I don't want to be a nag...

I struggle with this very thing myself so I look forward to hearing from the more experienced couples on walking that line between firm expectation, incessant nagging, and giving too much slack. I also wonder how much it differs from married couples vs. dating couples.

I wish you the best of luck in figuring out your own line. Take care. You are not alone. Hugs!!!

 

He needs to understand that part of getting better doesn't only involve getting rid of P and M. Addicts learn to clothe themselves in secrecy and deception. It's a security blanket that prevents others from seeing what's inside and protects them from being judged. Addicts build a wall around themselves to keep others outside and keep themselves inside with their addiction. That wall needs to come down by communicating with someone - a therapist, an AP, or you.

An addict who tries to stop on their own is like a surgeon that tries to perform surgery on himself. There is too many mental pitfalls and traps associated with addiction that will try to draw him back in by looking for compromises. The more he tells his story the less power his addiction will have over him.

There other methods of communication that don't require speaking. Can he write a journal, write a letter to you, play music, or create art to help facilitate bringing out his inner thoughts a feelings? Has he had trouble in the past communicating any of his feelings? Did he grow up in an environment where he couldn't express himself freely? Is he scared or does he lack the vocabulary to talk? Progress cannot be made in secret without any help. An addict needs to be pushed and challenged otherwise they will slip back into their porn coma and give up. They need relearn skills that may have grown dormant while in the depths of his addiction.

 

Hello!
Your SO sounds alot like how my SO used to be. My guys distance thing is his ADD partly, however, the other part is/was his addict side. They don't know how to empathize anymore and that can make it difficult for us. Especially when we want to be supportive.
If you are looking for suggestions, I could ramble a bunch on here, but I do have a journal called A New Hope and the first couple of entries might be useful. I_wanna_get_better1 is very insightful with his suggestions and I know my SO has taken one or two (if not more) of what he's said and put it into daily practice on my thread. Its been very helpful.

It's great that he's trying to keep his hands from being idle, but that's not going to be a fix.
PA isn't a thing that can be fixed quickly or easily.
I'm sure he's probably overwhelmed, but admitting he's got a problem is the first step!
*The lying will always be the hardest part to deal with.
(if it doesn't stop, nothing else will)
Honesty is KEY.
He doesn't just need to fix his addiction, he needs to repair your relationship. Rebuild trust.

This forum is a great place.
We are all here to help each other.
Hope you have a better day!

 

This is part of the reason why an addict needs to be part of a group. Alcoholics go to AA, drug addicts need NA, people who lose weight join weight watchers or a gym. He needs to be around people who have 'been there and done that'. I know once I joined NoFap I no longer felt like a freak. There are people here who get what it's like to fight addiction. I'm sure you are a wonderful listener, but to your SO you are a non-addict. There are certain things that you cannot help him with... or he may not allow you to help him. But there are other things that you are uniquely qualified to do once he lets you in.

Is your SO a reader? I was very confused about why I behaved the way I did until a read a book by Craig Nakken. It's a short, no frills book that talks about what all addictions have in common. It doesn't single out Porn/Sex addiction which might be good because he might not get defensive if he reads it. It's called 'The Addictive Personality: Understanding the Addictive Process and Compulsive Behavior.' I saw myself in everything he wrote. I frequently refer to this book when giving advice.

 

What if you give him an ultimatum? One of the strategies for an alcoholic who does not listen to others is an intervention, when loved ones confront the person, the idea is to get the person to realize they have a problem when other measures failed. Eg, you could tell him that as he is not dealing with the issue, you are going to tell other family. As it sounds very much like he is trying to brush it under the rug. He is comfortable how things are, and if you allow him to continue like this, he can continue as is.

A completely opposite strategy, more from eastern philosophy, would be to allow him to be the way that he is. EDIT below.

 

Good for you!
Stand up for yourself!
You got this!
You can't make them change!
You can be the change you want to see in the world!
The best thing I EVER heard - -
"you are the author of your story"
So if you don't like it, change it.
They write their story.
Everyone writes their own.
Sometimes it matches and you share chapters with people who will come and go, but other times, you have to write people out.
Don't let anyone take your pen
Sometimes it takes being bold, to get where you need to go.
Keep moving forward.
I wish you the very best.

 

Sorry, I mis-wrote that statement above. The idea is, as you and Jolie have pointed out, that it might not be possible to change someone else, but you can change your reaction to what is happening. So eg, you could allow your anger and frustration to be there, or you could just let it go, but you would not hold onto it, or justify it. And by changing your reaction to what is happening, you are able to deal with the situation better and take the right actions.

 

I think there is a difference in how a SO reacts when the couple is married versus unmarried. Bottom line is there are more entanglements with marriage and there may be children with or without marriage. The level of commitment usually dictates how much the SO will tolerate. But so does the SO's self esteem, personality, etc. At first when I found out PMO was the cause of my partners DE I asked him to stop. He agreed he would totally. On occasion he would reaffirm it but I admit I did not ask him about it a lot. It was not because I felt I was a nag but because I had no reason not to trust him, I took him at his word. I would bring it up when sex did not work and as I found out later he was lying the whole time. I believe not "nagging" was to my detriment. But since he had not lied I had no reason to. Now I nag away. I asked him to check in with me daily and reaffirm he is not PMOing. I ask him to report his urges or if he is struggling, etc. At first he fought me hard on this and was a complete jerk about it. But then I think he realized that I would indeed leave him and that he needed to do something to rebuild my trust. Now he tells me without me asking and said he will tell me until I tell him to stop. As others have mentioned part of addiction recovery is honesty and openness. There is no way a SO can heal if the addict is not 100 percent honest and answers whatever questions you have. He needs to do so without being angry or defensive and that's going to take some time but it needs to come. You in return need to ask for what you need. Do it calmly or with a counselor and set a plan in place. He does not know what you need and how much you want to know. Some addicts on here fight full disclosure hard, but my belief is that you must tell your SO whatever she needs to hear or the relationship will never recovery and he will continue to live in shame and lies. Asking for what you need is not nagging.