1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

I Did Something Last Year That is Tearing Me Apart

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by Kowalksi, Jun 30, 2018.

  1. Same here at first just watched guys suck then people started butt eating which should have repulsed me away accepted all that then, and then and then I was as distorted as those images. Thing is I’m
    Married 45 years and truly would offer to die rather than betray her yet somehow let P in.
     
  2. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    It seems to be that way for most fetishes, they are either the result of curiosity gone too far or radical escalation of existing (but vanilla) fetishes. It seems almost inevitable that browsing porn will lead to seeing something you didn't want to, but its what you do after that causes the problem. A lot of people are able to just shrug their shoulders and not make the same mistake twice, but for people like us it seems to affect us differently, the curiosity gets the better of us.
     
    MasterRoshi and Deleted Account like this.
  3. Kowalksi

    Kowalksi Fapstronaut

    26
    17
    3
    Thanks for all the replies guys, really means a lot! I've been doing a bit better lately. I told my therapist about the situation and he wasn't phased in the slightest and when I told him about the extreme guilt and shame that I felt, he basically characterised the incident as being ''Just a madcap thing that you did. At the end of the day you didn't hurt anyone and you didn't do anything illegal.'' So I think that's made me feel a bit better about the whole thing.
     
  4. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

    538
    972
    93
    Great to here!!

    And remember as long as you continue to stay away from any behavior that doesn’t align with your morals, you will continue to believe that your therapist and the supportive people on here are correct.

    So do everything in your power to remain sober.

    Great job taking to him! It’s a tough thing to do!
     
    Gmork likes this.
  5. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    This is good news, you wont be able to start making true progress until you overcome this incident.
     
  6. Kowalksi

    Kowalksi Fapstronaut

    26
    17
    3
    Agreed AtomicTango. Still feeling quite good. Small moments were I'll think about this incident and it'll cause some feelings of shame, guilt and anxiety, but then I remember what my therapist told me, characterising it as just a madcap thing. I remind myself that I didn't hurt, rape or abuse anyone, I didn't do anything illegal and I didn't know the ages of the girls. And to be honest for all I know the girls could've been 16, it's purely speculation that they were 15.

    Fuck typing that is making me feel a sense of shame and guilt :( But anyway, onwards and upwards!
     
  7. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

    538
    972
    93
    Great progress!!! It makes me cry with joy to do you working through this, since I suffered from the same guilt and shame.

    Keep up the good work!! And keep pushing towards the better you. Continued Honesty with yourself and therapist is key.

    Really happy for your progress
     
  8. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    I can sense from the way you typed that out that you are still being bothered on some level by these intrusive thoughts, which I do understand. You need to actively think about them to figure out how to defeat them but the best way to do so is to not think about them at all and stop caring, so its a dilemma. I have the same problem with my intrusive fantasies and thoughts about self worth, and I find a helpful trick is to redirect all attention to telling the thought to go away, then immediately forgetting about it and doing something else. That wont work by itself of course but it might be helpful.
     
  9. Christian is

    Christian is New Fapstronaut

    4
    2
    3
    Hi Kowalski! I feel the need to give my two cents here seeing as I've dealt with the same OCD. I still deal with it here and there but it's much easier and I understand a lot more about what's going on. The reason OCD sticks around is because people give into compulsions. Think germaphobes, the obsession is the fear that they're contaminated with something unimaginably horrific, so they wash their hands (that's the compulsion). When they wash their hands, they feel better, but it's not a long term fix. Since they gave into the compulsion, the next time the fear arises, they need to wash their hands again to feel better. Slowly but surely the fear and the compulsions grow and get worse. It's the same thing with these more unknown types of OCD. The reason they aren't very known though, is because the compulsions aren't obvious. They're mental compulsions, often hidden. Take this post you made for instance, you were fearful that you may be some terrible person inside and you didn't know it (obsession). So you came on here to make a post and seek reassurance from other people to make sure you aren't this terrible person (compulsion). If you'll notice, they gave you a satisfactory answer, yet you still came back with more questions. That's because the only way to really beat OCD is to stop feeding the compulsion. How that's done though, is obviously not so easy when you're suffering from the illness. The best thing I ever did was I found a psychologist that specializes in the field of OCD. You seem to be doing pretty well though honestly! I'm glad to see that. If you ever have any questions just send me a message.
     
  10. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

    538
    972
    93
  11. Kowalksi

    Kowalksi Fapstronaut

    26
    17
    3
    Hi Christian, thanks for your post! Yeah I completely agree with everything you've said, it's just so hard resisting the urge to seek reassurance :(

    I've been struggling with the guilt of this again today unfortunately. It was triggered after I saw a thing on Facebook were a girl said that if you can't see the strong differences between a 25 year and a 20 year old dating, and a 20 year old and a 15 year old dating. Then you are either naive or a pedophile. I then read through the comments and people were saying things like 'Why the fuck would a 20 year old even want to date someone as young as 17? Like that's still a child! That's gross!'.

