How to fill this hole in my heart?

I feel your pain, I'm am in a similar boat and it's been 12 years. I wish I could say it got easier, but it hasn't. There are moments of up and then shortly after it's down down, down.

I get bouts of the same kind of feelings, day in and day out. I "forgave" in 2008, was under the impression that everything was going good; only to have another D-Day a decade later - it was like reliving all of the pain and hurt, ten fold. I kept thinking of leaving, but like you said... I'm still here. However this time I am on my last run, I can not keep this cycle going. It's causing my health to deteriorate.

I bottle it up, for the most part. I don't want my kids, family or friends to think anything is wrong. I know that is not the best or healthiest way to do it, but that's just me. I get into moods where I just want to break all of the shit around me but I just stop. The only way I calm myself down is turning on some music and crying in the dark.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Just know that you are not alone.

 

I took out my anger on a treadmill 1 hour a day for months. The more negative thoughts and feelings I would have the harder I pushed myself, every other day I would do W lifting. After, I would think on the positive things and I would be so tired so I could fall asleep without my mind going bunker plus it helped me feel better about myself.

 

Damn, good idea - maybe I should turn on some music and just dance. I loved going out and dancing, but then I had kids and well... whomp whomp.

 

Yup, I have always found being physical when angry is a huge help and a healthy way to handle it. If I’m stuck at home I’ll aggressively do some serious deep cleaning too.
Side note, I miss going out dancing too!

Also for me taking it out on the treadmill, I was able to feel, process it rather than trying to suppress or ignore it in beneficial healthy way.

 

I agree, it is a good way to let it all go!

 

This, yes! I want to start doing this (in a healthy way for me- not overexercising like I used to) but yes. exercising adn getting physical in a healthy way is great for dealing with anger. And I miss going out dancing too!

 

I don't necessarily want to get back at him. I just want to stop hurting. It sucks when not hurting depends on someone else. I feel like I dont know what else he could do.....but whenever he asks what I want for anniversary or,christmas or my birthday I said no porn. So at least he gets what a lasting impact this has had on me.