I’ve Been Very Self-Conscious Lately

And it really really sucks. This 90-day no PMO streak will be my last attempt at something to kill my nervous vibe around people and social anxiety once and for all. I’m weird as fuck and I don’t care if people are always thinking that or not being able to understand me but I have a job that requires me to be social. Another problem was that I’d been slightly, but not completely, homebound, because of an epileptic condition that doesn’t allow me to drive until July and the cancellation of my car insurance. About to move to NYC for a chance at a better life, yes it will often be lonely but anything is better than this homebound existence and a mother suffering from ALS always needing stuff every five seconds. She’ll be fine, though, her condition is very slow and will not deteriorate for another few years, my dad will help her until we can hire a nurse around that time.

 

Sorry, I just had a bad day. And hate my fucking life.

But I may not hate my fucking life soon.

 

Thanks for the responses guys...I’m going to update regularly after the move.

 

Another reason I was feeling bad, though, was because there was a girl who I had met in college a little bit (EXTREMELY shy and kind of a slow learner) who MAY have shown a bit of interest in me a while ago, and I saw her again about two years ago. During that time frame, I could’ve just called her up this whole entire time any time I felt lonesome. But I made excuses not to, for some reason. Maybe I didn’t feel attracted to her at the time, idk, or didn’t know her well enough, or wasn’t looking, or some bullshit like that. I could’ve called her any fucking time!! That is never going to happen in New York, or ever again. I’m not making promises of course but this is my sincerest hope.

 

In fact, I’d still call her if I weren’t moving.

I feel that often when I attempt to say something complimentary to women or try to put on a charm, they react like I’m a serial killer or something. My dad didn’t really seem to have very many problems going out with women when he was young (though he didn’t meet my mom until he was 29, in VIENNA, then they divorced, and got back together eight years later, I know, right?? Additionally, they didn’t have me until early 40s). But because of my dad being able to get a bit more “experience” when he was young, contrary to myself, it makes me wonder if the apple fell a long way from the tree. But who cares if it did. The point is, I have a hell of a lot more to learn once I get into an actual serious relationship. Maybe the problem is that I have no charm skills lol...whatever rite?

The situation with my uncle, his brother, was a lot more similar to mine, but he pretty much married the first woman who paid attention to him, and to this day they’re miserable, and she’s a fucking control freak bitch (they haven’t even slept in the same bed together in years, seriously). My point is, at the end of the day, I hope to at least not end up like that.

When I last asked someone out on a date, I was 10 days no PMO, so that probably helped a tiny bit and gave me confidence.

 

True. I’m going to for sure have friends when I move. Still doing great on the challenge. Porn is one of the most evil, hurtful things out there and I avoid it like the plague. No room in my life for it now, can’t afford it. TBH I’ve been kind of irresponsible because there are at least two women I’ve met who appeared to be flirting in a way (they had business cards, one was from a judo class and another from the credit union), and I lost their contact info. If I was not moving I’d turn my house upside down to find those. In NYC my plan is to keep a notebook of contact info that I get so I can use it later (a “black book”).

Staying off PM has helped me realize these things, and I thank this website/community from the bottom of my heart.