I don't want this, not today Porn. Not ever.

So I'm sat here after a cold shower with some thoughts running through my head. I broke my streak 3 days ago of 10 days. I'm over that now, but all of a sudden the tricks all come rushing back to me. Funny that it's the small things that get you.

I'm at my old stomping grounds right now, where I used to live. Went into the local bottle shop to grab some bitters for the house where I'm currently holidaying. Lo and behold one of the girls I used to talk to was just around the corner as a server. I couldn't face her for the fact that I used to try and convince her to do the dirty with me (my kinks included. She kind of played into those but we never took it to the next level.)

I immediately ditched, I wanted to save her and I the awkwardness. Especially since I was just texting her the other day and she had stopped replying, (nothing malicious just idle conversation. But I know if I continued with it, it would have gotten to the point where I need not explain.) I'm back at the house right now, as I said. Sat here after a cold shower with the thoughts still running.

What annoys me the most about these thoughts is that they stick around for a long period of time. I might go the whole day without thinking them, then BOOM! Right into the head, it starts clouding everything. I've been toying with the idea of messaging her, saying that I nearly gave her a surprise. But there would be no point right now. I need not dragon someone else into my mess at this point. I know what I'm after, and it can only cause damage for myself and anyone involved. The crazy thing is, is that these thoughts are so convincing that they make me want to act on them.

I ask myself, why do I wanted to be degraded? Why do I want a good looking chick like that with a decent personality to call me pathetic and put me down. I've tainted my name pretty bad in this town, luckily most of the people I know have moved. But who knows what gossip is still sticking around. She knows exactly what I've said to her, what I wanted at the time. Sadly that is still in my mind.

I have these moments where I try to convince myself that I'm normal with the fetishes under the hood, I tell myself maybe this is just me? Maybe I'm destined for this? Maybe I don't want a normal life, a wife, kids. But.. I know this is all just a trick, a trick that my addiction is playing on me to have me succumb to my disgusting habits. Not today, not this time. I may relapse down the road, but not today.

 

Lapsed last night, thoughts were overwhelming . I tried so hard, was looking for some support. But I guess I need to support myself more so.