I cant get aroused by girls anymore, am I gay/bisexual(I want to kill myself)?

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by zuzu123, Mar 27, 2019.

  1. zuzu123

    zuzu123 Fapstronaut

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    So I little about myself, I am 22 years old and have been addicted to porn since I was like 13 years old. I watched it everyday and needed it to sleep. It started with hetero-sex, eventually started fetish genres like interracial and milf. Later I went shemales, gayporn and eventually animal porn. I really felt disgusted after watching them. I didn't watch them daily but maybe like once a month. It gave a 'new sexual' stimulation. I also had a game addiction and a chronic depression in my late teens. Through my whole teens I had no need for sex or a girlfriend. I had a girlfriend who I fell in love with when I was 13 and kissed another girl when I was like 18. After that no encounters at all. I sexually fantasied about girls and it turned me on as far I can remember. I thought about sex all day when I was in my early teens, I imagined sex with this teacher who had very big boobs. Nowadays I have no desire at all for sex or anything at all. I have no fun in most things that should be. I just wanna lay in bed all day thats how bad my depression is. I met a girl abroad last year which I liked. She wanted to have sex with me and I wanted it to. But I didnt felt aroused or that I really want to. But she was beautiful and I wanted to do it with her. We didnt had sex bcuz I drank too much and was pied. I quit porn like 1 month before but still masturbated sometimes after. I fell in love with her after she went back home. Weeks long I couldn't stop thinking about her, I had butterflies in my stomach, I missed her and I wanted to see her again. I saw her again 3 months later, but I couldnt have sex with her, I was still pied. Kissing her made my dick went limb, but I wanted it. We kissed for like an hour, but I really didnt feel it. We tried 3 days, the last day it worked a bit. I got my dick like half erect and had sex with her. But I wasn't satisfied with it at all. I had no feelings with it and wasn't sexually aroused. I felt so ashamed after but I still talked with her a lot and still liked her. I told her some excuse and she was fine it. Now its 3 months later and I still feel not recovered. I fantasized about her and got a bit of an erection I guess. But still not that I feel that I want sex. I became so depressed after because it feels like I cant have sex anymore. I talked with the psychologist, talked with the doctor. I even have a appointment scheduled with the urologist for a checkup. I was stressed and had an headache daily about all this. I felt worthless. I even had thoughts of suicide. I told my dad finally about my problems and he mentioned like oh that isnt too bad. I was thinking of being gay or smthing. After that I started really thinking if I am gay or not. I did fantasize in my teens about gay sex and I even watched it sometimes. But I never thought about having relation with a guy, or felt in love or had the urge to have sex with a guy. I started wondering more and now I am thinking that might actually be gay. I get aroused by the thoughts of gay sex or watching gay porn. But if I watch lesbian it feels boring. The girl body feels boring and I dont get aroused. But seeing just penis gets me aroused for some reason, meaning my dick starts to react to it. I really fear that I might be gay, but I cant see a life with me being into a relationship with a man or have sex with a man. It disgust me and if I have to live that life I rather kill myself. What I am worried about is that I never will be able to have normal sex with a girl and therefore a normal relationship. I am afraid my relationship will end and afraid to lose her. I like her so much, I talk to her everyday all day long. I thinking so much about the future with and now this is happening I scared that this wont be my future. I am fine if I am bisexual actually but than I choose for girls in the end. But being gay I would rather end my life right now. I relapsed a few times last 2 weeks to check if I am gay or not with porn. It didn't do me any good. I even downloaded an app grinder to see if this is who I am. A lot of guys started messaging me but I feel disgusted by it and didn't respond to any. Looking at their pictures doesn't turn me on at all. What is wrong with me? Will I ever be normal again?
     
  2. Zorglub

    Zorglub Fapstronaut

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    Hi, you're only 22, you had real feelings for that girl and the way you described it is beautiful. Focus on developing your relationships. Not that long ago, before porn, we used to 1) be attracted 2) talk (a lot!)3)go out and kiss 4) fall in love and maybe 5) make love. In that order. Focus on number 1, 2 and 3, give it time, there's no rush, but without PMO, absolutely!
     
    CH3RRY and Nugget9 like this.
  3. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut

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    Why would you kill yourself if you are gay and prefer dicks to pussies? :eek: :confused:
     
  4. My recommendation to you is to relax. Stay off the porn if you possibly can (try to stop "checking" yourself) and live your life. Do the things you enjoy and focus on bettering yourself. You don't have to make any decisions about your sexuality now -- you are young.

