I don't want to be the "vegetables"

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Susannah, Dec 8, 2018 at 5:43 PM.

  1. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    My husband is at the very beginning of his recovery from nearly life-long porn/ogling/masturbation/flirting/etc. He is a smart man who seems sincere about wanting to change, but he is in his 60s and has been practicing these behaviors a LONG time. I love him and want him to have relief from the debilitating emotional pain he says is at the root of his problems. I am committed to supporting him if I can.

    But I am troubled. You’d think I would be worried about the abysmally low success rate at kicking these habits, and I am….but I’m also fairly discouraged about what to expect if he succeeds.

    Based on a lot of what I read here and elsewhere, it sounds as if the best I can probably hope for is that my husband, through years of therapy and a lifelong commitment to torturous effort and mindfulness, will eventually decide that he can stomach being with me instead of the young girls he prefers. He will try desperately, and if we’re lucky, succeed in convincing himself that, even though he wants dessert (them), he really likes vegetables (me) because vegetables are healthier for him.

    So he’ll be healthier, but what about me? Is it my highest aspiration to be someone he has to torture his mind into wanting? What if I don’t want to be the vegetables?

    Is there something I am missing? Any words of encouragement for wives?
     
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  2. ThatMagnetMan

    ThatMagnetMan Fapstronaut

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    Test him, see if he's committed. If he truly loves you then you're the dessert not the veggies
     
  3. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    Am about your husbands age
    and find by not watching P
    That my mind is adjusting
    and normalizing.

    Leaving my Porn mind aside now
    it will remain there in me.
    I avoid feeding its habit,
    Everyday,
    keeps it,
    if not dormant,
    In perspective.

    My new path is:
    my commitment to my SO
    Along with my recovery work.

    You are not
    vegetable,
    desert,
    Nor meat.

    You are in relationship
    As I am with my SO.
    When we get together,
    I try to be present.

    It’s all so new and sometimes
    I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

    I bought some therapy things from the John Gottman institute to work together with her.

    Also, “Got sex” is a streaming video program that we will open together on Christmas...or sooner.

    From which I hope to learn
    more of each other.

    I could be wrong,
    But that’s my take.
     
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2018 at 6:34 PM
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  4. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Welcome Young Lady,
    Your commit to support is more than you know. I'm glad that you love him and glad you want him to have relief from the debilitating emotional pain. This as a great support for him in his recovery endeavor.

    Oh, that's very troubling. What I find troubling is your attitude "...stomach being with me..." Listen, he loves you and tells you so does he not? This pornography thing? It's a disease. It affects his mind like a tumor affects pancreatic cancer. He is sick. You are entited to worry about whatever troubles you. I do get it. But don't let your heart be troubled. Yes, this journey takes time. Yes, he will likely fail along the way. And Yes, he will get back up, and go at it again. That's OK. It's progress, not perfection. But here is the beauty of it all. When someone embraces and goes through the recovery process, as they heal their brain, they also lose interest in the unreal (fake airbrushed digital images of the beautifully sculpted women) and gain interest in the real (you)! Yes, that's what happens. As his addiction fades, his intimacy, if he embraces it, will overwhelm you. Honestly, if you stand back and look at your relationship objectively, you've been together for what is almost certainly, forever by today's standards. So, I think you're reading a little too much into some of what you are reading here. And pay no attention to those who have nothing but negativity to say about it all. I personally know plenty of success stories, and I also know plenty that didn't. Of those that didn't, by and large, it was the man who decided they weren't willing to put forth the effort or their addiction had so much control over them, they hadn't reached "Rock Bottom" yet. If he wants it, he'll get it. And if you're there for him, you'll be the first thing his new brain sees. Stick with it. You'll be fine.
    Give yourself a little more credit than a vegetable. A Peach maybe (Think about that one)? Those girls you refer to as "...dessert (them)..."? They are not real and will disappear from him like a fart in a whirlwind. His propensity to seek them will diminish greatly as he heals. You will be dessert! Look at yourself as "dessert".
    You have some of your own self-discovery and self-esteem issues to deal with. What about you? Don't expect him to be happy with you if first you aren't happy with yourself. You'd do well to read "Betrayal Bond" by Dr. Patrick Carnes. Remember, you're not the vegetable. You're dessert!
    So how's that? Encouraged enough?
     
