I Am the Night

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by What I Do That Defines Me, Nov 29, 2018.

  1. Hey everybody, i tried making a journal once before and it fizzled out quick, but ive been seeing a lot of people talking about the beniefits of journaling so im going to give it another shot. I wont be posting in it every day only When i feel like it and im sure it will be riddled with typos, but here goes :)

    So, i guess i'll start with my story (sorry if its long, ill try to speed through it). I started masturbating when i was about 9 or 10. I didnt know anything about it, i just discovered it by accident and liked the way it felt. For years i continued moing to fantasies or scenes from movies, but no actual porn (that being said,i still moed a lot, like sometimes up to 10 times a day). That didnt come into my life until i was about 15. I used the family computer which wasnt easy to do, so i found myself staying home from fun family events just so i could get a chance to use the computer. Looking back, who knows what memories and good times i missed out on. After awhile i actually got busted by my mom, she found some search history i thought i deleted and confronted me on it. That was a traumatizing experience for me and to this day i still remembed the look in her eyes. So, for another couple of years i refrained from porn altogether, but still masturbated quite often. I got back into p when i was about 19 (this time on my own devices) and i looked at it a lot, sometimes staying up way into the night which affected my performance the following day). At 22 i had a few strange things happen that i thought may have stemmed from masturbating, so i looked into it and thats when i realized all the negative ways porn impacts your life. At first i didnt even know i was addicted so i thought it would be easy, but in trying to quit i realized how addicted i really was and that made me want to quit more. The idea of having an addiction was and is appaling to me. I've always lived a clean life, i dont drink, smoke, or do drugs and i was proud of myself for it, so realizing that i was just as addicted as an alcoholic or drug addict was quite a blow. Anyway, i tried it on my own for several years on and off before discovering nofap and even though im still extremely far from beating this thing, i am so glad i did. Before nofap i felt alone, i told no one about by struggles and it was a heavy burden to bear, but being here with all these excellent people to support and encourage me and knowing that they can all understand and relate to my problems is a very comforting thing. So, i want to thank all my pals on this site who have been there for me through all my relapses and still stand by me, one day you're support will pay off...trust me. Well, thats it for now, thanks for reading and see you next time :)
     
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2018
  2. So i reset my counter yesterday due to excess fantasizing. If i had been further in i probably would have let it slide, but i didnt like the idea of starting a streak off that way, it felt wrong. So anway i guess thats all i have to report today, at least there was no relapse right? One day at a time. Bye for now.
     
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  3. Freedom_lover

    Freedom_lover Fapstronaut

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    What a strong impression it must have been for your mom to discover the history. But it was probably good for it to happen, since, at the time, it helped you understand the magnitude of the problem.
    If my mom knew what I've been dedicating these last two years to ... I don't want to imagine her reaction or her disappointment. It would be terrible.

    I think it's the feeling that many here we have. Before Nofap we felt that we were alone against this, and even many of us are still alone in real life, but this site has helped us to see that there are people who understand our feelings and struggles.
    What a pleasure you have found NoFap, there isn't doubt that it has come to change your life and that of many of us.

    I hope you don't mind that I read your diary. It's just that sometimes I feel as if I'm invading the privacy of others. :p
    Keep fighting, stay strong, and I wish you all the best on your new streak :)
     
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2018
  4. Yeah, it was definitely a bad experience, but as you said it may have been good in the long run because it did slow me down.

    Ys, exactly. Its great to be a part of this wonderful community, im extremely grateful that infound this site.

    No, not at all! I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment, thats what its there for. You can visit anytime you like :)

    Thanks for the good wishes, same to you
     
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  5. A Batman

    A Batman Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for likes. Hope that your counter only increases.
     
  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I think your journal may only work if you have a antagonistic Joker yelling at you to fail so you in fact succeed.
    J/k

    Good luck on your Reboot, friend!
    I hope this one works out!
     
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  7. Thanks man, i hope yours keeps increasing too :)
     
  8. Sounds like a good idea, you could be joker, but you'd have to change your avatar ;)

    Thanks for the encouragement, i hope to make this run count
     
  9. Retro Girl

    Retro Girl Fapstronaut

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    Hey you didn't tell me you'd started a journal!

