How to live together? Extreme anger

I need HELP. I feel as though my world crumbling underneath me. I am feeling helpless and crazy. One minute I am supportive and the next I feel so unloved and hated and wonder why I am even trying to single-handedly hold our family together.

We had a MASSIVE blow-up fight and I lost it. I feel crazy. I start to question if it is in fact my fault.

Today, he told me he didn't want me to go on the fathers day river tubing trip we had planned on leaving for in an hour if I didn't stop pouting. I started crying. I was hurt. I asked him why he can't support me the way I am trying to support him through this. One hurtful comment to the next . . l one after the other led to me screaming at him that I just wanted him to love me and fight for us. Everything I could get my hands on in the next 20 seconds was being thrown across the room. I lost it. I am so tired of being hurt. So tired of begging for him to love me. Begging for him to not act as though he hates me.

I should pry back up and give some backstory to the situation. We have been married for 2 years, together for 4. 3 of which I have suspected he has had PA/SA along with drinking issues. We have 4 kids. I have a 16 year old boy and an 11 year old girl and he has two girls 9 and 11.

In the dating stage of our relationship, I found emails on his ipad where he was arranging NSA encounters with him and other couples. I knew after his divorce, he admittedly had a ton of one night stands. Once I found these emails I obviously started questioning EVERYTHING I knew about him.

He is the guy that cant walk up to a grocery store without taking the stray cart up with him. The guy that volunteers at every school event. The guy that holds a legit job and provides for his family. Not religious by any means as he was a Jehovahs Witness Cult Member until he woke up at 25 years old. BUT a good guy. He had won 50/50 custody of his girls. Was a bit obsessive about The JW stuff and proving them to be a cult. In his prior marriage, he admitted to excessive use of porn and going to strip clubs. But claimed he never physically cheated, (although his custody court case papers state otherwise) His wife then claimed he had an issue with being on dating sites, engaging with porn daily, and drinking daily. I assumed it was all due to their young unhealthy and volatile marriage.

He claimed all of the craigslist meetups, sex clubs, and one night stands happened AFTER they were separated AND prior to dating me.

During the time we were dating. Our sex life was amazing. He even told his friends. . . "I knew she was a keeper when we had sex on the dock." But as we all know the newness wears off. Once we were together and living together for 1 year he started "training me" or conditioning me to be a "hotwife" or whatever. At first, I didn't know what was going on. He admitted after drinking one night that he had been testing certain alcohols with me to see what made me more open to things and how many drinks it took. All red flags.

Eventually, he convinced to try the "lifestyle" with him. Everything he had tried prior to me that I knew about, I gave it a shot. For about a year I was embedded into this life and looked in the mirror one day and had no clue who I even was. Once we tried the clubs and bringing another male into the bedroom . . . then there had to be two. . . then he was scheduling a GB. Which I made him cancel and cried for days. He asked me to find a girl once. So I posted an ad. I started chatting with a girl and he wanted to know why it was taking so long to find someone. He insisted I wasn't doing it right. Got mad at me and actually yelled at me while getting into bed one night. Grabbed his phone and said I will show you how to do it. I said so you are going to start chatting to other girls as me? We got into a huge fight and that was it for me.

Once I started backing off I bit, I started recognizing odd behaviors and habits that he had, likely our entire relationship too. Like going the restroom for 20 min a time 3-6 times per day. Taking forever to get ready in the bathroom in the morning WITH the door closed. ALL with his phone. He claimed he had nothing to hide but his search history was ALWAYS empty, he never had pages left open and my gut was telling me he was leading a double life. I started noticing that he would drink more and more to have sex with me. AND then when he would drink too much he was trying things with me and wouldn't remember them the next day. Things that would make me question his orientation. Things that he claimed he never wanted to do when sober. Things that made me feel uncomfortable and that I didn't want to do. Things to objectify me and degrade me. Things that I would then roll over in bed and cry about while he blissfully would fall to sleep.

He has never been able to connect with me emotionally during sex. EVER. I may have mistaken his desire in the beginning to emotional connection. BUT its something I have begged for. The only way he could ever O is to fantasize and carry out what he was imagining. I could always tell.

Then he would start spending extra time in the kitchen. Making excuses to be in there. I would walk in and he would be next to the tequila bottle and the lid would be not on all the way. IN FACT 99% of the time when I checked the lid to the bottle it would never be screwed on.

