I lost faith in myself

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Erick Pastora, Jul 14, 2018.

  1. Erick Pastora

    Erick Pastora Fapstronaut

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    I constantly try to give advice on this forums and they're almost every time advice I give myself.

    Tonight I decided to take action. Go to a bar and not drink alcohol, and being able to have a good time and talk to women without drinking. After an hour, I talked to a girl that was very cute. I kinda know what I did wrong but I was so happy to be able to talk to a girl being sober so I didn't care anymore about the outcome. But next one of my high school crushes entered the bar and she was there with a friend of mine. So this friend introduced me to her and we talked a little bit, but then she got into dancing and I was too scared to continue the conversation. I know what I have to do to continue getting good with women, but sometimes I just lose my faith. And this time it wasn't the universe that I blamed, I blamed myself and I feel just so bad that I know there could have been an opportunity and I didn't do anything about it.
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2018
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  2. WackinWolf

    WackinWolf Fapstronaut

    I realize that all the time too! It reminds me that the best way to learn is to teach and giving advice can be a very sobering experience, for all parties involved in the conversation. That is a big decision to go to a bar and not drink, I give you mad props for that! I also lose faith from time to time and I blame myself for how I talked or what I didn't say.
     
  3. tweeby

    tweeby Banned

    It happens bro, my heart always skips a beat when the girl who friend zoned me happens to be there.

    You would have to be a social robot to NOT get affected. I think that is what makes us human.

    In your head, you know you shouldn't put that girl on the pedestal, you know you should take action, you know you should just vibe with her and it will happen. But you can't.

    However, you could with some girl you don't care so much about. But the great thing is, like you said is there is thousands of girls out there.
     
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  4. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    You're able to teach and give advice to others because you're willing to fail and learn from those mistakes. You're able to do the scary, difficult, and uncertain things that you know you should be doing to become the person you want to be and to have the life that you want to have. You're willing to face pain, problems, and negative experiences to get to higher quality pleasure, solutions, and positive experiences.

    You can't become better if you're not solving problems like these. Let go of the belief that everything is supposed to happen the way you want it to. Let go of the belief that everything has to be perfect and smooth. Allow yourself to be non smooth, messy, awkward, unideal, and imperfect. Allow yourself to fail and embarrass yourself. I think this mindset will really help you.

    When someone decides that they want to develop their humor, they start out insecure and incompetent at it. They have to fail a lot. They have to do many attempts where they come off as sounding stupid and not funny at all. They embarrass themselves by trying something new, something that might not work, something outside of their comfort zone. The road to polishing their craft at humor is through the messy, awkward, and non smooth failures. That's why it takes repeated courage to gain competence. Eventually they're able to polish their humor to a point where they start seeing positive results. Repeated competence leads to confidence. That confidence allows them to try even more new things that might not work and are outside their comfort zone. Repeated confidence leads to even more courage.

    It's a process. A messy, painful, problematic, embarrassing, humbling, and non smooth process. The more you resist this process the slower you'll be and through less opportunities you'll get at reaching your destination.

    Personally, I place way more importance and value on that process than I do on outcomes. Positive and negative outcomes come and go, but that process of solving problems is what interests me. It leads me to the person that I want to become and the life that I want to live. It's where I get my fulfillment. Constant fulfillment. Even through the failure because it's what engages my mind, energy, and hopes. It's what inspires me and breathes life into me. It's what gives me enthusiasm.

    I don't make assumptions of whether an outcome will turn out good or not. I curiously see what I can get away with. I audaciously and gregariously reach beyond my current standing. I allow myself to be messy, awkward, and non smooth. I allow myself to fail and face negative experiences. Maybe one day I'll be good at it. Maybe not. It's something that might not work, but I'm interested in finding out.

    The process is supposed to be interesting, engaging, fulfilling, and fun. You have to be willing to laugh at yourself and at your failures. Too many people only look at the outcome. To seek completion. "If I had this or that, then I'll be happy and life will be good." That's a mindset that always leaves you living in a present reality that's insufficient, lacking, and miserable.

    Outcomes come and go. People come and go. Positive and negative experiences come and go. Pain and pleasure come and go. Problems and solutions come and go. You have to find a constant that grounds you no matter what happens. Place more importance on the present reality. More importance on the process. So choose a process / lifestyle / problem that you enjoy solving and experiencing (both negative and positive). Find a pain you're willing to sustain. Find something that gives you enthusiasm and allow yourself to fail at it repeatedly.

    If you're always seeking completion and looking towards specific outcomes, then you'll always be like a leaf in the wind. Your emotions and life will always be at the whim of random events. Rather than staying on your chosen path and process no matter what happens.

    If you don't have faith in yourself (competence and confidence), then have faith in the process (have courage to go through repeated incompetence and insecurity).

    ------------------

    It wasn't all on you. Conversations are a two way street. Why is it solely your fault that the conversation stopped? Did she support the conversation? Even if you didn't have anything to say, you could have danced with her.

    And who says that you have to succeed? That you have to have everything figured out? That you are supposed to be perfect and great at everything? That identity / expectation / story of how things are supposed to be is what's causing you to be overly cautious and excessively careful. Fear of doing or saying what you want.

