I’ll never be enough because of porn

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by djdcgc4, Jun 5, 2019.

  1. John Oldman

    John Oldman Fapstronaut

    I can testify on that. I feel that I've lost mental and emotional connection with my wife although I still love her and don't want to leave her. It's a very perplexing feeling.
     
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  2. djdcgc4

    djdcgc4 Fapstronaut

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    Does your wife know about your addiction?

    What do you think your wife could do to help you reconnect?
     
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  3. John Oldman

    John Oldman Fapstronaut

    Have you tried going together to a sexologist ? Not especially about porn, but about your own sex life. He may be more incline to go see a sex-therapist with you if he knew he wasn't being dragged on to face something he's not willing to recognize. The professional would identify the problem and talk to him about it. If the sexologist is male, he may be more incline to listen as well, because he would be unable to hide behind the "ho, it's just female solidarity" / "I've been drawn into a trap" kind of mental justification.

    I'm currently seeing a sexologist, both for my addiction (sessions alone with the therapist) and my couple's problems (sessions in couple with the therapist).
    I was the one asking my wife to go see one for a long time. She agreed to come and I booked the first session.

    Try presenting him that way : "I'm willing to see a sexologist about our relationship and sexual problems. I think it could be a real opportunity to go forward in our couple. What do you think?"

    If he's not willing to make any effort toward you as a couple, then you have a bigger problem.
     
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  4. John Oldman

    John Oldman Fapstronaut

    Him saying it's no big deal is clearly self-denial. But still it's his problem. It may be hard to read, but some men never learn and must experience multiple try and error before even realizing that (1) there is a problem, and (2) the problem comes from themselves.
     
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  5. djdcgc4

    djdcgc4 Fapstronaut

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    That’s definitely on my lists. Thanks for the insight!
     
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  6. John Oldman

    John Oldman Fapstronaut

    Yes, she knows about my addiction. I discovered PMO was a thing back in 2015, I understood I had this addiction and I must get rid of it.
    I've watched porn since I was 14 or 15. I met my wife 12 years ago, and she always knew I watched porn. She never had a problem with that because, as she explained to me, she grew up in a very male environment, where every of her male friends complained that they girlfriends didn't let them watch porn. She didn't what to become a pain-in-the-ass girlfriend/wife so she assumed it was normal male behavior.

    Off course it was all a mistake, because it led her to assume (wrongly) that it was normal, and it didn't help me in my recovery because she didn't view my habits as problematic.
    It can sounds like a reproach towards her, but it's not. It's just fact. The addiction is my problem alone. Having a wife that view porn as a problem or as a "normal male behavior" can be stressful or helpful for the man involved, but ultimately it's his problem and he has to recognize it by himself. You cannot "force" him to recognize it, you will only antagonize yourself in his eyes.

    So, what to do ? Well, I don't know either of you, so it's kind of a blind advise, but I will say this :

    - Don't mention it for a while, like at least a month (and keep track of it! Be 100% sure you haven't said a word about it for said period of time.)
    - There's a chance he'll notice your change of attitude and start asking question all by himself.
    - If he says anything about it, don't patronize him, don't infantilise him, be willing to just listen. No advice or your part. I know it will be hard as hell, because you will want to actively help but believe me, you won't. If you try to help him he will shut down again. The work must (!!!) come 100% from him. He as to recognize the problem all by himself and work his way out all by himself. You can only (!!!) congratulate him, say that you love him so much and you are proud of him, but under no circumstances must you suggest and propose anything. He may even come to a point when I'll reproach you your absence of advice or suggestion, but trust me, he will never reach that point if you do suggest or propose anything.
    - If he doesn't say or act by himself, you may write him a letter. Writing touches the soul. Saying it out loud will only leads to fighting or sulking. Write him how much you love him, how much you respect him and trust him, and also how much you feel hurt by his actions, how much you fear for your future together, how much you've read on the subject and how real an addiction and a problem that is, and that you are willing to help him if he wants your help or need anything. You can also propose a talking session with a "talking pillow", where the one with the pillow talks and the other cannot speak. The one with the pillow must be allowed to speak to the end, and (s)he's the one that giving the pillow away to the other so that (s)he can speak. I strongly advice to get paper and pen so that the "muted-one" can write down what (s)he has to says about what (s)he's hearing.

    I'll advise also a great read : "for men only" and "for women only" by Shaunti Feldhahn. Amazing reads !!!
    For maximum result, the man reads "for women only" and write annotations, and the woman reads "for men only" and write her annotations, then they exchange the books. I'm currently doing this with my wife, and we are learning sooooo much !
     
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  7. djdcgc4

    djdcgc4 Fapstronaut

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    I have had suspicions for a long time. I was quiet for 8 months. Never mentioned sex or lack there of. When I finally did I was loving and told him I wanted to reconnect. I again was quiet for over a month. After a second conversation he did try to initiate but due to pied nothing happened. I took this opportunity to ask if he was using porn and he admitted. I thanked him for being honest and suggested he join this forum. He took a look around and replied by stating porn wasn’t a problem for him like other here and we should let things take their course naturally. Weeks later again nothing...... I wrote a letter bullet pointing what the possibly issues were. My suggestions on how to address them along with what I needed to feel loved while we worked through these issues. And again nothing...... He won’t even talk about it with me. That’s what really makes me feel like he doesn’t want to make it work.

    I like the idea of the talking pillow! Thank you so much.
     
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  8. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Has he seen Gary Wilson's "Your Brain On Porn"? or Doug Weiss's "Helping Her Heal"? Those would be good places to start. Sounds like he is minimizing and in denial so he can protect his addiction.
     
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  9. djdcgc4

    djdcgc4 Fapstronaut

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    I don’t think so but I will give it a try.
     