I confronted him a couple times and would ask him to be honest with me about his PM habits and his Alcohol habits and he denied it being an issue but would tell me just enough to get me to think he would be more aware like.. . . "I'm sure I could drink less. I'll keep an eye on it." OR "M is a chore to me. All I want is you."

Two weeks ago I decided I had to trust my gut. I needed to prove that my instincts were right for my own piece of mind. I set up my ipad on the counter of our kitchen with a spy cam app and once I had pictures of him taking chugs of the tequila before during and after dinner . . . through the rest of the evening . . . before bed . . . etc etc. I decided to put a nanny camera in the bathroom too. I wanted to find out if these bathroom visits were him drinking as well.

When I reviewed the footage I was appalled. Not only was he M to girls pictures on Instagram that he knows but to make it worse her kid was in the picture. Then an hour later he would be back in the bathroom watching hardcore stuff. This happened over and over just the one day I had the camera set up. With our kids home. DURING A WORK DAY (he works from home) AND on a day we were fighting. He claims when "We are at odds or fighting" he "has no sex drive and is sick to his stomach and usually had IBS all day" I cant hold my emotion very well. I was livid. I found out the girls name and automatically assumed that they had a history or were sleeping together. Why else would he be so okay M to a picture on her Instagram feed with her kid in it? I asked him who "Sally”was and we got into a fight. I left the house and came back two hours later to find him gone.

He didn't come home the entire night. (later claimed he was at his friend's house) I met with our counselor the following day 30 minutes prior to our scheduled appt time to let him know what had happened. He was as sick over it as I was and was so sorry that I had to see all of that footage and images but said that telling him what I did and what I saw in both the kitchen and the bathroom would be the only way he would ever fess up to having a problem. So 30 min later when my husband walked in. . . I worked up the nerve to do just that. I started by telling reminding him of my past. My mom is a drug attic, my dad. . . an alcoholic, my ex husband cheating on me and his addiction issues. Reminded him that I asked him to be honest with me weeks ago and not hide stuff. Then I told him about the cameras.

His initial response was "I drink because you are hard to be around."

anything after that . . all I heard was it is my fault. Everything is my fault. I asked him sobbing towards the end of the appointment if he thought he could have a sex addiction and porn addiction too. He said "possibly"

This was all last Wednesday. Since then it has been a roller coaster. I asked him if I could send him links to threads a couple articles I had read on rebooting. he said sure. I sent him 3 on Friday. Today is Sunday. He has read 1. Said he doesnt want it to feel like a chore.

He said he would like to start cooking exotic foods . . start cycling again. .. and doing things for him because he lost that part of him a couple years ago. I said I would support him in that. But in my mind, I am thinking . . . what about me? Can I be a hobby? can our marriage be something you want to work on?

Last night when we talked and he told me he finally read one of the links I sent over he agreed a "Reboot was a good idea" but not PMO just P and that he never needed to watch the stuff again. Claimed he understood how bad it can be. I tried explaining that if he reads more he will find out that his neuropathways actually need to heal. That likely both of ours do. And to be able to reset and connect with one another again on a different level we should both do a HARD REBOOT. He almost seemed irritated but said he would read more. I asked him if he would agree to talk with me 30 min a day. Cuddle . . . do a check in. . . be vulnerable with me and I with him. He agreed to that too.

I have been trying to be more honest about my insecurities in the last week so he knows where my head is. ALSO have been hoping that he will open up to me. I have asked him to cuddle. I have asked him how he is doing. I have asked if there is anything I can do. In moments like this morning when I am getting into my swimsuit and feeling like I am a fat flabby mess and he is not attracted to me (although I am 34 years old 138lbs 5'2" ) My head starts spinning. "He doesn't want me . . . He wants his porn girls. I am not good enough. He doesn't find me attractive. But Holly is to him." Of course, I am a mess.

He never asks whats wrong. I ask him whats wrong instead. He says I am being mean to everyone. I said no . . I am just in deep thought and trying to get my mind from spinning. I am feeling self-conscious. Having Anxiety. And having body issues. And that given the recent events . . . that is expected. He then tells me that he doesn't want me going unless I stop pouting.

I have no words.

