Husband said he is doing a 90 day reboot to be done with this addiction once and for all...

DesperateHousewife7 · Oct 8, 2018

I’ve decided to sit down and compile a list of red flags from everything I can remember in our relationship to help keep me focused on reality. What do you guys think of all this?

Red Flag Inventory in chronological order from 2011-2018:
0. first month of marriage and already there was a strong lack of sex (about 1-2 times/week) and we were virgins prior to this. Sex happened only upon my initiation.
0. From the beginning, he was exhibiting ED problems during sex, pretty often (starting at age 19.)
0. Rejected my sexual advances and initiations often.
0. Once made a comment to me after doggy-style sex that my breasts “hung down funny” and asked why they looked like that.
0. I experimented to see how long he would go without initiating sex if I didn’t initiate something myself and we got to 4 months until I gave in and said something.
0. in the first several years probably up until 2017, sex was happening about 10-12 times a year on average.
0. Made excuses to not have sex such as body ailments, being too tired, not being horny at night, even said we ran out of condoms when we actually didn’t, etc.
0. never showed interest in any lingerie I purchased and wore for him. Would say it looks nice or cute and that was the extent of the reaction.
0. Sometime in 2013, I found a pornographic screenshot on his phone.
0. Didn’t want to use any of the sex toys I purchased even though they were his suggestion when I asked him what he would be in to.
0. No response to my physical advances/sexual touching/naked butt to crotch in bed contact. Even shoved blanket between us and said it was too hot or uncomfortable.
0. Most times when I would playfully offer we have sex, he would pause and then reluctantly and monotonously say “suuuure...”
0. Refusal to allow me to hold his electronic devices. Extreme distress while I was using his phone\laptop. Even sprinted over to me to hit “empty trash” before I could view it.
0. No sex on any planned special occasion date nights or weekend trips to romantic places for things like anniversaries (we’ve only had sex on 1 out of 6 anniversaries so far), Valentine’s Day, birthdays, etc.
0. Allowed me to sign us up for 3 different marriage therapists to try and solve the “mystery problem”, as well as had me seeking my own therapist twice. So 5 total.
0. Allowed me to believe he was seeking answers and help when he went to the doctor and had blood tests done for overall health and T-levels which came back all good.
0. Eventually settled on the scapegoat of anxiety and took it as far as getting medicated for it. He’s since admitted any anxiety was self-induced and caused by PA.
0. On New Years Eve 2017, he flirted with and touched my best friends side at a party (and she had told me that he cornered her at the same party a few years prior in an uncomfortable way, as well) and then fell asleep as soon as we were alone together and I tried to initiate.
0. January 2018- I confront him about possible porn usage being the problem. He denies it and agrees to see therapist 3- the sex and porn addiction specialist for an eval. He tells her everything she wants to hear and maintains he has no issue with porn. Lies to therapist and me. Promises he won’t watch any porn anyway since it bothers me.
0. Sex was getting progressively more aggressive and uncomfortable for me, more centered on just getting him off or keeping him hard.
0. About 70% of the time we had sex, he would not be able to get hard at all or he would lose his erection midway.
0. He wasn’t able to get hard after like a solid ten minutes of oral sex which would normally be the only way I could get him going.
0. Huge red flag and tipping point for me was when he needed to aggressively have oral sex in a way that made me very uncomfortable and was straight out of a porn in order to stay hard and then the second I asked him to move on to PIV sex, he lost it entirely. From rock hard to gone in half a second.
0. At that point I sat him down (June 2018) and asked him again about his porn usage. He lied at first and said there was occasional porn use but no big deal. Then eventually ended up admitting to watching it that day, the day before and so on. He broke his promise.
0. He admitted after two days of me asking questions that he may have a porn problem and agreed to see a therapist and he put content blockers on his phone at this time as well as deleted Instagram, Facebook. He also turned NSFW off on reddit, where he said he viewed most of his porn.
0. We went on a romantic trip to an island on a boat and there was no sex- he just asked for a BJ. He also got caught ogling a waitress’ ass.
0. By August, he admitted to turning NSFW on reddit back on 3 times to watch porn. He even used a back up account to do it.
0. Anytime he sees me reading any forums or books on his addiction or peoples experiences with PAs, he gets angry and defensive and tells me I shouldn’t be filling my head with that stuff.
0. Anytime I asked him to get rid of something off his phone that might cause him problems (like reddit), he would get defensive and try to convince me why he needs to have it for non-porn purposes. Did the same thing about my nudes on his phone saying it was “taking me away from him”.
0. His apologies, excuses and promises for “fixing this and making it all up to me” are identical, like a broken record to what he said to me one year ago and I have it documented.
0. Said he was doing a 90 day reset with no PMO at all. Has been masturbating “occasionally” the whole time since.
0. I set clear, written boundaries and consequences and he immediately disrespected them and when confronted, brushed it off as a flirty challenge and didn’t take any of it seriously.
0. Got angry with me for saying I was hoping there would be sex on our anniversary this year, said he didn’t want there to be any expectations.
0. Always tells me he’s worried about having sex again in the future because “if he gets ED, I’ll blame it on porn when really it’s just anxiety” which is what he always blamed it on before.
0. First night in our new hot tub under the stars. No kids. I am topless and flirty and we are doing good and happier than usual- he showed zero interest whatsoever. Not a single move was attempted on his part which is never the case when he’s actually off porn, he has a hard time keeping his hands off or not flirting.
0. He admitted to masturbating two days ago on 10/6 while I was away at work.