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2018 at 7:54 AM
  5. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    This is exactly how I feel... like he has to FORCE himself to want me instead of porn. I hate it. I want to be the crowned jewel, the apple of his eye, his desire. I don't want to be vegitables either. My husband is trying very hard also, but it's just such a horrible fate for us SO's to settle for being their "healthy choice"... I want him to lust ME... like ONLY me.... and it's such an insult... he says that no, it's not forcing himself... that I AM who he desires....but it's really hard to believe when 1. He lies. and 2. I've been here all along, but he has repeatedly gone to porn... I'm so jealous of wives of healthy husbands that have always only desired them. :(
     
  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Agree.... If I'm chocolate... Like, why do I catch him staring at anyone who's half my age?
    Or.... In a low cut top?
    Even 3 years later?
    ????
    I don't want to be carrots anymore...
    How do I become somebodys candy?
    I'm clearly not his..
    Unless..
    Do I like... Have to disrespect myself to get "on the level"?
    Will I have to go get plastic surgery?
    Dye my hair?
    Maybe makeup?
    Change my clothes?
    Seriously.... What is it???
    Why am I... Not enough?
     
  7. Penelope

    Penelope Fapstronaut

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    I often wonder the same. Last time I changed my profile photo on fb, I said to him, maybe I should put the titts out like 90% of your friends, maybe I will also look hot then. He did not like that at all, and mumbled something like, no no that is not what you need. Then why the fuck do you go stare at their pictures and drool over them?? Seriously, while all the guys are looking for that "greener grass" and crankin their necks over some girl on the street, someone is doing that over their women. Sooner or later, all us "vegetables" will actually realise that we are someone's dessert, big time. And it might just be too late for our men to understand their mistake. Much love to all you girls.
     
  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Yeah.... Maybe I'll try to be street corn... That looks fancy... Or a LA mango...
     
  9. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Candy Corn
     
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  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Lol
     
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  11. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    OK, I'll bite and give you some specifics...
    Starting with what I don't want:
    • I don't want you to get breast augmentation or breast implants or boob job or whatever you want to call it
    • I don't want a buttocks augmentation or butt lift or Brazilian Butt Lift or whatever you want to call it
    • I don't want liposuction on your stomach, your buttocks, or your thighs
    • I don't want any buttox (spelled that way deliberately) injections
    • No eyebrow lifts, No face lifts, or any other facial plastic surgery short of cosmetically necessary in the event of disfiguration from either accident or disease and only to the extent it makes you feel better about yourself
    • No Tummy Tucks (My wife got one, and she had very good reason as some of you know), but certainly not for vanity reasons
    • I do not want you to lose weight for my sake, but your own physical health and well being
    • I do not want you to gain weight for my sake, but your own physical health and well being
    • I don't want you to change your hair color or do anything that takes away from your natural beauty unless it makes you feel better about yourself. Do not do it for my sake, for I love you just the way you are

