I have no idea what to do

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Jmar90, Jun 5, 2019.

  1. Jmar90

    Jmar90 Fapstronaut

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    Ok firstly hello! I am so relieved this exists. I will give a brief explanation of whats going on .My partner and I have been together for almost 2 years I have 2 children from previous relationship and we have 1 baby son together. My partner who is 29 has never had any long term relationships and openly admits porn use(cam girls-which he says he doesnt interact with)was a daily occurrence. And often more thsn once. He doesn't use it regularly anymore from what i can make out but he lies and is very deceitful about it. It has obliterated my self esteem and I cannot trust him. I want to make it work but he now admits he feels he cannot trust himself if he is left in the house on his own. What do I do?
     
  2. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    Sorry you're here but there is a lot of support and resources here for you and him. Unfortunately there isn't a lot you can do for for him. You can support him but the work is his to do. He admits there is a problem so that is a huge step. Look into accountability software, there are a few. It will not block anything but will log it all and send reports. Some people do use blocking software or parental controls but I'm never found them useful and they can be gotten around. He needs to do the research into porn addiction, yourbrainonporn.com has a lot of good info and is a good starting place. Many PA find therapy, groups, journaling and being active here on the forums helpful.
    I'm not sure if you've seen this post but here is a lot of resources that many members have found helpful, https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/resource-thread-for-pas-and-sos.235049/

    Remember to take care of yourself too. You can't fix him, but you can support him. You have to look after yourself and your self care.
     
  3. Latvian Saiyan

    Latvian Saiyan Fapstronaut

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    Well, do your best to help him beat this stupid addiction, cause porno addiction can be a bitch. More bitch than a fucking heroin addiction! I'm sorry for language there, but really... Before I become a father I want my brain to be clean and I don't want NONE of that in my life. So yes... Just speak with him, try your best to get him here and help him get on the road, of course, if he wants. If not... Well... Shit's fucked up I guess.
     
    Jmar90 and control your life like this.
  4. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    He needs to start some PA recovery work if he's serious about getting rid of this addiction. Join this site too if he hasn't already. And you need to setup some boundaries and consequences for your own protection. B & C's are one way to start getting what you want in the relationship. So you can stop his problems eroding away at your self-esteem but they can be tough to get him to agree to and to enforce the consequences when he breaks the boundaries. You have to be firm. B & C's don't work if you don't uphold them. But if you can do it, it'll be a good start to dealing with your situation. Good luck!
     
  5. Jmar90

    Jmar90 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for taking the time to reply. My self esteem has already been obliterated to be honest. As up until the latest discovery I thought it was a problem with me (my body, what I do or don't do in bed etc) and although he has always told me thats not the case and always been remorseful for breaking promises I have only just realised that we have been treating the problem in our relationship as my problem. He is trying to stop the porn for me not for him. He wants the porn but doesnt want me to be upset. I dont think he has really realised the hold it has on him and how it has been ruining his life. What sorts of Bs and Cs would you suggest. I know every relationship is different but just pointers . Thanks again and sorry if none of that makes sense my brain is full of everything and Im not sure where to bloody start!
     
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  6. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    @Jmar90 If you have a look at my journal I only just updated my B & C’s the other day, so it’s a few posts back. It’ll give you an idea of the kind of things but obviously tailored to what’s most problematic in your relationship. One thing you both need to understand is that he can’t just give up porn for you. It’ll never work. My husband tried that for years and couldn’t do it, not only because he was addicted but his desire to stop for me just wasn’t strong enough. He liked it too much and honestly couldn’t understand why I had such a problem with it. It took him 8 years to get out of his addiction denial and to really see all the areas in his life that it was affecting and all the negativity that was coming from his addiction. He wanted to stop to improve our marriage and to stop hurting me but for him that’s secondary and the main primary reason to really keep himself committed is for his own mental and emotional wellbeing and improvement in himself as a person.
     
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  7. Jmar90

    Jmar90 Fapstronaut

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    This is exactly the conversation I've just had with him. Ive told him it will never work if he is quitting for me not only because thus far that has not worked but because he doesn't truly see how it has on overwhelming negative affect on his life even if it is just very occasional use. Its so hard to explain my thoughts and feelings without coming accross judgemental. Id like to go to couples therapy or similar to have someone impartial speak to both of us but ultimately he needs to see the gravity in which porn has on him as a person. When Ive sat and evaulated everything I honestly believe he gets less out of life because his brain has been so warped by porn use as a youth and into adult hood. For example he would happily sit watching mindless tv all evening, or scroll on Facebook. Hes never had any real relationships with people and I honestly believe its because of porn and the underlying reasons why he has taken to use it. Its the lying i cant stand, making me feel I'm going mad and questioning my gut feelings on things. When Im out of the house he sends messages and things telling me what hes doing which I see as a smoke screen and he has since begrudgingly admited is the case. I know hes not doing it to hurt me but to cover up his habit because he doesnt want it to stop. He becomes very calculated with it, thats the main issue for me. Everytime I gain a bit of trust in him, he throws it away. I know this will be the cycle until he deals with this as his problem with porn and not my problem with him watching it.
     
