I even had breast implants to fix his addiction. Epic fail, my story! :(

My story in brief:
I met my partner when I was young,(he's ten years older than me) and thought nothing of the fact he looked at porn for up to six hours a day when we where casually dating. After 2 years though I moved across the country to live with him and he gradually withdrew from any sexual activity with me, he explained I had gained weight and he had a preference for the shape of porn stars now. Over the next year I had several cosmetic operations and transformed myself through bitter low self esteem and the need to be loved by him. (I had always had eating disorders before I met him, so although this sounds extreme, his porn addiction and my body issues worked together to make a mess of my life and a lot of issues)
After looking like a girl in the movies I became really unhappy and had a breakdown, it wasn't giving me the love I thought, (he wouldn't have sex with me at all) and I felt my life was moving in the wrong direction. I wasn't really this person. Not only that My partners porn addiction he had run up a 2 k sex call phone bill at work and it was effecting every aspect of our life as I never saw him and when I do he wanted me to leave so he could "unwind!" Which always ment being alone with porn. I put my foot down and
He went into therapy and insisted he was over it. But I found out later he lied and was having a email affair (?) with a woman at his new job. This progressed into meeting up but he told me it never went further. (This may be true as he has a hang up about his body and says he didn't want to disappoint her). I put faith in him and we began to be like a couple again.
A few years later, porn started again and we tried couple therapy. I found out during about another internet affair (another work college) and he spoke at length about me still not looking how he needed me to look to have sex with me Instead of porn. The therapist was rather brutal and described me as looking like a blow up doll and told him he had many control issues. We worked at therphy and I decided to take some control back and leave him, so I had my implants removed and started dressing how I always wanted. I wanted to walk away from him as he found I couldn't ever be the porn star he wanted. It's hard to cope knowing your not can't compete, and I didn't think I'd ever be enough. I was only 29 and had felt I could start to live my life as me again.
He changed a lot and seemed to adore me as the real me. I was really shocked! He told me for the first time in his life he wasn't looking at me comparing me to his fantasy. Our sex life became amazing, he quit computers, mobile phones and we had a normal life. Two years later
We had a baby, very happy for several more years until he lost his job and the addiction was back, I had brought him a pc after he begged and wanted to play a new mmo! Well it was to tempting and again he sought more therphy, this time with a speclist porn addiction lady, who also said he was addicted to mmos. (He would play it for 12 hours at the weekend) so it all stopped.

Last week I (one year on) found he was looking at porn again, this time on his work phone (we have parental controls which he asked me to add but they don't effect his work phone) he risked his job which shocked me, as he's very career minded! He told me there are locks on his phone. He works for a bank and every thing he does can be traced.
I'm upset as I've been supportive and had approached him and assured him he could talk to me about this any time, I'm not crazy, don't shout or belittle him, just want him to understand that when he's like his he withdraws and I need him to share his feeling with me.
he would never mess up now he had a baby, and wanted more children with me, very assuring and always laughing if I asked if he felt tempted. All lies now.
When I caught him he was looking at porn in our toddlers bedroom, she was asleep but he was jerking of while looking at a women in beach wear (sheer) on the floor at the bottom of her bed in the dark. (She had woken and it was his turn to check her, but she went back to sleep and he used the opportunity to act. )
I'm upset he did this while in her room more then I am that he is looking at it again. He told me he's been looking porn while she's in the same room fir around 6 months and he's weak and can't stop, He assured me , oh she can't see it and it's normal for porn addiction.
Can someone help? I've done so much and I don't think I can take enough round in this boxing ring.
He told me the therphy doesn't fix him and it's my fault as he can't always talk to me as I'm recovering from a serouse illness. (True but I'm not dying and improve so much and should be healthy by Xmas ) he told me it was to deal with me being sick at first, as he cant burden me when I need to recover (he thought it would help me in the long term!) but now he says it's for pleasure and he feels it's his time and he deserves it (as he has had to help a lot while I get better in the house and with childcare.) He says he doesn't think he can stop but it means nothing, that it leaves him feeling empty but he doesn't know what to when as he cant deal with lifes situations and his other therphist didn't fix him) and wondered if we could look at porn together as a compromise to stop it being secret and to liberate me, from feeling isolated. I wouldn't mind doing this if it helps but I some how wonder if it will make things worse? I'm also really scared that he looked at porn in our little girls room. (Though he said he would only play then go into the bathroom to orgasuim and usually he cant, as to tired and it porn rarely excited him it's the diversion that's the key) the porn he was looking at was actually real life women instead of fantasy women so he felt that it was safe and it wouldn't hurt me as he only looked at older women ect.
Then he broke down told me he's destroying his life told me wants to kill himself if I leave him.
And said he wants to try therapy again.

Ps sorry for typos and spelling, I'm up 24 hours straight and feel like a zombie.

