I completely collapsed in utter tears and I couldn't explain it. I hadn't cry this much for years. I screamed in desperation and in pain. This inner pain may possibly be the most painful one I've ever experienced. I was and I'm still broken and empty inside. Of course, I had the feeling of lovesickness in the past. And right now, I suffer from all symptons regarding lovesickness (appetiteless, confused, anxiety, panic). But in those cases I never got the so much wanted love in the first place. So it was more disappointment than pure sadness. This time, though, I had for a glimpse of time everything I've ever wanted. And yes, I "know" that escort is a business, that those women are experts in building up an illusion, that I basically just bought intimacy for money. But right now, my rational mind has no power over my feelings and emotions. After years of loneliness and depression, it's like holding felicity in your hands for a short amount of time. And against my hope to take a bit of this felicity out of the experience, it got wrested from me again. I'm feeling worse than before. Not because I'm regretting the moments I had with the escort woman. It's the exact opposite: It was so wonderful, because I felt so secure, free and loved, that I cannot accept the fact that it's gone again. My heart is broken to be lonely again. Every part of my body wants to get back to this woman. The woman, who would cost another 1.000,-, the woman, who is just an illusion, but has become the personification of all of my inner needs. Right now I'm sitting here, alone at home, and don't know what to do. I'm feeling addicted to this specific escort woman and I'm in fear of losing control over it by asking to meet her again. At the same time I'm kind of love sick, I guess, by not being able to accept the fact, that she and the living dream I had with her is gone for now. And on top of all that this downward spiral feeds my low self-esteem and depression thoughts. Yes, there have been thoughts about suicide over the past few days. My inner conflict is destroying me. And the worst is yet to come: Today, my parents are finally coming back home. I don't know how to explain them anything. Or if I even should. What's your take on this? So, again: Was it worth it? Anyways, thanks for reading.