Hurt

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by naive lillies, Nov 20, 2018.

  1. naive lillies

    naive lillies Fapstronaut

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    I have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. He doesn't believe people can become addicted to porn and doesn't see anything wrong with watching it and enjoying it daily.

    Things I have felt that have come from his porn addiction, because yes... he's an addict.
    - He seems emotionless. When I use to try and talk to him about all of the problems we are having due to his porn addiction, tears streaming down my face, and it doesn't even affect him at all. It's like he just doesn't care.
    - He struggles and it takes a while for him to orgasm, and it feels like he isn't present. Feels like he is hyper imagining porn scenes to even be able to.
    - He isn't able to maintain a full erection most of the time.
    - He objectifies women. He gets this weirdness about him when he sees someone attractive, and it grosses me out. His eyes get big, and he doesn't blink. I know it's normal for humans to see a nice looking person and to take a glance, but it's feels like he is undressing them with his eyes.
    - He sees everything through perverted colored glasses. He will see something sexual in pretty much anything and everything, and has even commented on pictures posted that are far from sexual with something super gross. He thinks it's just funny.
    -If pretty much is into anything and everything fetish wise when it comes to sex.
    -After we had a few drinks one night, he asked me if I was willing to participate in some of those kinks and fetishes. I was disgusted and my heart broke.
    I love him, but I am so sick of feeling inadequate. I have tried to bring some more excitement into the bedroom, but it's not enough. I just want him to want me, to want US. I love him, love everything else about him. We have a lot of things in common, I enjoy his company outside of sex. I don't know what to do. My heart and emotional health are not safe with him. I don't really feel loved, cherished, wanted, desired, but I feel those things for him. Some days I wish I would have never met him.
    I'm tired, tired of all the problems his porn addiction has brought to my life. I feel like a horrible person, for thinking of just walking away, when that is all that he has ever had happened to him in his life. I know he was a loner as a teen, and was used by people he considered friends, and that those people just felt bad for him and let him tag a long. So I can see how and why his addiction started. Porn was his only comfort and friend for the past 17 or so years. I am just so confused. He has said he would stop watching porn just to keep me happy, but it never sticks. He doesn't think it's a problem at all, that it's just me and my insecurities.
    I'm just tired of all the pain. I wish it would go away.
     
  2. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    I feel your pain. It’s a hard situation. And probably impossible for any improvement if he doesn’t recognize the problem. My husband has acknowledged his problem and claims to be clean for a couple months (but his actions do not necessarily support his claims).

    This may speak more about my situation than for yours but if you aren’t married and don’t have kids, get out! If he doesn’t care to treat you better, do your future self a favor and find a healthier, more loving situation for yourself.
     
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  3. naive lillies

    naive lillies Fapstronaut

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    How did he become aware that he was addicted? How long has this nightmare been going on for you? What changes/things did he do that made you feel like he was serious about recovering?

    I am sorry you're going through all of that. I know how much it hurts, and the damage it inflicts.
     
  4. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    I caught him in Sept and he came clean. The nightmare has been affecting me for over a decade but I only just caught him recently. I’m also now learning he has skill in lying and covering his tracks.

    Though he has more recently decided he’s not actually addicted. initially he was contrite, read material on the topic, put accountability software on his phone. Heck he even posted a few times on here. However recently he has taken it upon himself to remove the accountability software, is insisting to have access to my phone before he puts it back on his phone. And he’s lost any sense of remorse.

    I’m not sure what to think about his recovery but it doesn’t currently seem like he cares much about rebuilding trust with me. So I’m having a hard time.
     
  5. naive lillies

    naive lillies Fapstronaut

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    I wish I was able to give advice or ideas, but I don't think me and my boyfriend are even going to get to that point. It's just all seeming like too much.

    I do hope that you are taking care of yourself, and that things get better for You. This is all just so heart breaking.
     
