I am back. Again!

God I am back, and why; because I cannot control myself!
I am a 25 year old male living in a homeless hostel in Ireland and talks to no one; daily?

I am very isolated from the world and people around me and because of this isolation I have come to realize what my problem is; it's the fucking isolation that is my problem; I resolve this by doing absolutely nothing about it. I have many of the same problems I have a year ago? I don't know how to change all of this???

Luckily I have an opportunity to go to College next year; that is if I earn the grades to get the course I want in the College I want. I love my College and I love the teachers and the people; most anyways, but we all know we cannot love everyone. There are going to be people who will be assholes! And where would we be without them?
I will leave the answer to that up to you guys; and girls.

I am an Irish man and I fapped today; first time in a week, I watched P whilst I engaged with the activity and the truth is I felt awkward watching it! Yes I felt awkward watching porn. Did I get off? Yes I did, but it felt so artificial that I was searching out something that felt real, but guess what; it never does!

I am at the mercy of my mind in this isolation. I am in a helpless state which I learned from my mother growing up; she didn't want the hassle of raising a kid; it was easier to dismiss me! As a result i have not fully developed socially and i am an anxious wreck. I am afraid to go outside. And i tell myself all these bad things; like i cant be wasting time! I have got to study but in reality i get caught up on the internet and guess what not study is done; but a lot of porn was watched!!!

I have started to take better care of myself these past few days. I don't exercise because i have a pile of emotion inside of my body; sadness; what i am really trying to say is that i just dont bother because i am too busy feeling sorry for myself. As a result my body is breaking down. My shoulders are sore and I have problems with my elbows that when i life something heavy and lower it back down it locks up and i freeze because i am afraid to lower my arms any more so i drop the weight and then i drop the exercise!!!!!!!!!!! you would think i would see a doctor about this kind of think but i dont even bother! I am the reason for my unhappy life.


I just want all my problems to go away...


I want my body to be fixed!

I don't want to be ashamed of myself anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I do this to myself because it stimulates my body so I can ignore the loneliness of my life. That is what I am doing!

I am trying to Fap my life away because I don't want to face up to how much of a wreck it is and how much work I have to do to fix it!

I am f*"king AFRAID to face up to my wreck of a life. Its too hard too much too... It is always another excuse not to take action! I am cheating myself out of a good enough every time i fail to try.