How to recover from betrayal?

Discovering your SO has a porn/sex addiction is very traumatic. It is a major betrayal in a relationship and causes a tremendous amount of mental/emotional stress. It absolutely destroys trust in a way that makes it very difficult to restore. You have every right to feel violated, angry, betrayed, or numb. After the discovery is made the mind seeks to find safety and security and that means withdrawing trust. It is a natural process. Restoring that trust means you have to take an emotional risk of being hurt again and that takes a lot of time before that can happen. In the absence of information the mind will obsess over the issue and compel you to seek out answers. The information you discover (good or bad) makes you feel more in control but never satisfies the obsession. The mind can obsessively seek stability, security, and safety and after a betrayal the mind is desperate to feel that way.

One of the major ways an addict can begin to restore trust with their spouse is to show concrete evidence that things are changing for the better. Even though the addict is going through their own withdrawal symptoms there should still be a change in their personality. They should be more humble, more appreciative, less secretive, more honest, and more transparent. They should be taking steps like going to a counselor, getting an Accountability Partner, and starting a journal. They need to start changing their routines and behaviors - not being alone, not taking devices into the bathroom, or not staying up late or getting up early. Their communication should increase - they need to talk about what they're learning, what they've discovered about themselves, asking how they have hurt you, apologizing, and trying to make amends.

If someone is training to run a marathon then you would see actions that show he's training. It's impossible to train in secret. A person who is in recovery needs to change the way they think, feel, and behave. It is something that needs to be worked on every day. Those exercises are not secret. The changes are not invisible.

A long time addict starts to lose their humanity. They are selfish and inwardly focused. They are a slave to their addiction. Part of recovery is about reclaiming their humanity. As a result they would start to show more empathy, compassion, thoughtfulness, and connects easier with others. Those are qualities that should be evident to you and you should be the first one to see those changes.

My wife sees the addict as the 'old me' and she can hate and blame and loath that person. Since I stopped my wife sees me as the 'new me' and that is someone she can trust and love. As long as I act like the new me then my wife feels safe but when I do something selfish that reminds her of the old me then she gets nervous.

There are plenty of books that talk about restoring trust after a betrayal but mostly they talk about infidelity. In a way porn addiction is a form of infidelity. You might benefit from one of those books. 'I love you, but I don't trust you' by Mira Kirshenbaum was one book that I found interesting.

Even though the discovery is recent, the damage has been occurring for many years. Seeing a couples therapist or seeing one on your own might benefit you. Working together with a therapist and going through the recovery steps together can give you something to bond over.

I hope this gives you some things to think about and try.

 

I can completely relate dlala. I just made this post last night in the SO support group(you should consider joining it if you haven't yet): "How do you stop the obsessive thinking about it. I feel like it is on my mind almost every hour that I'm awake. I feel like I am devoting so much time and energy to wondering about what he watched, and how he felt about those women. I asked him tonight about how often he thought about "other things", and what or who exactly, when we were having sex. He doesn't want to talk about it really, he says he doesn't see how it would be helpful. I keep pushing and pushing to hear more, like I just want to know if the pain of hearing it, from him- exactly what it was, is worse than the pain of imagining what it means..... I have never fantasied during actual sex, only in masturbation. He said he hasn't fantasied during sex since he's been clean, so about 45 days. I really don't know if I believe him. He said it was about half the time maybe, says he doesn't really remember. I ask if it has been in the last five years since I had the kids, or if it was happening before that. He says he doesn't remember. "So what? You just close your eyes and block me out, think of someone else and imagine it's their pussy you're fucking? Like who? People you know or celebrities or porn stars or what" He doesn't see how talking about this is helpful. He doesn't want to talk about it before bed. He said though sometimes he would have to think of other, non sexual stuff so he didn't cum too soon with me. I think this is suppose to be a compliment. "So you mean the other times you were fantasizing in order to be ABLE to cum?!" I ask. He says that's not what he meant. I don't think I will be able to get over this."
I keep going back and forth between the obsessive hamster wheel of thoughts and being completely numb. I haven't even be able to cry about it lately, which sucks, because having a good cry is something I feel has always been very healthy and cathartic for me. Sometimes I wish I could just leave and get away to be safe and protect myself from being hurt again...