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How to stop the anger?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by 21yearsin, Mar 8, 2018.

  1. 21yearsin

    21yearsin Fapstronaut

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    DDAY was 59 days ago- I just can't get past the anger. I wasn't angry at first because I think I was in shock and denial. the last week or so the anger has come back full force.

    My SO is a PA of 40 years or so we have been married for 20. I didn't know of his porn habit when we got married, we even watched some together while dating. I have caught him before probably 16-17 years ago and he promised to stop but the last 10 years have been a complete lie. Mostly just P sometimes M and O. We are in reboot. He hasn't indulged since DDay.

    The anger creeps up and just consumes me and I can't control it
     
    wifeofanaddict and hope4healing like this.
  2. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    I get random surges of sadness and anger too, I try to distract myself but it overcomes me.
     
    wifeofanaddict, GG2002 and 21yearsin like this.
  3. 21yearsin

    21yearsin Fapstronaut

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    That's what is happening to me too- sorry it happens to you- it sucks
     
  4. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    It really does, unfortunately - there is no way to control it or stop it, at least not for me.
     
    21yearsin likes this.
  5. 21yearsin

    21yearsin Fapstronaut

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    Nor for me- not yet anyways
     
  6. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    The rage I felt with my ex PMO addict was like nothing I had ever felt in my 37 years of life and it scared me to. I cannot imagine as you were together much longer how you must feel. It’s normal and it’s part of the grieving process. That’s whats happening. You are grieving the loss of the relationship and man you thought you had. It’s healthy to let it out, don’t hold it in. If you feel too out of control try counseling. But it does come in waves the anger just like grief does. Everyone feels fine then one Day you are at target and hear a song and you are furious and sobbing.
     
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  7. 21yearsin

    21yearsin Fapstronaut

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    Yes this!! It's so scary!!! we're still together and I intend to work the marriage out if possible, but the anger really scares the hell out of me- it's just so intense, I haven't ever experienced this level. Thank you
     
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  8. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    anger creeps up and just consumes me and I can't control it[/QUOTE]

    Week 1 I was solemn. Week 2 was when my anger struck with vengeance, usually in the middle of the night when I could sleep, I'd get up and walk around, at that's when the rage would come from somewhere deep inside my chest and for example, I got the hammer and pounded our family picture (his head) until the glass broke. Then I'd go back to sleep. Or I'd take a sharpie to another picture on the wall that said "New Beginnings" that I bought when we got married. Or my favorite, I took the lube - his lube and poured it out and put a concoction in the bottle... that probably wouldn't feel very good on skin... and I wrote "fucking liar" on it. I broke a mug that reminded me of him, etc... list goes on. It might not be the best way, but I don't want to look at these things in my house that mean absolute shit now. They are tainted forever. So I destroy them, makes me feel better, I can sleep better after. I haven't destroyed anything of his per say (except his lube) but things that signify our marriage? He broke the covenant so they mean nothing to me.

    Even though I have the rage, I still am hopeful that there might be something beautiful in the future. A relationship with the man separate from the addict. But in the meantime, that's how I deal with my anger. That and exercise- like MMA punching and kicking. That's fun to imagine kicking his face and groin....
     
  9. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    I don't get the quote thing, I'm technologically declined... sorry, meant to quote you 21yearsin.
     
  10. 21yearsin

    21yearsin Fapstronaut

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    I understood thank you for your honesty- I feel like breaking things but I can't. My 26 year old would notice when she comes over and I just can't explain all of this to her right now
     
  11. wifeofanaddict

    wifeofanaddict New Fapstronaut

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    When I found out I threw away every thoughtful gift I had made for him and every love letter we had ever written. I drowned the birthday cake I had spent hours making for him the day before and left it for him to see in the sink. I took down all the pictures of us in our apartment. I gave him back the promise ring he had given me a year prior. None of it meant anything anymore. It's been a month and the anger and sadness come in waves. I've locked him out and don't know how to let him back in. I'm not sure if the destruction is a healthy coping mechanism, but it's all I know to do with the anger.
     
