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How to forget about trying to make this girl my girlfriend

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Kman20, May 1, 2018.

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  1. Kman20

    Kman20 Fapstronaut

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    So here’s the thing, I have a friend who I’m hoping I’ll eventually be more than friends with. What I want is for me to learn to stop hoping for something because I think I’m infatuated and it’s getting in the way of our friendship being the best that it can be. I know this because there were instances where it clicked in my head that we wouldn’t ever be a thing for some reason and all of a sudden I feel all this energy come out and things are a lot funner between us and everything. You can really tell from my attitude then that I’m not hoping for anything. But eventually this feeling fades and I go back to feelings of hope that we’ll be something more, looking for signs and all that and my energy is stifled again. What should I do to stop seeking more than a friendship with her to get the “im not hoping for anything more” feeling so I can be my real self. It’s getting in the way of us having the bestest friendship we could have and my life. If anyone has experience with making this shift please help, I feel like our relationship will be much better if I can learn to not get anything out of it but a friendship.
     
  2. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    Do you want to date her or not?

    What you're basically asking is how can you get rid of what you really want so that life is easier and more certain.

    Why do you assume that you two will become best friends? Why do you assume that dating her won't lead to a better relationship with her? Why do you assume that it will be a rejection? That's all that they are.... assumptions. You don't know what's going to happen, but you're afraid of finding out.

    The only reason it's more fun to let go of your desire to date her is because you temporarily let go of the outcome. It's easier and more certain keeping things as they are. You stop facing an uncertain and scary problem.

    You could do the same thing with porn. Why risk getting rejected by her when it feels so good to indulge in porn instead? Why go for something that you want when you can just hide your intentions and not value what you want?

    The lack of energy you feel when you want her to be your girlfriend comes from being overly cautious and excessively careful. Which leads to procrastination, fear, and worry. That's what drains you. You don't want to face possible pain, problems, and negative experiences so you rather try to get rid of what you want than to actually follow your desires.

    So tell me... why do you have to be her friend rather than going for what you want? Because it's the right thing to do? Because you're being considerate of her? Because you can't handle a possible rejection?

    It's absolutely fine if you two were just friends, but you posted this because you want something more.

    Your real self is the one that wants her to be your girlfriend. Your energy is being stifled because you resist and protect yourself from it rather than allow yourself to be vulnerable to the uncertain possibility that it might work or might not work out.

    "Oh.... I don't want to ruin our friendship" is a lot more fun because it's escapism. Neglecting difficult and uncertain situations is always more fun.

    -------------------

    I could go to the gym, but it really stifles my energy. I'm a lot more like my real self when I watch tv and eat junk food.

    lol....
     
    Wordinhaler and Kman20 like this.
  3. Kman20

    Kman20 Fapstronaut

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    Because I feel like it’s not a genuine attraction I’m feeling, that it’s just infatuation. Prior to meeting her I was feeling the same about another girl, so it’s not exactly her I want but just a girlfriend and general and that is pretty fucked up. I want to get rid of that and start off as friends like any normal people would then if something grows from it then I know it was a genuine attraction because I wasn’t being a desperate guy just searching for any relationship. I’d feel like we’d be best friends because sometimes my infatuation will die down and I’m able to see her as someone that I just “want” instead of “need” for a second and then we ironically get a long MUCH better when I’m like that. When I’m not hoping for anything from our relationship other than what it is right now. Where I’m not hoping for some outcome to eventually happen. The HOPE is what I’m trying to get rid of so I can be like that all the time and then and only then is when I feel like I’d be able to have a GENUINE attraction to her. I hope that made sense, I kind of just went on there lol.
     
  4. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    So when would you be genuinely attracted to her enough to pursue something more than just friends?

    Because from what you're saying... you're already attracted to her when your infatuation dies down.

    What's wrong with infatuation especially if you don't know much about her yet?

    The whole point of dating is exploration.

    So your plan is to become best platonic friends and hope that one day she'll want something more than that?
     
  5. TheBigBadWolf

    TheBigBadWolf Fapstronaut

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    This is why it's tough for men and women to be friends. You like this girl, regardless if you are friends or not, the attraction is there on your end. Why not see if she likes you as more than just a friend? Because your friendship might be compromised? Think about it for a second. . . your friendship is already compromised because you want her in a romantic way. I say you listen to your heart and go for it, but you can do whatever you want to do. Good luck!

    -BigBadWolf
     
  6. Orion_35

    Orion_35 Fapstronaut

    I think you want her and the only way to stop wanting her is if you had someone else that fulfills this need for you. Even then though it may be that you are too emotionally connected to her to not want a romantic relationship with her.

    Sounds like you are lying to her and to yourself by pretending that you want to stay platonic.
     
  7. SheMonk

    SheMonk Fapstronaut

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    Why can't you be both? Romance without friendship sucks anyway.
     

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