I Am Addicted. Period.

My name is Gary, and I have an addiction to internet porn and masturbation.


I guess I could say it really was implanted in me at a very young age. I remember being a sixth and seventh grader stumbling upon discreet pictures with one of my friends at the time. I stopped look after about two weeks, but nevertheless, I was exposed to it at a very young age.


In eighth grade, I had heard a lot about porn, and how much my friends liked it, so one afternoon, during the summer, I took a look, and since then, my life has never been the same. Ever since then, for the past eight to nine years, I had looked at porn or masturbated at least once a day. There were times where I knew it was sinful and decided to quit, even I high school. I had never quit masturbating, but I did abstain from porn for two weeks. But that was long ago.


All throughout high school, and most of community college, I was so awkward, I couldn’t hold conversations, I was nervous around girls, I hardly looked anyone in the eyes during conversations, I didn’t have very much energy, I didn’t have any drive or motivation to get anything done, and I put myself through hell trying to figure out what to do with myself. I knew porn was affecting this, but not to such an extent.


Come to find out, about two months ago, from now I’m learning the nature of the beast. I see now that I could have avoided a lot of hurtles and mental agony in my life had I never looked at porn, or rather, kept looking at it. I never knew until recently that porn and masturbation have such a tremendous impact on the brain, and I find it no coincidence that many of the symptoms of dopamine tolerance coincided with many of my life’s problems; no motivation, no energy, no drive, social anxiety, confusion, brain fog, lack of care for sex or being social, everything.


Today, I’ve relapsed four times, and now I’m beginning to understand the problem it poses. Even when the high doesn’t feel so high, my brain still gets stimulated by porn, and obviously, the chaser effect has had its way with me as well. I get nervous, a little shaky, uncomfortable, grumpy, condescending, irritable, and overall more animalistic when I think of it and can’t watch it.


Life can’t go on like this. As deflated as I feel now, I know there has to be some light at the end of the tunnel, lest I not be here on NoFap at all. I believe in God, and in what I can be, and I know there’s a better life ahead of me. I’ve experienced it. I went eleven days without porn and five days without masturbation in March. I was on a roll, and I felt energy, drive, confidence, comfort, and optimism that I had never felt before until I started NoFap. Perhaps March was just a way for God to validate that what I was doing was right.


I believe in my future, and in my power to change today into whatever I want it to be. But something has to change. I can’t go on like this, or I will never live a happy life. I’m taking a stand. Right now. This is it. I will have successes, and I may have failures. But failures are a gift, too. I will get control over this, and I will live a happy life without depending on PMO or easy routes. This is my start.


To start, I think the best place is to understand and accept what you can’t change. And for me, that is what I am: a PMO addict. I accept it. I always discounted the idea, that I would get help whether it was an addiction or not, but that’s just denial. Therefore, I accept it now. I am an addict. Period.


So then, let’s get started.