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I "Give Up"

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Deleted Account, Sep 19, 2017.

  1. Just relapsed after a 10 day streak, and this time around I am resolving to give up. Not give up trying to abstain/reboot, mind you. But give up trying to do so on my terms. Basically I have been caught in a cycle for YEARS now where I will tell myself that I will do whatever it takes, and will indeed push myself about as hard as I can... but at the same time, in some fundamental ways, I am only willing to push myself in ways that fall within my comfort zone. To be honest, it's a bit embarrassing when I look back at the amount of stubbornness/cowardice involved in trying and failing in the same limited sort of ways, able to pick myself up "one last time" and convincing myself that it will be the last time rather than opening myself up to learning or growth or the advice of others who have quite clearly figured out some things I have not. There is quite a long list of perspectives at this point that I have sensed have some crucial wisdom in them, but just haven't had the balls/humility to incorporate into my approach. Some examples:

    -Isolation is the fuel our addiction/compulsion thrives on. The opposite of our affliction is human connection.

    -Work smarter not harder. If an approach is not getting you where you wanna go, reflect deeply and honestly, research, experiment, talk to others who have gone this way before, and do not be afraid to make some bold changes... do not expect a different result from doing the same basic thing.

    -Recovery does not equal abstinence. It is unlikely if you are at this place in your life that everything about your life and general attitude is spot-on, and you just happened to really like pleasuring yourself. (It is not IMPOSSIBLE, IMO, but it does hold true for me and I suspect also for most people to some degree). Don't just try to abstain or "white knuckle"... actually work on yourself/your life. It will be more gratifying, and abstinence/rebooting will just naturally become more feasible as a side effect. Another way of looking at it: don't focus on what you don't want to do and avoiding it... focus on what you DO want to do and pursuing it.

    -Find a way to not beat yourself up about relapse. Easier said than done, I know, but my experience has pretty clearly shown that it will only make everything harder and relapses longer and more damaging, so... see if you can figure it out.

    What SPECIFICALLY does this mean? For starters, it means pushing myself to be social, even if I don't feel like it. For me it also means joining and submitting to a 12-step program like SAA or SCA, and focusing on what it CAN do and what I DO have in common with others there rather than on all the flaws and differences I can find. Lastly, it means working to create a life for myself that I can actually begin to deal with... not ONLY because it's a way to recover from PMO, but because it is my life, and I have to live in it. (Not advocating 12-step as the best/only program by the way, just seems to be the best fit I can find in terms of real-world social support).

    So that's where I'm at. I hereby resolve to "give up"... not on rebooting, but on comfort, stubbornness, hubris, and this belief that I can do this on my own and on my own terms despite all the evidence to the contrary... the belief that I should or can even afford to keep putting my life on the other side of rebooting, instead of working to create the life I want here and now, with abstinence/rebooting being just one facet of this.

    Just wanted to put this out there, I guess cause it felt significant and I wanted to share it, and also because sharing it makes it feel more real/official. Hopefully it helped someone. Best of luck to all people on all the different paths of recovery out there.
     

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