I don't know what to do

Batboy123 · Nov 15, 2017

I feel so lost in trying to help my wife who is struggling with my addiction. Today, I had a setback, the first time in 8 days. I looked at another women at work; even though it was just a quick glance, it happened nonetheless. My wife is very upset and rightfully so, cuz now she feels like shes back to square one again. I don't know what to do when she's upset and angry with me. She tells me that I'm not helping her and us, but I feel like I'm trying to help our relationship by telling her that I'm working on not looking or ogling other women so that she doesn't have to feel on edge all the time, or worried about going out in public, or if I'm at work, etc. She says she doesn't know how to feel in all of this and I obviously don't understand on her level. I understand she's upset and in pain, but I don't 'understand.' Does anyone have any suggestions or tips on how to help your SO when they're in so much pain? How to help them with the anger they're feeling?

Hopefulgirl · Nov 16, 2017

I am really glad that you are here and commend you on taking the first steps to help yourself and your wife.
Being an SO of a PA is REALLY hard. Google "betrayal trauma" and read about it, and there is a video called "Helping Her Heal" by Doug Weiss that I suggest you both watch together. It is amazing.
Next, do you have an accountability partner? I highly suggest that you get one that isnt your wife. Also, I would suggest that you and your wife discuss how much of your recovery that she wants to be aware of. Honestly, some women just dont want to hear that their husband was sexually attracted to a woman at work, but some want to know everything. Have you disclosed or history to your wife? Does she know everything? Are you in counselling?
Some good resources to help your wife:
Bloomforwomen.com
"Treating Sexual Betrayal" by Dr. Skinner
"Love You, Hate The Porn"
"Moving Beyond Betrayal" Vicki Tidwell Palmer
Your wife is welcome to contact me by PM.

Batboy123 · Nov 16, 2017

Sadgirl said: ↑

I am really glad that you are here and commend you on taking the first steps to help yourself and your wife.
Being an SO of a PA is REALLY hard. Google "betrayal trauma" and read about it, and there is a video called "Helping Her Heal" by Doug Weiss that I suggest you both watch together. It is amazing.
Next, do you have an accountability partner? I highly suggest that you get one that isnt your wife. Also, I would suggest that you and your wife discuss how much of your recovery that she wants to be aware of. Honestly, some women just dont want to hear that their husband was sexually attracted to a woman at work, but some want to know everything. Have you disclosed or history to your wife? Does she know everything? Are you in counselling?
Some good resources to help your wife:
Bloomforwomen.com
"Treating Sexual Betrayal" by Dr. Skinner
"Love You, Hate The Porn"
"Moving Beyond Betrayal" Vicki Tidwell Palmer
Your wife is welcome to contact me by PM.
Click to expand...

Hi @Sadgirl , I've looked up some on betrayal trauma, I just don't understand completely because I'm not the one going through it. I understand but I really don't.

I do have an accountability partner, but it's my wife. And the reason she's my accountability partner is that she does want to know everything.

I've disclosed a lot of history to my wife and I really hope that she knows everything. I say that because she has found out details slowly over time by bits and pieces. So it's extra hard on her when new details emerge. We're not in counselling at this time.

My wife has been on NoFap for a while. Shes actually the one that introduced me to the site. Personally, I don't like hearing that I'm being commended for being here, I'm not trying to be rude, I just don't want credit that I don't think I deserve. My wife deserves all the credit for even wanting to stay and make this work.

Hopefulgirl · Nov 16, 2017

Batboy123 said: ↑

Hi @Sadgirl , I've looked up some on betrayal trauma, I just don't understand completely because I'm not the one going through it. I understand but I really don't.

I do have an accountability partner, but it's my wife. And the reason she's my accountability partner is that she does want to know everything.

I've disclosed a lot of history to my wife and I really hope that she knows everything. I say that because she has found out details slowly over time by bits and pieces. So it's extra hard on her when new details emerge. We're not in counselling at this time.

My wife has been on NoFap for a while. Shes actually the one that introduced me to the site. Personally, I don't like hearing that I'm being commended for being here, I'm not trying to be rude, I just don't want credit that I don't think I deserve. My wife deserves all the credit for even wanting to stay and make this work.
Click to expand...

Re: Betrayal Trauma-do look up Helping Her Heal by Dr. Doug Weiss. It is an incredible resource.
I highly encourage counselling for both of you-these are difficult situations to navigate and heal from alone.
Trickled disclosure is exceptionally painful. Every time something is revealed, the wound rips open again. It is horrible. Reco ering from betrayal trauma is a very difficult road. I am almost 5 months in and am only now noticing small shifts in feeling better.
Hoping you consider the resources I mentioned in my first reply.

Batboy123 · Nov 16, 2017

Thanks for the advice and resources, I'll have to check it out. Im hoping that other people reply too.

