I feel like I'm not doing this right?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Mary Major, Nov 10, 2018 at 3:43 PM.

  1. Mary Major

    Mary Major Fapstronaut

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    While I felt deeply hurt for the days after his disclosure I feel like I'm feeling okay now. I still have questions - which we talk about and we're both in therapy.

    The reason I feel like I'm not doing this right is because many posts on here talk about feeling angry and hurt (no judgement just an observation) for a while after. It's been about 3 weeks since he told me.

    I feel like we're talking more, being more honest and having more those uncomfortable conversations - particularly about sex. I want my marriage to work and I feel like we're both putting in the effort.

    My therapist suggested putting monitoring software on all his devices which we have and I do check them. They also said it was okay to engage in sexual activity, which we have. I honestly thought it would make me feel worse but it's actually been quite the opposite.

    I'm not entirely sure what the point of this is? I guess, has anyone else found that positive things have come from disclosure of PA?
     
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2018 at 1:22 PM
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  2. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    We all come from different places.

    Some saw the light, some felt the heat to recover.

    Kids, expectations, lies, gaslighting; the levels of acting out matter. If I had gone “live” with another beyond P, the shit would’ve hit the fan.

    Some keep testing and engaging in addictive behaiviors. Time will show the levels of commitment and compatibility.

    After ten months my SO and are doing well.
    We both hate drama.

    I am reaching for better.

    She always made me
    want to be a better man.
     
  3. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    Some suffer from betrayal trauma and some don't. That is probably the difference in post you see. I would think that most of the SO who do not suffer from never find their way here. If you are doing ok that is great, BT is a waking nightmare. You can not judge how you are doing by comparing yourself to others. As to has anyone else found positive in PA, yes in a way. Working through all of this has brought my bf and I closer and is helping him to be better/drop the bad habits. So there is a silver lining to all of this, though I wish there was some other way we'd come about these positive changes.
     
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  4. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    You feel the way you do. There’s nothing wrong with that. There is no need to compare your reactions and feelings with all us other SO’s. This is a very personal experience, while there always similarities or a typical patterns it does not mean you are wrong in the way you feel or that something is wrong with you.

    The talking more with open an honest communication between you two is a good thing and at least in my personal experience that helps me to not feel so turbulent with my emotions in regards to anything emotionally hurtful. It also builds trust. After all a lot of the anger and and deep hurt comes from the lack of open honest vulnerable communication. Huge amount of trust lost or the continued erosion of trust. If your communication is great, respectful, honest and loving i would see it that would help to ease the anger and frustration. That is a positive thing.

    The only time I would question something like this is if it is a complete numbness to a traumatic experience (I don’t know your experiences with your PA or if you view anything as possibly traumatic betrayal because of them). Some folks can be so overwhelmed emotionally and mentally by a traumatic event that they shut down, turn off and not feel anything. Think of someone with any kind of physical abuse maybe an extreme example but just trying to make a point. Anyway, shutting down is not good for the traumatized person. suppression and denial can be far worse in the long run.
    If you are not feeling “traumatized” or even repeatedly betrayed over time I think it’s possible to not have those feeling/reactions. It could be easier to forgive and that doesn’t negate feeling hurt but might help to ease it. A person can be hurt and not feel the deep anger commonly associated especially after repeated betrayals and discoveries.

    Only you would know which you fall in. If you don’t feel like the later is you then there is no need to worry. There is nothing wrong with that or you. You are in a good place respectfully speaking. You don’t have to feel angry to be here and it won’t stop you from being supportive to your PA or anyone else on here, it could be quite encouraging actually.

    Positive things can come of it if both parties are making that happen. There is nothing wrong with feeling appreciation for that. Think in terms of affair recovery for example. reconciliation done in healing healthy way can create a better more loving connection, the relationship can become stronger. I believe even with PA/SA this is possible too and that is a positive thing that can come from PA.
     
  5. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    This is what I think, including, but not limited to, and it is all based purely on speculation:
    • Your youth. You can only be early in your marriage, so you haven't built the opportunity of betrayal someone of say 20 years of marriage would.
    • Your past betrayal, or lack thereof.
    • Your understanding that this is a "brain disease" instead of feeling that it is about you.
    • Your views of sexuality in general. Your views may be more liberal than they are conservative.
    • Your sexual history.
    • The current state of your marriage isn't hostile, but mutually serving one another.
    If you want to talk about specific things, let's do it. But there have been threads in the past that speak of "...positive things that come from PA..." Would you like to take the opportunity to rephrase that as "...positive things that come from the discovery/disclosure of PA..."? I think that distinction is important to the context of the conversation, and also that is what you meant by the question.

