I just had the worst relapse in my life...

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Captain Rex, May 5, 2019.

  1. Captain Rex

    Captain Rex Fapstronaut

    This morning, I just experienced the worst relapse I have ever had throughout this whole journey. I gave in to one of the worst urges I have ever experienced and as a result, I just went down the rabbit hole... again...

    That's right, I just did PMO this morning. I spent over 3 fucking hours watching toxic, degenerate filth while I was beating my damn meat at the same time. It was terrible. It felt boring as hell, but the pleasure was just so addicting.

    I was unable to stop myself at this point. I knew I made a terrible mistake; I knew I could've at least prevented myself from giving in to the temptations of the devil, but I ended up giving in anyways and as a result, I ended up in this awful mess. My life has become a horror story now.

    Now, I feel like a monster. I don't feel like a normal human being like I was before. My view of women has become twisted and now, I can't help but think of them as objects of sexual gratification. I felt like I betrayed myself and everyone else I know. What the fuck did I just do to myself??

    Why the fuck did I give in so easily?! What happened to my willpower?? It's gone now; I need to get it back. I know I don't want PMO anymore; I know PMO has no place in my life; I know PMO is worth less than shit. But I did it anyways... sadly...

    When I was doing PMO, I felt like an automaton. I did not enjoy fapping off and watching disgusting, degenerate videos online. I tried to stop myself multiple times but it was too late. The only way I could escape from this unbearable suffering was by simply cumming my way out.

    Now, I feel worse than shit. I wasted over 3 fucking hours doing PMO. I could have done far more worthwhile activities within those 3 hours. I could get up and stretch, work out, take a walk, meditate, etc. Any of these activities would be far more enjoyable and fulfilling than yanking the snake to some erotic adult videos online.

    Hell, I became a vegetarian recently and now, I would have far more joy and fulfillment just by stuffing a whole bunch of grapes in my mouth than I ever could from beating my sausage (actually, since I'm a vegetarian now, banana would be a more fitting term instead).

    Overall, I have learned my lesson. This will be the last time I would ever indulge in PMO and this time, I actually mean it. This time, I will actually start getting serious about doing NoFap. I will start getting motivation not only from this forum, but from the NoFap YouTubers as well.

    I have now experienced the sensations and the negative consequences of doing PMO. Therefore, I will never do that shit ever again. PMO is 1% pleasure, 99% pain.
    The 5 seconds of pleasure are nothing compared to the unbearable pain and suffering you would feel after doing PMO.

    I know that many of you (including me) are struggling. I get it, it's hard. PMO is a very hard addiction to break (maybe not in the same level as smoking but it's definitely up there), but overcoming that addiction is very much possible.

    We all experience those terrible urges from time to time, but let me tell you that relapsing is never worth it. Don't fall for those temptations of the devil. It's not worth it. If you do, you are guaranteed to feel like shit and you will end up regretting it every single fucking time.

    Not to mention, if you relapse to porn, you are still supporting the porn industry. Who would want to support such a cruel, sick, disgusting industry fueled by human trafficking anyways?!

    Anyways, I hope that those who are still struggling will eventually find their way out of this hell hole of an addiction. I will surely get myself back on the horse and move on from this relapse. I will no longer screw around when it comes to NoFap. This will be the last time I would ever do PMO, and this is for real this time! I will recover and once I do, I will become stronger than ever before!

    Make sure to remember that anything that doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!

    -Captain Rex
  2. DekuHope

    DekuHope Fapstronaut

    The moment I say I am going offline to do some progress this appears ._.
    llortaton likes this.
  3. Wrestlebater

    Wrestlebater New Fapstronaut

    Captain, I applaud your honesty and your determination. Your words expressed my thoughts and feelings on PMO exactly. Having had an almost similar experience a couple of days ago, I am too determined to be done with PMO once and for all. Good luck with your recovery, I'm sure you will make it!
    Self Worth and DekuHope like this.
  4. DekuHope

    DekuHope Fapstronaut

    Captain how dare you to promise something like that. Accept a failure instead of saying that you won't do it again tell us how you want to prevent it, show us how you learn from failing. I was like you too. I promised I won't I put a part of my self-worth into those words and do you know what happend when I failed ? I felt like I was just lying to myself and that I can't do it. Because I lost a part of my own believe in myself with it. Don't tell me you won't fail CAPTAIN! TELL ME WHAT YOUR NEW STRATEGY IS TELL ME THAT YOU WILL CARRY THESE MEN AND WOMEN THROUGH THIS BATTLE. The key is to pushing forward no matter what. If you fap daily or not keep pushing. Don't make your development depended on your nofap streak because otherwise you will give up on everything just because you fapped. You will be stuck in that cycle. :) CAPTAIN WE NEED YOU HERE AND NOW!
  5. llortaton

    llortaton Fapstronaut

    My Journal
    I love the way you write, it is easy to read, interesting, funny, and simple.