    Socializing / getting better at something you're incompetent and insecure at / reaching beyond your current place / doing something that might not work / experiencing the positive and negative... this is all supposed to be fun. Living life is supposed to be fun and interesting. Life is an experimental playground for you to explore and try new things. Don't take it so seriously. If you can't have fun now, you never will.
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2018
  5. Erick Pastora

    Erick Pastora Fapstronaut

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    Look, I know everything you say it's true and that's why I stopped having big crushes on girls so I wouldn't have expectations that ended up in disappointments. I know I have to keep trying and I'm going to. It just hurt me a lot last night because when I saw her that little kid who fell in love with every girl woke up in me, I mean she just takes my breath away. I'll just take some time to feel sad because I can't neglect I am, and then I'll start throwing myself out there again. And maybe I even see her again.. But as you say I can't be depending on outcomes and expectations. Also, beyond that it was a pretty great night to just go out and have fun without drinking, I know a lot of people wouldn't even consider it so that makes me feel good.
     
    elevate likes this.
  6. tweeby

    tweeby Banned

    that's very true, i know if i saw my crush i would just hide in the toilets and pretend like i never saw her. well done
     
  7. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    Why is that though?

    Do you believe she's better than you or you're not good enough for her?

    Maybe you just aren't comfortable with rejection or making mistakes?

    Maybe it's because you don't think there's other women out there that can be just as awesome in a different way?

    You're deserving of any woman you want tweeby. Just do what you want. That's your only business. What other people do or don't do is their business. Give them the freedom to choose just as you have the freedom to choose. You don't need any pre-requisites in order to be good enough for other people. You're already there, enough, and complete as you are right now. Get comfortable with where you are and all the things you currently lack, but are working towards. Because it will always be like that. There will always be something else that you need to work on.

    You can't control how your journey lines up with another person's journey. Everyone is at different points in their life with different strengths / weaknesses, advantages / disadvantages, resources, circumstances, etc. All you can do is your best with what you currently have. So don't assume to know what will happen when you attempt to go after what you want. Whatever the outcome, it's nothing personal.

    You deserve whatever you want in life. It might not work out, but you owe it to yourself to try because you respect yourself.

    Before you try to give another person your love, respect, energy, and time. Give those things to yourself first. Treat yourself like you would treat someone you're interested in. You would want the best for your crush. So want the best for yourself first. What would be best for you is to get out of hiding in the bathroom and talk to that crush of yours.
     
  8. tweeby

    tweeby Banned

    ^^I agree with all the above but it is something about 'Your crush' that friendzoned you. She has like a special power, like you feel you're falling inside, you try to hold yourself together and save face, but logic just falls to your emotions.

    I mean if you can overcome that, fair play, I'm not sure if the crush in the OP's initial post even knew she was his crush or if he even asked her out and got rejected. I don't know, I find it difficult to separate emotions in such a charged situation.

    Of course, we KNOW what we should do, but following through takes a lot of work, but I am listening and taking notes, I want to get where you are.
     
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  9. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    I think everyone has been there.

    That special power only exists because you gave her that power.

    It's easy to get caught up in getting someone's approval, or getting them to "see" you as the person you really are. It's easy to take rejection personally as well. It's an ego thing.

    The result is fixating on that person or outcome, but at the cost of burning up your mental and emotional capital that could be used elsewhere or on other people.

    This is sometimes hard due to sentimentality and being emotionally vulnerable to someone. An emotionally charged part of yourself sees a beautiful outcome with you two coming together, but they may not be able to see that vision the way you do.

    Taking it personally when someone isn't seeing that vision burns your time, creeps them out, and everybody loses.

    Having this tunnel vision for one outcome or one person makes you very myopic. Myopic to the point where you're unable to see other opportunities and you're unable to allow other people into your life.

    If you constantly meet interesting and different women, you wouldn't get so caught up and overly investing in one person. Especially if they're not interested in exploring things further with you.

    It definitely takes work, but just keep these things in mind.
     
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  10. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    Consistently meeting new people allows you to diversify your emotional investment rather than putting all your eggs into one basket that could destroy you.

    Also diversifying your life outside of romantic interests, dating, and even relationships allows you to become more fulfilled and less likely to fall into being outcome attached as well.

    @oneaffidavit made this great post explaining why diversifying your life is important.
    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/why-diversifying-life-is-important.182694/
     
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  11. Erick Pastora

    Erick Pastora Fapstronaut

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    That, right there is why we give our power away. We feel like the girl needs to validate us and we give validation away to pretty women just because they're pretty. Sometimes you don't talk to your crushes because you have a fantasy in your mind and not only you're afraid of rejection, but you're afraid of the fantasy going away.
    We guys have a lot of pressure in our lives (girls too, just a different kind) and a lot of times we believe we don't deserve the hot girl, we think maybe we deserve the average girls beacuse you belive that you're average yourself.
    I heard a great advice some time ago, "if you want a 10, you have to be a 10". Not meaning that a 10 needs looks and money. We overestimate women standards. The only way you can be a 10 yourself is by loving yourself unconditionally. Girls don't want the perfect guy, the want the guy who's perfectly fine with himself.
     
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  12. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    That's how you set yourself apart. When you express yourself honestly, there's no competition. It doesn't matter where people place you on a 1-10 scale when you genuinely love who you are and you're just doing what you want. There's no placing yourself above or below anybody. There's no placing others above or below you. It's just you doing your thing on your own chosen path. It's up to others if they want to join you in the fun. You're just handing out the invitations because you're already complete and having fun on your own. You're filling your own cup and overflowing onto the cups of others.

    Every time I take a risk and face something scary, difficult, and uncertain, I reinforce my self worth. Do this enough times and you'll eventually see positive results that reinforce your faith in taking risks even more despite the possible negative experiences that could happen. Eventually you can develop reality to the point where a reality where you risk pain, problems, and negative experiences for the chance of pleasure, solutions, and positive experiences is way more fun and interesting than a fantasy world you've built for a crush.
     

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