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  8. Jmar90

    Jmar90 Fapstronaut

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    Id like to point out that its only very occasional use because we are now in the unhealthy habit of him cominh every where with me and only 2 times in the last 7 months has he been here alone. On 1 of those occasions 3 days ago he admited to turning it on but not M. He only admitted it because I told him I had downloaded software to track these things so (not true) so he thought he had been found out. Of course i dont believe he didnt M. He is not admitting to that because i have no way of proving that. I dont know though if it is far worse if a problem, he goes incognito with everthing so it could be when im asleep or anything. You end up going out of your mind dont you :(
     
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  9. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    Encourage him to seek out an AP or three on this site and begin using accountability software that monitors his computer and phone use (even incognito!). You should not be his babysitter. If he wants to be free of PMO and to save the relationship, he will do whatever it takes. I am praying for you both!
     
  10. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    I can relate to everything you say. He needs a CSAT therapist if he's willing to go to one. My husband did the NoFap Recovery Course which he thought was very good. It was run by Mark Queppet. Mark has now started up his own site and has updated his course material. For the cost it was well worth it. A lot cheaper than what you'd pay therapists. If he was willing to do something like that for himself, it might be a good start for him but he has to want it for himself. And he has to do it without you pushing him. You could make it a boundary if you set them up. Him doing his own recovery work, being active and regular in it and using his own initiative is a boundary of mine. Definitely look at getting the accountability software. I use accountable2you. It's the cheapest one and does the job but it also depends on what phone he has. Works best on androids. I have it on my husbands phone and laptop. He prefers to have it on there because it keeps any temptation at bay.
     
  11. randomname3

    randomname3 Fapstronaut

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    So you have two children from different relationships and decided to have a third child with this man outside of marriage. And now you're asking us how to solve his commitment issues? I'm not qualified to even try and fix a situation like that, but best wishes. Hope you can make it.
     
  12. MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

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    @Jmar90 feel free to use the ignore feature generously
     
  13. Jmar90

    Jmar90 Fapstronaut

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    I'm not entirely sure I understand what you are talking about. To reiterate I have 2 children from a previous relationship which ended amicably. Their father and I have a very good, co-parenting relationship. My current partner and I met after this relationship ended and decided to have a child which was a conscious choice we made as two adults. We are not married but neither of us are religious and marriage isn't something that is important to us at this time. All of which is completely besides the point of this post and if you have nothing positive or helpful to say please save your effort and concentrate on why it is you are on this forum.
     
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  14. randomname3

    randomname3 Fapstronaut

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    I'm reluctant to reply at all before I get out of here, 'if you can't say something nice...', but I'll at least try to clarify:
    It's not "amicable" for your children to be raised like that. Growing up without your father, or split between two homes is damaging to children, probably much more damaging than a porn addiction. Next you chose to have a child with this open porn user knowing he's never been in a longterm relationship and neglect even seal your commitment through marriage first. All those actions were sending this man signals that you don't really care if he's wholly committed to you or not. But now that you've already had the child with him, suddenly you're going to upgrade your terms of service? That's not fair. Yes, what he's doing is bad, but you accepted it before, and now you're changing your mind, that's the issue.

    I honestly hope this situation you've chosen for you and your children in can be worked out somehow. The problem is, we don't have a way to make him want to quit, and it's not even fair at this point to require him to quit. The only advise I can think of, is find some really good nofap videos to try and get him excited about superpowers from quitting. That's our best bet.
     
  15. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Your comment is exceptionally judgemental. It is not up to you to tell a woman that her children are being raised inappropriately based on her 1 paragraph. That being said being raised in 2 homes that are healthy is not nearly as damaging as the effects of addiction on a family unit. I suspect that the poster was unaware of the depth of her partner's addiction until the relationship was well under way-this is how addicts operate. Everything slowly decays because of the addiction and it has NOTHING to do with the partner. Being unmarried DOES NOT tell a man that she is not wholly committed. Perhaps the poster and her partner are not religious and do not believe in the covenant of marriage (over 50% of marriages end in divorce anyhow-56% of those due to obsessive pornography use). You say it "isn't even fair" to ask him to quit his addiction? This sounds like your addiction talking. This man owes it to his family and his children (biological or not) to MAN UP and give his attention to them, not a screen and to model healthy relationships-not the deception, betrayal, denial, and hurt that is perpetuated by addiction.
     
  16. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    There are several things that will help him to successfully change but first and foremost he has to want to change. Addicts live in denial and do not clearly see the damage they are doing. Is he willing to go to counseling?
    A few things I would suggest are:
    Watch Gary Wilson's "Your Brain On Porn" together.
    Watch Dr. Doug Weiss's video "Helping Her Heal"
    Go to www.sexandrelationshiphealing.com Click on webinars, then on past webinars and watch all of the ones led by Dr. Rob Weiss.
    I have more suggestions based on how committed your partner is in trying to repair the damage he has done.
    As for you, self care. I understand fully the feelings of rejection, embarrassment and lack of safety felt from these betrayals. BTR.org has great podcasts about boundaries, self care, and validates why porn use is so damaging. Not all men do it. Not all men are addicted. Not all men prefer a screen to their partner. It is NOT normal and it is NOT your fault. It has been your partner's coping mechanism since puberty and his blankie needs to be taken away so he can grow up.
     
  17. Jmar90

    Jmar90 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for your time in writing both of the above its very much appreciated. I have had another long chat with him tonight about the whys of the addiction and we have talked about a lot and we both feel really good about that. We also feel a lot more connected, although its not nice to hear or say certain things its so refreshing and almost cathartic for us both to be so honest.
     

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