  10. John Oldman

    John Oldman Fapstronaut

    Woaw, you've already done a lot, and a lot good ! :)
    Thank you very much for sharing all of this.

    If I may, you can suggest him (via mail, the written form is often better received) to read this amazing page. It has been a real eye-opener for me, also my eyes were already pretty open.

    His denial after watching the forum is completely normal. One cannot open his eyes on first or even second or third contact. But life is (and you are) persistent, and the problem will keep on popping up until it is addressed.

    In a talking pillow session, you may try to make him realize that PMO would lead to PIED with any other woman on earth. If he would magically become a pornstar tomorrow and try to have sex with the porn actresses he likes the most (with or without camera crew) he wouldn't be able to do it. He think he would, but he wouldn't. That's something to consider.
    Jacking off to a screen all by yourself and controlling what to see, when to change to another video, and never experiencing real sex (and what is cut from the video : the preparation, the difficulty, the pain, the ED, etc.). There is a lot left on the cutting floor, and even after editing you can still see the expression of pain of the women on screen. But I digress, because one cannot see that unless he has already recognize the issue.

    Men like challenges. Try to get him to challenge himself not to watch any porn for one full month. If he cannot do it while being honest with himself and you, then he'll have to see that at least it's an addiction.

    I can stop eating meat for a full month, no problem.
    I can stop reading books for a full month, I can stop yoga for a full month, because those are not addiction. They are habits, and I control them.

    If he cannot control his porn consumption, then it's an addiction. Simple as that.
     
  11. djdcgc4

    djdcgc4 Fapstronaut

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    That’s a great idea!
     
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  12. Ronila

    Ronila Fapstronaut

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    You are trying to solve an issue for him. You are obviously the proactive party in this relationship, proactive people fall in to the trap all the time. They look ahead they understand and they try to solve the issue before it happens or offer ways the other party could easily solve. Being proactive is amazing trait, but it is common to miss lack on desire to solve the issue on the side of the party you are trying to help.

    What you described makes me suspect that ether there is allot more to this story. I would take hard look at his behavior outside of pornography lens, it is possible he is abusing other substances?
    It is common for person to admit to doing something while hiding deeper issue like drug abuse.
    To make this judgement, you have to really evaluate his behavior patterns and changes
     
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  13. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    Not everyone thinks like a PA. I'm the wife of a PA, and I can tell you that I don't fantasize about other guys besides my husband. I don't want anyone but him, and it doesn't go against human nature for me to feel that way. I know there are other SO's around here who have said the same thing about only wanting their husbands, too. To say it's human nature and we should "take comfort" in the the fact he fucks his hand instead of someone else is not helpful as it shows you're rationalizing addict behavior. Just because you think it could be worse does not lessen the damage and pain caused by what is happening. And, the thoughtlessness of your comment is not negated just because you throw in that "it isn't right."
     
  14. TheMaster101

    TheMaster101 Fapstronaut

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    You are one of a kind then.. your husband should be proud.
     
  15. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

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    No...she's like a LOT of SOs. I, too, and sooooo many other women here and in the world with PA/SA husbands dont fantasize, we want the one man who puts us on the back burner for their thoughts and fantasies and hands.

    I'm personally not and haven't taken any comfort in the fact mine decided to fuck his hand/himself thinking about another woman instead of acting out with her. Mine has actually done both and it doesn't feel any different. I'd rather he screwed real women more than the fantasies. At least then I could walk away from this shitfest easier and with less of a mindfuck than the fantasy nonsense.

    Human nature isn't to want what you can't get. Not sure where you got that from but yea...no. That's childish, spoiled brat, addict, not satisfied with what you have behavior.

    Going around fantasizing about a muscled up dude with a big hardon that lasts for days? Nah. I'm fantasizing this vacuum is going to run itself and dishes decide to come alive and the house sing like in "Beauty and the Beast", actually. I'm going so far today to fantasize dinner makes itself and the kids are not tearing the house up when they roll in from school. I'm fantasizing I get affection without being an object. That's the reality of the other side, sir. Not what your mind conjures up to try to justify masturbation from an addict side.
     
  16. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    She is not one of a kind in this regard. This is common, it is addict thinking to believe everyone wants and fantasizes about other people. Just trying to rationalize your own behaviors.
     
  17. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

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    I so much agree with @hope4healing and @SOofanaddict . I always fantasized of my ex when we were together, that we would have intimacy in our relationship and he would want me, and now I fantasize of my current boyfriend. I was once asked who is the most handsome man and I replied that it's my bf and he who asked looked at me like he thought I would say someone else I fantasized of secretly. Well, I don't really understand why it wouldn't be normal to fantasize of your own SO? Why should we want someone else? Why to be with someone if you don't desire him/her?
     
  18. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Add my voice to the list of this particular "one of a kind". I always only wanted my husband. I sometimes notice a person (male or female) who is attractive by the standards society has taught me, but I never have sexual thoughts about them. My husband is 64 yrs old, gray, overweight and doesn't much care for personal grooming, but he is funny, smart, entertaining to talk to, interesting, has a good heart, etc. I loved him and those lovely attributes. I loved the feeling of connectedness I felt with him and found it very erotic. His combination of those traits that were very specific to him were the driver of my sexual desire. The idea of feeling that desire with someone I don't even know seems preposterous to me. It doesn't even enter my realm of possibilities. I don't believe I or the other SOs that share my experience are freaks.
     
  19. TheMaster101

    TheMaster101 Fapstronaut

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    Gotta love opening up a can of worms.. hahahaha
     
  20. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

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    Yea...especially after you had to reset that counter after a year+ being sober.

    No need to attempt to justify the addiction just because you messed up...just sayin.

    Good luck on the next 365 :)
     

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