    One last thought. Do what works for you. It's not the path that causes people problems, but the obstacles in the path as they walk this journey.
     
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  6. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    It quite simply could come down to time . Time invested with the person /relationship. How you found out . How many times you found out . When you found out . The changes the PA made in your relationship over time . The less time you have with a PA , AND if they disclose. I’ve seen those dots connected to an SO’s severety of betrayal trauma . Like myself . Over 2 decades with multiple discovery days . So yes , I’d like to think my pain would be far worse than someone dating a year with no kids. Or married for a short time . But I’ve seen soooooo many women here that maybe are only a year in and in just as much pain as I am . Maybe it’s the personal makeup of the SO ? I’m an empath and FEEL every feeling strongly . Happiness , sadness etc . I guess the only positive of this is , I’m getting to a point of strength that I didn’t know I had . We are working TOGETHER to heal EVERY part of what the porn addiction has done to him , myself , us , finally 18 months after DDAY #2 . I hope that answered your questions? This is MY experience. I would and could never judge an SO for her feelings in the experience of being with a PA/SA . I’m so glad you didn’t have an ounce of accusatory tone in your post . We sometimes see what you wrote in a very different way , that makes myself and other SO feeling like we are in the wrong , or doing it wrong xoxo
    I hope your SO remains honest , communicative and transparent ALWAYS . That is more often than not , the case .
     
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  7. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Oh ! To add ! Ive also seen the same person write what you did but in an attack on fellow SO , to only come back a few short months later singing an angry bitter tune . I know my betrayal trauma hit HARD AND FAST ! Some SO most definitely have months of reflection than bam I’m pissed . Just saying this because if this does indeed happen to you I want you to know that that too is normal !! Everything will be your normal, whatever that looks like for you , in whatever stages .
     
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  8. Mary Major

    Mary Major Fapstronaut

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    Rephrased as you are correct!

    As for everything else you've said, it makes sense. I've felt for a long time that our marriage is great, the only area lacking is/was sex.

    I guess I'm worried that because I wan't my marriage to work I've blocked it out to an extent. I'm not sure if that makes sense.
     
  9. Mary Major

    Mary Major Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your reply, I do get moments of doubt and I get moments of fear but they don't preoccupy my thoughts as much as they used to.

    I've had a think about it and I think it actually comes down other things that have happened in my life. The TLDR: physical and emotional abuse through childhood from my mother. I've been through so much therapy and I'm in therapy for this also, maybe I've just become more resilient than I gave myself credit for. Which is nice to find out, but I would have rather found out in a different manner..
     
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  10. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Makes perfect sense . Until it absolutely CANT because you start to really value your worth and your self . We choose what we want to see
     
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  11. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    See , most SO don’t go to therapy UNTIL we literally HAVE to go . Neither of us have anything significant in our childhoods to cause Us to have to go to therapy before this . Maybe that’s it for you then , you are already ahead with tools etc ;)
    I had none .
     
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  12. Mary Major

    Mary Major Fapstronaut

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    This is kinda what I was getting at. I think I was expecting that what you've described here to be my reaction as that's what I've done in the past when faced with trauma. I've come to the conclusion that all the therapy I've done .. worked.
     
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  13. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    It does. Based on what you've said thus far, I don't think that is the case with you unless you're holding back something you're not saying. I'm cautiously optimistic because I know how this disease is "cunning, baffling, and powerful (Look up the Ottawa Promises). Make quite certain you keep your guard up, go ahead and create your Boundaries & Consequences and execute them, for they are not for his punishment, but for your protection. These are so so important. Some of the brightest women in the world are easily manipulated by their trusted Partners; because they trust them. The last thing I want to happen to you is to fall victim to being patronized by his actions.
     
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  14. Mary Major

    Mary Major Fapstronaut

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    Boundaries have never been my strong point but if there was ever a time to get good at maintaining boundaries it's now..
     
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  15. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Knock yourself out! Start right here right now!

