Husband just told me that he prefers porn to me :(

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by cantcopeanymore, Jun 10, 2018.

  1. cantcopeanymore

    cantcopeanymore Fapstronaut

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    Me 27 and H 33 have been together since I was 16 and married since I was 19. When we first met we had a lot of sex but it was degrading and painful. I felt like he wasn't present. I was just a toy to him getting off. I found his porn and it appeared he was reenacting what he was viewing. I said I cant live like that and that he needs to make a choice between me and porn and he chose me. He stopped the violent sex and it was fine for a while. Fast forward 3 years and it seemed I was begging him to have sex with me, my confidence was at rock bottom and I was losing my self worth. He said he just had a low sex drive but I found out he had been watching porn 3 times a day and rejecting my every advance :( We hit rock bottom went to counselling etc and things improved but the sex was still only once every 2 weeks and only when I asked for it. I brought it up recently and said I need more connection and that we need to find out why he has a low sex drive and he agreed to see a dr. He still hadn't made an appointment 2 months later so I went snooping and found that he never quit porn at all :( He said he loves me as a friend thinks im attractive but dosent have any desire to have sex with me. He said he has never enjoyed sex with any real person and that porn gives him a rush that I could never compete with. He has told me to get a divorce because he will always go back to porn and I deserve more. Im heartbroken and feel like my life is one big lie and Im really depressed :'(
     
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  2. Thomas8

    Thomas8 Fapstronaut

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    I read your post and it brought a tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry for you in this situation. My wife found my porn stuff and confronted me about it. But I quickly gave it up for her, I knew I had a problem and I wanted to quiet more then she wanted me to. So this gave me even more reasons to stop.

    I know he doesn't love porn more than you, it just easier. Can't disappoint porn, and it never says not or complains. But no matter what its not real. He's embarrassed, feels ashamed.

    I know this may sound bad, but tell him if he wants a divorce that he has to give up porn for 6 months, that mean not computer, not smart phone, no what even way he gets his porn from. He has to go to counseling during this time. And you have to have sex at least twice a week with you. At the end of this, if he still wants a divorce you'll think about it. All the best to you going though this.
     
  3. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    I am so sorry that your husband did this to you.
     
  4. cantcopeanymore

    cantcopeanymore Fapstronaut

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    Thanks so much for replying and well done on giving up for yourself and your wife. Ive cried and begged him to connect and have a proper marriage with me for years but he used to say it was because he had a low sex drive. Now he tells me he thinks im attractive but not sexually to him :( he said he knows I deserve more but he cant give it to me because he will always go back to porn because he cant help it and it makes him want to kill himself. I feel like for my own sanity I will have to let him go because as it is now its either me or him that will end up dead :(
     
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  5. cantcopeanymore

    cantcopeanymore Fapstronaut

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    could I ask you guys how did you feel about your partners during your porn addiction? did you not want to have sex with them? did you still find them attractive? and has that changed since quitting? thanks in advance :)
     
    Healmyheart likes this.
  6. Julius93

    Julius93 Fapstronaut

    That's sad. There is a large probability that he did not mean what he has said. I think that he needs some space and time to make up his mind. A divorce won't solve his porn addiction. It might save you the trouble, but I understand that it is not the solution you prefer. Maybe you can convince him -when he is ready- to sign up here and give it another try. It is going to be hard to quit, but it is certainly not impossible.
     
    cantcopeanymore likes this.
  7. Thomas8

    Thomas8 Fapstronaut

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    When I was on P, my desire for my wife fell. When I stopped it brew up. It is like this, lets say I need 10 units of "sex", porn provided me 5 units and my wife provided me 5 units. When I stopped, I got all 10 units from my wife, the way it supposed to be. Your husband getting all 10 units from porn. He does not have low sex drive, he has a sex addiction, which is robbing him of a meaningful relationship. He believing the lie that his body is telling him of "I need porn". No man does, but we get catch up in this lie and start to believe that it's true. But in the end its just a lie. If he is choosing porn over life he needs some professional help, that this forum is not set up to do. He may join this place and understand that yes I need help, but it has to be up to him. Sorry to say that, but he has to be willing to change, he going to have to hate porn, and love life.
     
