I know my husband PMOd today

Hi. I'm sorry to hear that. I have some points for you. I'm not going to defend or justify anybody, right?

1) Don't take it personally. I understand how bad it feels when your loved one prefer porn over you, but its not his conscious choice. He's just adict - sick person who can't be without his dope. Its not about you at all. Im sure he loves you and he likes you more than porn - but he can't help himself not to fap.

2) Unfortunatelly there is no way to force him to stop, until he wants to do it himself. On contrary - the more you try to control him the more he'll stick to porn. I was exactly the same. I was looking forward to my gf leave the house and i can finally wank. I did it for whole weekends. It was crazy and disgusting and i feel really bad about it - but thats how this adiction works.

3) But good news. He can heal himself. I did and many many guys here too. But he need some space to realise he wants to do it. Not just for you, but for himself in the first place. But the decision must be his. There is no way you can change a person who doesn't want to.

4) Try to make him more open to you. If you'll listen to him and be supportive, he'll eventually talk to you and confess himself. If you'll punish him for PMO (no matter how) he wont stop doing this. He just starts to hide it even more. And you want him to be open to you. It's crucial.

I know its all his fault and its unfair to you. But if you want to make it work you have to help him to heal. He doesnt want to treat you badly (even if he does), he's just sick person.

Hope this helps. I wish you all the luck. Stay strong

 

I understand the anger, betrayal, and the frustration. Porn literally destroys relationships and love... You need to explain to him that what he is doing is ruining your relationship, and if he loves you he needs to work on his addiction and begin to give that sexual energy and affection to the person it belongs to(you). You have every right to be pissed off and view it as "gross" but cursing him over it will make things worse, he will simply get defensive and fight back. You have to explain to him that it's having a negative impact on you and the relationship as a whole. This is such a terrible thing and I hate to see it... GFs and wives feeling inadequate, not attractive enough, and dead inside because their partner chooses porn over them. Sorry to hear this... I wish you the best of luck.

 

Love your post, dude.

 

I've always wondered about this. Is it that boys have it harder with respect to urges or do we have more tolerance to the sexual urges as females?
I'd like to know please

 

Untrue. For most men, no matter how safe of an environment you continue to provide, they will still lie. It's the nature of the addiction. It's the shame, the fear of repercussions, and the unwillingness to let go of the pleasure all wrapped up into one that prevents them from doing this.

There is a point where you have to set up your boundaries and stick to them. It is their choice whether or not to comply and if they don't, then they are choosing the consequences. Boundaries are for your emotional protection and well being (sometimes physical too). They are not punishments for the PA, although addicts often view them that way because they cling so tightly to their addiction.

 

I'm sorry, I know how much this hurts. Despite what some are saying it is his choice to do or not do it. Yes it is an addiction, but he is still the one making the choices. I do get addictions, I've been there myself and every time it was me who made the choice to use or not. Sometimes it is very hard to resist, sometimes there is no resistance til later. But addiction is no excuse. In my experience coddling the PA gets you nowhere. Two years I spend distancing myself from him, hoping that he would see it and do something. That wasn't the only reason I did it, I was preparing myself to break up. But hoping that I meant something to him that he would stop or be honest. Nope. It was the confrontation and telling him I was done that woke him up finally. I was yelling and crying and told him I hated him and wished I never met him. Which sadly is still true sometimes. But that is what got to him, not a 'safe space' or being loving and gentle. Now that he is clean and working towards mending our relationship I am much calmer and understanding. I don't get mad at what he tells me, even if it is incredibly painful.
I agree with what eyeswideopen says. You need to make boundaries to keep yourself safe. They are not to punish your husband, they are for you. You can not control his behavior, he has to want to change.

 

Hey hunny,

I know your situation. You come home and they are already so tired and your gut just tells you something is amiss. My gut is always burning. When I’m at work I can’t even focus because all I can think of is him cheating on me with porn and I think the same. If I don’t initiate we will go to 0 sex. Is that what they want? I wonder. Keep your head up! Your not alone.

 

Men have stronger urges, mostly due to hormones like testosterone. It's why sometimes men don't want to ruin their relationships with cheating or porn addiction but it takes over their life... that's not to say they aren't capable of being held responsible but the urges are much more intense as a man. Its why more men have porn addictions(men view porn more in general), they cheat more, they pay ridiculous amounts of money to have sex with people, they spend tremendous amounts of time and money on trying to impress the opposite sex(even trying to perfect pick up techniques), it's usually men hitting on women(or checking women out in public), etc. It's why a lot of times a man's fantasy is to sleep with numerous women and many times a woman's fantasy is a some what wild man being totally devoted to her(the beauty and the beast story, tarzan, etc). Sometimes a man's desires can become so out of control and animalistic he ends up doing something illegal.

 

This is true, as I am struggling with the same. My husband has die-hard denial to the max. My gut says he has a PA. He blames it on stress and low-libido. I’ve tried to give him his space. Waiting for him to open up. Yet he doesn’t. I wonder if things will get worse. I wonder if years and years will go by.

 

PMO actually lowers testosterone. My husband has low T and would PMO 15 times a week.PMO addiction is not about having a crazy high sex drive. Sex and porn addiction is about mismanaged emotions. It is about not knowing or relying on adult coping skills and instead turning to P to get a high to escape difficult feelings. Then it gets reinforced in the brain by neurochemical feedback.

 

@GhostWriter I think you have some amazing advice a majority of the time. However, I do take issue with this

It is not the partner's job to 'fix it.' It feels like with those words you are placing a lot of responsibility on the success of the relationship based on what the partner does. None of the fault lies with the spouse/SO/partner. It is always fully the responsibility of the PA and his (or her) actions alone. You say that yourself, that the addict should focus on himself and let the relationship fall where it may.

For my relationship, I choose to support my husband, but I am not responsible for his sobriety. If, after DDay, I told him to get clean or else, without any help from me, and he didn't, I feel I would have every right to walk away. His addiction started way before I entered the picture and he lied to me for decades about it. I am here because I choose to be here. I am here because I want to be here. But in no way is it my job to do anything to 'fix it.' I support him, I work with him, I help him, because I want to. But it is his responsibility to fix himself, with or without my help.

I don't mean to 'come at you' so I apologize if it came across that way. I just wanted to clarify for Tammy because your post really felt like you were laying some serious responsibility at her feet. Could you clarify your post further?

 

Your absolutely right. I’m trying to find a happy medium between giving him some space and adressing the issue. He knows how I feel. So at the moment I’m giving him some time to make the right decision. He tells me my gut is wrong, but if he is... well he knows in his heart the truth. When I say that I am a complete mess, I do not exagerate. I’m drowning in pain.

 

Thank you, your absosolutely right, that it’s not my job to fix it, AND-AND I think that I’m beating a dead horse. I can’t fix it. Maybe that’s why it’s consuming me. IF he has an addiction, (which he denies) it is he who can fix it. I’m afraid it will never happen AND that’s what scares me . That’s why I try to be honest with my feelings and not necessarily nag, but fight for us. Living in a sexless marriage is shit and I don’t want to go there. I want him to be healthy.