I Feel So Lost

UnCleverUser, unfortunately, I can relate to you 100%. From the 1st grade to the 12th grade I spent most of my time studying, sometimes even during holidays. My family was very supportive of me, they tried to make me do sports, sent me to camps, but the main pressure was on academic results. I don't blame them. They worked hard for me and wanted me to be successful in every respect. But they had no idea what was happening inside me, how often I masturbated and how I hated myself and my life.

If you can't talk to your parents about this, your only way out of this is to contact a psychologist and talk to him/her about your problem. He/she will eventually have a very serious talk with your parents.

Remember that this is not about putting the blame on somebody else. Your parents are not telepathic and can't guess what is going on with your sexual life. They may also be too busy working for their family. Or they are simply too traditional and old-fashioned to think about this kind of problems, let alone talk about them. You are a responsible human being. Therefore you are responsible for letting your parents know how you feel. If you don't do anything about this, you'll end up hating yourself and your family. Also you may develop a very severe form of PMO addiction, as I did, and later on ruin your future partners' lives.

When I think back, I realize that most, if not all my colleagues and neighbors my age who did team sports had a really great time during teen years, in spite of the fact that they didn't have sex at that time. It's time for you to speak your mind and let your parents know about your situation and your intentions in a very serious and mature way. If you want to be a man, behave like a man. You aren't going to become one overnight, but you have to start fighting at a certain point. In my opinion, start by talking to your parents or a psychologist and by taking up a competitive sport.

 

@UnCleverUser, in this case you will have to wait until you feel really motivated to improve your life and get rid of your addiction. When I was in high-school, it was only in my senior year (12th grade) that I started to exercise and go to the gym, learned how to socialize, dance and be funny. A few years later I started contact sports. I still found it difficult to find a girlfriend, but that was mainly because deep down I was a very arrogant person that thought he deserved anything and had the right to despise or mock at other people, including girls. It's not that I didn't have manners, the problem was mainly with my character.

I think I was trying to be some sort of sarcastic bully, which fortunately I was never able to become - sometimes it's good to be weak, because this way you can't hurt more people. Because I had been bullied by other boys and I had been shy with girls in school, I felt I was entitled to get revenge on society, and, of course, which was the category weaker than me? It was the girls. So I was trying hard to be a jerk.

Later on in my relationships, though I behaved very well and tried to be helpful, I still had this belief that, if I don't like a person 100%, I have the right to break up with her and find someone better. Yes, weak persons can ruin other people's life, when those people love the weak persons.

Though the intensity of my addiction decreased drastically when I was 19, it has kept running in the background up to the present day.

You are a good, hard-working and intelligent person, and I wish I could help you more.

Now, some practical thoughts. 1. Your mom will blame herself even more if you don't tell her now and if she finds out later about your problem. 2. The first thing any parent will do about their children's problems is try to solve those problems, not blame themselves or the children. 3. If your parents see you're sad or depressed, but can't understand why you're sad or depressed, they will suffer even more. But if you tell them about your problem, at least you give them (and yourself) the chance to take action. 4. Keep on talking to the priest, but include in your healing process other factors, too: sports, social life, music, dancing with a partner, dating, laughing (read jokes every day to develop your sense of humor). Watch other more experienced guys how they behave in general, not only when girls are around. Of course, I'm referring to those guys who respect their girlfriends and people in general, and who are hard-working and committed.

 

I won't keep nagging you to talk to your parents, because it seems you have a very strong reason not to do it. But it's your duty as their child to tell them the truth. Hiding the truth is not going to protect them, because they can sense something is hurting you, or if they don't, they will find out later on, when it's too late, and they will suffer even more because you didn't give them the chance to help you.

I don't know your situation in detail, but I can tell you that being home-schooled is definitely good for the intellect, but bad for developing your social skills, which nowadays, unfortunately, are very often even more important than work skills per se. I know at least one case. But it seems that you can't talk to your parents about going to a regular school, either.

What about team sports or competitive sports. Team sports would be the best for your problem. Because you have to learn how to cooperate, stick up for your team mates, it brings oxygen to your brain (which is good for your intellect and intelligence), and also helps you develop your body. Martial arts are also great. Taekwondo is perfect if you have good flexibility. If you don't, take up more traditional styles, like shotokan or karate.

Now - meeting people. For this, you'll have to work a bit. People meet because they have something in common, they may share values or skills. A hobby or a strong skill may help you make friends very easily. Sense of humor is extremely important - you can read popular jokes or watch popular comedies, to develop a popular sense of humor. You may take up the guitar and jam with somebody.

If you work hard on a friendship or a relationship with a girl, things may not go well. But if you work a bit on yourself, you'll end up having friends and a girlfriend. We can't improve a relationship if we don't improve ourselves. People make friends with those people that they consider to be superior in some way or another, or from whom they can learn something (courage, honesty, how to overcome problems like shyness).

But you can't change if you don't go out to face real world. Internet friends are not real friends. You have to work and even fight for yourself and your happiness.

