Human behaviour?

Hey. I am not sure where to start, but here goes:

Short story
- Been a porn addict since my dad died 9 years ago (I was 21 then).
- I lost two boyfriends because of porn/hookup addiction, afraid my current boyfriend might dump me.
- A friend told me to come here... I do not know where to start. (PS: Friend lives in a farm in the middle of nowhere, so chatting/getting hold of him is really difficult)

Human behaviour?
- Perhaps all these weird sexual behaviours are to be human? I must overcome these and surpass humanity (alla Nietzsche).
- I am addicted to porn, hookups, and light BDSM.
- Corcerning psychology: I am trying to figure out why I like to be dominated. My father's death might have something to do with psychological development or something. I am working hard on figuring out this one.
- Tonight I watched totally illegal stuff, and that really sparked concern in me. I feel bad and like crying. Porn/lust is a downward spiral. My thoughts do not usually includes illegal stuff, but I suppose that is what lust does to a person.

What I want to do
- Stop porn addiction
- Stop hookups

Whenever I try to stop masturbating/watching porn, my desires intensifies (I suppose that is normal) - I cannot sleep, I cannot work, I am severely anxious. I've read through the guidelines, and hence I am not giving out details here. Obviously I do not want to trigger anyone.

I do not want to get STDs, be alone, or live a double life. Also, I don't want some pathetic porn blocker. I want to build the discipline of sorting through my issues and doing it myself. Too many people I know have porn blockers that does NOTHING to them - as soon as they can bypass the system they will watch porn. I want CHANGE.

Where do I start? Please help - I am desperate, and deeply hurt.

 

This morning I thought about shamanism, and I was reminded of a warning: Do not stare into the cosmos because the cosmos stares back.

Likewise: Do not stare into porn because porn stares back.

I will let you think about that one.

 

MEDITATE, I MUST! It has been 24 hours. Last night I felt very anxious, but my brother and sister came to visit and we had a blast - jokes all night!

I am panicky. MUST WANK! But now I am going to meditate, and pray. I've made it to here. Press on...

 

Came across porn by accident - super turned on. Pressed the emergency button, and this popped up:



Yeah, I started crying. I must say no. But it's not easy today. This morning was fine, but I am tired now. And needy. MUST PRESS ON! Lord, help!

 

Hey. I've been quiet. Been porning, but less so.

I am unanchored. My sister gave birth today (I became an uncle), but I do not care. My mom (who I am estranged from) let me know. My family distanced themselves from me because I am gay. My BF is closeted, and it's difficult. I am mostly alone. No BF, no family. I realised today how much I need family after watching the video below:



I want you to be happier.

Over the past week I've cut down porn to once a day. But I know I must let go. It's not easy, letting go of porn, and getting healed of hurt. For too long I've been using porn when I'm alone.

Over the weekend I hooked up with two guys. I realised that it's temporary. It's not the real thing. Gosh, it's not even my BF! This is the most difficult thing I've ever done... but it must be done. I must let go of porn.

 

Thank you. I am considering doing that in my room. I can't do it all over the house. But I want to write down why I must stop.

 

After a three day streak, I watched porn today. I feel sad.

Life has not been kind. I am terribly depressed tonight. But I will not watch porn. Maybe just curl up in a ball and cry.

This weekend I watched Vertigo (the opening also features in Lady Gaga's "Born this way"). The haunting opening is almost archetypal - and it has been awakening something deeply embedded in my shadow.

 

Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.

- I cheated on my BF. I slept with a few guys.
- I watched porn.
- I fell into a deep depression.

I came to recognise my shadow (Jungian psychology term), and realised some childhood trauma. Last week I did a presentation on Jung for church, and in doing so came to discover some parts of my past.

Connection. I am tired of NSA. I need friendship. It's been on my mind. There is a lot on my mind, but I take it one day at a time. I have not wanked today yet.