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Hurt

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by naive lillies, Nov 20, 2018.

  1. naive lillies

    naive lillies Fapstronaut

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    I have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. He doesn't believe people can become addicted to porn and doesn't see anything wrong with watching it and enjoying it daily.

    Things I have felt that have come from his porn addiction, because yes... he's an addict.
    - He seems emotionless. When I use to try and talk to him about all of the problems we are having due to his porn addiction, tears streaming down my face, and it doesn't even affect him at all. It's like he just doesn't care.
    - He struggles and it takes a while for him to orgasm, and it feels like he isn't present. Feels like he is hyper imagining porn scenes to even be able to.
    - He isn't able to maintain a full erection most of the time.
    - He objectifies women. He gets this weirdness about him when he sees someone attractive, and it grosses me out. His eyes get big, and he doesn't blink. I know it's normal for humans to see a nice looking person and to take a glance, but it's feels like he is undressing them with his eyes.
    - He sees everything through perverted colored glasses. He will see something sexual in pretty much anything and everything, and has even commented on pictures posted that are far from sexual with something super gross. He thinks it's just funny.
    -If pretty much is into anything and everything fetish wise when it comes to sex.
    -After we had a few drinks one night, he asked me if I was willing to participate in some of those kinks and fetishes. I was disgusted and my heart broke.
    I love him, but I am so sick of feeling inadequate. I have tried to bring some more excitement into the bedroom, but it's not enough. I just want him to want me, to want US. I love him, love everything else about him. We have a lot of things in common, I enjoy his company outside of sex. I don't know what to do. My heart and emotional health are not safe with him. I don't really feel loved, cherished, wanted, desired, but I feel those things for him. Some days I wish I would have never met him.
    I'm tired, tired of all the problems his porn addiction has brought to my life. I feel like a horrible person, for thinking of just walking away, when that is all that he has ever had happened to him in his life. I know he was a loner as a teen, and was used by people he considered friends, and that those people just felt bad for him and let him tag a long. So I can see how and why his addiction started. Porn was his only comfort and friend for the past 17 or so years. I am just so confused. He has said he would stop watching porn just to keep me happy, but it never sticks. He doesn't think it's a problem at all, that it's just me and my insecurities.
    I'm just tired of all the pain. I wish it would go away.
     
  2. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    I feel your pain. It’s a hard situation. And probably impossible for any improvement if he doesn’t recognize the problem. My husband has acknowledged his problem and claims to be clean for a couple months (but his actions do not necessarily support his claims).

    This may speak more about my situation than for yours but if you aren’t married and don’t have kids, get out! If he doesn’t care to treat you better, do your future self a favor and find a healthier, more loving situation for yourself.
     
    Trappist and anewhope like this.
  3. naive lillies

    naive lillies Fapstronaut

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    How did he become aware that he was addicted? How long has this nightmare been going on for you? What changes/things did he do that made you feel like he was serious about recovering?

    I am sorry you're going through all of that. I know how much it hurts, and the damage it inflicts.
     
  4. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    I caught him in Sept and he came clean. The nightmare has been affecting me for over a decade but I only just caught him recently. I’m also now learning he has skill in lying and covering his tracks.

    Though he has more recently decided he’s not actually addicted. initially he was contrite, read material on the topic, put accountability software on his phone. Heck he even posted a few times on here. However recently he has taken it upon himself to remove the accountability software, is insisting to have access to my phone before he puts it back on his phone. And he’s lost any sense of remorse.

    I’m not sure what to think about his recovery but it doesn’t currently seem like he cares much about rebuilding trust with me. So I’m having a hard time.
     
  5. naive lillies

    naive lillies Fapstronaut

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    I wish I was able to give advice or ideas, but I don't think me and my boyfriend are even going to get to that point. It's just all seeming like too much.

    I do hope that you are taking care of yourself, and that things get better for You. This is all just so heart breaking.
     
    anewhope and Vixen like this.
  6. naive lillies

    naive lillies Fapstronaut

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    Well I wish I would have seen this earlier...

    Yesterday he came over, and gifts me some stuffed animals. I was soo happy, and feeling good about him thinking about me.
    Well we had sex, and he's taking forever.... doesn't even reach an orgasm. He faked an O, and pretended like nothing happened. Rolled over and went to sleep. I layed next to him crying for hours, until I finally fell asleep.
    When we woke up, I asked him if he recently viewed porn. He said yes. I started crying, and yet again he was soo emotionless. I told him to grab his shit, and call me when he accomplishes 90 days of no porn. I also grabbed this enameled rose he had bought me and broke it and threw it in the trash. That surprisingly made him shed a few tears (I wonder why that is). He stuck around for another 20 minutes or so, didn't say anything really. I opened the door, and told him to go.
    Not sure if what I did may come back to bite me in the ass. Not sure if I ruined things for us in his eyes. I don't know anything, just sooo sick of all of this. I know I acted on emotion, and didn't think about what I was saying or doing. I know it was wrong. What I do know, is that if my snapping like that ruined US for him, when it's his stupid addiction that is causing all this, then good riddance. I'll be more heart broken than I already am, but at least I'll know that one moment of pain for him is more important than all the hurt that I am enduring because of his actions.
     
    kropo82 and Trappist like this.
  7. naive lillies

    naive lillies Fapstronaut

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    Oh, and those stuffed animals were just stupid guilt gifts. I don't even want them.
     