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  6. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Good Morning @naive lillies,
    A) He's wrong
    B) He's wrong again
    This is GREAT! I often talk about "gut instincts", "women's intuition", and "sixth sense". You've managed to put together at least a half a dozen pieces of the puzzle that makes up the whole picture. Individually, they are merely coincidental and you can't put your finger on it. But collectively, it paints a pretty clear picture about what's going on here. RED FLAG #1: Lack of Emotion. RED FLAG #2: DE. RED FLAG #3: Lack of Presence. RED FLAG #4: PIED; RED FLAG #5: Objectification of Women. RED FLAG #6: Objectification of Anything Else. RED FLAG #7: Extreme Fetishes. RED FLAG #8: Dragging you down the proverbial Addiction Rabbit Hole with him. Yep, you've done well with your description. You've painted a great picture of what's going on and put the puzzle together nicely. You've also made it very easy for someone like me to determine that there is indeed a problem with him and that he is indeed addicted. He can say and do whatever he wants. The tell/tale/tail signs are that he is.

    Understandable.
    And to the addicted SA/PA, it will never be enough. Bringing "...some more excitement into the bedroom" does not help. It only exacerbates the problem and enables his behavior to continue.
    Well, you need to know that this is not about you. This is all about him and what he has allowed his addiction to control. You are beautiful in body, mind, and spirit. Do not allow him or anyone else to lead you to believe or feel any differently. Remember that. Nonetheless, we'll keep reminding you of it.
    I do. Set Boundaries & Consequences and execute them. If you need help with those, let me know, and I'll help you.
    Precisely why you need the Boundaries & Consequences.
    If that is the case, let's start with those Boundaries & Consequences and go from there. You can't make him see what he is doing to you. You have to allow him to form that conclusion on his own. He needs to own it. That's what the Boundaries & Consequences will do. Then if it doesn't work, either way, you'll be OK with the choices you have made. And he will have to accept the consequences of whatever choices he makes.
    I understand. I get it.
    I, and a whole lot of others can truly empathize with that emotion. It is so unfortunate and so horrible and so devastating. I get it. Fortunately for you, you get it too. That's a great starting point.
    LOL, so are the rest of us, but that's neither here nor there. Let's put some sanity into it so that we can proceed forward with something healthy in your life.
    He should be careful he doesn't make promises he can't keep. I don't know of a single person who said "I'll stop" to make his Partner happy, and it worked. Not one.
    Well shit! There's RED FLAG #9: Gaslighting. Not only does he have an addiction problem, but has led you to believe it is your fault. I want to make this unequivocally clear to you. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, FORM, OR FASHION. This is all on him. This is all his own doing. Don't you believe for a second that you contributed to this at all.
    Of course you are. You've come to somewhere you can get some answers and some help. You don't have to wish it to go away anymore. Now you can develop a real action plan with milestones. It's you making a choice to either fix the relationship or walk away from it and it is his choice whether he wants to continue to embrace his PMO activities or to have a relationship with you. We all make choices. We can either reap the benefits of those choices or suffer the consequences. Either way, we make those choices.
    Only you can decide how far you are willing to go with this. Your biggest obstacle right now and it is out of your control? Him recognizing that it is a problem. Until he does, all of this conversation is just window dressing. If he isn't convinced, tell him to come check this place out, and the rest of us will be more than happy to enlighten him.

    Now, for you:
    • Boundaries & Consequences are a must. (NOTE: They are not to control or punish. They are for your self-preservation and safety and security in your relationship.
    • DO NOT under any circumstances remotely consider any future solidification of your relationship such as marriage until he has real recovery under his belt. I'm not talking about the proverbial 90 day milestone. I'm talking about at a minimum of 1 year; preferably 3. Trust me on this. You do not want to go further unless he has a demonstrated.
    • DO NOT except any blame or responsibility for any of his behavior. If you were the perfect woman, and you aren't (nobody is), it wouldn't have made a bit of difference. Any act of yours that goes against your values is wrong for you and enabling for him. Remember that.
    • You ARE beautiful in body, mind, and spirit. So, please, as a reminder, his affects on your self-esteem are driven by his propensity to act out in his PMO behavior. It IS all his.
    • If you need/want help, just ask. Everybody here is ready, willing, and able to help you process this and walk through it. Just ask @Vixen!
     