    You my friend, should write many books when you grow up.
    "Either do something worth writing, or write something worth reading." - Benjamin Franklin.
    Captain Rex, Self Worth and DekuHope like this.
  6. Captain Rex

    Captain Rex Fapstronaut

    You are very much correct! The problem is, I keep beating myself up every time I fail to maintain my streak; I keep beating myself up every time I end up falling to the temptations of the devil. I really need to stop having that mindset and just move on.

    The counter doesn't mean anything, it's just numbers. It may be useful for motivation but for me, it makes me feel demotivated every time I have to reset it after a relapse. I should just forget that there even is a counter and instead use the relapse as a learning opportunity to become my greatest version.

    I think the reason I keep failing is because I tend to forget about NoFap, which makes me lose my guard. I should start using NoFap more often now.

    The first thing I should do is to start reading success stories everyday to remind me of why I started this journey in the first place. The second thing I should do is to start inspiring other people to overcome their addiction and help them become their greatest versions.

    Hopefully this plan should help me to restart my streak and overcome this addiction for good this time!
  7. DekuHope

    DekuHope Fapstronaut

    okay sounds good BUT! Reading the success story of others won't give you a personal goal. You need a personal goal :)
    llortaton likes this.
  8. Self Worth

    Self Worth Fapstronaut

    Habits and addiction are not broken by relapsing. It's meant to be hard everyday with every urge. Urges are there to make you relapse (you can't sit and watch) you should be terrified when the urges come.

    Try this technique that I have just made its probably already out there same as all my other ideas such as moving pictures in a box and flying cars but anyways nevermind my bad humour heres the technique

    next time you get urges do as many burpees or jumping Jack's as you can until you burn out. and repeat this everytime you get an urges without fail.

    What this does is it stops you from thinking and it steals the energy you would have used to fap and repeating without fail is forming a habit that always prevents you from relapsing.

    This is not full proof just because it works doesn't mean it always will and you won't always be in a place we're you can do this and I don't mean just physically so you need to figure out how you will deal with situations that might make you give in. But even if you feel lazy or down just rise up out of no where and just do them jumping jacks or burppes till you can't do no more and you will feel better I promise you that.

    Best of luck man, your story is very similar to mine and a lot of us on here. Keep working at it. And try feel better about yourself when you get up in the morning look at yourself in the mirror and say wow your a great person your beautiful and mean it because if you search you will find you are, even just reading you post and how you feel about what's happing tells me you are. Don't be hard on yourself just see it as a chance to learn from your mistakes because that's what it is
    Last edited: May 5, 2019
  9. GaryMayor

    GaryMayor Fapstronaut

    Thank you for this post, dude.
  10. happysloth

    happysloth Fapstronaut

    You are putting too much pressure on yourself by saying you will never watch porn again. How about saying today, I will not watch porn or masturbate and repeat the same for the subsequent days.

    I think you also need to patiently follow a thorough recovery program such as recoverynation.com or the one found in the book Treating Pornography Addiction: The Essential Tools for Recovery by Kevin B. Skinner (https://www.amazon.com/Treating-Pornography-Addiction-Essential-Recovery/dp/097722080X ). Do not underestimate this addiction's effect on our brains.

    Finally, I would advise to use a calendar app such as Habit bull or Habit tracker (or even design a spreadsheet) in addition to a counter so that you can be able to see the total number of days you have been abstinent over a certain period of time.

    All the best!
    Captain Rex and DekuHope like this.
  11. Captain Rex

    Captain Rex Fapstronaut

    Amen brother, you are absolutely right! I notice that every time I say that I will never do PMO again, I end up doing that shit again later on.

    Just like you said, I should stop putting so much pressure on myself. I should set more realistic goals; small goals (such as 30 days, 60 days, 90 days and beyond) that I can work towards and eventually, break this shitty addiction for good.

    I remember when my first streak was insane. It lasted for about 17 months until I relapsed for the first time. I did PMO but without the P, but I still felt pretty lethargic and exhausted afterwards. It was not worth it.

    And you're definitely right that I should start using a spreadsheet to track my progress instead of checking the counter. I think spreadsheets and calenders are better because you don't have to worry about resetting your streak number all the way to 0.

    Like I said before, I tend to find the counter to be counter-productive because after resetting my streak, I tend to feel so demotivated and it makes me so prone to relapsing.

    Plus, relapsing is a learning opportunity to help us grow and get better; it's not the end of the world if you do relapse. All you have to do is get your ass back on the horse and move on.

    After all, anything thay doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!
    happysloth likes this.
  12. Chappo030891

    Chappo030891 Fapstronaut


    I can relate to you so much man. In my case, I think I need to work on my goals. I have never worked on my goals that much, I just drift through live, live average and get average results. I don't know what its like to start sth and finish it as planned. I think i need to do that to fill the void and may be feel some satisfaction.

    I hope you figure out what is it that you are missing in your life. Its not easy, but its worth it to identify why we keep falling into the trap of PMO.
  13. ace1234

    ace1234 Fapstronaut

    Thanks for your post man. I peaked not too long ago, but remembered the pain and dropped that shit. I read your post... that could have been me.

    Every failure is a stepping stone to success.

    Yes we always say that was the last time. We should ask ourselves, was that the last time I will fap?
    Ogikubo likes this.

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