TryingToHeal · Nov 16, 2017

If this is your only set back in 8 days, I feel you are doing good. I do understand her pain, though. I'm sorry if this sounds rude, I do not mean it to be, I'm being serious. The biggest thing you can do, is stop ogling women. Don't do actions that you have to then tell her about and hurt her. I know that is easier said that done, but honestly, that is the biggest thing. But if you do, yes, be honest, it lets her know where you are. The lying is more hurtful than the action, so don't do that, but just come up with strategies than you can implement if you notice you are getting distracted. Like what else can you think about if you notice a woman, where can you have your mind go so that it stays just a glance, and then you immediately move on, not lead into a fantasy in your mind? Can you look at the ground when you walk around in areas where you know you might see women that you would look at (at least at first)? Can you look them in the eyes only if you need to speak to them? Work on not doing the action, and she will naturally feel less pain. Can you encourage her to post here and speak to some of the SOs?

kropo82 · Nov 16, 2017

Kenzi said: ↑

@kropo82 has a complete list of all ogling threads. Maybe reading them would be helpful?
Click to expand...

I ended up posting the list in my journal here, they are definitely worth a read @Batboy123

Batboy123 · Nov 17, 2017

TryingToHeal said: ↑

If this is your only set back in 8 days, I feel you are doing good. I do understand her pain, though. I'm sorry if this sounds rude, I do not mean it to be, I'm being serious. The biggest thing you can do, is stop ogling women. Don't do actions that you have to then tell her about and hurt her. I know that is easier said that done, but honestly, that is the biggest thing. But if you do, yes, be honest, it lets her know where you are. The lying is more hurtful than the action, so don't do that, but just come up with strategies than you can implement if you notice you are getting distracted. Like what else can you think about if you notice a woman, where can you have your mind go so that it stays just a glance, and then you immediately move on, not lead into a fantasy in your mind? Can you look at the ground when you walk around in areas where you know you might see women that you would look at (at least at first)? Can you look them in the eyes only if you need to speak to them? Work on not doing the action, and she will naturally feel less pain. Can you encourage her to post here and speak to some of the SOs?
Click to expand...

I don't take it as you being rude. A lot of my problem has been ogling women, and I'm trying to work on it and fix it. I have found it easier to let go of the p, than then ogling. What I've realized is that I use the ogling as a p-sub and it's become such a bad habit. I've been doing it for so long that it's a struggle everyday. My ogling doesn't necessarily lead to fantasizing, I'd say vast majority doesn't, but I've come to realize that a lot of my looking has to do with my anxiety and that it's a nervous habit. I've been trying to recite saying to myself as I walk through work to keep my anxiety under control. I do walk around with my eyes down as much as I can to break this habit. I can make eye contact, but then I also have the problem of then noticing other things, so I've tried cutting out as much eye contact as possible. It's been tough so far.

TryingToHeal · Nov 17, 2017

Batboy123 said: ↑

I don't take it as you being rude. A lot of my problem has been ogling women, and I'm trying to work on it and fix it. I have found it easier to let go of the p, than then ogling. What I've realized is that I use the ogling as a p-sub and it's become such a bad habit. I've been doing it for so long that it's a struggle everyday. My ogling doesn't necessarily lead to fantasizing, I'd say vast majority doesn't, but I've come to realize that a lot of my looking has to do with my anxiety and that it's a nervous habit. I've been trying to recite saying to myself as I walk through work to keep my anxiety under control. I do walk around with my eyes down as much as I can to break this habit. I can make eye contact, but then I also have the problem of then noticing other things, so I've tried cutting out as much eye contact as possible. It's been tough so far.
Click to expand...

It really sounds like you are doing good! You are trying and giving it a lot of effort, and I think that is awesome. You really want to fix this, it sounds like. I think you are on the right track, keep working at it! Maybe one of the other PAs has a book or something like that they know of that addresses it. Or have you seen the other threads here about ogling? They could be helpful. Just keep it up, I think you are going in the right direction.

The Wrestler · Nov 20, 2017

Batboy123 said: ↑

I feel so lost in trying to help my wife who is struggling with my addiction. Today, I had a setback, the first time in 8 days. I looked at another women at work; even though it was just a quick glance, it happened nonetheless. My wife is very upset and rightfully so, cuz now she feels like shes back to square one again. I don't know what to do when she's upset and angry with me. She tells me that I'm not helping her and us, but I feel like I'm trying to help our relationship by telling her that I'm working on not looking or ogling other women so that she doesn't have to feel on edge all the time, or worried about going out in public, or if I'm at work, etc. She says she doesn't know how to feel in all of this and I obviously don't understand on her level. I understand she's upset and in pain, but I don't 'understand.' Does anyone have any suggestions or tips on how to help your SO when they're in so much pain? How to help them with the anger they're feeling?
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