  7. naive lillies

    naive lillies Fapstronaut

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    Well I wish I would have seen this earlier...

    Yesterday he came over, and gifts me some stuffed animals. I was soo happy, and feeling good about him thinking about me.
    Well we had sex, and he's taking forever.... doesn't even reach an orgasm. He faked an O, and pretended like nothing happened. Rolled over and went to sleep. I layed next to him crying for hours, until I finally fell asleep.
    When we woke up, I asked him if he recently viewed porn. He said yes. I started crying, and yet again he was soo emotionless. I told him to grab his shit, and call me when he accomplishes 90 days of no porn. I also grabbed this enameled rose he had bought me and broke it and threw it in the trash. That surprisingly made him shed a few tears (I wonder why that is). He stuck around for another 20 minutes or so, didn't say anything really. I opened the door, and told him to go.
    Not sure if what I did may come back to bite me in the ass. Not sure if I ruined things for us in his eyes. I don't know anything, just sooo sick of all of this. I know I acted on emotion, and didn't think about what I was saying or doing. I know it was wrong. What I do know, is that if my snapping like that ruined US for him, when it's his stupid addiction that is causing all this, then good riddance. I'll be more heart broken than I already am, but at least I'll know that one moment of pain for him is more important than all the hurt that I am enduring because of his actions.
     
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  8. naive lillies

    naive lillies Fapstronaut

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    Oh, and those stuffed animals were just stupid guilt gifts. I don't even want them.
     
  9. naive lillies

    naive lillies Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for your reply. I really do appreciate it. I'm not sure what's going on at the moment with me and the bf, but I refuse to be the one to reach out this time (I have ended things because of the porn once before, and I was the one who reached out and got things going). I am gonna reread your reply a few more times, think about what was written, take notes about questions I have for you. Thank you once again.
     
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  10. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    You didn’t DO anything other than try to get his attention, I mean really GET HIM TO HEAR YOU . If this ends it is NOT BECAUSE OF YOU .
     
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  11. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    If you saw the sheer volume of what I write in here, you'd understand why it took so long for me to say anything.
    How special! Question: Is this something normal or normal only when he is expecting something in return?
    Well there ya go. How does that make you feel when he brings you gifts and you have sex with him?
    "Rut Row, now she's serious!"
    It could be "Oh shit. I've really fucked up now" or it could be another of many patronizing reactions like all the other shit he has done (that's my vote). It's "Well, I cried her a bucket full and that didn't work. Now what?"
    Ouch. You know that you've just become "an uncompromising bitch; a real crazy ass psycho bitch". right? It's "I don't know WTF her problem is. All I am doing is PMO. I mean, everybody does it!" To put it in terms of a genuine Southern Dialect, "You done good! You done real good!". I'm so proud of the way you handled that. As for what I just said here? Don't be surprised if you hear it from someone else. Pissed off addicts tend to run off at the mouth.
    The only way it will bite you in the ass is if you give him a free pass on it. Without so much as writing it down, you just executed a consequence for a boundary. Congratulations. The reason you write them down though is so that there is absolutely positively no misunderstanding of what actions cause what reactions. He learned this one the hard way.
    Look, you made a choice. You made a choice not to accept behavior you will not tolerate in your relationship. He made a choice. He made a choice to PMO in spite of you having a problem with it. His emotional reaction, becoming the contributing factor it has been, was the proverbial last straw for you. You haven't ruined things for you either way. If you've ruined them for "us", it is by his own volition that it has become ruined. He exhibits action. You are only reacting to his actions. Good actions yield good reactions. Bad actions yield bad reactions.
    Yeah, but you also acted out of love. This kind of stuff, you have to take a hard line against. Don't beat yourself up over this. If you "...ruined US for him..." then he wasn't committed enough to the relationship in the first place.
    You are absolutely right. Your heart will heal. Mine is still healing, and I even had a heart attack in the middle of all of it. Yours too will heal and either way, you'll be a much better woman for it.
     
    naive lillies likes this.
  12. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

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    Listen to Ghost. I swear he's the only one right now keeping me strong and giving me clarity. I could NEVER thank him enough. He knows what he's talking about.
     
