I hate myself but i wanna fix it

I sit here typing this depressing embrassing maniacal post to remind myself why I started my NoFap journey. I want to feel happy again and i hate the fact i wake up in this lost state because how far this addiction has pushed me. I have kept this secret and a pretty big one at that to myself all these years and the bulit up saddness is finally spewing out in front of eyes. The entire week has been hard for me, seriouly.... The loniness felt in my hotel room at the end of every night but I know things only go up from here. Theres always that feeling not sure if its lust or the want to be connect to a female stronger each day. I want to feel real emotion, hell i die for a real life conversation with one even if its a few seconds. Too bad everyone at my schools a guy and the testosterone levels puts the environment on edge. But me im not like that and i know someday i'll find her. Whoever she is wherever she is you'll find me. I raise my Pabst Blue Ribbon high and say cheers to day 20.