    And for what I do want...
    • I want you to go get routine physical exams that include gynecology and breast exams. Take good care of your health
    • I want you to wear makeup when we're out, and only if you want to when we're not. I want you to feel good about yourself and look nice (Speaking of makeup, I don't want you to look like a clown, and I certainly don't want you to look like Tammy Faye Baker, for I would never be able to get the smudges off my clothes (Guess you have to be old enough to understand that one))
    • I want you to take care of your nails. I hate, I loathes, mismatched chipped fingernails and toenails. It looks tacky and it looks horrible. Get your pedicures and manicures or take it off. It's worth every cent invested
    • I want you to always stay hygienically clean (Keep every orifice clean, and that includes your mouth, PTA (don't ask if you don't know), and the Va-JJ! Always keep these things clean every day, and if necessary, multiple times a day. I'm not talking about if you're working out in the garden, taking a jog, or aerobics. I'm talking about your normal everyday lives.
    • Smell nice. That is, deodorant, perfume that doesn't nauseate me or everyone else around us, and your other body parts
    • Shave! Pit hair is a royal turn off and has to go. Leg hair is something I don't care much for either. If you choose to have pubic hair, maintain it.
    • Dress nicely; like you're trying to impress someone. When you look nice, it exudes confidence and beauty and class
    • Act like a human being, treat people like you want to be treated, and don't be that bitch
    • Always come to bed naked and ready to play whether we play or not. All that other stuff from Victoria Secret? Leave it there unless it turns you on
    • Keep our house (and that doesn't mean you are solely responsible for it. It means we are not expected to pick up after one another and doesn't mean we can't. It means it isn't an expectation.)
    • Do something productive, and don't sit around the house all day doing nothing
    • Let's have intelligent conversation, engage in intimacy, and explore one another
    • Let's sit down and snuggle on the sofa, put another log on the fire, some wine, cheese, and crackers, or popcorn, and watch "It's a Wonderful Life" together
    That's just a quick list. The point is, we either love you the way you are with reasonable expectations or we should let you go and move on. I think your pursuit of happiness should come first as should mine. I learned the hard way my SO was what I wanted/needed. It's also why it really bugs the shit out of me to watch you women, for all you do for your Partner, for them to take it so lightly and for granted. We should never take you for granted, for one day, your grace for our bullshit will run out. I love all of you that work so damned hard for your relationships! It speaks volumes for your character.
     
  12. Mordobarn

    Mordobarn Fapstronaut

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    Chocolate… carrots… fruit… vegetables…

    Um, don't you think that this metaphor is unhelpful?

    Women aren't food for men to eat.

    What if we were to change the metaphor?

    What other metaphor could we choose?

    How about thinking of you as an equal?
    Peas in a pod (OK, that one's food, but it's not about eating you).
    Pieces in a jigsaw puzzle.
    Flowers in a bed.
    Links in a chain.

    When I have a partner, I want her to be my equal. My partner.

    I wonder if you could demand that from your man?
     
  13. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    No. @Susannah originated this thread. She used it as her metaphor. We chose to expend on her metaphor. What's wrong with it?

    EDIT: Changed "Yes" to "No" to correct my mistake.
     
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2018 at 6:28 PM
  14. Mordobarn

    Mordobarn Fapstronaut

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    I didn't say that it's wrong. I said that it's unhelpful. It positions her as an uncompetitive choice for her husband to decide, where she has no say. It disempowers her.
     
  15. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Really? How so? We're only expanding on her reference to it in her original post. I just don't understand where you're coming from.
     
  16. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    I wonder if the question is really a search for intimacy?

    Newness and novelty are just that.

    Sex addiction tries to sub addiction for intimacy maybe?

    Hard to be intimate with a brownie.

    They taste good though.
     
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  17. Mordobarn

    Mordobarn Fapstronaut

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    Sorry, @GhostWriter , I'm unsure how else to word it.

    We frame our beliefs and actions through the power of our words, and when we choose words that remove our power, it makes it more difficult.
     
  18. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Damnit, I said "YES", and I meant to say "NO" to this:
    I was answering it as if it said "...Um, don't you think that this metaphor is helpful?..." instead of "...unhelpful..."

    Sorry for that misquote!
     
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  19. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    Lost in the bakery terms.

    @Susannah
    I hope part of the recovery process is yours to heal and find safety,
    purpose and meaning from here on out wherever that is for you.

    I buy See’s candy ‘cause
    my SO wants it.

    If I have to smear her
    with Dark Chocolate frosting
    So be it.
     
  20. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    OMG, the Toffee Nut? That is a weakness for sure!
     
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