    It was all comments like that and it just started making me feel really upset and guilty and ashamed cause I thought to myself, imagine if I told these people what I had done, they would probably all be saying things like 'Dude you're a pedo and a sick fuck!' or words to that effect and it made feel so depressed and horrible. Again, even though I didn't know their ages and assumed that because it was a senior dance that it would be people who were at least 16/17. I've taken some comfort in knowing that I didn't know their ages and just assumed they were over 16 (I'm pretty sure I did, but can't remember for definite) and that being a porn addict doesn't help either as it's completely fucked my mind up.
     
  12. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    I'm just here to tell you once again, that you have not actually done anything, let alone anything worthy of feeling bad over. How anyone can say its weird to date a 17 year old when the age of consent in the UK is 16 is an idiot who clearly doesnt even understand the law. What two consenting adults do is of no concern to anyone else unless they are a nosy busybody, pay these people no mind.
     
  13. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

    538
    972
    93
    I did a pole asking people if they found teenagers attractive and 90% of them said they did.

    I’m sure if I did a follow up pole if they would actively seek them out and date them in real life the number would dramatically drop.

    There’s absolutely nothing wrong with finding teenagers physically attractive. I would bet Every single man who isn’t asexual does.

    As I said before I was definitely struggling with my POCD thoughts for years and living in the shadows alone with them really made me think they were a representation of who I was and I was sick, a pediphile and that lead me to suicidal thought. This continued into my sobriety for 2-3 months until I talked with my therapist about it and experienced relief.

    I strongly urge you to speak with a therapist about why your going through. There is help.
     
  14. Kowalksi

    Kowalksi Fapstronaut

    26
    17
    3
    Thanks again guys!! I know that from an OCD point of view, what I've just done (sought reassurance from you) is wrong and probably not really helping me, but oh well lol :/

    Yeah I know what you mean. I think because it was mostly Americans commenting and the age of consent in a lot of states is 18 and so maybe people were completely and utterly repulsed. Let me just point out though that I would never date anyone as young as 16. I would never even sleep with someone as young as that regardless of the age of consent. To be honest I was chatting with a 19 year old girl on Tinder a few weeks back and didn't really feel 100% about the idea of being in a relationship with her. We weren't discussing being a couple or anything but I was just getting ahead of myself lol, ''Could I date a 19 year old? Hmmmm...''. I suppose I should take comfort in the fact that even dating a 19 year old doesn't really sit right with me (I'm 24 in August btw) for some reason, not because I think it's wrong but I would rather date someone who is at least 20 years old. What's interesting as well is that the age of consent in countries like Croatia, Germany, Japan, Hungary, Sweden and Italy is all around the 14/15 mark, so are these people trying to say that all of these countries are just filled with paedophiles?

    I suppose as well what you're saying Pharaoh is a good point, there's a big difference between dating and finding someone attractive. I have my second therapy session next Wednesday so I'll mention it to him and see what he says. Again it all just comes down to Real Event OCD and feeling extreme guilt and extreme shame for a past event and these are just issues that I need to overcome. And again obviously porn addiction doesn't help as it completely fucks your mind up. My biggest regret in life is watching so much porn when I was growing up. If I could go back and change things I honestly would and instead of watching porn non stop when I was 13/14/15, I would've started going to a boxing/mma gym or started taking guitar lessons or something like that. But you can't turn back the clocks unfortunately so these are issues that I now need to deal with and overcome to have a better and happier life.
     
  15. Kowalksi

    Kowalksi Fapstronaut

    26
    17
    3
    Although Atomic Tango, I do recall you saying back when this thread started, that what I had done was wrong.

    That's not me calling you out or anything but I was just wondering if maybe you had changed your point of view on the issue or if you are just trying to reassure me.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  16. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    Well I based my first response only on the original post, and all others on you further elaborating the point, so its you giving me more information that has led me to siding with you. What I maybe should have said was that you haven't really done anything worth getting this distressed over, as I admit that the way I worded the post makes it seem like I'm contradicting myself.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  17. Kowalksi

    Kowalksi Fapstronaut

    26
    17
    3
    Ah okay I get you. Sorry I hope I didn't come across as a dick or anything. My ocd tends to latch onto things and before I know it I'm overthinking the tiniest of things.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  18. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    Its fine, no worries.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  19. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

    538
    972
    93
    Great to see you’re still exploring this in therapy! Keep pushing and exploring! As long as you are honest with yourself and your therapist (no matter how sick you think your thoughts are) the healing will continue. At least this is my experience.
     
  20. Kowalksi

    Kowalksi Fapstronaut

    26
    17
    3
    Thanks again guys! Yeah, just need to keep going. Keep pushing and fingers crossed I'll be able to forgive myself, realise it was a stupid mistake and move on.
     

Share This Page