I derealize at times.

I tried posting this on Reddit, but each sub does things somewhat confusingly and it got deleted. I am looking for discussion, that's all. If anyone else relates to this, I would also like to know that.

I'll try to keep this short, but it is pretty obscure, I believe. At least, it is to me.



When I am in a certain mood, the seconds start to feel longer, the world begins to look smaller, and my mind wanders in less perceptual ways. I mean I start to get ideas about the world, specifically, I am the only one alive. Now, I have never used this to justify committing any crimes, unless you count self harm involving others a crime. No, in fact I have said or thought things that were upsetting to myself and others because of this wandering belief. It comes and goes depending on how I feel, but especially when I ponder my existence while i feel scared, sad, etc. Sometimes it sobers me up out of a happy mood, and that generates fear.



How can I describe it? Imagine one day you find out you are in the matrix. Now, if that wasn't alarming enough, you realize there's no way for you to prove that anyone else in the matrix is conscious and alive. They could just be freeforms (as you are, but we'll get to that later) and not necessarily be alive the same way as you. You know that you are alive and conscious, that is almost certain (perhaps seeing myself as unconscious would help?). The only difference between my situation and this one is I can't say for sure that I am in the matrix, only that this reality seems so distant at times, giving me reason to wonder if there are realities besides this one.



If I were to think of some form of theory name I might call it the Augmented Observer Paradox, where one can observe and even affect a world, but cannot prove that what they see is causality. I guess my best bet is to just ignore it, but that doesn't make it go away. Therapists and such have given me grounding techniques that do work for a short time. I dread VR and such things because I feel that would be like pretending on two levels. I am not a sociopath, I process negative emotions well enough. But I feel I have to make an effort to be a part of this world, on the whole / (slash) as a whole. I generally feel unmotivated and I have been through several dramatic life experiences (like in the movies) to find the strength to continue in this world despite feeling aloof in disparate ways.



These feelings have affected my relationships. I spend more time thinking about my needs than I do others, though they do matter to me. I also feel as though my needs are not important, since generally I find life boring in the first place, so, hey, take whatever you want. I feel suicidal on account of my confusion: I just don't know what to do with this feeling. Other ways it has affected me emotionally have resulted in a diagnosis of bipolar, anxiety, and autism spectrum disorder, the latter two being informal. Autism spectrum disorder I identify with the most, and I can see the other two being macroscopic misinterpretations of that. Not trying to get too far into that, but generally I do consider people to be playing with each other when they interact, like they are making a lot of unnecessary moves because they too feel what I feel, and feel bad about it, but can only express it and acknowledge it in their behavior, never in fully formed thoughts or words.

Back to my relationships, I have learned many hard lessons about boundaries and treating people right, all of which I remember starting from the age of three. I take to these lessons very much, but my problem comes in when I "forget" what I had learned for whatever reason, and thus make a bad decision out of fear. It's strange, though, these things seem like they would be a part of my character by now. Could my memory have an impact on my personality? I definitely remember feelings better than I do any memory type. Indeed, I reconstruct most memories based on how I felt, which I am sure is how everyone does it, but I feel this entire sentence demonstrates my self-insight/introspection, which I think may have something to do with things.



I'm not sure what I'm looking for, but these feelings have weighed heavily on me since I was very young, and I would like to function as a person better, even if I feel like "everything is fake." Just another fucking movie title, amiright?



Edit: Freeforms. Perhaps I only ended up believing I was "alone", and the belief has no bearing on my existence.

 

I would like to stress that my situation is not urgent. I have found what you are talking about to be helpful. I meditate by reminding myself to be "in the moment", but I call it "loving everything" or similar. I guess I'll never really have the answer to what I'm wondering, and that's why I'm okay with it. I really just wanted to know if anyone had any insight on it. It seems they did, and it's EXACTLY what I was looking for, so thank you.

 

That one involves scatting. Lol. It's a good way. But I am also naturally curious as to why I fall so hard when I derealize. That baffles me right now. What is it about my existence that makes it so easy to doubt?
I believe when I am at my lowest I believe my existence is flawed... which is bound to upset me. Any thoughts?