    I know it's easier said than done, but try not to worry. You need to overcome your depression and learn to value your life, then you can start exploring your sexuality.

    I'd also like to stress that even if you are gay or bisexual, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.

    All the best to you!
     
    ivanhoe, xjonx, Zorglub and 1 other person like this.
  5. Relax, man! There are worse things in the world to get worried. Live your life and be happy with your sexuality, whatever it is.
     
    Judas Johnson likes this.
  6. zuzu123

    zuzu123 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for all the messages. Nothing in life makes me happy anymore. I have no motivation to get things done or sexual desire. When I met my girlfriend it was the same. I really liked her though. The love feeling I had for her was real. I really hope it is the escelation. But now that I have been 7 month mostly off porn. I really start to wonder if I will get it back. I wonder if I ever was hetero to begin with. I never looked at guys in a sexual way or aroused by some guy. I only looked at porn. I dont know what to do with my relation. I want her and I have her. But if this is true I cant live with her. I dont know if I should stay with her untill I am recovered. I will be so sad if it is out. It already feels like im pushing her away. I was going to see her a week in New York, but I called it off that I cant have sex right now. She knows about the porn addiction and still wants to stay with me. It feels even if its an escelation it will take even more months. I dont knoe if I can do all this to her. I care about her. I rather be sad myself than make her sad and give her false hope. I dont want live anymore if I cant have the relationship I want, meaning with a girl.

     
  7. Zorglub

    Zorglub Fapstronaut

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    I think you are facing multiple issues and you need to need to treat one after the other with the help of a councellor . You can't do this on your own, seek help, you deserve to be happy .
     
    zuzu123 likes this.
  8. Ronila

    Ronila Fapstronaut

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    You are very confused and unsure
    So here is th breakdown on how I see it.

    Research is clear that the younger you were when you started watching porn, the longer it takes to recover normal sexual response. So if you continue not doing it - you will recover.
    Be honest with your girl, tell her about issues you have and how you feel about it. So she understands you and can help and support. Mainly because woman will always think its her fault, and she is not sexy or pretty enough.
    Make sure you are not using any recreational drugs, those affect your libido big time.
    You had massive over stimulation, which led to decreased sensitivity and this is why you do not feel aroused by real naked woman, your body produces a response but it is too small, so until that threshold decreases you will have this issue.
    And no you are not gay
     
    Pati_ryu and CH3RRY like this.
  9. zuzu123

    zuzu123 Fapstronaut

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    So i am still going to see her soon in Australia for 3 days for work and after I was going to see her at home in New York for a few days. But I wanted to change it back to Amaterdam where I live now, I struggle with this. Should I tell her now about it, it will never be the same if I do so I think. She will be thinking that i dont love her. But I cant also lie to her or keep this for myself for more than a week being with her and just having fun. She will see
    that there is something wrong.
     
  10. CH3RRY

    CH3RRY Fapstronaut

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    7 months just isn't enough. After a few years of total abstaining, I'm sure your brain will be back to normal. It's obvious that you are attracted to females, so you aren't gay. Also to make things clear for her, you could show her what you wrote here.
     
    zuzu123 and fiddler like this.
  11. Ronila

    Ronila Fapstronaut

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    If you understand it why do you think she will not?
    She can help you recover, she can support you and like I said you also have to make sure she knows its not her fault, and I can guarantee she thinks it is in some way.
    It is your call in the end, just keep in mind that she would expect your commitment to recover and nothing else. And you go back to your old ways she will know you are not keeping the commitment.
     
    zuzu123 likes this.
  12. zuzu123

    zuzu123 Fapstronaut

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    I told her that I will come but I havent told about that I have been questioning my sexuality. She knows that we cant have sex yet anyway. In that regard it is fine. Will just have fun with her and see after
     
  13. jshc24

    jshc24 Fapstronaut

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    I'm 20 and have the same situation. I questioned my sexuality and even downloaded a grindr, but I don't desire a man in a relationship and don't want to be sexually with one, I only get arosed if it's porn. I used to be so scared of it. Don't freak out man, if you feel disgusted by the thought of being with a man then that answers your question. Being attracted to something in a pornagraphic sense is so much different than actually being genuinely attracted to it. The brain will do something called escalation, meaning once it gets bored of a certain stimulation (a porn genre) it will seek another new form. It could be anything. It will go away if you take a long enough break from porn. Take a break from masterbation. It will allow your brain to rewire itself. I went two months once and by the end I was shifting back to myself, I started getting aroused by girls in real life again and my weird fetishes faded away. Be confident in who you are, don't let porn make you doubt yourself. I know how you feel, and only you define who you are.
     