  8. naive lillies

    naive lillies Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for your reply. I really do appreciate it. I'm not sure what's going on at the moment with me and the bf, but I refuse to be the one to reach out this time (I have ended things because of the porn once before, and I was the one who reached out and got things going). I am gonna reread your reply a few more times, think about what was written, take notes about questions I have for you. Thank you once again.
     
    Trappist likes this.
  9. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    You didn’t DO anything other than try to get his attention, I mean really GET HIM TO HEAR YOU . If this ends it is NOT BECAUSE OF YOU .
     
    Trappist, Numb and EyesWideOpen like this.
  10. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

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    Listen to Ghost. I swear he's the only one right now keeping me strong and giving me clarity. I could NEVER thank him enough. He knows what he's talking about.
     
    naive lillies and Trappist like this.
  11. naive lillies

    naive lillies Fapstronaut

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    Well I haven't heard from him. As for the question about the gifts: He isn't one to gift things unless it's a birthday or holiday. I should have known something was up. I just don't know what to do with myself at the moment, all I can seem to do is cry.

    Say he does contact me, do i stick to what I said about him calling me when he is 90 days clean? Do i say just that? Do I just ignore him?
    I need to set boundaries/lines, and consequences.... not sure where to start on either of those.

    I broke up with him before over this, but this time it does feel different. So thank you Ghost, you have helped me more than you know. If only I had found this forum a little sooner.
     
    Jennica likes this.
  12. naive lillies

    naive lillies Fapstronaut

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    Could you please help me with boundaries and consequences. I have no idea where to start.

    On another note, still haven't heard from him. If he did contact me, I think the only thing I would say is.... 90 days sober. I honestly think he is waiting for me to be the one to reach out as it's always been me to do so after a fight. Who knows, maybe he doesn't even care, and is happy with his addiction, and it's what matters most to him in the world.
     
  13. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    Don't give in and contact him first, stick to what you say. If you give in to him he will walk all over you and never take your boundaries seriously. Whatever you decide stick with it.
     
    naive lillies likes this.
  14. Lea2222

    Lea2222 New Fapstronaut

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    I do not masturbate. I want to enjoy my partner. I was in this situation. He watched porn all the time and he was tired to do anything with me... totally same situation. I broke up yesterday, it was the right move, but im in love, but i wont leave it happen again. I hope we can find the right person, i wish it for you all. Really. You worth more than a hooker or a pornstar. I hope everybody will find the real partner.
    Good luck for you!
     
  15. naive lillies

    naive lillies Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, had I not found this forum and gotten advice, and read others stories I would have been the one to reach out. I am sticking to not being the one who does. If he does contact me about "us", I am just gonna say 90 days clean and that's it. If he contacts me about giving me my stuff back, I am not even going to respond. If he's using it as a manipulative tactic or not, I can live without everything that he has of mine at his place, and I will just focus on letting go.
     
    Numb likes this.
  16. naive lillies

    naive lillies Fapstronaut

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    I am sorry you had to go through this, it is heart breaking. I know it's going to be hard, and it's going to hurt moving on, but just focus on yourself and do things that bring you happiness. You got this!!!
     
  17. naive lillies

    naive lillies Fapstronaut

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    Well I just found out that he's loving womens pictures, and commenting on them on Facebook. I'm crushed but It's now time for me to move on from him. I have actually learned some lessons from this. No more ignoring red flags. Thank you to every one that has commented, and offered advice. I really appreciated it.

    LOVE porn APART.
     
    Numb and kropo82 like this.
  18. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry things are going this way but good for you to get out now. Part of me wishes I walked the first time this stuff came up in my relationship, but here I am 16 years later and we are only now on the road to recovery. This will all pass and you will be stronger for it. Remember you can stick around here, there is a lot of support for you if you need it.
     
  19. Nate1879

    Nate1879 Fapstronaut

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    It breaks my heart to hear about your situation.

    If you're with someone who won't isn't willing to see the problem, nothing will ever change. You can get something better, something you deserve.
     
    Katrina Rose likes this.

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