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I know I can change. I know now I have to.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by PaleAle76, Jan 16, 2018.

  1. PaleAle76

    PaleAle76 Fapstronaut

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    So this is my story…. Like so many other men, I’m addicted to porn. I realize now that I always have been. I’ve denied it, justified it, excused it. But I am done hiding. I am done making excuses for myself. I have a problem, and I need help overcoming it. For the longest time, I wasn’t willing to admit that to myself. I would find ways to excuse it and rationalize it away- even after being caught… “she’s over reacting….”, “it isn’t THAT big of a deal….”, “everybody does it…”. I would convince myself that porn wasn’t having adverse reactions on my relationships- even after being caught red handed. How could I possibly believe this wasn’t a problem when my significant other is sobbing and looking at me with disgust? I have violated her trust, something I will probably never get back, yet that wasn’t enough for me to change. Not. Any. More. No more excuses. No more denial. No more lying.

    I’m 41, married once, divorced, and now am engaged to the most amazing woman I’ve ever met… who’s trust I have betrayed because of my addiction to porn. She caught me masturbating last year. She was devastated. We talked. I convinced her (and myself) that I would change. Of course I didn’t. At this point, the trust was broken, and she correctly assumed I wouldn’t just quit. Around Thanksgiving last year, she checked my browser history. She was devastated. We talked. I convinced her (and myself) that I would change. Of course I didn’t. Then two days ago, she came downstairs to tell me her wedding dress had been shipped. She was sharing exciting news about our upcoming wedding. I was watching porn.

    The thought of losing her is too much. She is my rock and I know I would be lost without her. I wish I could say I was doing this for myself… but that wouldn’t be the truth. The Truth is that I need her, and I know I have to change to have any hope of salvaging our relationship. That may not be the right outlook to have, but I am trying to be honest with myself. Without her, I know I would be jacking off every night to porn… and without a relationship around for it to damage, I know I wouldn’t have the willpower to quit- I simply wouldn’t care enough to bother.

    Hopefully with the help of this community, that outlook can change- I know it has to. As much as I need to do this for ‘us’, in the end, I am the one with the addiction, and I am the one needs to change… and if I’m doing it for the wrong reasons, I know it won’t stick. So this is going to be my journey…. Not only my journey in quitting porn for good, but in re-discovering my own self-worth. I am better than this. I am not the product of my addiction, and I need to reclaim control of my life- for ME. I am luckier than most in that I have a partner who hasn’t yet given up hope in me…. Someone who can anchor me and provide me with the motivation to see this through and to keep me on the path.

    Here we go… Day 2. Wish me luck
     
  2. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Welcome to NoFap. This forum, this community is a great resource. The road will be long and bumpy ... but there are lots of people here to help and support you.

    Here are some ideas and questions for you:
    * What porn blocking tools have you installed on your laptop/computer/home WiFi router?

    * Daily read all the threads and comments in Rebooting in a Relationship -- I have found much practical advice and wisdom in those threads...hearing the perspectives of both the PA's and the SO's helps me stay focused on my goals.

    * Start a journal .. write in it daily .. be open and honest with yourself in it. You will likely get encouraging comments--sometimes comments that will call you out and help adjust your thinking.

    * Find an Accountability Partner (or two). There is a forum just for that.

    * Finally, read / read / read ... there are many great lists of resources with links to articles, YouTube videos, etc. Listen, watch and read all of it; learn about porn addiction and recovering from PA.

    Check back here on NoFap daily ... multiple times per day. Engage the community -- it has been SSSOOO beneficial for me (I just found it the weekend after Thanksgiving).

    Again, welcome..you are among friends.
     
    Joona K likes this.
  3. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

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    Can you afford counseling? I'd highly recommend it, though my PA fiance and I can't afford it ourselves. There may be a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) in your area.
    As a woman trying to plan a wedding with these worries, I can highly relate to your future wife. I would invite her to come here and speak to other SO's and have her own journal, it may begin to help her heal as well. Betrayal trauma is no fun.
    Counseling will help you to begin to explore WHY it is that you wouldn't be able to stop if not for your relationship.
    PMO is harmful even for those not in a committed relationship. Though there are differing opinions on Masturbation vs. Not, personally I like to think that sexual release isn't a need, but a desire, and for some desires are hard not to indulge in.
    Remember - It's not a crime to want to feel good. But when it's hidden, and shameful, and secret, it becomes a vice. An extremely isolating and harmful one.
     
  4. PaleAle76

    PaleAle76 Fapstronaut

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    Oh yes... I am definitely looking into counseling. My fiancé is actually the one who turned me on to this site. For all I know she already has an account.
     
  5. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    Hi @PaleAle76, and welcome to NoFap. You will find a broad community of people here that can help you on your journey, and even support for your fiancé, if she also needs some help in understanding your addiction, and it’s affects it has on her and you.

    You’ve made a great first step in admitting you have a problem and seeking help in resolving it. The toughest part is making that commitment to refrain from PMO, and finding the reasons and will to continue with it. I can say you won’t regret the decision. Set your goals for yourself and resolve to meet them. They shouldn’t feel unobtainable, but should make you (or your addict mind) uncomfortable. They should be a stretch, but not unrealistic.

