I have been ambivalent about when to start...

I have a nightly masturbation habit right? Even without porn, every night as I go to sleep. I was thinking about starting tomorrow, but I've been thinking that for a long time now. I've never been able to get past a month of NoFap but I think I'm about ready to just get on with it. I can't go on living like this. I'm too ashamed to post what I really want to, or need to, I'm scared to, but for now I'm going to make it at least one night without masturbating.

Spoiler

I went 12 days without porn, relapsed on Sunday, blatantly looked up several amoral things and proceeded to beat my dick until I lost skin and currently have a scab healing on the shaft of my fucking penis. This is not a new occurrence.

It's so hard to have come to the realisation that I have a serious problem; even if it weren't for the content of what I've seen, just that the compulsion is so strong.
Thankfully, I know I'm not alone. I wish this community were around when I was a teenager when I REALLY got into it so I could have understood what escalation is a lot earlier.

I am very grateful to read that there is a simple cure, just like my alcohol and meth habit (just over 5.5 and 4 years sober respectively-) abstinence. Total abstinence, for the rest of my life. I have been abstinent from cannabis for nearly 5 weeks again-- I've wanted for the longest time to be free of my substance abuse and I'm there; I'm doing it... Just as important is being free of pornography. Holy shit is this the darkest thing I've ever experienced. When you realise that the whole thing is based on trafficking and abuse, that you've gleefully participated in furthering that for so long thinking it's just a laff, all the while completely destroying your mind and putting your freedom in jeapordy. Realising that I have done it for so long largely because I haven't properly dealt with my own history of sexual trauma.

I've been trying to search for how to get help for this shit and realising I'm probably throwing up yet more red flags; I don't know how paranoid to be about the whole data retention thing but the answer is probably 'very.' All I can do is continue to remain abstinent, participate, finally speak to my therapist about it and fucking pray for absolution, because honestly, prayer is about all I've got right now.

I feel sick. The things I have watched are not me, are not my sexual preference or in line with my morals, nor what I want from any potential relationship in the future, yet here I am.

 

Thank you both! Even just signing up here and posting something has helped. It feels like one of those therapy scenarios in which things will open up in time. I realise that it would be best to combine this with therapy irl as well, getting the courage up to email my therapist asking if she has any experience with PA.

EDIT: Totally did NOT touch my dick at all last night. Win? Win. I can see already how habitually I fantasise about girls. Woke up this morning, first thing? Erotic fantasy. Totally vanilla as such (it's weird, my fantasy world has always been for loving, vanilla interactions-- it's just the pornography side that really got twisted...) but still. There it is. Literally the first thing through my mind before and after sleep.