I said all I want him to do is love me and not hate me. All I want is for him to care. . . I am crying. he is heartless. I start throwing stuff. . go down to our bedroom having a massive anxiety attack and he leaves with his girls. Came back 2 hours later. Haven’t seen him once. Still in bed. 7 hours later. Think he has checked on me? Nope. Not once.


I love my husband. I want to be with him the rest of our lives. I JUST WANT HIM TO LOVE ME AND WANT TO BE WITH ME. THAT IS ALL.

My poor kids. They have been through so much. How on earth do we start over again. This is HIS HOUSE. IN HIS NAME. my name was NEVER put on it although we moved into it together.

And pack up our lives and move again? To where? Then will he get help?



I just want him to love me. I am so broken.

 

Thank you so much for your words. Your story gives me hope. My husband is an athiest unfortunately so although I wish I could reach him on a spiritual level it’s not possible I still hold on to hope

 

I want to thank you all for your wisdom advice and support. I fount a al-anon meeting and a s-anon meeting and I’m trying to sermons which one to go to tomorrow night.

In the meantime we still aren’t speaking. He left earlier. I text him some marriage quotes told him how much I loved him and how I want to work through this.

Non response for an hour then I get this.

I don’t know how not to internalize this and immediately go into panic mode again.

I poured my heart out to him told him I loved him. He can’t even tell me back.

My heart hurts so bad.

I really hope this meeting helps tomorrow.

I’m trying to find the strength.

 

I absolutely will. Thank you.

 

Finally getting back on to check in. I want to thank you all again for all the support. So much has happened since I posted this it feels like it was weeks ago. Its crazy. After obsessing I cracked I started begging and pleading for him to stay with me and not shut down. I cried and prayed over him for two hours the other night while rubbing his head. I have begged him to look back on good memories. I have asked him what his favorites are. He has completely shut down and is cold as ice.

Also, since I posted I found out that he paid for a male prostitute when we first started talking to "top him" I found a very old text thread. I held it in until counseling on Thursday and did my best to hold it together. He admitted in counseling that he had an experience with a transsexual, I am assuming to top him as well. But he said he was only quitting porn forever, not drinking for 30 days but he didnt see a reason to get outside help.

When asked if he is bisexual or gay he says no. So if he doesn't have a sex addiction and isn't bi or gay then . . . wow. I was totally confused.


I did attend an s-anon meeting on Tuesday night after many on the forum suggested it and it helped a ton. It took the focus off of him and placed it on me and my decisions as well. helped me realize that I need to detach and see him as someone who is sick. He is still in denial. still lashing out and being cruel.

He has been making me out to be the bad guy to his family and saying that I am playing the victim. Which I party was, I realize now. But its still awful. The one thing that this group helped me realize AND my 1 meeting at s-anon is that I cant control him. I cant make him get help. I cant make him or manipulate or beg him to be honest. that has to be on HIM. I am still holding down the bedroom and he comes and goes in and out but makes sure to be home by midnight every night so that when we file for divorce he hasn't "abandoned the house" Due to the fact that he could not admit to anything without proof in front of him and was blaming me still FOR EVERYTHING.

I decided after reading him the proof of the male escort in counseling and him trying to justify that as just "experiencing" and nothing more but then remembering all the craigslist ads I have found that matched his location in the last 3 years, that I HAVE NO REASON to believe for one minute that its just an experience. THAT among the stuff he asks me to do to him n the bedroom NO. He cant get off without fantasizing about other penises in the room. I decided that if he could admit anything on his own without proof in front of his eyes, that I couldn't do this anymore.

He still claims there is no addiction. still claims not to be bisexual or gay. but likes to take it in the butt. To go as far as hiring someone? He has also begged me to do stuff to him when he gets to drinking. It's just not for me. I have always been uncomfortable. To each their own. Really but if you are into being screwed in the butt by a guy. . . . and you cant live without it. THIS NEEDS to be disclosed early in the relationship. i dont have a penis and NEVER WILL>

My kids and I decided it would be best to move on. If he had been willing to admit anything at all to me without proof in front of his eyes, or at least admit to having a sex addiction I may have seen him through this.

But I have to take care of me and my kids. We made an offer on a house yesterday and hope to be out in 30-40 days. He will likely come to terms with his decisions to continue to lie and deny and blame in the meantime but I have to be strong in knowing that I begged him for 4 years to be honest with me about his sexual orientation. I cant control him.