 

Hi again. When you share a common interest or hobby with someone, it's easy to start a conversation. Once I was at a flamenco concert and I heard two people on the seats behind me talking in Spanish. I turned to them and asked them 'Do you play the guitar?' 'Yes, I do.' 'Maybe we can meet for a jam session some day.'

Another day there were two guys playing the guitar together in the street. I stopped to listen and then I asked them if I could join them the next day.

You don't have to be a genius to start a conversation. However, you have to be good at something, or have a serious reason for starting it. One of my friends is very good at soccer and he is also a football encyclopedia. Unlike me, he can start a conversation with anybody he wants, because all men like soccer in my country.

The more skills you learn, the more people around you will look up to you and, even more important, they will look for you. You can't be loved or happy just because you exist. Even in small communities like those in Vanuatu, where men are scarce, men still have to be very skilled at certain things, otherwise they can damage their reputation in their community.

Literally, everything you learn matters, whether we are talking about knowing how to fix a water tap, talk to the condo manager or to a cab driver, speak 2 or 3 languages, or dance. By the way, if you want to meet a girl, it's top important for you to know how to dance. You could start with this, in my opinion.

You don't have to take up several hobbies at the same time. Take your time. Study, listen to music, watch stand up shows, then get back to study, etc.

Try to think as little as possible - I'm referring to unproductive thinking and fantasizing here. For instance, don't spend time thinking how happy or lucky other people are; do something instead, like listening to music or going for a walk. If you like a girl, don't imagine what life would be like if she was your girlfriend. If you think you can go and talk to her, do this. If your intuition tells you she's not for you, don't talk to her and stop thinking about her altogether.

 

@UnCleverUser, I'm from Romania. What about you?

 

@UnCleverUser, yes, I was born here and I've been living here for a long time.

You have a very beautiful and big country. Our country is smaller, but equally beautiful. We should all take care of ourselves in order to enjoy all this beauty around us that seems to be infinite, but that we are sometimes too blind to see. If we spend too much time watching porn, it's as if all this beauty doesn't exist for us.

And all those beautiful girls who are porn stars, I see them as unhappy instruments used for making money. But it's not their fault. People don't grow up in a vacuum. Those who have most of the authority in society are the most responsible. As a matter of fact, everybody is responsible, because each of us possesses a certain degree of authority and awareness. An 8-year-old boy is responsible for his own life, too, but to a lesser extent. But his father, who is more experienced and physically and mentally stronger, is much more responsible for his boy's destiny. Not to mention those who have the power to influence the destiny of millions of people, like politicians. But when some people can't or won't see the beauty around them, and only care about money, they can't empathize with others and will always treat the others as their instruments. But we mustn't envy them. They may have lots of things but they will never enjoy a beautiful Andean song, for instance.

 

@UnCleverUser Hi. Thanks, but I don't think you should envy Europeans. You can learn whatever foreign language you want to, if several conditions are met. For instance, if you want to learn French, you could try listening to French songs while following the lyrics, or watching French movies with French subtitles.

I studied English in school since the 5th grade, then at university. The problem is that our curricula used to focus too much on grammar and spelling and less on English in use. Our teachers tried to bring as many communicative materials as possible to class, but only later, due to exposure to the mass-media and internet, was it possible for young people to learn real English, not just textbook English.

 

i was very happy reading all your discussions both if you.
i wish you all the best

 

Dude I don't know whats happening with my life. I really can't say anything to you. Just wish me luck in taking control of my life and I will hope for the best for you

 

I was in your exact situation man. Spent all my High School years in fear, never left my house or did anything. I was addicted to PMO, and video games. I'm now 21, and have made some sort of purpose for my life.

My internal purpose in life is to better myself every day, to push myself to be uncomfortable, not conform to society, to truly be myself. I have things that I struggle with in life, but I know now that they will never go away unless I tackle them day after day. That means to fail over and over again, but to keep pushing on until I achieving success. Aside from pushing myself through struggles, I also believe its important to find out who you are. We should be building our character every day, this means building up skills, obtaining hobbies, and educating ourselves.

My external purpose in life is to be help others. I think we all have an urge to help others and to spread love and compassion. By doing anything from making someones day better by complimenting them, to changing a friends life through counseling.

I feel a lot more content with my life now than I did 1 year ago, even one month ago. Just keep at it man, life is a bitch, but when you figure out your "purpose" or way of life, it'll become a lot easier. I love you man, spread the love.

P.S. once I started playing the guitar, rock climbing, reading, meditating, and being myself around other people, I found that people were more attracted to me. Not just women, but men too (in a non-homo way). I began to make more friends and go out and hang out with them more. People are attracted to authenticity. Be an authentic person, and you will attract authentic friends.

 

@chabi, @Ishan Srivastava, @ComeNcider, @UnCleverUser - I hope your mature thinking and desire to put an end to your addiction will help you and other nofap members, no matter their age.

Keep up the good work and don't forget to watch those members whose PMO trackers feature more than 90 PMO-free days, in order to keep yourselves motivated.