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Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Calamansi, Nov 5, 2017.

A man watching transwoman porn is straight or bisexual?

  1. Straight

    4 vote(s)
    100.0%
  2. Bisexual

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  1. Calamansi

    Calamansi Fapstronaut

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    hello all I'm here to hear from y'all. My husband is addicted to porn (transwoman) for approx 15 yrs. I didn't know that he was doing it since we got married I thought he is a guy that doesn't do that kind of stuff so it shocked me the first time he confessed about it. He promised to stop but keeps relapsing. He asked to be put on chastity device to overcome his addiction with porn and masturbation. Is he serious about overcoming ? Or this is just another perv move to feed another fantasy? Is it necessary to use the cage to overcome ? For me I just want him to have control of himself and trust the Lord not use a device bought from a fetish toy store . I'm so lost I am a very conservative woman growing up in a conservative Christian family. This is causing so much stress.
     
    KevinesKay likes this.
  2. Skeptic25

    Skeptic25 Fapstronaut

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    I can't imagine the confusion and stress this is causing you (and him) and I really do feel for you. Unfortunately, the only easy answer in this situation is that a chastity device is definitely not the solution. Only homest self-reflection and dialogue can resolve this.

    Sexuality is complicated and only your husband knows exactly what is going on. If he is interested in changing his behavior, he needs to be the one seeking help. This isn't something that anyone else can do for him. If it is within your means, marriage counseling can be a very positive resource.
     
    Arohamystic likes this.
  3. true_legit

    true_legit Fapstronaut

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    Hi,
    I believe he is serious about overcoming his problem, but it is very difficult, which is why so many people are trying to get help on this forum. The thing about porn addiction is that you are always trying to find the next new thing that will get your dopamine running. You start off with normal porn, then you go into anal or w/e, eventually you get into some weird stuff, like transwoman. It seriously affects your brain and makes you crave the feeling you get from porn and masturbation, which makes it hard to quit. I dont know him, but I dont think he is a perv. Most likely he is a normal guy whose porn addiction has gone too far. If you look around on the forums here, Im sure you will find many people in the exact same situation.

    I dont think a chastity device would help him. That would only be a temporary solution. If he doesnt overcome his problems, he would fall back into the same bad habits once the device is off. My advice is that he should first of all start an account here, if he hasnt already. Ive only been here for a few days, but the support is incredible. Also, it creates a sense of accountability. You can start your own journal and get an accountability partner. That keeps you reminded of your problems and gives you motivation to stay strong when you feel like relapsing. Im sure you have been doing your best to help him, but sometimes you need the help from someone that is in the same situation. If that doesnt work, I guess counselling is the next step. Best of luck
     
  4. Calamansi

    Calamansi Fapstronaut

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    He said he is so serious about overcoming he is willing to have chemical castration (taking female hormones to kill the erections and sex drive ). But I found out also that he loves to crossdress. He can masturbate by just wearing a woman underwear. He also allowed me to have a long out of the country vacation so he can dress up like a woman and paint his nails when I'm gone (of course I didn't know he was doing that or I will never leave ). I also read histories in his phone searching about hormone therapy for male to female transformation etc ... so it made me skeptical if his desire to do hormone therapy is to overcome masturbation or to fulfill another fantasy of becoming a woman. ‍♀️‍♀️ I promise I am so stressed out and don't know what to do. I can't tell anybody about my problem because it's just embarrassing. My sisters are my best friends and confidant and I can't even tell them my problem.
     
    KevinesKay likes this.
  5. Skeptic25

    Skeptic25 Fapstronaut

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    It sounds to me like your husband may be transgender or non-binary, meaning that deep down he does not identify as a man. It is much more likely that his porn use is an exploration of this part of his identity that he doesn't feel comfortable showing to the world, rather than the root cause.

    Abstaining from masturbation and porn may give him space to reflect on his gender identity, but it will not make him a cis-gender straight man (essentially born a man, feels like a man, and attracted to women). You and he should look up information and resources about gender identity and gender expression. Look for counselors in your area or organizations who specialize in LGBTQ support. The Pflag website is a great place to start. Coming to terms with this part of him won't be easy for either of you, but honesty and openness are crucial. You are not alone!

