I am new here and I really need support.

Hey, it's okay, we've all been there. Honestly, supporting my husband was difficult in the beginning but I knew lots about addiction and have struggled from my own addictions so I knew the drill of recovery. I set boundaries and consequences. That is probably the first thing to do. It's okay to not be perfect, it's okay to vent, it's okay to be angry. It's going to take time to heal and to grieve. We are here to listen and support!

 

Here is a boundaries thread on this forum: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/lets-talk-about-boundaries.109686/

Here is how we managed to make it through the first year, and then I'll tell you our long term plan.
First year I basically said that "here are my needs and boundaries, if you can't do these minimal things we can't do this."
For me I needed
- History every day (also access to email and phone and computer)
-100% honesty (he was honest for the entire year except for one Spotify thing, in which case we now share a Spotify account. Some covers are pornographic so that's where the issue was.)
- Tell me when he gets to work and when he leaves (so I know the history matches up so I know if he would have deleted anything, though I could check the history through Google to keep him accountable if necessary)
- Blockers on Chrome on computer and MobileFence on phone (Mobilefence has been a blessing for both of us, it keeps him focused on work and keeps my sanity).
-Therapy was a must! If he wasn't in therapy or wasn't looking that was a deal breaker for me.
-Later in the second half of the year, I wanted to have weekly talks about recovery to know how things were going
- Also, with TV we vet each show or movie, and during any scene that is sexual (girl in underwear, sex scene, stuff like that) he looks away, and he hasn't minded that and figured that was a good thing.
-Also, I printed packets and bought some good books
-Get educated on addiction (I ended up teaching him most of it because I study psych and know a lot about addiction)
-Try not to be as selfish (which he has been better at, but he still struggles immensely in other areas)
- Be an adult (aka, make your own doctors appointments, be responsible about remembering them. I didn't like that I played his secretary in the past keeping track of everything, it was overwhelming to me).

Now the plan moving forward
- Keep the blockers in place
-We want to get a laptop we can share, and he will use chrome I'll use Safari so to know who's history is which when we get it
- We are in individual therapy as well as couple therapy
- I wrote a list of things he should think/do daily, so try to do the entire list if not most (mainly things like think about how you are feeling today, how might Anna be feeling? How can I make her feel loved today? Also journaling feelings)
- Talk 2 times a week about addiction, recovery, parenting (since our first kid is arriving in November), or any other fun/serious conversations (he has an issue of making every conversation about cars).
- Do fun things together to bond (such as a weekend getaway, or going to find fun coffee shops since he wants to eventually open a coffee shop, and go on fun drives since he loves driving)
- He has to be active on Nofap or RebootNation (3x per week minimum)
-Read a chapter/section of book/packet daily (except for school days) and we can discuss what he has read since I've read them all already. The packets literally were a step by step guide on how to repair trust after an affair (I know porn isn't the classical affair, but to me, as I stated prior to our relationship porn was unacceptable in my relationships and I viewed it as cheating). So I really want him to take the Relationship recovery seriously since this past year he focused on individual recovery (which I am proud of).
-Obviously, stay honest, and that if either of us has an issue or trigger (I struggle with anorexia) we talk to each other and let the other one know we might need more support.

If these are broken it depends on which for consequences.

If he uses porn (or subs) he moves out. (that is if he is constantly using/relapsing).

If he does something that he knows is against a boundary he sleeps in another room for that night.

If he watches tv shows that arent vetted, or doesn't look away and is obviously looking/ sexualizing serious talk, no tv for a while and a back massage (since I love them).

If he lies (big lies) he moves out. If they are little we talk and go to therapy.

 

I am so so sorry that you have to go through this. I'm a good few weeks now into 'discovery'. What I can tell you is there will be good days and bad days. Has your husband actually admitted or realised that he has an addiction as opposed to a habit? I would really suggest you both seek help for this. My husband is seeing a sex addict psychologist and I'm seeing a therapist. Due to limited choices mine isn't well versed in betrayal trauma, but it has still helped me to have someone to talk to in RL that is not my husband.
Get help and go from there. Take one day at a time and don't feel like you are going crazy with the flip flop of emotions that this brings.
And you are not alone. Hugs xx

 

This is a really, really healthy place for you to be. Of course you will feel an urge to take his actions personally ... this addiction is heavily about sexuality, and since sexuality is part of your marriage, his behavior will feel like an attack on (or a reflection of) the relationship. But his problem is not about you. As you said, this was something he was wrapped up in long before you came into the picture.

I agree with @Broken81 ... it's important that your husband admit that he actually has an addiction, that he needs outside help. As long as he just sits there trying to conquer it through his own willpower, chances are that he will continue going back to it. If there are SAA groups in your area, I would highly encourage him to attend a few times to see what it's like. I know I beat this drum often in these forums, but I go to 5-6 SAA meetings per week, and they've been enormously helpful to me.

You never need to make a point here, or make sense. You are always welcome to share your experience and get some support and/or feedback. There are several amazing women in these forums who know exactly how you feel and can be great sources of comfort for you.