 

Thank you so much, it's so comforting to not be sitting here alone.
I think the last therphist he saw helped a lot because she specialised in porn addiction, (she wanted me to come along for one session to help assure me it's not personal but my husband wanted to end the sessions for costs reasons and felt he honestly was cured, I wish now I had gone along.) He saw her around 7 times .He said he learnt his patterns while there. It was something along these lines.
-I'm scared/stressed/tired/not in controle.
-I need to escape!
-porn distracts me
-I'm safe
-I'm distracted
-I fixed the problem
-I'm ashamed I looked at this
-replete.

Or if you asked me, (though I agree with the above I think it can some times go like this too)
-I'm resentful about a, b or c
-I deserve a treat! (He's used this line)
-it doesn't hurt anyone I can do as I please! (And thus)
-porn mellows my anger so I'll do this and it will help my wife, as I won't be angry.(this too)
-I'm distracted/safe/escape
-I feel anixity
-replete

Anyway, he said now (at the time)he knows where things go wrong, he can always control it by talking to me. He has the tools to speak to me and that's his cure.

Problem is, when I got seriously sick, i couldn't talk to him.

I feel it's a huge responsibly for me to be his focus in this. If I cant talk to him and calm him he will seek porn, (this is exhausting) and I'm not sure it's healthy for any of us. Please can you tell me if this is usual?
I'm not sure I'm able to be this strong perfect women who can fix all his fears. It's to much. I just want to take my fake guard down and for it to be ok, for me not to want to be this mother figure to him. I'm lonely and have been thinking a lot lately about how sick I was, I could not walk for many months almost lost everything! It made me think that life is amazing, there is so much to live for.
Then I have the guilty thought creep in that Is this watching/helping/try to make him happy... (Finally?)! really living? I'm lost. I feel so exhausted. Am on a ton of medication and laying at 8 am not resting not healing but shaking in fear.

I confess I tried looking at porn with him after before, He really felt it was the solution to all our issues. But soon he wanted porn to be part of every sexual encounter and became hurt when I casually looked at it alone. (I actually was looking at it to try to find some thing he may like, in advance as I felt under a ton of pressure to find good stuff or he would seek it alone) I'm glad it's not adviced, though I never saw him react with that amount of focus ever in bed. It hurt me because it reminded me of how having Sex was before I met him.(with other bfs) A guys focus and glazed expression while watching me making me feel like the centre of there world was so beautiful. I've only had that with my husband when we used porn while being me at the same time, and of course that look, that expression of pleasure was directed at my iPhone while I was kind of , well, of use but not there in his mind. I wish it could be me.

It's really helpful what you said about the non hardcore stuff being a trigger, this helps me understand a lot more. Since he started reading a lot of sex questions in on line news papers and looking at a lot of papers that shame slutty outfits. I didn't tell him to stop as I can't be his police man. He needs freedom to look at something without always a lecture. I thought in comparison it was ok.

He seemed to be doing so well not needing porn. I think my illness was a big trigger which was why I was so vigilant in being supportive and approaching him tactfully about it making a come back. I do wish he could of told me then, that would ment so much to me.

To be honest I feel like I spent the last 13 years supporting him with all his baggage and trying to make him love me, and himself.
It seems like the moment things go hard for me, for the first time (since I'm always the strong one) and I needed it just to be about me for once, he bailed by going back to porn.

I can't see this addiction is anything less then selfish. This timing is the worst ever.

Is that harsh?

 

Thank you so much all, thus advice is so greatly received!

A few last questions.

As a p addict should it be my job to monitor his computer /phone: Internet usage? I'm tired of it and the horrible feeling in my gut each time I'm supost to check up on him makes me dread it. I confess I oftan don't check history ect I want to believe with freedom he will do the right thing. Some times I think it's best to ban everything!
Since this latest addiction comes from the risky use of work mobile though I cannot check it , any advice? he told me he can't ever be trusted ever but needs to keep his phone or get fired. He even said if his job mobile doesn't count what he looks at as porn, it isn't! (It is) and it would block if that was an issue.
2) the looking in porn in our daughters room, Is this a typical porn addict trait? Or extreme even for this addiction? (Found out he went in there oftan as it was calming and private and he often would sleep in the chair in there afterwards.
3) is group therapy better? Or do I need to just step backward and stop trying to help. I know he lied to his new therapist today as he returned telling me he told her he was watching game of thrones and I overreacted. It's messed up. Nothing like the truth.
(Ps we've never even watched that show ever!) when I asked him why he sad that, he said it was the truth in a way and she agreed With him he didn't have a sevear addiction.
I want to arrange our own sex addiction therphist (a male as I think this would help) and he thinks I'm trying to control his recovery.
Thanks again fur your help.

 

Thanks again everyone for your replies.

