I deleted my porn stash - I have a mix of emotions [rant]

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by awkward_loner, Jun 22, 2019.

  1. awkward_loner

    awkward_loner Fapstronaut

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    I deleted my stash of demented smut 3 days ago (6/19/19) after a post fap clarity moment. I had toyed around with the idea that my mind was spending way to much time with porn and to flat out delete my collection of pictures, videos, and roleplay chats of demented f*cked up smut.

    Leading up to the event I kept trying to talk myself out of it, which I did - only to repeat the cycle of using. Finally after I had a few seconds of clarity after a post fap deleted everything off the server. I brought up my terminal in Linux and ssh'd into my server (deleting via gui would have taken a long time and tempted to hit "cancel") and typed the command "sudo rm -rfv 'folder path'".

    As I saw the white text on a black screen saying "Deleting file x" I felt both fear and joy. I deleted my account on a roleplay website where basically anything goes, anything extreme could be played out.

    On day 3 (today) I am being swung between "I regret having deleting everything" to "I NEED TO CHANGE!!!!". Back and forth these emotions are running like crazy.

    Why do I feel remorse in attempting to change? I don't understand how my mind can see a problem, yet at the same time want to keep the addiction. Its like a parent and child are arguing over dinner - one wants ice cream and the other wants vegetables.

    Why can't I just shut the addiction part of my brain up, sub due him - and let the "new me" take over!!
     
    10 Mile Stereo and Kiz Whalifa like this.
  2. Cuauhtli

    Cuauhtli Fapstronaut

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    Great to hear that you wanna get back on track and are ready to delete and get ride of those big triggers! You have created a bond with them, there is times when you will miss your bad images. Time to let them go! It took a long time to get into the mess it also takes time and lots of will power to be on the clear. Take one day at the time !
     
    The Unfadeable and awkward_loner like this.
  3. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    You just gave yourself the answer, allow me to quote:

    This is a pretty powerful insight that I believe you need to look more into. You are 3 persons: a child, a parent and an adult.

    The child is you at age 6-12. The parent is usually your mother or father or another main carer that you looked up to as a child. The adult is the person that wrote the sentence I quoted.

    The child is in serious emotional pain, so he learnt how to hide and run for the said pain through coping mechanisms: in this case porn addiction. Whether it's loneliness, boredom, frustration, rejection, lack of validation etc. etc. you developed, a good while ago, as a child, a method to cope with these emotions: porn. Others do cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, prostitutes and other addictions and compulsions.

    The parent is the one berating the child. "Delete that fuckin porn, it's not helping you, you're horrible, you're blah blah blah", only criticism, brings pain, doesn't want to understand how hard it is to overcome the emotional pain of loneliness, boredom, frustration. Key here is that the parent does not want to acknowledge the feelings and emotions of the child!

    Last one is the adult, the one that wrote that sentence. What the adult needs to do is to tell the parent to stay where he or she needs to stay, in the past. Those conditionings, those ad-hoc rules that were imposed at age 10 are no longer valid in today's world. You, as adult, need to listen to your child and acknowledge and validate its feelings: boredom, loneliness and all others. Stay with the child during his "tantrums", just listen to what he's saying and be kind towards it. Don't let it go to porn to overcome the pain, stay with the pain, acknowledge it and in a short while it will subside.

    This is called processing emotions, one task that most of us where never taught how to do by our parents. It means we have to learn it by ourselves and we have to go through the pain of acknowledging the feelings and the emotions.

    Here's how I overcame it:
    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...g-with-negative-emotions.235876/#post-2091926
     
    Reborn16, Sinbad and awkward_loner like this.
  4. jarvyjarvison

    jarvyjarvison Fapstronaut

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    I know you’re going through a roller coaster of emotions. Try and focus on doing what is rational and going less on feelings.
     
    Reborn16 likes this.
  5. hollyman

    hollyman Fapstronaut

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    Ofc because its doin for a long time, its became part of you. Find a better replacement, a positive one its helps
     
  6. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    You've spent a very long time (on a daily basis) reinforcing the habit of consuming porn to fulfill your life. That habit permeated your daily thoughts, feelings, and actions which all expanded to become your rock solid identity. Letting that go means letting go of who you currently are and the comfortable life that you've known for a long time. Letting go means uncertainty and discomfort. It means adversity and doing something that might not work.