    zuzu123 and Pati_ryu like this.
  14. 19m

    19m Fapstronaut

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    i’m the same way and the same age too
     
    zuzu123 likes this.
  15. Theamos

    Theamos Fapstronaut

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    When I was 19 I had fantasies about guys but never considered myself gay and I was having sex with girls.
    I experimented with a friend
    Don’t label your self
    If you want to be with guys ok if not ok
     
    zuzu123 likes this.
  16. bfdet

    bfdet Fapstronaut

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    Hi ZuZu !

    Whatever you do, DON'T hurt yourself by trying to end your life. There is plenty of help available for you to live ! PLEASE seek some counseling and DON'T do anything drastic ! Life is too precious to end !
     
    zuzu123 likes this.
  17. Beamer

    Beamer NoFap Moderator
    Staff Member

    Hello,

    I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling. Rebooting has its ups and downs, just like life. We see many people experiencing both the ups and downs during the reboot, and though it may be hard to see now, these feelings you are having won’t last forever. It will get better with time, if you are patient and wait.

    In the meantime, please seek professional help. I know the idea of calling a helpline might terrify you, but in times of crisis, we often need someone their to put our lives in perspective. So please contact someone who can help and don’t hang up on them. The International Association for Suicide Prevention maintains a list of suicide prevention hotlines for countries all over the world. Also, if you don’t feel up to actually talking to someone on the phone, StopSuicide maintains a list of online instant messaging and chat suicide prevention resources.

    You are not alone in this. There are ways to treat depression. Please contact people that can help you. Being depressed often makes it feel like you don’t have any more options. But that is a lie. That is just the depression talking. These feeling you have won’t last forever. We are in this with you, and we will all be cheering for you to get through this!
     
    zuzu123 and Pati_ryu like this.
  18. zuzu123

    zuzu123 Fapstronaut

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    So a little update. So I went to the urologist right before I went on vacation. They did some basic check ups and concluded fast that it was of the porn use. I asked for some pills though bcuz attempting sex without it was too scary for me. I got tadalafil daily, which I took everyday when I was on vacation. So I just came back from 2 weeks vacation with friends and my girlfriend. It was fun and nice. Although I didn't feel happy mainly of my depression I guess.

    So about the sex part. Well I had successful sex like 6 times. Overal experience it was nice, but not wow. It took minutes of foreplay everytime to get hard enough for sex. I got like 80-90% erection at the max. I was still a virgin in January but for what I have been experiencing I prefer mastrubation to this. Kissing and such was ok, but not that I really enjoyed it a lot aswell. I got some random half boners when holding hands or kissing. I really wanted to have sex with her and I got it, multiple days in a row. Only the last day when we attempted sex it didnt work at all, I was completely soft when she grabbed my dick. I had drank half bottle of champagne before. So that might have been the problem. Later than night I tried again and we had sex but only had an 50-60% erection. Everytime I penetrated her I came in like 1-2 mins. So it doesnt feel that im cured from pied by far and I still dont know my sexuallity. This cant be it.

    Everything feels like it takes so long...I dont feel joy out of anything still and still think I might be gay/bisexual. I actually feel more asexual. I prefer to be with an woman and want to have sex with a woman and can spot an attractive woman. But I dont have the drive to have sex or getting turned on.

    I really dont know what to do or if I ever will be fine... I am overthinking everything and feel like crap.
     
    CH3RRY likes this.
  19. CH3RRY

    CH3RRY Fapstronaut

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    You need to believe in your success in this. We often forget how big the extent of the damage we have done to ourselves is, and that recovery from it is fast. You need to overcome your disbelief, you will succeed.
     
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  20. zuzu123

    zuzu123 Fapstronaut

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    Ye I really was motivated it when I saw the 90 day no pmo succes stories, I have done that basically. I really want to build a future with this woman, the whole situation is already hard bcuz it is long distance. I really want to be cured but it feels like it will take atleast another couple of months… She can wait a bit bcuz she knows some of what is going on, but she also said she wont wait forever. I dont know anymore what being normal is anymore or a normal (sexual)relationship. All my feelings are numbed.
     
    CH3RRY likes this.

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