I can, however, draw boundaries for myself and my life. I support the gay community. I think that sexual identity is up to each person and I love everyone. But I don't have a penis. I don't want one. And I rather not be married to someone that wants to take a penis instead of cherishing me for me. I drew a line in the sand tonight after he said he still wanted to work on things but that I was still to blame for a lot of it. Dude is leaving for new york on Sunday for a week. 2 days work 4 days for fun. a trip that I was supposed to be on with him. if he wanted to work on our relationship his would cut the trip short and come home. choices. but I can't control his choices. I can only control how I react. I react with a guard and saying enough is enough. I need to be a priority and I am worthy enough to be cherished and loved without being made to feel uncomfortable. To each their own. If he wants penis great, I support him in that and hope one day we can be friends. But it will take me many may years to heal from this. I did give him my two cents on his future. I told him that this will continue to be an issue in his relationships if he doesn't disclose this in the beginning. That he will lose his girls due to their religion if this comes out the wrong way. He went out and got a new phone today with a new number on his own plan. proof again that he cant have boundaries set for him and need to have his phone and data. one minute I'm crying the next minute I'm so angry I could throw all of his shit out of the house. He made this decision though. addiction or not. he is choosing to continue to lie.

After he went to go get a new phone I was livid. I held it together though. his messages are in quotes.my response is below.

"I do think you are to blame for many things. But I know I am too in other areas
I plan on letting some time pass. Work on me. Fix me.
Then we should talk. Calmly and rationally.
Even at this moment of being broken and sad I still want to work on fixing us
Maybe u don’t anymore”

(He sent this after 3 days of not speaking to me. An 11 page letter attacking me. And after he turned his family against me saying I was crazy and never told them why I was so out of control.)

Here is my reply. I am awfully proud.


1.
“I plan on letting some time pass. Work on me. Fix me. “

I am glad to hear this. Unless you can admit what needs fixed, this cannot happen though. Even with time. And what is time? How much time? Joel asked you because leaving me hanging and leaving the kids hanging is not okay. Does this mean we separate? Does this mean we aren’t living together? Does this mean you are getting professional help? because you had still have never said you need help from others or help from a professional. Doug is not your help.

2.
“Then we should talk calmly and rationally.”

I have been vulnerable with you over and over again assuring you that you can tell me that you are bi. 4 years of lying to me. You still claim not to be and you still say you don’t have an addiction to sex. Yet you claim not to be bi. Or gay. So nothing makes sense. Porn doesn’t make you want to do these things unless you are addicted to sex and are bisexual. You say you just need to stop watching porn. I have tried talking. Begged you to open up. Begged you to be vulnerable for 4 years. Now that it’s out . . Now that you’ve been busted . . . Now you want to talk. After blaming me for being controlling and crazy paranoid for 4 years. Hurting me so bad for years just to save face and save yourself from embarrassment.


3.
“Even at this moment of being broken and sad I still want to work on fixing us.”

See above. 4 years. I’ve given you every opportunity. You’ve told me I’m crazy for feeling like I’m not enough. You are getting a new phone so you can’t be tracked because you won’t be controlled. You are getting stoned. You still have not come out and told me anything I haven’t presented you proof of. When I cry over you and beg you to open up your walls are up and you are as cold as Stone. So cold.

If you truly wanted to fix us. . Instead of researching recipes, reading political and religious bullshit, pouting on the couch . . you would be making and effort to do so.

Sitting at so and sos, talking to whoever you are talking to without telling them the entire truth . . . IS NOT SHOWING ANYONE that you want to fix ANYTHING.

Then you are leaving for a week. Work AND pleasure. You could fly back after the meetings, but nope. You are going to New York for fun. A trip I was supposed to be on. To fix you? To fix us? While we do what here? ME AND THE KIDS. Remain dangling here waiting? Waiting for answers? Waiting for a glimmer of hope that you will open up? Waiting to know out fate.

No.

If you wanted to “fix you or fix us”you would go for what you needed to go for work wise and come home. To work through this.

Be mad at me if you want. Blame me all you want.

I don’t care.

I’m done being hurt. I’m done begging. I’m done being told you don’t like me and that I’m abusive. I’m done waiting for you to open up. Im done feeling so alone. Im done watching our kids in pain because we can’t be adults and pull our heads from our asses.

Above all else. . . I’m done not being enough. Because I should’ve enough. Today and every day.