    Best of luck to you on your journey to rebooting!
     
    PaleAle76 likes this.
  6. Man, your post hits so close to home it made me a bit emotional. My wife has only caught me once in a nine-year relationship, but there have been far too many close calls during that period of time. I admire your willingness to come in here and seek help. We all need it! It is a tough journey, but I wholeheartedly believe that with all this support around us, there is no way we can fail.

    The first response to this post hit the nail on the head in regard to how to get started on the NoFap journey. Take it seriously. Don’t listen to the voice in your head that will surely try to convince you that NoFap isn’t achievable. IT IS! We just have to be committed to it.

    Best of luck, my brother!
     
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  7. PaleAle76

    PaleAle76 Fapstronaut

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    I am looking into accountability software... any thoughts? It sounds like it would be a good crutch to keep you on the straight and narrow... until more positive coping mechanisms can be developed.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  8. moonesque

    moonesque Fapstronaut
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    Please refer to some of the resources mentioned to block sites and other triggers. I have positive remarks about Qustodio and OpenDNS for computers and phones. However you need to really think about what it means to not just not have porn, but to let it go. That means so much more than just being accountable because there will always be ways you can subvert and lie to yourself. Congratulations on joining the community and acknowledging your problem. Reality is what it is but it doesnt mean you have to be afraid to live in it or with your partner.
     
  9. PaleAle76

    PaleAle76 Fapstronaut

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    thanks! I happened across Accountability Software last night when researching this addiction. There is a big part of me that feels like the relinquishing of control- knowing that my Accountability Partner will see all of my internet viewing habits- could be a good first step in rebuilding trust.
     
  10. Covenant Eyes was designed for couples and families.

    Invest more in your relationship, work, personal study, and PMO will begin to fade away.
     
  11. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Also, you will need to find new things to do ... read more / daily exercise / going for walks / clean the house / find a new hobby / etc. If you don't replace the PM time with something else .. it's too easy to fall back into P.

    ..

    I suggest downloading and installing Sophos Home on your laptop/computer .. it's free and you can turn on Web Filtering and Block "Adult/Sexually Explicit" -- and it does a pretty good job.

    Sophos plus OpenDNS - configuring your home WiFi router to use OpenDNS and then turn off Pornography/Nudity/etc. from its Web Content Filtering....then all devices on your home WiFi won't be able to get to porn sites (phone, iPad, etc.)

    It takes a little bit of clicking around your WiFi router settings to use OpenDNS (abd it takes around 24 hours to go into effect) ... but OpenDNS works really well.
     
    Joona K and PaleAle76 like this.
  12. Joona K

    Joona K Fapstronaut

    So true!
     
  13. PaleAle76

    PaleAle76 Fapstronaut

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    So here we go: Day 3. Feeling good so far… no urges to watch porn- strong urge last night to get physical with my fiancé. Sunday and Monday night, neither of us really slept. We usually spoon as we are falling asleep- physical contact between us seems to be something both of us crave. There was palpable distance between us the first couple of nights. She was clearly hurt and upset; I was wracked with guilt and shame. Last night was different- we reconnected. We held each other. We kissed. I wanted it to go further, but I know that is a bad idea, and so does she.

    I have my first appointment tomorrow with a counselor… we’ll see how that goes. I am both excited and nervous about the prospect of being completely candid with a stranger. I hope I can do it. I think it will probably be easier than it was being completely candid with my fiancé, to be perfectly honest, though. Overcoming the guilt and shame and secrecy surrounding porn, and confessing about the deepest and most shameful aspects of yourself can be unbelievably difficult when doing it in front of someone who’s opinion of you is so important. This is someone who you love and care about, and you want him or her to love and care about you… and the fear that their opinion of you will be tarnished is terrifying. At least with a therapist, that won’t be as much of an issue.

    During our talk last night, my fiancé said that my lying about it was infinitely more hurtful than the act itself. I had looked her in the eyes and lied to her. Because I was terrified of being honest with her. I was terrified of her losing faith in me- thinking less of me. Of course by lying, I was compounding the problem. Like throwing gasoline on a lit match. My brain is telling me, “She’s already suspicious of you. She’s caught you before…. Lying about it again seems like the right solution!” Its amazing how fear, anxiety, shame, and guilt can turn us into the very things we’re fearful and anxious of becoming. I lied to my fiancé about my addiction. I lied to my ex about my addiction. I’ve lied to every woman I’ve ever had a meaningful relationship with about my addiction. Most importantly, I lied to myself.
     
    moonesque likes this.
  14. moonesque

    moonesque Fapstronaut
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    Counseling is a really important part and I would advise being as honest as you can! Its a real opportunity to be honest and have a safe space, speaking from experience its better to let those thoughts go and be open in that setting than holding them, good job on making that choice.

    When reading about what SOs say, porn and the pain of sexuality is hurtful but lying will hurt a relationship for longer because it destroys the foundation of the relationship. Porn is a bad act based on monogamy of sexuality, but lying is like not having a real relationship at all, no healing can happen because theres nothing to heal in that scenario. Good luck on this process!
     
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