Though it doesn't change the facts, there are a few details that I left out about his using our child's bedroom as a way of hiding out. I thought I would mention them incase I've given the impression he was solely using this as a hide out.
The first , is over the past few months he's gradually moved into our toddlers room, sleeping on the chair. (It's a long chair we used when she was a colicy baby to take turns sleeping on) Two reasons for this are she's been very unsettled and frequent trips into her room woke me at the height of my treatment (when I'd oftan be extremely weak) the doctors actually adviced is that sleep during this time should be as long and frequent as possible; second my partners snoring was keeping me awake and my oxergen machine was keeping him awake. So gradually he started sleeping in the chair in her room, as a purely tempary mesure. After some time (4 weeks) when ever he would go to settle her early evening he would usually fall asleep in the chair while waiting for her to settle (I usually come up to but can't always walk) so her room started to be refers to by my husband as "his room". He's clothes, shoes bits and bobs all gradually moved in there while I was really sick as he didn't want to wake me in the morning ether. So there for this was his room in his mind. In total this went on for two months. I mentioned moving but I still have an oxergen machine and the spare room is having work done on it so it made Sence to wait. (Around this time was when he started using porn a lot - but more in the later)
tonight he told me that looking at porn was never done when she was awake and he would forget she was in the room. He said he honestly didn't do this as oftan as I think and was to exhausted to do a sexual reaction, he said he just wanted to stop laying there wondering if tomorrow I would die.
He's moved out of our toddlers room and says he can't believe he was doing some thing so wrong without knowing. He broke down and told me he is in shock that he even saw that as OK, but addiction makes you find justifications. (Or its only swim wear, but I'd never orgasuim in this room, I can't see her it's dark, I'll hide under my covers ect)
He said his addiction is destroying everything worth anything.
When he looked at it on other occasions he said she was present but this never involed mastibation. She would be watching tv and he might glance at it, while popping into the kitchen claiming he was making a coffee, or he'd sit up the table but could see her through the door so she wasn't left unsupervised. if he felt the need he went into the wc to jerk of, which he said took only a minute then he washed his hands and carried on.
I'm not sure if that changes things or if it makes more Sence. The porn he was looking at was mostly suggestive and naked women, he could not get his work mobile to let him see hardcore porn. (Again, not the point but less creepy I suppose)

Anyway he came and spoke to me tonight to tell me had decided to see a male sex addiction therapist and told me that he was slacking with the other lady trying to give himself an easy time, and that now He sees that putting a plaster over his porn addiction and it always comes back that way,

I told him I'm tired by him making me the his warrior who fixed all is messing up my life. He told me he never ment that to happen, at some point he started to rely on me soley instead of porn to cope with life. He told me I must understand he really thought I would die and the panic he felt, when I am the one who fixes and supports him was pushing him to needing a way to escape.

It is possible I could of died from my illness but my chances of recovery was given to us at 92%. when I was so sick I couldn't move my legs or arms for a period (the dieases had temp paralysed them ) I spoke of killing myself (just a split second stupid thought, I rarely would ever expose such scary information to my highly strung husband, and it was dumb- But at that moment, being paralysed by a dieases and trapped for months in a bed alone, and he looked at me so kindly and asked me what reality was for my health as I didn't seem to be getting better as fast as we hoped - these thoughts mess with you and are out before you know it. anyway it seems he really thought I would do it. He started crying and shaking and trying to hug me when he recalled it. He was a mess.

I told him I feel we are not likely to be the same or maybe even a couple after this (and when I recover from my illness) I feel we may need to go our separate ways. So much has changed. How can we ever Realiy be happy in this situation of destruction, both effected for different reasons. I'm so greatful for the support he gave me while I was unwell, that's 2 years or pushing ones stress buttons, (we did not know what was wrong with me for the first 18 months) we also moved house, he changed job.. I mean wow, what else stressful things can there be.
but I can't see a future with someone I can't trust? And we did this so many times already.
He cried, I cried and he told me it was up to him now to prove himself and if I left him he knows that it would be his fault. told me he was sorry. He told me about the evening he noticed I wanted to talk and he withdrew by looking at porn in the bathroom or spending the whole evening on a computer game. He said he remembers every time I tried to sure him and tried to get him to open up, but he though in his head- I've got this under control and rejected me like a idote.
He told me that I'll never know how beautiful I am and how pointless porn is in comparison. He's sorry he messed my head up so much. He told me he was very happy with me and his life and when I got sick he honestlycouldn't cope. He had no one to talk to as he wanted to be my hero who took care of me. He said in reality he just kept thinking I wouldn't be there and he panicked, I'm the one who fixes everything , I'm the one he talks to, I'm the only reason to not push self destruct. If I died what did his job matter? So he risked his job to look at porn and blank it out. He assured me that had not messed up for a year before this had no reason to lie now and told me he never expected his addiction to take over so quickly. He said he can't be trusted with any computers and would feel happy if I'd agree to put stronger software on his pc. But I can't take his phone away he will loose his job! He need to work evenings and his phone lets him see his email. He told me he'd call IT and see if he could some how have his Google app blocked.
He has a journey to go on. He told me he hoped my own won't take me to far from him.

That's how we left it for now.

 

Ps sorry for my typos , I'm still a zombie

 

thanks I'm going to make a new post asking for more advice about current situation.