I LOST MY WAY

The last time I used NoFap was back in September. I had remarkable process. The process of recovery was tough since I had weekly relapses but it kept getting better. I couldn't gain the results I desired alone so I got help from my high school counselor and made her my accounting partner. We developed a system in which I would have to go to her office everyday and put a check mark on the calendar if I was did not PMO. In the first month of my recovery with her, I had only relapsed on the weekends because I was lonely and no one checked on me. Putting an X mark on the calendar made me feel ashamed. Shame is one way to control yourself. I would think about how she would look at me in disgust when I would be putting an X on the calendar. That shame put me in control. I was successful. I did not PMO for two months. Then came winter break. I did not PMO for three weeks and my family was at home but during the last three days, I was home alone. I broke my streak. After having a streak for two months, I thought I have the strength in me to fight my desires alone. I was wrong. Every since January, I have relapsed a countless times until it became a daily routine. I had stopped putting the effort to quit. I've had many ups and downs before but I never quit before. In the past 5 months, I have experienced what loneliness can do to you. Being lonely breaks you, shatters you to a million pieces. Porn is blocked in my country. No one is able to find a single porn website unless he uses VPN. I was able to find porn sites that are not blocked. Just imagine, when there is about 2% chance a website is not blocked, how is a person able to find 10 pornographic websites. This is what I did when I was lonely. I couldn't get myself to download VPN because that would be a guaranteed relapse so I just searched on google. Just searching and searching, I found these websites and by finding them, I found an excuse. I watched almost all porn videos on those websites. Since last month, in search of new fantasies, I downloaded VPN and allowed myself to have access to any porn website in the world. I have destroyed myself. Loneliness has destroyed me. I know that the NoFap community is always there and the members will always support each other. I am back and I need HELP. Let me feel like the king of the world again.

 

I tried my best to help myself recover. I became very determined to reboot again and be successful. On the last day of school before spring break. A girl came and sat next to me. I knew that I should have not flirted with her but I did it anyways because I'm a horny fucker. By her movements, it was clear that she was enjoying it. She asked me to come over to her place during the break. This got me to start thinking that she wanted me. Within two days of spring break I relapsed. I couldn't stop thinking of all the things I wanted to do to her because she said "come over." This was a big deal for me. I cannot break my virginity because of my own personal reasons but at the same time I have the desire to perform sexual acts. I couldn't stop thinking of all the fantasies that I was coming up with. There was too much built up excitement in me and so I started searching for that specific type of porn category and just watched everything I wanted to do and then I jerked off. I put myself in that kind of situation and it has led me back to where I started. After I PMO'd, I saw no limits and soon after that I had quit. Doing a hard reset is very tough and can almost seem impossible. Without help you cannot help yourself, I wasn't able to help myself. Find your partner, also use NoFap to your advantage and cure yourself of this filth that the world dumps on us.