  8. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    I'm so sorry, that is such a painful thing to have gone through. I'm sorry he wants to give up the fight. He will regret his choice.
     
  9. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

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    Intentionally making a very sterile observation:

    He is, precisely and fully, describing the symptoms of porn addiction, as though it were a pamphlet on The Simpsons entitled So You've Given Up on Real People.
     
  10. STAR DUST

    STAR DUST Fapstronaut

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    Wow sorry to hear are u okay
     
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  11. cantcopeanymore

    cantcopeanymore Fapstronaut

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    we have split up and since got back together and he has joined NoFap :) he also put ever accountable on his phone so that I can feel safe knowing what he views.
    I am still really broken about it all as although I do understand its an addiction I just cant get my head around him knowing how it would ruin me and our marriage and he still took the risk :(
    I feel like he didn't care and didn't love me enough...I really struggle when we have sex or even if he looks at me in a sexual way. I feel judged and dirty and not good enough. I need to work on my self esteem issues but the strange thing is that if another man looks at me lustfully I dont feel those things I actually can accept a compliment and believe other men, I just dont know why I cant from my husband.
     
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  12. cantcopeanymore

    cantcopeanymore Fapstronaut

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    also I need help with being able to communicate with my hubby, When im having a bad day of feeling low or remembering all the bad time etc id really love to be able to confide in him and him give me a reassuring hug but if I so much as bring it up he gets defensive and it ends up a shouting match and then both of us feel worse and we end up taking 2 steps back :( he says that when I bring it up I dont stop at one question and I dont believe his answers anyway so it frustrates him. I dont want to upset or frustrate him but sometimes I just cant cope with the questions and turmoil in my head.
     
  13. STAR DUST

    STAR DUST Fapstronaut

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    He has bankrupted your emotional bank account and I am so sorry.
     
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  14. STAR DUST

    STAR DUST Fapstronaut

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    Did you date anyone else during the break. In actuality or emotionally?
     
  15. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    This is paramount!! If words and actions don't line up and no consistency occurs... healing doesn't occur. My husband still isn't consistent and words and actions don't line up and we are over two years post dday... our relationship healing has been minimal and trust hasn't been earned. Even though we are over two years post dday I often feel only a couple months out of DDay because of the inconsistency and words and actions not lining up.
     
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  16. STAR DUST

    STAR DUST Fapstronaut

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    the bridge is in ashes and this is what the end looks like
     
  17. I'm 33 and got married at 19 too. This spoke to me and is a really good reminder of addict behaviour. I was way too much of a "nice guy" to behave the way he did to you, but my addict brain sometimes would kick out those same thoughts. I've been here since Feb 2018 and while I'm nowhere near healed my acting out behaviors have been reduced 4X or more on average. In my opinion though he needs more then Nofap. I'm pretty new to SAA but in combination with Nofap and the other self improvement reading/activities I feel better then ever. Keep checking in and let us know how it's going.
     
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  18. cantcopeanymore

    cantcopeanymore Fapstronaut

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    well good on you for getting help I bet your wife is happier now :) aswell as you of course haha :) wish my husband would get more help...
     
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  19. cantcopeanymore

    cantcopeanymore Fapstronaut

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    that is the exact boat im in too :( I dont know how it will end up for us but im starting to think that a loving relationship/marriage shouldn't be this painful :'(
     
  20. cantcopeanymore

    cantcopeanymore Fapstronaut

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    Thank you very insightful :) I just feel like im crazy and have been the entire marriage lol I dont even trust my own judgement anymore. I just want it to end in some way so I can have clarity and take a step forward :/
     

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