    BOUNDARIES & CONSEQUENCES

    UPDATED: 2018.10.1

    SOME SIMPLE RULES

    1. Apply the KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid) principle to your Boundaries & Consequences. They need to be short, concise, and to the point.
    2. Be specific and don’t be ridiculous in your expectations. If your Partner has a history of Sexual Addiction, Pornography Addiction, Lying, or any other acts of betrayal, these are all contributors to the addiction. They WILL NOT simply just go away because you created and enforced a set of Boundaries & Consequences. There is a very high probability that your Partner WILL slip up as their addiction has more control over them than they do their addiction. As such, you can anticipate some level of Boundary crossing to occur. Be prepared for that in your Consequences.
    3. Make it a formalized process and discuss and disclose your Boundaries and Consequences so that your Partner has an opportunity to follow them.

    BOUNDARIES

    Keep your Boundaries at a half dozen or so. You don’t want to overwhelm your Partner any more than they already are or is absolutely necessary because they are already overwhelmed. Your Partner can make some too, but no more than a dozen total and preferably somewhat equal between you.

    Boundaries should always be Objective. That is, they must always be defined in such a way that there is absolutely, positively, no way to misinterpret the Boundary or the spirit of the meaning of it. Any subjectivity allows the abuser to create their own interpretation as an excuse to circumvent the Boundary.

    When it comes to your Boundaries, you are the judge, jury, and executioner. They are not subject to interpretation, determination or negotiation, nor are you unless you so choose otherwise.

    This is a sample list of Boundaries (These would be my top picks)

    1. No Lying. Don’t make me have to explain to you what a lie is. (This is #1 for a reason)
    2. No PMO, or any combination thereof.
    3. No Gaslighting.
    4. No Secrets that have any potential influence or impact on me.
    5. No Infidelity. Don’t make me have to explain to you what infidelity is.
    6. No Apathy meaning don’t ignore your role in your recovery and don’t make me have to explain to you what that is. (I find this to be one of the single most important ones, yet no one seems to list it as one)

    Additionally, other people have used these:

    · No using Partner to Masturbate
    · No Pornography Substitutes (P-Subs)
    · No edging
    · No erotic texting or Sexting, or electronic correspondence of a sexual nature
    · No CD/DVD/VHS or any other media containing pornographic images or videos
    · No objectification or ogling other women
    · No books, magazines, or other material of an erotic nature of any kind
    · If you have a slipup, relapse, of any kind, you must notify me within 24 hours
    · No Applications (Apps) whose intended purpose is to disguise inappropriate material.
    · No social media, including but not limited to, Facebook, Kik, Tumblr, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, et al.
    · No Incognito Mode on any browser or deleting any history in whole or in part
    · No Deep Web and No Dark Web, including TOR Brows er of any kind
    · No News Groups or Internet Relay Chat
    · No Hookup Sites, Dating Sites, Ashley Madison, Tender, et al for the purpose of of getting together which may include, but is not limited to, Craigslist
    · No circumventing Blocker Apps or Reporting Apps, parental controls, WiFi restrictions, Proxy Servers, or anything else designed to monitor your electronic media activities
    · No touching me, grabbing me, groping me
    · No fantasizing
    · No strip clubs, adult novelty stores, or adult magazine sections in any store
    · No cameras, video recording devices, hidden or visual, at any time
    · No perpetual cycles of relaps/reset
    · No indulging in any fetishes of any kind
    · No testing
    · No begging, renegotiating, or pleading boundaries in a state of consequences
     
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  16. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Yes, a lot of what Qnb said. I've was with him 16 years when I found out about the PA and we have kids. I was incredibly angry at first, and then he changed, and then we had what I would call a "honeymoon period" after. Things were great, I was feeling closer to him than I had in years, we were having tons of closeness, intimacy, and sex. More than we had ever had. This lasted for a few months, yes I had pain, but because of all his changes I was able to be happy with the progress and the new things in our marriage.
    Then more information about the past would come out, things I didn't know, it seemed like every few weeks and that would make the healing harder. Then at times he was still lying about things, and the lying is the worst part of all this so that would set me off and trust is such a huge thing to lose in a marriage. You don't even realize how much that matters until it isn't there.
    After a lot of that, I think I just put up a wall. He kept causing me pain and eventually I just don't want to feel it. I've been in that mindset since about April and it sucks. I really want to not feel like this but I feel in a rut.
    Anyway, just giving another example of why we can seem so bitter, so far out. I was happy at one point after DDay but it just didn't last.
     
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2018 at 11:07 PM
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