    I don't know why people expect to get rid of the habit so easily when they've reinforced it for years. Think about it. If you spent all that time on a consistent basis that you've spent on porn or something else (for example learning how to play guitar), you would be pretty damn good at it. You have to give as much commitment, consistency, and reinforcement of new habits, thoughts, feelings, actions, and ultimately create a new identity at the same intensity as you have with developing your past lifestyle of porn.

    What's comfortable now (porn) becomes uncomfortable later on (addiction that's hard to beat).

    What's uncomfortable now (beating the addiction) becomes comfortable later on (new habits, thoughts, feelings, actions, and identity).

    So just know that you're paying the price of the instant gratification comforts that you've reinforced in the past.

    If you want a new life, then start reinforcing new habits.

    Sacrifice short term emotions for long term outcomes. Before you were sacrificing long term outcomes for short term emotions.
     
    Reborn16 and Sinbad like this.
  7. Jufddee

    Jufddee Fapstronaut

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    Bro I jus wanna let you know .
    I had this same feeling too.
    Wanted to delete or throw of my phone or sim card after the post fap thing.
    Then if I did clearing all my stash of porn or whatever that is tempting me to pmo. Then after sometime here comes the fearful thought telling me that you should have kept a backup for some highly tempted situations so that u can pmo.
    Actually as like someone quoted before we are adapted to this pmo habit like the food and water. It's like it's always available it's instantly satisfying us. It's like an hunger. The first day you would have been proud about yourself for clearing the porn stash the next day there is a roller coaster of emotions it's pretty normal bro it has happened to me. Jus know one thing you have made a very good decision of overcoming that porn by setting a contribution to it by clearing all the stashes and your a champion for making that decision and doing that. dont disprove yourself by meditating on those worse and bad thoughts of having that regret of keeping that porn stash..jus take a moment breathe and let go of it..
    The decision you have taken may be painful which is hell but you gotta stay patient for the heavenful life that's going to turn your life around. And make many big impact. Focus on your rewards you will feel a lot better
     
    Reborn16 likes this.
  8. veryfresh

    veryfresh New Fapstronaut

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    I feel ya man. I made an account just to reply to you. I underwent the same sort of clarity as you did, 6 months ago. All the time and effort putting my collection together was gone in an instant and even though it felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, it still did hurt a little. The important thing to remember is that it takes time to change. Yes. You made a MONUMENTAL step forward in the right direction, but you brain is still wired to go back to that collection whenever you're bored and shit. Your habits won't change in an instant. You gonna wanna rebuild that collection. I've rebuild mine at least 50 times in the past 6 months, only to then delete it all in frustration after climaxing. The good thing is that it happens less and less periodically. So I am improving. You will improve too. The way i see it is that you have 2 sort of brains. One is rational and one is emotional. Your rational brain just deleted all that shit and said "NO MORE!" while your emotional brain is still lagging behind. With consistency and over time, your emotional brain will be in sync with your rational brain. One important mindset to have is this. Don't cling onto a mistake just because you spent so much time on it. Let go of it and look forward to the possibility your future can hold.
     
  9. wheelgauge

    wheelgauge Fapstronaut

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    I understand what you're going through... I'm having this same tough battle through the days, since it's hard to delete what I got on my cellphone (it's nothing that kinky, just girls pictures, but the effect that they cause are basically the same). All that I can say is that it isn't easy to do, but as time passes by you gonna feel a lot better. I will do this as soon as I can!
     
  10. fg4795

    fg4795 Fapstronaut

    I know how you feel I deleted everything on April, 30th. It was the fifth time I think, but I hope it will be the last.. Your mind is tricking you.. it seeks happiness and you gave it the sensation that for you those kind of things were your happiness.. So by now your brain is like intoxicated by these sensation.. You have to struggle.. I had too.. I'm doing it also now..you always think that you know just one watch or there's nothing wrong on having it on my computer if I don't watch them.. But there's something wrong.. All this porn and similar things change your perception of the world.. So keep fighting it will get better
     

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