I can't take another step.

Hi everyone, I am a 17 year old programmer, traditional catholic, male. Earlier this week I realized that in the next few months pornography addiction will have taken away half of my lifetime. I was introduced to it by my best friend when I was about 8 or 9. At first it wasn't a problem because I didn't have those urges at the time, but when I was about 11-12 it slowly started to creep into my life for more reasons than just puberty.

On my eleventh birthday my family completely left the US to live in Mexico. I left all of my friends, culture, language and future behind. I didn't take it very well so I decided I would wait it out and when I was 18 I would leave ASAP.

To do that I would need to have a plan, so I decided to grow up and find a career. I quit school in 6th grade, and began teaching myself from youtube in my moms room on the laptop. I proved to my mom what I was doing was good and I convinced her to let me build a 300$ computer. I started learning programming, math, politics, physics, game development and everything in between. At this point I have taught myself, Unity, Unreal Engine, Java, C#, C++, Python, Algebra 1 - 2, Geometry, Trigonometry, Linear Algebra, Calculus 1 - 3, (starting) Probability Theory, Machine Learning, Deep Learning, Tensorflow, MXNet, CNTK, and Philosophy(And things of this nature in general). I am currently employed by a company in Germany as the lead programmer.

But... I was and am completely alone with all of my friends a thousand miles away still living their lives in the US and I had to planning my future with no guidance from anyone, I wasn't aware of what I was getting into.

I fell into pornography whenever I had a problem I couldn't solve or whenever I felt alone or when I felt like the weight of the world was against me. So basically all the time. I am catholic, because of this I never thought it was okay and there where a couple of times where I quit for around two months but then relapsed back into pornography because it never got any easier, I was still alone with the weight of the world against me.

The only one who was there for me has been god and I can't hear him anymore. I am not just catholic in name alone I go to church every Sunday I lead the rosary prayer every day, I pray in the mornings that I might be able to make it through the day safe. But I fail him and I grow further and further away from him. I'm not strong enough to do this myself, I am alone every day on my computer for over 10 hours a day working and studying in chaos and the unknown.

Lately I have been in a repeating cycle of about three days and relapsing. Sometimes it feels like I only do it to punish myself, I don't even feel aroused but I go to it anyway because... I have tried so long and never gotten anywhere, what makes me think I will be able to do it this time?? and even then after I climb uphill against this feeling what's going to be their waiting at the top??? nothing, I am still alone, working my life away for nothing for no-one.

In 2016, when I was 15, I decided to go to a private highschool here so I could try to make friends. I was placed in senior year with people who where 18 and 19 and even then I was the top of the class in everything, even the things I didn't particularly like. While the rest of the class was doing school work I was in front talking with the calculus teacher, attempting to solve the integral of the optical density of a ray passing through the atmosphere. I was really popular and everyone talked to me and was friendly with me but even with all of that I still felt alone.

That changed when a girl in my english class started to talk to me, at first I didn't think anything of it but she was very persistent, she was very interested in me. But not in the way you might think... She poked and prodded me and wanted to see what made me tick, I was standoffish and shy to her and after about 3 months I realized that I was falling for her. During this 3 month time everything was great, pornography was hardly a problem although still their.

Now me being my socially inept self, I thought she liked me too. So I told her how I felt over text like the coward I was... and she just said, "I'm glad you told me that". I was confused and had no idea what to think from that so I just let the subject slide.

The entire first half of the year we didn't talk about it much, I was opening up to her and wanting more of a relationship with her and she was rejecting me. and after the first half of the year I decided to leave the school because as much fun as it was, I was wasting time their.

After that I went back to being alone in my room all day so naturally I went crazy after her to try to hold onto what little happiness was left. That drover her away and that made it worse, during this time pornography was getting worse and worse and finally I had enough and so I decided to tell her about it and ask her if she could help me by letting me talk to her when I felt tempted, I thought this might work until the first time that I felt tempted.

I felt tempted and I realized that the last person I wanted to tell was her. She rejected me before she knew about this problem, how was she going to see me if she knew what my mind was like??? so I felt guilty for not telling her how I was feeling and I had no one to go to again. She told me she would never leave me and that I could trust her with anything and she would always be their. After the second time I relapsed she left me and told me I had to do it on my own...

I set a goal of four months before I tried to talk to her again.
I talked to her again after about 14 hellish days and at first she avoided me but after a while she talked to me again too but it wasn't the same at all. She never opened up to me again and she never trusted me, she hated me because I betrayed her.

The feeling of the fear of living without her was strong enough that I quit pornography for about 4 months and masturbating for about 10 months... let me explain. Those six months after the first four I don't know why I did this but I started to watch pornography by it's self just to hurt myself. I didn't even get a good feeling from it. It only made me feel terrible for watching it because there was no masturbating. But I did it for some reason.

A day after my 17th birthday she came over to my house and told me she will never like me and no one will unless I fix myself and all my fears, insecurities, and social skills. She left me alone again. I deserved it and I knew that and so I didn't fight her at all, instead I got a job and worked, and worked, and worked so I wouldn't think about her. I didn't even cry about her for the first two months and I didn't relapse ether.

After the initial shock and emotions faded and the stress and worries and the loneliness set in I fell back into masturbation. I am less attentive to my job and I am letting myself slip and I don't see any future. I am back where I started with nobody to do anything for and nothing to care about. It feels like I am in a dark void that is surrounded by openings to the light that are just out of reach because I don't have the strength or the tools that I need to get up close enough to climb out of them into the light.

Welp that's it, the highlights of half of my life's story... pretty long I know but it all ties in to why I am here and what I am hoping to god I can find.
I am tired of doing everything on my own, I want guidance for once. I have never had a clear direction to strive toward in my life before and I am not able to find one that I can find the strength to do. I can't take another step.