    Yes, getting caught by a parent must have been terrible. I'd managed to keep my P use hidden but then that was quite easy in those days because no one was really interested in what I was doing.

    Anyway great idea to start with the journal again, I'll be following from now!

    :)
     
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  10. moominfindinglight

    moominfindinglight Fapstronaut

    I could relate to that... I started at 9 by googling sexual pictures and I got busted by my parents the very first time I'd tried. They also found out by looking through search history. They were very angry and gave me a lecture about not betraying their trust. Unfortunately what I'd learned from that experience (which was quite traumatizing as well) instead of not repeating it was to lie, deceive and hide my trails better. Not only about PMO use, but also I started lying to them and hiding from them whenever I'd done something wrong. It is a struggle till this day, and the guilt and shame are still there.

    The support and encouragement on this platform is honestly one of the best thing that any of us addicts could need, I think, so thank you as well for being part of this community and good luck:)
     
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  11. Yeah it was pretty bad, especially since my mom is like squeaky clean lol, bit its over and done with now.

    Alright cool. If i get boring just smile and nod ;)
     
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  12. Yeah, i know what you mean, although i did stop for several years, when i came back i got a lot better at hiding. Im sorry you had to go through a similar experience, it certainly isnt fun.

    Yeah i definitely agree and thank you too, i appreciate your support. We're all in this together, lets make it count :)
     
  13. Not much to say today, so i figured i post this poem i wrote about my nofap journey. I've posted it before, but i figured i should do it again in my journal...


    In the innocence of my youth i was led into darkness,
    By the promise of pleasure i was led far astray
    Not knowing the harm or the pain i inflicted,
    I gave in to temptation day after day.
    Years went by in this sad twisted cycle,
    Until i awoke to the knowledge that something was wrong
    That my body was crying for a break from the torment,
    And my soul had been singing a cold bitter song
    At first a deep sorrow burdened my heart
    A sorrow borne by my shame and regret
    But suddenly a light was shone deep inside me,
    As a whisper bid me "do not despair yet".
    From failure i forged a strong suit of armor
    I tempered my sword with the sting of my tears.
    Forward i marched into the fray of the battle,
    In a war that would last for many longyears
    -----
    Still today i gaze on that same battlefield,
    Strewn with the corpses of the days gone by.
    But just as my body grows weary from battle,
    I can see a bright sunrise painting the sky.
    With this new day i will rise from the ashes,
    Of the shame and sorrow that has burdened my days
    And i will feel the cool breeze of mornings caress,
    And be lovingly kissed by the suns golden rays.
    All of the pain and the scars ive collected
    Will vanish in a moment of rapturous delight
    I will forever bathe in the glory of morning,
    Never again to be a victim of night

    Thanks for reading :)
     
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2018
  14. Retro Girl

    Retro Girl Fapstronaut

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    A fine poem Batman, a pleasure to read it once again! :)
     
  15. Thanks a lot :)
     
  16. IAmLegion

    IAmLegion Fapstronaut

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    Hey omg you compose poems too!!
    I wrote a series of poems on the 7 deadly sins. I wanna leave behind the one for lust here, just to motivate you!

    You're a ray of hope for me man. The 7 Sins- Lust 1.jpg The 7 Sins- Lust 2.jpg
     
  17. Freedom_lover

    Freedom_lover Fapstronaut

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    What a beautiful poem!
    This was my favorite part, it conveys that it's possible to have hope in the midst of adversity.
     
  18. Coffee Candy

    Coffee Candy Fapstronaut

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    * u * Pretty sweet decision. I hope it helps some.
     
  19. Loveless-J.R.A

    Loveless-J.R.A Fapstronaut

    I'm late in finding out Bruce keeps a record of his crime solving nights! I always taught Alfred did it :)
    Mann all the best. And I will be around for support when I can.
    BTW nice avatar but joker will come after you now... you know that right? ;)

    Hope this journal progresses steady.
     
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  20. Loveless-J.R.A

    Loveless-J.R.A Fapstronaut

    The beauty of the poet,
    expressed in pure words.
    His life is written,
    In a short verse.
     
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