    I have known a handful of people who realized in their 40s that their true gender or sexual orientation were not what they thought. It was incredibly emotionally trying for them, their partners, and their children but they faced reality head-on and ALL of them are happier because of it.

    The most important thing is that you care for each other. I can tell by your story that he loves you and you love him. Try to be open to what he tells you because he needs your love and support now more than ever.
     
  6. true_legit

    true_legit Fapstronaut

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    @Skeptic25
    You could be right, but there are also people who are straight and develop a fetish for female transformation. Crossdressing and chemical castration could be part of that fetish. I have read plenty of stories where that is the case, its hard to know how its like here though
     
    anewhope, Calamansi and Skeptic25 like this.
  7. Skeptic25

    Skeptic25 Fapstronaut

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    I think the only thing we can say for sure is that human sexuality is a giant grey area. It's very hard to say anything definitive about someone else's experience.
     
    true_legit likes this.
  8. LEPAGE

    LEPAGE Fapstronaut

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    Welcome Calamansi. Porn does things to your head. It could be that either he is straight and porn has warped his mind or he truly is bisexual. The only way to know for sure is to take time away from porn (nofap). If he can abstain from PMO for some time, you both will likely have a clearer picture of the situation.
     
    anewhope likes this.
  9. LEPAGE

    LEPAGE Fapstronaut

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    Good luck, and God bless.
     
  10. Calamansi

    Calamansi Fapstronaut

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    What is PMO by the way? thanks for the input . He is working hard to overcome. I share with him what I read in this forum. I didn't tell him to join because he might read my posts ‍♀️
     
  11. Calamansi

    Calamansi Fapstronaut

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    He said he loves me so much and he can't stop hugging and kissing me. He doesn't want me to stay away from him. I can tell he is trying to overcome. It's like he is fighting it so hard. he said he really has no attraction to another masculine man only the transwomen and women can attract him. I told him you should only be attracted to me coz I'm your wife. (Sigh)
     
    KevinesKay and anewhope like this.
  12. Calamansi

    Calamansi Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much ! much prayer needed for me and hubby . God bless you too
     
    LEPAGE likes this.
  13. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    I agree with @LEPAGE . It may be that he has underlying issues with gender-identity or this may all be the effects of porn addling his brain. The best way to find out is for him to quit porn and allow his brain to reboot.

    Forget chastity devices and chemical castration - that could all be the effects of porn on his brain. See how he is after he has been porn-free for at least 90 days, preferably longer.

    My advice is:
    • He should quit Porn and Masturbation for good.
    • He needs to want to do this for himself, for you and for the good of your relationship. Porn wrecks marriages and ruins lives. People divorce, lose their children, ruin their lives and commit suicide over this. He MUST take quitting seriously and commit to it.
    • He needs to fill the gap that porn leaves with other activities - time with you, hobbies, sport, exercise, meditation. Preferably something that does not involve using a screen
    • The two of you should try to reconnect and have quiet intimate time together. If you are OK with it, then encourage more hugging, touching, kissing, cuddling.
    • For the present, when you make love, he should put you first and rediscover the joys of making love to a real woman. Help him to make love to you all the ways you like best, help him to become your perfect lover. Let your Os be a joy for you both.
    • He is not going to be masturbating, so his only Os will be when he is with you. To help him reboot, it may be better if he O's no more than once a week. (Anecdotal evidence suggests that if he is O'ing more frequently than that, it interferes with the rewiring that the brain needs to do). If you make love more often than that then there will be times when you make love together but only you O. This may be difficult for him or it may actually help him focus on you and reawaken his normal urges. The first time it happens, ask him how it feels.
    • He must be completely open with you. The time for deceit is over. Encourage him to talk to you but avoid sex being the only topic of conversation. If he spends all his time thinking or talking about sex then he is more likely to relapse. Talk often about all aspects of your lives together.

    If he truly commits to quitting then I believe you may be able to rebuild the relationship. Once Porn is out of the way for long enough, you should be able to see whether there truly are underlying gender-identity issues that you need to work through.

    I wish you the very best of luck,

    ANH
     
    Torn, LEPAGE and Skeptic25 like this.
  14. Calamansi

    Calamansi Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for the advice! Much needed...
     

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