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  13. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    I only wish I could live up to that ringing endorsement. Unfortunately, I learned it the hard way. But if I can save but one person the devastating agony of collateral damage this shit has caused, it will be worth every effort I put into it. Thank you!
     
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  14. naive lillies

    naive lillies Fapstronaut

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    Well I haven't heard from him. As for the question about the gifts: He isn't one to gift things unless it's a birthday or holiday. I should have known something was up. I just don't know what to do with myself at the moment, all I can seem to do is cry.

    Say he does contact me, do i stick to what I said about him calling me when he is 90 days clean? Do i say just that? Do I just ignore him?
    I need to set boundaries/lines, and consequences.... not sure where to start on either of those.

    I broke up with him before over this, but this time it does feel different. So thank you Ghost, you have helped me more than you know. If only I had found this forum a little sooner.
     
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  15. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Then cry. It cleanses the heart and cleanses the mind and cleanses the soul. Crying is good. As to what to do with yourself, take it one day at a time.
    First of all, go ahead and get prepared with how you are going to respond to him when he calls. If you aren't ready, don't answer. Let him leave a voicemail. Go ahead and create your Boundaries & Consequences for everything going forward. I can help you with those if you want/need. Once you have those set and written out, then that would be good to set a date and time to meet in a public place to share them with him. If he embraces them? Great! If he doesn't, we'll cross that bridge when you get ready to meet him.
    Perhaps it is different. Timing is everything. We don't get to choose our timing. That's something that happens, not because of us, but in spite of us. Don't be too hard on yourself or beat yourself up over this. It happens all over the world for reasons we cannot understand or explain. So just embrace it, and take whatever actions you need to take in your pursuit of happiness. That's what is most important. You've got this. You just don't know it yet.
     
  16. naive lillies

    naive lillies Fapstronaut

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    Could you please help me with boundaries and consequences. I have no idea where to start.

    On another note, still haven't heard from him. If he did contact me, I think the only thing I would say is.... 90 days sober. I honestly think he is waiting for me to be the one to reach out as it's always been me to do so after a fight. Who knows, maybe he doesn't even care, and is happy with his addiction, and it's what matters most to him in the world.
     
  17. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    Don't give in and contact him first, stick to what you say. If you give in to him he will walk all over you and never take your boundaries seriously. Whatever you decide stick with it.
     
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  18. Lea2222

    Lea2222 New Fapstronaut

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    I do not masturbate. I want to enjoy my partner. I was in this situation. He watched porn all the time and he was tired to do anything with me... totally same situation. I broke up yesterday, it was the right move, but im in love, but i wont leave it happen again. I hope we can find the right person, i wish it for you all. Really. You worth more than a hooker or a pornstar. I hope everybody will find the real partner.
    Good luck for you!
     
  19. naive lillies

    naive lillies Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, had I not found this forum and gotten advice, and read others stories I would have been the one to reach out. I am sticking to not being the one who does. If he does contact me about "us", I am just gonna say 90 days clean and that's it. If he contacts me about giving me my stuff back, I am not even going to respond. If he's using it as a manipulative tactic or not, I can live without everything that he has of mine at his place, and I will just focus on letting go.
     
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  20. naive lillies

    naive lillies Fapstronaut

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    I am sorry you had to go through this, it is heart breaking. I know it's going to be hard, and it's going to hurt moving on, but just focus on yourself and do things that bring you happiness. You got this!!!
     

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