 

Well first, I married my husband 3 months ago. We have been together for 2 and a half years this december. The entire first year of our relationship was a lie due to his addiction. I actually found out on our anniversary.... this was after mini discoveries. I told him prior to being in a relationship with him that I could have porn in any relationship because it is a huge trigger for anorexia relapse, and I was in treatment at the time I met him and was already in a fragile place. He told me porn was not a problem and it wouldn't be in our relationship. I told him that honesty and trust are the most important things to me. I said I rather be hurt with the truth than happy living a lie.

There were multiple discoveries and me breaking down. He was only my bf at the time I found out and so I laid down the law, especially since we'd already talked about marriage and kids. My husband (bf at the time) was more than ready to do what it took to keep me. I meant more to him than his addiction, and I was able to help him through recovery because I know about addiction. He always understood and accepted the idea that I would want to leave, that's why he lied! He thought if I knew I would leave. I said if you lie I'll leave, if you're honesty I'll stay. Always made that clear. So my husband was happy I stayed but totally understood the boundaries. He knew that he completely disrespected me and betrayed me in the most intimate way (and I have severe trust issues, so he knew how much trust meant to me). And the thing is I didn't threaten I'd leave. I said if you use porn and lie that is it, you've had 8 chances, if you use after this adn don't tell me and I find out I have every right to take care of myself and part ways. (I did end up relapsing back into anorexia and had to go back to treatment after a couple months post D-day). So really no porn was my boundary prior to the relationship because I knew it was a huge relapse trigger for myself, so I was trying to be proactive in letting him know that. Seriously, if he wanted porn go ahead, we would just have to remain friends, but he promised me porn wouldn't be an issue.

When it comes to addiction there are two people who need to make choices. The addict needs to be able to choose whether or not they want to quit porn and if they want porn more than their spouse. The spouse/partner needs to choose whether they can be in a relationship with no trust for a while or if they can't they need to know what they can handle and when it's time to walk away.

And most SO's on here have set hard boundaries about leaving. I don't know your full situation, but there are women on here who have been married 20 + years and only now are they realizing their husbands lied and betrayed them whether just with porn or with webcams or prostitutes, affairs, etc.

I consider myself "lucky" that it only took me a year to put the puzzle together. Once I knew I had a choice, and I chose to stay because I know about addiction. But given that I know addiction, I know how unhealthy it can be to live with an active addict. I told my husband on the big Dday that I can live with an addict in recovery but I will not live with an active addict. Active addicts hurt themselves and those around them and I had just gotten my life back on track when I met my husband so I knew that I really needed to make sure I was in a healthy environment.

 

I felt like this as well and then I realized, these other women didn't do anything, it is my husband that did. He was the problem here, not them. I don't "hate" them anymore now, I direct that towards him. I'm not sure if that is healthy or not, since that does affect my feelings with him, but it really wasn't the fault of the women. My husband sought them out at my (and his, really) expense. That is on him. I do still fear the interaction, though.

 

Well, the only way to find out is to ask ... knowing full well that he may have reasons to lie about it.

One drastic measure that many addicts/spouses have resorted to is a polygraph test. When trust has been broken so severely, having a third party verify the truth is sometimes the only path forward that gives a SO any peace of mind.

And just so you know ... a polygraph isn't an attempt to pin down the addict, or to 'out' his secrets ... it's an opportunity to give you the confidence that you know the truth about everything as it stands right now.

I haven't done one myself, but I know many men in the SAA program who have. I know a guy who actually sits down for a polygraph test every year of his own choosing, just because it helps him stay strong in his sobriety. His wife said he doesn't need to do it anymore, but he sees it as a way of showing her that he's committed to his recovery and protecting their marriage. Pretty amazing.

 

Hi @iamscared . Glad you are here, but sorry for the reason. It seems that your husband is willing to make nopmo a priority and that is a good thing. Baby steps here. Be grateful for each one because they do eventually lead to giant leaps. This can be a slow process in so many ways. The pain and emotions you feel may take time to begin healing. But rest assured, the more he shows you he is serious about leaving it behind, the more trust you will build, and the more pain you will feel starting to ease.

Know that he may have a reset. Not necessarily a full blown relapse, but a reset. Or maybe a relapse. But then, he might not. He's been using this as a coping mechanism for years and years and it may rear its ugly head every now and then. My point is that though this fight can sometimes be unpredictable, what you want to look for is progress. How far have the two of you come and how did he handle it when it happened? That will tell you a lot on how to proceed.
As for boundaries, the thread above has some good info, and i know those boundaries are exactly what helps some relationships survive and even thrive through this time. But it may or may not work for you.

I am of a different philosophy for my marriage. My husband and i have never really set boundaries of this nature. We discussed, but i left it up to him, to set the parameters on what would garner a nofap counter reset. We have no internet blockers but we do have trackers that he asked me to keep on all our devices and check periodically for accountability. I originally put them on secretly because he had been lying to me about it all, but we have come a long way since then.

I'll be honest, I have absolutely no intention of leaving. The only way I would is if he were unrepentant and continued the behavior but I know he genuinely does not want it in his life anymore. He is working hard to keep his mind clear and stay away from it.

You go with what you feel is best for your relationship. You know him best. Even when you think you don't because PMO has colored things a bit, you really do. It may take some time to figure out what will help your relationship the most but you'll get there.