(Numbers didn’t copy but there are 36.)

NF4L · Oct 9, 2018

I’m sorry to see what you have been going through for years. Sounds like a clear cut case of PA to me, perhaps even SA given some of the acting out. You need to realize that this isn’t your fault, you are not crazy, and definitely don’t deserve any of this.
Has he seen said list? Were you able enforce your boundary that he broke? Given the lies, and lack of actions on his part have you established any new boundaries or consequences? Lastly, if he refuses to seek help or recovery, do you have a nest egg, somewhere safe to go, or are you trapped in the relationship?

DoGoodStayClean · Oct 9, 2018

"Even sprinted over to me to hit “empty trash” before I could view it"

This one reads like he actually - at least at that point in time - tried to remove it.

Many of us have been through the same cycle. Feel guilty, get serious about stopping this evil P crap, remove everything - just to be caught the next hours or the next day by the temptations.

Think about this way. If P was in the Trash folder on his account, he must have had decided that P is for the trash.

My humble advise would be:

Without using "you" or "porn" or anything sex-related, talk to him about the Internet being a huge problem nowdays, and that YOU feel very uncomfortable after all YOUR experiences (don't mention him and don't talk about him - if he attacks you verbally, don't reciprocate). You need to stop using the internet at home. The internet is very useful for many applications but mostly for education and professional life. At home, there are MANY downsides! How about not having Internet at home, at least for a while? Make up your own mind about this and then speak with him - but ONLY about the Internet, not him or his problems.

Besides his addiction, your description doesn't sound like he is a very nice guy. Big alert: I'm a guy myself, I only read your description and obviously you have any right to be angry and in despair, but those emotions likely influenced your description. But anyway, MAYBE you should go back to your parents for a week or two and make your own mind up? Ask yourself if this is how you want to become old. You say he fapped while you were at work. Is he working too? Full-time work is a very efficient psychological treatment.