Say what you want. Think what you want. I love you. I tried everything I could for 4 years including many things I’m not proud of. I cross boundaries I never should have. And I lost myself. I lost who I truly am. And I started being who you wanted me to be. That’s on me, I need help. I’m getting help. And I will continue to get help.

Had you admitted anything without the proof in front of you the multiple opportunities you have had, I would have stayed by your side every step of the way. Supported you. I’ve given you sooooooo much opportunity.


My heart is broken. There is no way I can ever trust you. There is no way I will ever feel like I’m enough given all of the above AND below.

I make you miserable and you don’t like me. And you have admittedly felt that for a long time.

I could never say that about you. EVER.


This desire to have a trans penis, a mans penis, my fist, whatever. . . Is what YOU desire. That’s okay for you. I support your sexuality whatever it is.

It’s just not for me. Period.

And it will never be for me. I’m sorry.

I can’t compete with that and I won’t continue to be uncomfortable and my boundaries.

This will never go away for you. And that’s okay. Be you. Own it. I just hope you can be honest with yourself and whoever is next in your life. Because THIS will break up any future relationship, AND you will never be able to be completely vulnerable and open with anyone unless you disclose it up front. Vulnerability and being open is required for any relationship to survive.

you will lose your baby girls over this if this ever comes out in the wrong manner. I truly need you to think about that. If Erica found out. If the girls stumbled upon something. But you also can’t hide it. Because you will be miserable. And destroy someone’s confidence and trust like mine has been.

Again I love you. I want you to always remember that. I hope once the hurt goes away and I heal from this that we can even be friends.

Selfishly, I hope I can heal from this and someday trust again. As of right now the idea of dating ever again physically makes me ill. I want to puke. I’m 2 for 2 on husbands who like penis now.

If you weren’t being so selfish you would have thought how this could affect me for the rest of my life.

If you cared at all for me you would be holding me right now while I sob uncontrollably. Like when you did when I found out about the couples you had been with. Comforting me. Holding me tight. Making me feel like I am loved even a little bit. And not completely alone. Helping me feel like there is hope, and I am worth it for the right person. That I am enough for the right person.

Also, I don’t need a response at all. In fact please don’t respond. I will be blocking this number too. Unless it’s something about this kids or working out details of what happens next like adults, calmly and with no blame, I don’t want to speak to you. You can email me only until we can make sure both of our emotions are under control.

You can file for divorce or I can. Up to you. You can let me know via email.

I will be living in my house for the next 30+ days until I close on my house and can get moved in. Because this is my house too. I uprooted my life to move into this house WITH YOU. Whether you guys are here or not is completely up to you. I will NOT make this any more difficult on our children than it has to be. I WILL BE SENDING time with the girls. I want to make the best of the last days we have together as a family. And I will remain in contact with them with or without your permission because regardless of how much you think I hate our kids I don’t. I married them too. I am only divorcing you.

I don’t want a nasty fight. There is no more finger pointing. No reason for it. What’s done is done.

You made your decisions I made mine.

Time to put our big boy and girl panties on and make this as easy as possible for our kids.

If. . . If you try to play dirty like I saw in your texts to Kris. . . I will play dirty right back. That is not a threat, that is truth. Be fair. Be fair to me and fair to our kids. And I will be fair to you.


And if you try to come after my new house as a marital asset. . . So help me god. I don’t think you would stoop that low. But thought I’d make sure to mention it.

Also since screen shots of my texts are flying around between you and dawn. If you send her screenshots, send ALL OF IT. Including the long one. OR I WILL. I’m done being made out to be the bad guy.

 

I can’t thank you enough for your reply. Your words have rang in my ears for days and I am finding my strength. Thank you

 

@GhostWriter i took screen shots of your words and carried them with me all week. In moments of insanity and anger I would open my phone and read. I found a post of my husbands tonight on nofap and since I am new to forums I started frantically trying to figure out what he could see and if I should delete it. Honestly since I do most of my posting from my phone. Don’t know what threads are private and what are public at the point.

Either way. He is here now. That is good.

I went through and read everything I wrote, and wow I sounded crazy lol
It’s amazing what just a couple weeks has done for my heart and soul, and level of control.

Taking back my control. Learning to detach from the addiction. Sooooo much more work left. So much healing. So much support. So much wisdom from you all!

Thanks again!