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  12. 21yearsin

    21yearsin Fapstronaut

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    I can understand that, and trust me I feel like being destructive, I just can't. The anger can be all consuming at times and I think "what have I done to deserve this" I'm 48 with my 1st grandchild on the way- this should be a happy time in life not what I am going through. None of us deserves this shit
     
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  13. TH1994

    TH1994 New Fapstronaut

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    The feelings you are all feeling is exactly how I am right now. I found a memory stick of porn at my partners house and confronted him about it. He said he was sorry and promised he would stop after seeing how distraught I was. Although there were videos and photos from before the time I was in a relationship- there were videos in the year I have been with him. I was distraught- I felt disgusted, insecure and not good enough. I then hid this memory stick in a place where I would know if he had moved it. (I know psycho but when you lose all trust for someone you end up playing detective!) anyway the memory stick was moved so I had a look and of course, he’d downloaded more and photos this time! I sent him a photo showing him what I had found and said ‘it’s over’ and that’s where he admitted he’d got a problem. I just had to leave- I was repulsed at his actions and lack of care and respect for me. He then threatened to take pills and end his life etc and me being scared of this told him I stick by him and he needs help. He willingly rang therapists etc and has an appointment for 26th March. But the battle I go through trying to stay strong and positive until then when I’m fuming and distraught and repulsed is killing me. We snap at each other all the time, me because I’m angry and him because he’s ashamed. I feel I can’t leave him alone Incase he gets tempted to do it again. This is not a life! I work as cabin crew on short haul flights so I am gone between 7-20 hours a day! My anxiety when he’s left the room is through the roof! I’ve tried talking to my friends but their boyfriends do it and they say it’s normal and guy need ‘variety’ but I am NOT happy with it and the fact my boyfriend knows this but chose to carry on and lie about it makes this a different story. I’m close with his mum so we both told her about it and although she’s disappointed she said she would help but now he feels he can’t see his parents he’s so ashamed. Surely if he loved me he would have stopped when he saw how broken I was?

    I just don’t know what to do. He’s told me I can’t cry infront of him because it makes him feel bad and will only make him worse. So I’m to cry and rant in my own time (which is never because I need to watch him 24/7)

    I’m driving myself insane. Help!
     
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  14. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    Addictions have no reflection on the way a spouse feels about the other. I thought that for a long time, about my husband not loving me, but an addiction is an addiction. There is something wrong with the brain, and when they are in addict mode their PFC isn't working properly (i.e. decision making is impaired, and impuslivity is high).

    That is just selfish of him to say you can't cry in front of him, and that hurts your healing. You should be able to cry in front of him, so he See's your pain and understands it. It sounds a bit like avoidance of consequences (he PMO, consequence is he breaks your heart). I know that my husband still has a hard time seeing me in pain from things he has done, but at least now he will sit through it most times instead of getting defensive and not really being there.
     
    TH1994 likes this.
  15. wifeofanaddict

    wifeofanaddict New Fapstronaut

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    You need to show him how much it has hurt you. CRY IN FRONT OF HIM. He is being emotionally abusive by attempting to control your actions and feelings AND by threatening his own life to keep you in the relationship. Don't be afraid to open up to him. Hopefully the therapy will be a big help to him. Might I also suggest couples therapy with a psychologist well versed in PA. Best of luck to you both.
     
  16. 20+ years of this is something I can't imagine. 3 years has me beat and ready to leave.
    I do think we have anger for a reason though. And I think whoever I choose to be with should help me relax and face the world together, not be the actual cause of my anxiety and anger.
    My best friend just ended a 30 year neglectful marriage. He ignored and abused her (albeit subtly - no black eyes) and she tried everything for the last 5 years. She walked away by detaching herself with love to live a single life. Now she's met someone else. He adores her, he shows her love that she has NEVER known. She said if she hadn't had found the strength to leave her husband she would've never have known what love is. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not saying your husband doesn't love you, I'm sure he does. It's about how happy you are with the type of love he can offer.
    Sending love n peace X
     
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  17. Just me

    Just me Fapstronaut

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    I just.... Don't know how to get anger out. I'm not an angry or even remotely volitle person. It's been just under a year since our last dday and I haven't even cried yet.... But I still feel so so so broken
     
    Trappist likes this.
  18. Anger, lack of emotion - or too much emotion - perfectly normal.
    I had deduced and wrote down exactly what angered me. When I made a definitive list, it helped. Then I read it to him to elicit empathy and understanding. It's working so far.
    Good luck babe - plz keep posting X
     
    Trappist likes this.

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