Think about the good sides of him. Seriously. Write them down and judge if this is the person you want to be with. You wrote that he has been to therapists too, so he doesn't seem to be some aggressive kind of guy who is arrogant and doesn't want anyone to tell him anything. What background are you from? Religious? Maybe he notices that there is some issue (moving P to the trash, agreeing to go to therapists, ..) but he has a blockade?
Many couples do a mistake, which is always talking in the same manner with each other and things escalate. You sometimes see this with old couples that don't go well together. The guy does something, wife gives disrespectful comment, guy answers aggressively, both start fighting each other, and it is always the same escalation pattern because both use some kind of triggers which they unconsciously made well-established in their relationship. Whenever you see them fight, it's been the same simple escalation triggers and steps that lead to it, and neither of the two notices them or thinks about changing his behavior.
I tell this to you so you might notice some triggers when you talk to each other. For example, when I read your text, I noticed that "hit “empty trash” before I could view it" part, but why would you want to view his trash. Or got caught ogling a waitress’ ass but besides all those other problems, he's a guy after all and you are not some kind of school teacher whose job is getting him caught. He's an adult man! I don't write this against you but only because I noticed it and maybe after everything you've been through, you have some kind of top-down approach to him, some kind of teacher-to-little-boy style where he just blocks any communication attempt.
However, from my own experience, I have to say that fapping makes men behave unmanly and women are thus subconciously invited to communicate with the guy like he was some unworthy little boy that needs some lessons taught.
Like I said, I just write this so you might classify your experiences better and possibly (!!!) adjust your communication style.

Ask yourself: Do you love him?

Ask yourself: Does he love you?

DesperateHousewife7 · Oct 10, 2018

NF4L said: ↑

I’m sorry to see what you have been going through for years. Sounds like a clear cut case of PA to me, perhaps even SA given some of the acting out. You need to realize that this isn’t your fault, you are not crazy, and definitely don’t deserve any of this.
Has he seen said list? Were you able enforce your boundary that he broke? Given the lies, and lack of actions on his part have you established any new boundaries or consequences? Lastly, if he refuses to seek help or recovery, do you have a nest egg, somewhere safe to go, or are you trapped in the relationship?
Click to expand...

I haven’t showed him the list yet. I offered to but he said it wouldn’t help him in his recovery attempt so I wouldn’t push it. Yes, I’ve rewritten my boundaries and added specific consequences and I’ve read them to him and sent an emailed copy to him. He seems to be doing everything he can be doing right now and focusing on his recovery for the moment. Should he break the boundary that ends the marriage, he agreed to be the one to move out and leave me and the kids to the house.

NF4L · Oct 11, 2018

It definitely has to be taken one step at a time. Early in the process, everyday seems like a struggle. But each day becomes easier, each moment becomes clearer, especially as the fog lifts, the abuse we’ve wrought, and the addiction we’ve succumbed to. Stay strong, and persistent. You’ve done well to clarify where you stand and reinforcing your boundaries, and having them available for reference. The tough part is to also stay open, and accepting, both to his struggle, and his honesty. I’m sure you know how much a delicate balance it can be.
I apologize for not reading your initial posts before this one when I first replied. You’ve been through a lot, and dealt with enough.
For one, a reboot does not make a recovery. I don’t say this so much for you, but for him. Hopefully you can show him this, or he is already on here, and can start to see this for himself. He cannot do this alone. A reboot is only a start, a chance to see there is a different way to live, and a new path that can be made in life with P, M, and O. It is a start to clarity. To freedom. And ideally to an awakening, that embraces vulnerability, honest emotional connection, and real connected intimacy. He deserves this, just as much as you do.
As for not reading your list, he should. Perhaps you shouldn’t push it, but only remind him you have it available to share, when he is ready, and open to it. I blame a lot of this on the self preservation of the PA, it thrives in ignorance, secrecy, and lies. It can only be overcome by being taken out of the shadows and exposed, rather than hidden and denied. Through admittance, acknowledgement, understanding, and ownership over our past wrongs can this battle be truly conquered. I wish you the best to see and hear how you both progress.

DesperateHousewife7 · Oct 11, 2018

Thank you. I don’t have much hope right now after seeing the lengths he’s gone to protect his PA, and what he’s bulldozed in the process. But I do know one thing for sure and that’s that I won’t allow it to happen to me again. I have no fear of moving on if I have to.

Log in

Husband said he is doing a 90 day reboot to be done with this addiction once and for all...

DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

NF4L Fapstronaut

DoGoodStayClean Fapstronaut

DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

NF4L Fapstronaut

DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

Share This Page