How will I ever date if I'm aroused by rejection and jealousy???

I'm a bit embarrassed to bring this up, but seriously wondering if and how I will ever get around this.
In short, I get really turned on when girls reject me (and kind of turned off when they are really into me) - is this just the classic "only wanting what I can't have"?
I also get turned on when the girl I really want ends up getting together with another guy . . .

It's kind of the story of my life. Getting crushes on girls but not having the gumption to take any action (I was raised to believe that all men are pigs and all they want is sex, leading me to be afraid to even suggest interest in a woman) and eventually watching the girl of my dreams start dating other guys. Sometimes the guys were my friends, or worse, on two occasions it was a roommate. I coped with this by turning to masturbation, and porn.

I have included most of my journal entry from today (below) if you want to read about today's struggle. But the overall question is:

Will I ever get past this? I have been effectively single for about 12 out of the last 13 years. How can I ever get into a relationship with someone that I am really attracted to if rejection and jealousy turns me on so much??

I do think it is vital that I do not turn to P or M when I have these feelings in order to break that association, but I don't know if it will ever go away. I have been struggling with this for years

Any one have any suggestions? I would appreciate any and all advice and support.

 

I was in therapy for 5 or 6 years and this was brought up, but I'm sure that it wouldn't hurt to see another therapist.
I think the root cause is that my mother raised me to be the very opposite of her father. He was quite the womaniser and she and her mother suffered a lot from it. (Note that 25% of my genes come from this man).
There are of course many factors, but the essence of it boils down to: from a very early age my mother told me: "All men are pigs. All they want is sex. But you're not going to be like that, are you?" And she was the type of woman who wasn't going to let the conversation end until I verbally agreed, out loud, "No Mommy, I'm not going to be like that". Couple this with a largely absent workaholic father and no other male influence in my life and Voila, the ultimate nice guy / beta male is born.
I also had a lot of frustrating early sexual and romantic experiences and didn't really have the right tools for dealing with them in a healthy way.

That is really the short version of a long answer. I think I do know where it comes from, but especially as some of it was set in place at such an early age, I don't think that it will simply evaporate.

I am attracted to women for many reasons, but there is always some sexual attraction, or sexual feelings and as much as I try to tell myself that it's okay to be sexually attracted to a woman, when I get shut down or I feel emasculated in anyway . . . well on many levels that hurts. On the surface. But it's like deep down, at the core of my being, it feels right. Masturbation feels like I'm sabotaging my chances of being with her, like putting a nail in the coffin, but something within me tells me to do it anyway - I don't deserve to be with this woman because I have sexual feelings for her (which makes me a pig) and the fact that I'm so aroused I could almost cum in my pants just confirms that my feelings for her are sexual and therefore bad.

 

My last post is awaiting moderator approval. I'm feeling super judged right now.

Feeling vulnerable and trying to face some issues that I have been struggling with for ages.

Now I feel like I should take a break from NoFap